MisplacedAustin

Hello!

I am so happy to have found this forum, I have been looking for something like this for months but haven’t been able to locate any good boards. This very well be a long post, but I appreciate anybody who takes the time to read and respond.

Our story so far – I am 26, he is 27
My husband and I met December 2, 2005 within a month we were both sure that we wanted a long term relationship with each other. In mid-February I was offered a promotion that would move me 1,500 miles away from home. I asked him to join me and he agreed (he was living a bachelor lifestyle w/ roommates and it was easy for him to pick up an d go). We moved to the DC metro area as of March 1, 2006 after being together 3 months. I knew then that my husband had a drinking problem, to be honest I also abuse alcohol but am not addicted.

We lived here for another 3 months very happily and on June 9th were married. I think my husband is a very wonderful man (in fact that is one of his nick names). He is kind, responsive, thoughtful, generous, loving, smart, artistic. I do not regret marrying him at all, and I am looking forward to growing old with him.

I am concerned about our future due to his alcoholism though. Currently we are experiencing some difficulties from it, primarily that he got a DUI (his first) about a month and a half ago, obviously this has caused some financial strains. Also, his alcohol abuse causes money problems on a regular basis b/c he buys beer most days and often wants to go to the bar and spend more money than we can afford, often finding a way to justify it in the moment. We make good money and should be able to save for trips and a home, but I know this will not be possible with his current spending habits. He has always been one to blow all his money until it’s gone.

He is still nice to me when he drinks, not abusive at all or unloving, rude or anything. He will usually listen to reason even (other than anything along the lines of stopping drinking). This is the other thing I get upset about, if he has drinks around he will stay up all night drinking, even though he has work the next day. I will often awake at 3 or 4 in the morning to him still being up and when I ask him to come to bed he will insist to drink one more beer, even though he needs to be up at 7. He has told me that he does not like the way he acts or feels at work the next day, but when he is drinking he refuses to admit this. In the beginning of our relationship I would get upset about this (also, b/c I just like having my husband in bed with me), though I am trying to not argue with him and let him live his life as he see’s fit and deal with the consequences. I did get upset about this as well this weekend, b/c the weekend before he stayed up until 6 or 7 in the morning both nights which left me alone for most of the weekend, when I would have preferred to have time with him. He did listen to me (kind of) and Friday night came to bed at 3 allowing us to have some time together the next day. Actually he had promised to come to bed at midnight, then said that he wanted to stay up and play music and that late at night was his alone time to create. I knew he really wanted to go to the bar so I hid our money under my pillow. He came in to ask for it and I got up and went with him to the bar, I feel like if I am with him he is less likely to drink tequila. (I was not rude or snotty about this and had a decent time).

I really hate when he drinks tequila b/c I feel like it will increase the severity of his alcoholism.

Honestly, its not that bad right now, the money problem is the only thing I can really complain about. My main problem is my fear for the future, I know that alcoholism can tear a family apart, and I know my husband is an alcoholic, not an abuser, not a user, he is an addict. He mainly drinks beer and tequila, if given total free reign he would drink upwards of 10 shots of tequila and a 12 pack. He knows he has a problem, and says that when we have children he will stop. But how can I believe that enough to feel comfortable having children with him? Not that I think he is lying to me, but I am too aware of what alcoholism can do to you.

Also, in all honesty the idea of living with a totally sober partner is not appealing to me, I do like to have a glass(or two) of wine or beer few times a week and go to the bar maybe once every two weeks or so. When I come home with a bottle of wine, I will drink my 2 glasses and be ready for bed, that’s when he’s just getting started.

I know the question to ask myself is, if his drinking never changed, could you stay with him? The answer is yes, I wouldn’t necessarily be thrilled but yes I could deal (and I don’t think I would be willing to have children in this situation). But I don’t think I could deal if it got much worse.

Any insight, questions, thoughts, anything would be really appreciated.

Thank you

elizabeth1979

Welcome!

I am glad you have found us!

In all honesty, the important thing is whether or not his drinking is affecting you negatively. Seeing as it is, this is a great place for support, experience, and lots of great folks who have been there and done that!

I can relate to alot of what you said. I would start reading the "stickies" at the top of the forum, they are full of great info. Keep reading, posting, and learning all you can!

