Thanks minnie,
you're right, its not about the wine, and it was more than half anger at myself.
I am trying to notice my feelings now, and seperate them from my reactions. I'm hoping that writing here will stop me forgetting.
When I first went to alanon all *I heard* (as opposed to all that was actually being said) was to stop reacting with anger to my H, that I was sicker than he was etc so I spent all my energy trying not to feel angry (I didn't understand the feelings/actions split, I was brought up being very firmly told that certain feelings were wrong). Felt like I was a Stepford wife/robot, and drove me further down, to be honest, so I stopped going to Alanon for a bit.
I don't think the "fake it til you make it" does me any favours, anger had felt like the only honest emotion that I was expressing within my marriage at that time. I realise now that my I was mis-applying the ES&H of my alanon group when I tried this, so I'm trying to do it differently now.
when it comes to emotional learning I seem to be a very slow learner, and I don't ever seem to choose the direct path to anywhere....
anyway, I've had a lovely day so far - I've spent all morning playing with my son - with an hour at a children's cafe, where I could read the paper and get a bit of me time, met one of the parents from his nursery there who has invited my son over for a play-date, and this evening I'm going to a friend who I havn't seen for 6 months for a barbeque. So I'm glad I got the anger out here rather than stewing on it or shouting at H or ignoring it.