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ugh - tired and angry over nothing

Old 08-18-2006, 11:15 PM
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ugh - tired and angry over nothing

for the past 4 nights my H's snoring has been so loud that it has woken me in the middle of the night and I've moved to the sofabed in the lounge to try and get some sleep, twice he's woken our son in the next room too, who has then come downstairs to sleep too. Its been a tough week at work and I'm really tired.

This morning I find that my H has drunk some of the wine I bought yesterday evening, and I'm livid. Its ridiculous to be this angry over this. I had basically stopped having any alcohol I bought in the house because I was sick of it costing me the whole bottle for me to have 1 glass. He always drinks any alcohol that is in the house, I don't know why I am surprised or angry or letting this get to me, its such a minor thing in the scheme of anything, but here I am full of indignant rage.....

anyway, its calmed me down just writing this out and seeing how daft it is to ruin my day by being angry over this tiny little thing. So thanks for lending a cyber ear.
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Old 08-18-2006, 11:21 PM
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((((hon))))

Boy, I can remember the rage I felt at the exact same thing. Purple-faced, I was.

Then I realised that I wasn't just angry about that - I was angry about the entire situation, the wine was but a symptom. Angry was good - it told me what I found unacceptable.

Hope you can stop it ruining your day. Please don't stuff it away so you can't take notice of it, though.
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Old 08-19-2006, 06:27 AM
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Thanks minnie,

you're right, its not about the wine, and it was more than half anger at myself.

I am trying to notice my feelings now, and seperate them from my reactions. I'm hoping that writing here will stop me forgetting.
When I first went to alanon all *I heard* (as opposed to all that was actually being said) was to stop reacting with anger to my H, that I was sicker than he was etc so I spent all my energy trying not to feel angry (I didn't understand the feelings/actions split, I was brought up being very firmly told that certain feelings were wrong). Felt like I was a Stepford wife/robot, and drove me further down, to be honest, so I stopped going to Alanon for a bit.

I don't think the "fake it til you make it" does me any favours, anger had felt like the only honest emotion that I was expressing within my marriage at that time. I realise now that my I was mis-applying the ES&H of my alanon group when I tried this, so I'm trying to do it differently now.

when it comes to emotional learning I seem to be a very slow learner, and I don't ever seem to choose the direct path to anywhere....

anyway, I've had a lovely day so far - I've spent all morning playing with my son - with an hour at a children's cafe, where I could read the paper and get a bit of me time, met one of the parents from his nursery there who has invited my son over for a play-date, and this evening I'm going to a friend who I havn't seen for 6 months for a barbeque. So I'm glad I got the anger out here rather than stewing on it or shouting at H or ignoring it.
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Old 08-19-2006, 06:37 AM
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(((Ceridwen )))

Oh, I remember the snoring!!!! Once my daughter had a friend spend the night and she mentioned "all the trucks driving by"...took me a minute to realize that what she was talking about hearing was AH's snoring from another room (behind a closed door!!!). Truthfully, we could hear him from downstairs when he first went to bed at night. (it did get a little "better" as the night passed and his BAL. dropped)

What was of some help to me was to get some foam earplugs (the kind for hunters,etc). Don't block it out completely (or help the smell) but helpful. AH doesn't live with us but I still use them (slumber parties, kids up watching a movie or TV,naps,even on planes)...I encourage you to give them a try!
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Old 08-19-2006, 06:43 AM
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or stick breathe-rite strips on his nose!
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Old 08-19-2006, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by *Ceridwen
This morning I find that my H has drunk some of the wine I bought yesterday evening, and I'm livid. Its ridiculous to be this angry over this. I had basically stopped having any alcohol I bought in the house because I was sick of it costing me the whole bottle for me to have 1 glass.
((((Ceridwen))))

I can relate to this. I rarely drink so a bottle of wine could last me a pretty long time. But if my bf ran out of beer I knew I might as well forget about that bottle of wine.

