Grateful to Find This Site
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome to SR, Misplaced. This is a wonderful place for gathering info and, as you can see, getting exposed to a wide variety of opinions. Btw, I was in DC earlier in the summer with some good buddies from this site and loved it - especially Alexandria.
If you don't mind, I'm going to pull out some stuff from your posts as you have given us lots of info to go on and I risk missing some stuff:
You are 26
You moved away to a brand new place where the only person you knew was someone you'd met 3 months previously
You married the same guy after knowing him 6 months
You knew he had a drink problem
In addition, hubby drinks enough to cause financial hardship, then gets a DUI which compounds the problem.
He operates on a minimal amount of sleep, coupled with the effects of the drinks of a few hours earlier.
He drinks occasionally until 4am
He avoids spending time with you
He says that things will change when you have children
If you don't give him money to buy drink, he finds it from somewhere else
He can control his drinking in social situations
He is not abusive
He is kind, responsive, thoughtful, generous, loving, smart, artistic
You accompany him to the bar to attempt to stop him drinking
You hide money so that he can't drink
You do not want to bring children into this situation
You would not be thrilled by staying with him if he stays as he is
You allowed yourself to be in the car whilst he was driving over the limit
You have not seen him drink at inapproriate times
You don't want to change him
You have family experience of alcoholism, including a parent
You admit to being controlling
You want information
You want the best for him
You are an ESFJ
How am I doing? If I've got that right, do you notice any contradictions or pertinent facts?
You are obviously a bright and intelligent woman. I know you can find out the answers you need and hope that we can help by asking you the right questions for you.
p.s. I was an EFSJ once.
If you don't mind, I'm going to pull out some stuff from your posts as you have given us lots of info to go on and I risk missing some stuff:
You are 26
You moved away to a brand new place where the only person you knew was someone you'd met 3 months previously
You married the same guy after knowing him 6 months
You knew he had a drink problem
In addition, hubby drinks enough to cause financial hardship, then gets a DUI which compounds the problem.
He operates on a minimal amount of sleep, coupled with the effects of the drinks of a few hours earlier.
He drinks occasionally until 4am
He avoids spending time with you
He says that things will change when you have children
If you don't give him money to buy drink, he finds it from somewhere else
He can control his drinking in social situations
He is not abusive
He is kind, responsive, thoughtful, generous, loving, smart, artistic
You accompany him to the bar to attempt to stop him drinking
You hide money so that he can't drink
You do not want to bring children into this situation
You would not be thrilled by staying with him if he stays as he is
You allowed yourself to be in the car whilst he was driving over the limit
You have not seen him drink at inapproriate times
You don't want to change him
You have family experience of alcoholism, including a parent
You admit to being controlling
You want information
You want the best for him
You are an ESFJ
How am I doing? If I've got that right, do you notice any contradictions or pertinent facts?
You are obviously a bright and intelligent woman. I know you can find out the answers you need and hope that we can help by asking you the right questions for you.
p.s. I was an EFSJ once.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
I would love if you could tell me do a) b) c) and d), haha! Thats not life though.
I know I can't change him, but I can't seem to help at this point, when lets say I see him go for a shot of tequila, I just cringe inside and want to stop him. I know nothing I say will stop him, I want to learn how to stop the cringe inside of me. Its really not warranted, like I said, his drinking really doesn't affect me negatively. My life is going to be no better or worse regardless of whether or not he takes that shot.
The only other thing that I get upset about is his late hours, again, rationally I know I am not going to change what he wants to do (and in any case if I did he would be resentful) and honestly it doesn't affect me at all. But I can't help but get upset, which isn't helping anything.
It's the fear that our relationship will follow the path of so many of the relationships I see on here that causes this reaction.
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself" - so true
Admittedly, changing my worrisome/controlling ways I hope to be a two edged sword, by learning not to, firstly I will stop being upset by his actions and secondly it will stop me from enabling him with my anger.
I know I can't change him, but I can't seem to help at this point, when lets say I see him go for a shot of tequila, I just cringe inside and want to stop him. I know nothing I say will stop him, I want to learn how to stop the cringe inside of me. Its really not warranted, like I said, his drinking really doesn't affect me negatively. My life is going to be no better or worse regardless of whether or not he takes that shot.
The only other thing that I get upset about is his late hours, again, rationally I know I am not going to change what he wants to do (and in any case if I did he would be resentful) and honestly it doesn't affect me at all. But I can't help but get upset, which isn't helping anything.