Welcome!

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.

Well it seems that you have a realistic view of the relationship... that is a start to be sure. I suggest that your read the stickies too and maybe think about going to some al-anon meetings. There are some really great books out there too.

I completely understand what your saying and usually in the beginning it does not effect how you feel so much. Unfortunally Alcholism is a progressive disease and it gets worse and worse. Kinda sounds to me like he has some serious problems and now with one DUI under his belt and still not thinking there is a problem... Well I can only say that for me the ride into the hells of Alcholism for him to reach his bottom is not one I would want to take again.

Hope you stick around, I look forward to getting to know you

equus

Hi there and welcome to SR!! Your post reminded me alot of myself, except without the DUI and it did cause my hubby problems that had a real affect on me.

I can see this is likely to be rather a big problem when you've married someone struggling with alcohol: I love my hubby to bits sober which helps because if he'd continued to drink eventually it would kill him.

I don't really know how you'll get round that one.

LIFEOUTTHERE

I am new here myself so I can only tell you about me. When I married my husband he drank. I had know idea what I was getting myself into. He told me that he would stop and it was no problem. We started having children and I mention to him that he needed to start thinking about stopping. Instead of quitting my husband only got worse. We have three children now and my little girl wishes for a 'normal daddy'. Please think about this before you bring children into this marriage. My children and I left Sunday was one week ago. The only thing good that has come out of my marriage so far is them.

prodigal

The wish you have that your husband be a social drinker is one every alcoholic in recovery has had - to drink socially. Unfortunately, you can't be a little bit alcoholic or a little bit pregnant. I, too, desperately wanted my husband to be able to have a drink now and then and walk away from it. He would have a drink and all of a sudden - kaboom! - he was on a bender that would last for the entire weekend.

I lived in the greater Baltimore-Washington, DC area all my life and had tons of relatives living in Alexandria. If you can stand the humidity, it's a great place to live and there is always something to do.

Keep posting here and read the stickies - they really are quite informative. You're dealing with a progressive disease. I'm sorry there isn't a better prognosis. That's just the sad fact. I have sat and watched the deterioration of a human being. I never thought I'd live to see the day my husband would curse me or break things, but it finally happened.

I just happened to find this board by some miracle and it has been a real anchor for me in my times of despair. There are fantastic folks on this board who will really be there for you. Each person is so unique that you really do get to know them in a personal way even though they're out in cyberspace somewhere. I'm thankful for the friends I've made here - it's a good place to be.

denny57

Hi MisplacedAustin and welcome to SR!

Alcoholism tends to be progressive, so the better question to ask might be knowing that, am I willing to continue on as usual. In my case, my AH sounds a lot like where yours is now; he was 27 when I met him. He is 45 now, and for the last 5-6 years the drinking got extremely bad and the last 2-3 so bad I am now out of the marriage. I also chose to not bring children into our life.

I also used to enjoy drinking and AH and I had many good times where alcohol was involved. That changed when the drinking was not part of the fun, but a necessity for AH to function. Funny thing is, since this all came to its conclusion, I have not drank, do not miss it and doubt I'll ever drink again. Just a choice.

I hope you'll keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.

an'ka

Misplaced Austin, I, too, thought that the birth of our child would make my husband slow down, but no, he turned into a severe alcoholic. It became so bad that I could not deal anymore and sought separation. Not to sound like a parrot, but your H's drinking WILL exacerbate--this is not my opinion, it's a fact. You are already experiencing financial difficulties with him spending your hard earned money; this, too, will get worse. It doesn't matter what type of alcohol he is consuming now--beer or tequila; consider the sheer amount of either that he drinks! His alcoholism will progress no matter what it is that he is ingesting. And given that he drinks well into the night, when he knows all too well he has to work at 7 am, is a glaring sign that at some point, he will lose his job and your financial woes will only get worse. Are you sure you want to be in this downward spiral? Also, think about this: driking significant amount of alcohol over long periods of time changes people. Whereas your husband is mellow now, he will not remain that way forever. His personality will deteriorate and you may find yourself with a completely different (not in a good way, either) man than the one you married. Sorry to be such a pessimist (I am only when it comes to alcoholism), but this seems to be the experience of many, many people on his board. Best of luck to you!