As for the snoring, if my bf drinks anything besides beer his snoring is atrocious. The only way I can sleep through it is if I fall asleep before him. I'm lucky that once I am asleep nothing short of the house blowing up could wake me up, lol.

Hugs,

L
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:20 AM
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I hear you. There was a long period of time where I wouldn't even buy a bottle of wine because I would have a glass and he would drink the rest of the bottle. I would have a bottle last for days. Once I came down the stairs and he was chugging wine out of the bottle I had left on the counter. Boy did that P*** me off!
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:27 AM
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Thanks all
I bought earplugs for our honeymoon, given that we had to be in the same room, and they did help, I'll get some more. He always snores, all the men in his family do, (they share a very distinctive nose).
Mix in alcohol and it could wake the dead. and its not a constant drone which I could maybe get used to (I am a pretty deep sleeper usually), he has periods where his chest is rapidly heaving up and down as his lungs desperately try to draw in air but you can put your hand at his face and no breath is being drawn in like his airway has collapsed. This terrified me when we first got together, I thought he was going to suffocate. But then his body somehow rouses him slightly he jerks around in a fit and takes an enormous desperate breath. then it starts again.
I can't help feeling this is dangerous, but he knows he does it, and it is entirely in his power to do something about. He went to the doctor once and the doctor (apparently) told him he had a slight cold and that was why he snored. In 7 years he's not suffocated yet, so it doesn't worry me any more, but wow does it get in the way of my sleep. when we vist anyone for the second time they ALWAYS put us in the bedroom furthest from them LOL.

crazy life.
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:32 AM
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oh yeah, and in the past I've been the one hiding bottles around the house - a ginger wine that goes in the sauce for my step-mothers favorite meal when she came to visit, because he polished off the first bottle that I opened when cooking it as a trial run.
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:36 AM
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Ditto...LOL now that you say that, I have not really hidden, bit tried to put an open bottle of wine kind of out of sight so he wouldn't see it. How sad is that?

I have also had times that he would open a bottle of wine "for me" when I really didn't want any, or bring me a beer I didn't ask for. I think he feels validated in his drinking if I also have a drink.
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:42 AM
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ooooooo.....that sounds like sleep apnea which can be dangerous!
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:57 AM
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Ditto...LOL now that you say that, I have not really hidden, bit tried to put an open bottle of wine kind of out of sight so he wouldn't see it. How sad is that?

yep - i've done that too,
nope nothing wrong with the way I behave LOL
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Old 08-19-2006, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by *Ceridwen
Thanks all
I bought earplugs for our honeymoon, given that we had to be in the same room, and they did help, I'll get some more. He always snores, all the men in his family do, (they share a very distinctive nose).
Mix in alcohol and it could wake the dead. and its not a constant drone which I could maybe get used to (I am a pretty deep sleeper usually), he has periods where his chest is rapidly heaving up and down as his lungs desperately try to draw in air but you can put your hand at his face and no breath is being drawn in like his airway has collapsed. This terrified me when we first got together, I thought he was going to suffocate. But then his body somehow rouses him slightly he jerks around in a fit and takes an enormous desperate breath. then it starts again.
I can't help feeling this is dangerous, but he knows he does it, and it is entirely in his power to do something about. He went to the doctor once and the doctor (apparently) told him he had a slight cold and that was why he snored. In 7 years he's not suffocated yet, so it doesn't worry me any more, but wow does it get in the way of my sleep. when we vist anyone for the second time they ALWAYS put us in the bedroom furthest from them LOL.

crazy life.

Oh,dear.mine did that,too. Yes,he has sleep apnea,too and the doctor told him the alcohol was the main cause (continually got worse over sleeping beside him for 25-30yrs) ,but of course.... It was scarey how bad it was getting..stopped breathing,shaking,etc...that part kept me awake more than the noise...I would shake him to start him breathing again. (Like a baby that cries and cries,or coughs and that is bad and keeps you awake but then they stop and you have to go check to see if they are really alright and asleep or they are choking or not breathing...ugh) I finally had to sleep somewhere else,too...that makes everything else harder to put up with when I was so tired from not sleeping,too.