It's the fear that our relationship will follow the path of so many of the relationships I see on here that causes this reaction.
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself" - so true
Admittedly, changing my worrisome/controlling ways I hope to be a two edged sword, by learning not to, firstly I will stop being upset by his actions and secondly it will stop me from enabling him with my anger.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
On this last note and then I have nothing further to add to what seems like I've repeated a dozen times here, You need to set some boundaries. Others can explain those ..... that may help you establish the behavior you want from yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Originally Posted by MisplacedAustin
How do you not care what someone you loves does? How can I not care that he is hurting himself?
These things go against my basic nature and I need information to support why I need to not care. How to not care. I love him, I want the best for him. I understand that giving all is not necessarily going to make him better. But how can I not worry that he may be hurt? I don't know how not to. I know it is MY worry that is upsetting me the most, and it is my issue.
Thank you.
These things go against my basic nature and I need information to support why I need to not care. How to not care. I love him, I want the best for him. I understand that giving all is not necessarily going to make him better. But how can I not worry that he may be hurt? I don't know how not to. I know it is MY worry that is upsetting me the most, and it is my issue.
Thank you.
When I first came to realize it, I had several meetings and Al-anon and this fourm.
Then you scurry like He$$ to get yourself into a recovery... Very slow.
Now I'm not where I was yesterday, not where I should be but thank God I'm where I am at today....
We are not crazy people or pathetic, just also in recovery.
Good luck
karen xo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ok... let me explain what I see... and remember this is oly my opinion....
Sounds like you are trying to "make" him admit what you think should be true when he is drinking.... You are trying to reason with an active drinker?
I realize you would prefer him in bed with you..... but his actions have not changed, he is doing the same things he always does and your getting upset with him ( I assume a little arguing or such) is unreasonable since you already accept his behavior.... expecting something different then what he is showing you is a form of controling. Also the "he did listen to me" just feels to me like your directing him. If he does not want to come to bed early enough to spend time with you the next day..... what does that say?
Im not sure I should have to explain this one. Hiding money? Getting up out of bed and going with him so he is less likely to drink tequila?????? You are his wife not his babysitter (sorry if that sounds harsh) That is controlling or trying to anyway.
Who is holding the reigns?
I see you doing alot of Justifying the unacceptable and making what should be a big deal into something trivial.... Trust me on this one that DUI is going to come to bite you in the butt more then you know right now. You are not responsible for his decision to get behind the wheel intoxicated.
I agree both could have made better choices.
Justifying .... just feeling that you are not accepting what is real but justifying why you want to stay with him. Honi, you dont have to justify anything.... Also if he had Parkinsons disease and refused treatment and would do nothing to help himself and make it easier for you would you feel the same way?
How long in the past..... Co-dependence does not just go away. I also would like to be "recovered" and Im sure all Alcoholic's would like to be "recovered" but my personal belief is that it is "recovery" and a life long process......
Also you mentioned somewhere about leaving printouts and such around so that he could see it without your pointing it out..... that is called passive agressive and again is controlling.
If your husband thought he had a problem or wanted to do something about it then he would.... I would just suggest taking the focus off what you think his issues are and putting them on what you can control.... You.
Al-anon, theraphy, reading, etc....
Of course this is only my view... I could be way off base.
He has told me that he does not like the way he acts or feels at work the next day, but when he is drinking he refuses to admit this.
I did get upset about this as well this weekend, b/c the weekend before he stayed up until 6 or 7 in the morning both nights which left me alone for most of the weekend, when I would have preferred to have time with him. He did listen to me (kind of) and Friday night came to bed at 3 allowing us to have some time together the next day.
I knew he really wanted to go to the bar so I hid our money under my pillow. He came in to ask for it and I got up and went with him to the bar, I feel like if I am with him he is less likely to drink tequila. (I was not rude or snotty about this and had a decent time).
if given total free reign he would drink upwards of 10 shots of tequila and a 12 pack.
I feel equally responsible for it b/c I was also in the car, and also drinking and would've been willing to drive. Also, our financial problems are not caused only by that but also by some bad financial decisions I have made in the recent past as well.
I agree both could have made better choices.
What if my husband got parkinsons disease, many of these situations would be true as well, would the correct action be for me to leave b/c he was just diagnosed with Parkinsons and I know that these things are coming?
I know that I have once in the past been co-dependent traits and that I can be controlling.
