ASpouse

Misplacedaustin ....... you are living in dreamland, a fantasy that you have established in your mind as the "way it will be".

There is no perfect family dear and I've never seen one or know of one.

I wish you the best because I believe with all of my heart that the bottom is going to fall out from under you, maybe in 5 years or 5 months, but it will and no matter what you do or don't do, it's going to give. Hang on for that ride, it's like being sucked into a black hole looking for a lifeline. I hope you find one. Good luck and take care of YOU!

DesertEyes

Minnie, are these the ones you meant?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

Mike

pmaslan

Good luck I hope you do attend those meetings.

MisplacedAustin

ASpouse - LOL is all I can say. The reason I have found the "perfect life" not for me is b/c it is primarily a facade. I do not have a fantasy in my mind, I am very aware of reality. I know life will never be perfect, but even without being perfect I am satisified.

I have had the bottom fall out before, and picked myself up. I expect it to fall out again, that's life. I am also one to be prepared for that fall out (**hint** thats why Im here!) I am very lucky to have a wonderful family and friends that I know will always be there as well as my own strength. I have been on my own since I was 15, am a HS dropout and have a more "successful" life than most people my age do, I am not stupid or naieve. I am trying to learn how to not fall into the trap of enabling, that so many people (as seen by this board) do.

I don't think you are being blunt, or harshly honest, but bitter. I am sorry life has been so hard for you.

I will do everything I can to take care of myself, the same way I have up until now. And when it doesn't work out the way I expect, I will make lemonade out of the situation.

Until then, I will equip and prepare myself for things that can be expected so that when they occur I have the resources and knowledge to make that delicious lemonade when/if I get that bucket of lemons.

I may have a controlling personality, but I get things done, I get them done well and I am generally happy. I need to work on letting that portion of my personality intefere with my husbands and I relationship. I am always striving to improve myself and this is the latest front, how to let go.

I don't understand how you post with such authority, and at the same time have offered no advice, only warnings of gloom and doom. I have taken your one piece of advice and looked up al-anon meetings, other than that, all you have had is negative gunk mixed with assumptions to spew without any insight or suggestions to provide.

I have no problem with hard work and believe that my happy relationship with my husband is very worth it. I will be going to al-anon meetings and hope to get some good advice on how to make the best of this situation.

minnie

MA, I just thought of a post I did the other day in response to a question from Ayers. It might help to know how I dealt with being in a similar situation to yours.

If you want to explore any specific issues, it might be easiest to start a new thread about them. I'm sure you'll get some great input on things like boundaries, enabling, control, expectations and all that good stuff.

Cynay

I cant remember who wrote it but there is a book called the language of letting go.... someone will be by soon to tell who wrote it.

pmaslan

With that in mind I guess I am confused as to what you would like to see
happen here

DesertEyes

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie ISBN: 0894866370

prodigal

Gotta agree with you on that observation, pmaslan. I think this is getting bogged down in semantics and what seems to me to be somewhat contradictory messages. Well, just my two cents ... Live and let live, I say.

MisplacedAustin

I want to

a) learn as much about alcoholism as possible since it affects my life

b) learn how to not become an enabler

c) learn how to not be as controlling (part of b)

d) learn how to not get upset about things that are not in my control and do not actually affect me

I am very happy w/ my husband, I don't want him to change. I have been having lovely chats with him all day, he is a wonderful man! I do not want to change that b/c I don't know how to effectively deal with an alcoholic.

elizabeth1979

Yes I am biased. Its not becuase I searched out a resource at the point it was ending. Its because I have been where you are and lived with an alcoholic. Maybe its just me, but that statement sounds self righteous and as though your situation is not horrible, not ending, and "your" alcoholic is not nearly as bad as anyone elses.

Why may I ask, are you here if his drinking is not affecting you negatively and you are not frightened of your relationship ending?

Nevermind, I dont need an answer..rhetorical questions.
Hope you can get to a meeting, they help.

equus

I love my husband, I made the right decision to stay, I have no regret.

Drinking harmed him, I love him being sober - he's alive and vibrant and as dotty as always, it makes me smile.

I suppose that is what I still can't understand - how can you be unsure you'd want him sober and feel confident the love is for real?

pmaslan

I guess your issues are more of a "how to have a happy marriage" nature.
I would suggest a counselor for you so that you can work on your
control issues...as I can see that you do have them, you are trying to
control every comment and poster here.
Maybe the ACOA forum may be a bit more understanding to what it is
you are looking for. Because as pathetic as it sounds, I would venture
to say that all of us here HAVE or HAD a problem with a loved ones
drinking. If you don't want him to change I see nothing more that
you may benefit you from right here.

Minx1969

MA -

Jazz mentioned this book earlier in the thread: Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism (Paperback)
by James Robert Milam, Katherine Ketcham

If you read it - you will come to understand what all of us here already know...

Alcoholism is a progressive disease..There are physiological changes occur to an alcoholic.

Yes..I know that your experience is different..You may not see it in your relatives but I guarantee..you will see them in your husband as the disease progresses...