He moved out and I don't like to think about that,especially now that he has a back problem and takes pain pills,too....
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Old 08-19-2006, 08:22 AM
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Mine even drank triple sec, used in margaretta's...lol
I don't even know if there is any alcohol in it. He found it
amongst the other liquor, when he went through the
vodka, rum and wine he drank the triple sec. Unbelievable.
A friend came over one day and I was going to make us a
drink can you imagine my surprise when I found everything gone.
That was in the early days with him, later after learning all I could
about alcoholism I understood.
About the snoring...lol breathe right strips, I think I have stock in them!
Not sure how much they worked because the talking and moaning in
his sleep overpowered the snoring. Awful, so thankful I don't have
to deal with any of it anymore.
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Old 08-19-2006, 08:39 AM
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He moved out and I don't like to think about that,especially now that he has a back problem and takes pain pills,too....
Yes - sleep apnea occurred to me to - a friend's father has it and has to sleep with a machine. I drove myself near crazy trying to get him to wake up, trying to persuade him to go to the doctors, printing out stuff on sleep apnea, describing how he looks to him, how scared I was, I've bought over the counter snore sprays and tablets I figure now that he's had all the information, I can't DO anything about it and its in his power to sort it out. He leads a fairly charmed life, managing to get home in states I wouldn't beleive it possible to walk in. so although I don't really have a beleif in an HP, I'm sort of convinced he's got one.
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Old 08-19-2006, 08:49 AM
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My doctor (and his) said the in his case the alcohol relaxed some of the muscles (in the soft palatte? or somewhere) and that is why is got a bit better as the night wore on and he sweated,etc it out of his system...oh yes; the dreams,talking,etc...

My dad has sleep apnea and uses one of those machines.he even had AH and I go with him to hear the sleep M>D> talk about it...it helped him alot and he feels so much better now that he (my dad) can get some rest at night.

AH is still drinking....
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Old 08-19-2006, 03:41 PM
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That's definitely sleep apnea. Thankfully I never witnessed this happen with AH but then again how could I? I got sick and tired of the snoring and the stench of stale beer that followed him where-ever he went so I stopped sleeping with him period. Even if I did go to bed before him which was all the time (he liked to stay up till the birds started singing enjoying his intoxicated state) I'd wake up and end up on the couch. He didn't care either way, as ling as he was still getting "some" it didn't matter where he slept. When he got out of rehab we started sleeping together again, he still snored but not nearly as bad and ear plugs helped. It took some time getting used to sharing my queen bed with him again but I got used to it. Then he starts cutting back on meetings, getting depressed and having pity parties for himself and currently things are worse around here than they were when he was drinking. So, one again we are in separate rooms only this time he don't get "some" unless I feel emotionally able to handle that which has been 2 times in 6-7wks. Sorry TMI. I like liveweyered's solution LOL!!
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Old 08-19-2006, 09:19 PM
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Sleep apnea's nasty stuff. The sleeplessness it causes in him can contribute to depression etc. He's not resting well either, with all that racket going on and the lack of oxygen.

My AH snored and stank and thrashed when he'd been drinking. I kicked him out of the bedroom. Why would I go sleep on the sofa when he was the one causing the problem?? He went pretty meekly too, I guess he was desperate to do anything that kept me in the house while allowing him to continue drinking. And it made it easier for him to hide his stash and drink from it, being in a separate bedroom.

That was my first boundary with him. Wait no the second; the first was refusing to let him drive antime we went somewhere together. First of all his car was a rolling dumpster. Second, he never ever paid close enough attention to what he was doing when driving, no matter how sober. Who else thinks it's ok to change your socks while driving???? And why was it that he never ever saw the Construction Ahead - Lane Ends signs???
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