Also you mentioned somewhere about leaving printouts and such around so that he could see it without your pointing it out..... that is called passive agressive and again is controlling.
If your husband thought he had a problem or wanted to do something about it then he would.... I would just suggest taking the focus off what you think his issues are and putting them on what you can control.... You.
Al-anon, theraphy, reading, etc....
Of course this is only my view... I could be way off base.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
Minnie - a couple comments/questions as to how you infered some things. Most things are very accurate but a few are not.
True - You are 26
True - You moved away to a brand new place where the only person you knew was someone you'd met 3 months previously
True - You married the same guy after knowing him 6 months
True - You knew he had a drink problem
True - In addition, hubby drinks enough to cause financial hardship, then gets a DUI which compounds the problem.
True - He operates on a minimal amount of sleep, coupled with the effects of the drinks of a few hours earlier.
True - He drinks occasionally until 4am
False - He avoids spending time with you; my husband loves spending time with me and often wants me with him most times that are possible
True - He says that things will change when you have children; as an interesting side note, his father abused alcohol until his children were born, since then has been described as stalworth
True/False - I don't "give" him money, but we do decide on a budget together, then if he doesn't like it, he gets "resourceful" - If you don't give him money to by drink, he finds it from somewhere else
Mostly True - I would say more Public situations that social, we entertain alot at home as well as go out, at home w/ his buddies he has no problem gettin ********* - He can control his drinking in social situations
True - He is not abusive
True - He is kind, responsive, thoughtful, generous, loving, smart, artistic
True/False - I accompany him for several reasons, because I want to, because he asks me to and yes sometimes b/c I feel I have more control of the situation if I am there, also b/c I will worry the whole time and be miserable if I am not there - You accompany him to the bar to attempt to stop him drinking
False - I hid money not b/c I didn't want him to drink but, honestly, b/c I just want to control him, no its not that, its that I worry about him, and part of me would rather do the same as him so that we can be together (gaaaa yes I realize how co-dependent that is) that is the one and only time I did it, and honestly it worked out very well, I compromised went with him for an hour and a half came home we went to bed then got up the next day and spent the whole day together. I hate when he stays up later than me then I wake up early and we are just on totally different schedules - You hide money so that he can't drink
True - You do not want to bring children into this situation
False - I am and could continue to be happy with him if he stayed like this, but not if he got worse and I would not want to bring children into this situation (would not necessarily make me unhappy as I have always been on the fence) - You would not be thrilled by staying with him if he stays as he is
True - You allowed yourself to be in the car whilst he was driving over the limit
True - You have not seen him drink at inapproriate times
True - I really really don't but I know my actions don't support this-You don't want to change him
True - You have family experience of alcoholism, including a parent
True - You admit to being controlling
True - You want information
True - You want the best for him
True - You are an ESFJ
True - You are 26
True - You moved away to a brand new place where the only person you knew was someone you'd met 3 months previously
True - You married the same guy after knowing him 6 months
True - You knew he had a drink problem
True - In addition, hubby drinks enough to cause financial hardship, then gets a DUI which compounds the problem.
True - He operates on a minimal amount of sleep, coupled with the effects of the drinks of a few hours earlier.
True - He drinks occasionally until 4am
False - He avoids spending time with you; my husband loves spending time with me and often wants me with him most times that are possible
True - He says that things will change when you have children; as an interesting side note, his father abused alcohol until his children were born, since then has been described as stalworth
True/False - I don't "give" him money, but we do decide on a budget together, then if he doesn't like it, he gets "resourceful" - If you don't give him money to by drink, he finds it from somewhere else
Mostly True - I would say more Public situations that social, we entertain alot at home as well as go out, at home w/ his buddies he has no problem gettin ********* - He can control his drinking in social situations
True - He is not abusive
True - He is kind, responsive, thoughtful, generous, loving, smart, artistic
True/False - I accompany him for several reasons, because I want to, because he asks me to and yes sometimes b/c I feel I have more control of the situation if I am there, also b/c I will worry the whole time and be miserable if I am not there - You accompany him to the bar to attempt to stop him drinking
False - I hid money not b/c I didn't want him to drink but, honestly, b/c I just want to control him, no its not that, its that I worry about him, and part of me would rather do the same as him so that we can be together (gaaaa yes I realize how co-dependent that is) that is the one and only time I did it, and honestly it worked out very well, I compromised went with him for an hour and a half came home we went to bed then got up the next day and spent the whole day together. I hate when he stays up later than me then I wake up early and we are just on totally different schedules - You hide money so that he can't drink
True - You do not want to bring children into this situation
False - I am and could continue to be happy with him if he stayed like this, but not if he got worse and I would not want to bring children into this situation (would not necessarily make me unhappy as I have always been on the fence) - You would not be thrilled by staying with him if he stays as he is
True - You allowed yourself to be in the car whilst he was driving over the limit
True - You have not seen him drink at inapproriate times
True - I really really don't but I know my actions don't support this-You don't want to change him
True - You have family experience of alcoholism, including a parent
True - You admit to being controlling
True - You want information
True - You want the best for him
True - You are an ESFJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by MisplacedAustin
when lets say I see him go for a shot of tequila, I just cringe inside and want to stop him. I know nothing I say will stop him, I want to learn how to stop the cringe inside of me. Its really not warranted, like I said, his drinking really doesn't affect me negatively.