Jazzman

Ah but you DO want him to change. It's obvious. You want him to be able to drink responsibly. You want to feel secure in a future with him, starting a family, building your dreams. You want him to WANT to go to bed the same time as you do.

Look at your choice of words... “effectively deal with an alcoholic”..
To what effect(outcome) are attempting to deal(control) with?

minnie

MA, I think what you want to learn is spot on and exactly what I did learn when I came here. The fact that I learned other things, about me and him, that ultimately led me to leave are neither here nor there.

However, please have a re-think about saying you don't want him to change. Because, quite understandably, you want him to stop drinking in the way he does and that comes through in your posts. There's nothing wrong with that. I did too. And by doing things differently yourself, it may just change the way he thinks about his drinking and therefore change his actions. But if you do things differently simply for that reason, then that's where it all gets very messy for you.

So, which topic do you want to start a thread on first? Tackling them all on this one might get a bit confusing.

denny57

Is this true? MVHO is that you are unhappy. Maybe I'm wrong.

Reading all this reminded me of something someone said to me early in my recovery - do you think AH is dissecting and worrying about you 24/7? Nope.

I also remember how difficult it was for me to admit I could possibly be wrong about just how perfect a man AH was. I eventually made my personal happiness contingent on his health, wealth, wants and needs. I was twisted!

prodigal

Again, pmaslan and jazzman - right on target. Control issues going on all over the place. That said, I'm moving onto cleaning up my side of the box for the day. End of sentence. End of paragraph.

blizzard77

Wow MA, I'm very new here and have not seen this many replys to a thread from a newbie in a long time.
You can gain a lot of insight here at SR but IMHO alanon meetings are where I've learned the most so far (about me) and my character defects. You can't start fixing it until you know what's wrong with it and working the 12 steps is helping me see what's wrong with my behavoir, my reactoins, my need to control, my part in all of this.
I don't think you should leave your husband. I haven't but I have set some personal boundries that are based only on what is best for me.
We have separate checking accounts. I used to pay all the bills he'd give me money when he was working but I would make sure this and that got paid on time including his child support? (He's working now after being unemployed for a year).
He attends AA, I attended alanon. His recovery is his business. My recovery is mine.
No sexual intmacy for right now. It screws things up for me (in my head) and it's what is best for me in my situation.
We still speak, talk about our days at work the kids (my step kids), eat together when we are home at the same time which isn't much as we work opposite shifts.
We still kiss good night and give eachother a big hug.
In my situation my AH went to rehab and is 51/2 months without a drink or drug but things got worse not better like I thought they would.
He stopped attending meetings, kept me at arms length, stayed up all night and slept all day. He was grumpy and negative and basically a miserable person to be around (same man he was when drinking). I admit I didn't attend alanon as I was advised to until my bottom fell out and the pain of living in my situation became unbearable for me.
It does seem that many situations here end in the termination of a relationship but that is an individual choice. I too looked at some of the posts here and thought it NEVER works but I'm going to make my situation work. That was before my bottom fell out.
I can tell from your posts that you love your husband very much and want to have a happy and healthy future with him. It's great that you're trying to educate yourself on the disease. Keep it up, knowledge is power and self knowledge is even more powerful. You'll get this when you start working step 4 with a sponsor if you find alanon to be helpful for you.
I've been learning a lot about myself, about why I need to control, care-take and rescue and how to recognize when I'm doing this and then slowly change and acting instead of reacting or controlling. I practice it everyday, I journal everynight about things that happend during the day and then the next morning I read what I wrote the night before and try to see where I had been controlling, self-centered, dishonest and try not to repeat the same behaviors. I read my alanon literature, the big book, and a daily reading from The Language of Letting Go (mentioned several times in this thread. Then I try to be conscience of what I am doing, how I'm behaving in situations and what I need to do to start changing those automatic learned behaviors. If I find myself making mistakes I acknowledge and accept what I did wrong, forgive myself and ask my higher power to help me not make that mistake again. It takes practice and a lot of work to change controlling behaviors. They didn't happen over night and they won't change over night. My best to you and your husband. The best thing and most loving thing you could do for him right now is to put the focus on you and take care of you.

ASpouse

Oh my God, I am not bitter at all! I have 3 wonderful children, one died from brain cancer at age 3, my husband is a recovering alcoholic of 3 years and having a sober spouse makes my heart sing, I have a great job, a decent house, I breed the occasional litter of Belgian Sheepdogs, I compete with my dogs in agility, I am involved in my children's activities. I am going to meet a special person from these very boards, another Jersey girl in about a month, so MA .... bitter I am not, very far from it for you see, I've been where you are, in MAJOR DENIAL, but now that the sun is shining, I have food on my table and love in my heart, I am thankful for all the good stuff I do have.

Has my life been hard? I suppose it's all a matter of how you look at it, but certainly no more difficult than any of the other folks here or any of my friends lives.

I think you for forgot two very important words in this sentence and those two words are "until now".