Originally Posted by MisplacedAustin
The only other thing that I get upset about is his late hours, again, rationally I know I am not going to change what he wants to do (and in any case if I did he would be resentful) and honestly it doesn't affect me at all. But I can't help but get upset, which isn't helping anything.
Originally Posted by MisplacedAustin
It's the fear that our relationship will follow the path of so many of the relationships I see on here that causes this reaction.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I think that being a caretaker to someone with an alcohol problem can create a bad situation. I am trying to learn how to go against who and what I am, this is not easy.
This is not who you are, this is who you have learned to be because of your being raised in an Alcoholic home. I was also raised in one and did not even realize there were effects on me till my 20s.
You can change the behavior you have "learned"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
I know I am making mistakes, that is why I am here! I am not looking to learn how to make my husband quit drinking, I am trying to learn how I can deal with it better.
What is this that ASpouse mentioned about setting boundaries? This is what Im looking for, I know Im not handling this right but I can't figure it out on my own... thats why Im here.
We have talked about his staying up late and I know that it is his decision and I am working on not caring, in fact since we had our "talk" about this about a month ago, I have only gotten upset once. That was the night in ? when I hid the money and went with him. I am trying to not get upset by it and am improving, that night was somewhat emotional for me and I know its not a great excuse but I was very hormonal, I tried to not be bothered and I couldn't help it that time. The steps I took may not have been the best ones to take, but they did end up satisfying both of us.
I left the co-dependent relationship 7 years ago and have not been in another one yet. I know that part of my personality lays dormant in me, I do not want to turn into that person again. Which is very hard when living somewhere where you have no support network, I have been trying to join some clubs and things here. But honestly, have not found anybody I have clicked with on more than a superficial level.
What is this that ASpouse mentioned about setting boundaries? This is what Im looking for, I know Im not handling this right but I can't figure it out on my own... thats why Im here.
We have talked about his staying up late and I know that it is his decision and I am working on not caring, in fact since we had our "talk" about this about a month ago, I have only gotten upset once. That was the night in ? when I hid the money and went with him. I am trying to not get upset by it and am improving, that night was somewhat emotional for me and I know its not a great excuse but I was very hormonal, I tried to not be bothered and I couldn't help it that time. The steps I took may not have been the best ones to take, but they did end up satisfying both of us.
I left the co-dependent relationship 7 years ago and have not been in another one yet. I know that part of my personality lays dormant in me, I do not want to turn into that person again. Which is very hard when living somewhere where you have no support network, I have been trying to join some clubs and things here. But honestly, have not found anybody I have clicked with on more than a superficial level.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Ok, I'll let you have the hair-splitting, but I'd just like to explain why I pulled out a couple of points:
False - He avoids spending time with you; my husband loves spending time with me and often wants me with him most times that are possible
You are newlyweds, sweetie. If I thought that I would be going to bed alone so much less than 3 months after I married, then I'm staying single forever.
False - You would not be thrilled by staying with him if he stays as he is. I am and could continue to be happy with him if he stayed like this, but not if he got worse and I would not want to bring children into this situation (would not necessarily make me unhappy as I have always been on the fence) -
Or do you want to split hairs over the "necessarily"?
I've said enough for one evening. Don't think I'm having a go at you - I think you might remind me of me, that's all. And I know I didn't get anywhere until I started having my contradictions exposed.
Take care.
False - He avoids spending time with you; my husband loves spending time with me and often wants me with him most times that are possible
if he has drinks around he will stay up all night drinking, even though he has work the next day. I will often awake at 3 or 4 in the morning to him still being up and when I ask him to come to bed he will insist to drink one more beer, even though he needs to be up at 7.
the weekend before he stayed up until 6 or 7 in the morning both nights which left me alone for most of the weekend, when I would have preferred to have time with him
Friday night came to bed at 3 allowing us to have some time together the next day. Actually he had promised to come to bed at midnight, then said that he wanted to stay up and play music
False - You would not be thrilled by staying with him if he stays as he is. I am and could continue to be happy with him if he stayed like this, but not if he got worse and I would not want to bring children into this situation (would not necessarily make me unhappy as I have always been on the fence) -
I know the question to ask myself is, if his drinking never changed, could you stay with him? The answer is yes, I wouldn’t necessarily be thrilled but yes I could deal
I've said enough for one evening. Don't think I'm having a go at you - I think you might remind me of me, that's all. And I know I didn't get anywhere until I started having my contradictions exposed.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
Cynay - because I think that I am the only one responsible for my feelings, not him. I make a choice somewhere inside me to cringe. I make a choice to be bothered by it. In all reality I am the one creating the issue and trying to control him. He is just trying to live his life the way he wants to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You're right, nobody told you to leave your husband...
... and I doubt anyone here would suggest it. But doesn't it strike you that it's a common factor that everyone is telling you it is a progressive disease? We all come from different backgrounds and different places here, but we seem to share that sad fact in common. I told you in as detached a manner as I could what happens. I literally have a box full of statistical data, reports, papers, pamphlets, books, you name it, on the disease of alcoholism. I would be happy to give you information on where to get all the stuff I have, titles, etc.
When I first came to this board, I got my hackles up a few times when people told me things I did not care to hear or did not like or agree with. But I kept coming back. Everyone here has walked the walk, so they are more than experienced to talk the talk. As someone said in this thread, if you came to this board to hear what you wanted to hear you may very well be disappointed.
Some folks are going to be direct and take the tough-love approach, some are going to take a softer approach, but the message is going to be the same about the disease. I am not attempting to address your husband's situation on a personal level because I do not know the man. I am simply telling you what years of research has proven.
You sound like you truly love your husband and want what is best for him. You did mention you would prefer to see him go out for a drink now and then and simply be a social drinker. As I said, an alcoholic has a different approach to alcohol; a different mindset. What you are seeing is someone who is starting to have problems that are a result of his drinking. That is one of the byproducts of the disease. He could remain at his current drinking status for years, he could suddenly get worse, he could decide he needs to seek help. It's all contingent on him making that decision.
Give Al-Anon a try. You live in a metro area where there are plenty of meetings. It is always suggested to newcomers that they try six meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is a program they wish to pursue. Al-Anon will focus on you and you will become equipped with the tools that help you not to enable your husband. You'll also be able to detach with love. You will never be told to leave him or kick him out. Those are personal decisions you alone must make.
When I first came to this board, I got my hackles up a few times when people told me things I did not care to hear or did not like or agree with. But I kept coming back. Everyone here has walked the walk, so they are more than experienced to talk the talk. As someone said in this thread, if you came to this board to hear what you wanted to hear you may very well be disappointed.
Some folks are going to be direct and take the tough-love approach, some are going to take a softer approach, but the message is going to be the same about the disease. I am not attempting to address your husband's situation on a personal level because I do not know the man. I am simply telling you what years of research has proven.
You sound like you truly love your husband and want what is best for him. You did mention you would prefer to see him go out for a drink now and then and simply be a social drinker. As I said, an alcoholic has a different approach to alcohol; a different mindset. What you are seeing is someone who is starting to have problems that are a result of his drinking. That is one of the byproducts of the disease. He could remain at his current drinking status for years, he could suddenly get worse, he could decide he needs to seek help. It's all contingent on him making that decision.
Give Al-Anon a try. You live in a metro area where there are plenty of meetings. It is always suggested to newcomers that they try six meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is a program they wish to pursue. Al-Anon will focus on you and you will become equipped with the tools that help you not to enable your husband. You'll also be able to detach with love. You will never be told to leave him or kick him out. Those are personal decisions you alone must make.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
Minnie - as far as the bed thing, yes going to bed together is something that I enjoy. Its not important for him though, he enjoys staying up late b/c that is when he has total alone time to concentrate on music, and drinking usually. I don't think it makes him a bad husband, to be partners we don't have to live on the exact same schedule. I know this will come off as I am justifying, but the weekend he did stay up so late two nights in a row, was 1) a first for him 2) we had another late-night owl spending a couple of weeks with us, the next weekend he was in bed at the same time as me both nights. But when he does happen to want to go to bed at the same time as me, I get a treat. It's his life and I am trying to not control it, I don't think I have the right to say, you are being a bad husband if you don't want to go to sleep when I do.
I don't want to split hairs over the necessarily, but lets just say that I expect(ed) us to grow up and as we grew older to live a more "normal" schedule that included less drinking, as is typical for most humans. In all honesty though, I don't know if that lifestyle would necessarily make me happy. I know I am happy with him as a husband right now, but I am unhappy with some of the ways I am reacting to him.
I don't want to split hairs over the necessarily, but lets just say that I expect(ed) us to grow up and as we grew older to live a more "normal" schedule that included less drinking, as is typical for most humans. In all honesty though, I don't know if that lifestyle would necessarily make me happy. I know I am happy with him as a husband right now, but I am unhappy with some of the ways I am reacting to him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by MisplacedAustin
but lets just say that I expect(ed) us to grow up and as we grew older to live a more "normal" schedule that included less drinking, as is typical for most humans.
L
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Fair play, hon. Although, I am puzzled why going to bed at the same time as your husband of less than 3 months is something to be seen as a treat. Although, I have no track record of healthy relationships, so that's probably just me.
I bumped up some threads on boundaries for you.
I bumped up some threads on boundaries for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
Prodigal - If you have any information or sources as to the progression of the disease I would be highly interested in them. I know everyone here says that you can't help it, it will end horribly. This is also what I have heard from other sources, but due to personal experiences I have a hard time believing that. I think that people on this board may be biased as well, b/c they have finally searched out this resource at the point where it is ending horribly.
I am at the very first stages of this and am trying to understand how I can best deal with this situation as it progresses to ensure the least pain and suffering on my part as possible.
There are so many people with alcohol problems, there has to be a way that you can deal with it as a spouse and keep your sanity.
I have printed off a list of Al-anon meetings in my area and will plan on attending a minimum of 6.
Thank youall.
I am at the very first stages of this and am trying to understand how I can best deal with this situation as it progresses to ensure the least pain and suffering on my part as possible.
There are so many people with alcohol problems, there has to be a way that you can deal with it as a spouse and keep your sanity.
I have printed off a list of Al-anon meetings in my area and will plan on attending a minimum of 6.
Thank youall.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 17
Minnie - it's a treat b/c I enjoy it and it doesn't always happen b/c it's not a priority for him, I also always make sure to let him know how good it feels to be cuddling in his arms before bed and in the a.m. when he is there with me.
My husband is very affectionate, its not like he withholds cuddles from me at all. He just likes to stay up, I like to go to bed early. Does he have a right to get upset b/c I don't want to stay up late? no! and I don't have the right to get upset if he chooses to not come to bed at the same time as me. Its his life, his choice, he's the one who will deal with the consequences.
LTD - honestly I am probably more prepared for a lifestyle that isn't that typical one; I've never been a conventional type. But admitedly I always have found the the "Perfect Family" attractive from a distance but have gotten bored with the times in my life that have somewhat reflected that lifestyle. Not to say that I want to be Bonnie n Clyde, but to say, that a less conventional lifestyle very well may have a higher likelihood of providing me with lifelong happiness.
I need to not be as controlling and to take it one day at a time and have faith in my husband until he gives me reason not to.
My husband is very affectionate, its not like he withholds cuddles from me at all. He just likes to stay up, I like to go to bed early. Does he have a right to get upset b/c I don't want to stay up late? no! and I don't have the right to get upset if he chooses to not come to bed at the same time as me. Its his life, his choice, he's the one who will deal with the consequences.
LTD - honestly I am probably more prepared for a lifestyle that isn't that typical one; I've never been a conventional type. But admitedly I always have found the the "Perfect Family" attractive from a distance but have gotten bored with the times in my life that have somewhat reflected that lifestyle. Not to say that I want to be Bonnie n Clyde, but to say, that a less conventional lifestyle very well may have a higher likelihood of providing me with lifelong happiness.
I need to not be as controlling and to take it one day at a time and have faith in my husband until he gives me reason not to.
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