blizzard77

Welcome to SR. I'm fairly new here but have found this site, alanon and seeing a therapist the only things keeping me some what sane and I'm starting to learn to focus on myself. Something I never did before. My AH sounds just like yours. He stayed up all night drinking, slept all day and we never had much time to spend together on the weekends because of this. I was always so sad and lonely. We moved to NC from Buffalo so I didn't have my friends to spend time with so my life, happiness and fun times became dependant on him. I didn't know then how sick I was and I continued to get sicker. I was so entangled in him. I felt like I was nothing without him. I had become addicted to my addict. That's called codependancy and it's also a painful and progressive disease IMHO. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic so I learned how to care take and become obsessed with sick people and I learned well.
I'm slowly learning to love myself, take care and meet my own needs, and it feels better everyday.
What's interesting is: I've done nothing different to change my physical appearance. Same make-up which isn't much, same hair style and being a nurse same clothes (scrubs) but in the past couple of weeks I have people complimenting me on how I look. What's different? Did you change your hair?
A good friend that knows what I've finally been doing to help myself out of the pit I was in says there's a difference in my face ( I looked relaxed, smile more and without even knowing it am carrying myself in a way that is showing that I'm starting to like me.) I'm starting to have confidence in myself and starting to believe that I can get better if I work at it. I guess I'm a little off topic on your questions/concerns but what I really wanted to say is: Don't loose yourself in all of this. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Always try do think of you even before your AH who I know you love very much. Just love yourself more.

ASpouse

Why? I'll take living with sober vs. living with an alcoholic any day and time of the year. After living with an alcoholic for so many years, watching it get progressively worse, being alienated over time .... nope sober is the way my recovering alcoholic (after 35 years of alcoholic drinking) needs to be.

How can you say you love this man, I mean truly love this man but not so sure you want to live with someone completely sober? That is not very loving IMVHO.

My husband is sober, I drink. I go to bars (not with him, he won't go, but that is his recovery speaking, not me!)

Do you have so little self esteem that you are willing to live with an alcoholic who will, yes he will, make you unhappy. Are you willing to watch him suffer in the emergency room, with bleeding esophogus, stop eating, losing weight, looking like garbage, embarrassing you in public, because he will. His alcoholism will hate you .... and as the disease progresses he will choose the alcohol over you.

There will be no more social drinking, it will be a physical need for him, something he has to have, like the air he breathes. If he never stops drinking, you will always be a 2nd class citizen in his eyes, and many times less than that.

I have to say that I don't believe you let him suffer the consequences of his actions ..... for if you truly did, you wouldn't be here (but I'm glad you are), he is costing you money for his DUI, he is spending your joint funds and you get angry. So dear, you are not letting him suffer the consequences of his actions, You are suffering, he isn't.

I have a reputation here of speaking very bluntly and harshly. These are just 2 of the things I noticed in your thread that raised red flags for me.

In the meantime, read the stickies and be honest with yourself. Sweet girl, your husband is no different than the rest of our husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends ..... he is an alcoholic, he has a problem with liquor, you want us to believe "he is different" ... he's not!

All of our SO's are wonderful, kind, sweet, caring, romantic, artistic individuals (Mr & Ms. Wonderfuls so to speak) ..... without the booze. Your's is nothing special. More than likely the alcohol makes him these things, not the lack of it.

Minx1969

since no one has suggested Alanon meetings yet - I'll jump in and say that face to face meetings are great on getting additional insight..

Open AA meetings as well helped me with my compassion for those suffering from Alcoholism...

My exabf is a musician (I loved that artistic side of him)..He always promised he would be home more if we had kids..

well..there's a reason he's now my ex - bf...

I just decided that I couldn't happily be with someone and raise a family with someone that is active in their addiction...

I'm happy to say that today I'm in a new relationship that is wonderful (and he's not an alcholic!)

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR (((Misplaced))). Your story seems somewhat similar to mine in that I married my XAH VERY quickly--- too quickly in retrospect b/c had we just been dating, I would NOT have stayed with him as long as I did. Alcoholism is a progressive condition and you will see it get worse before it gets better. I realized very early on into our marriage that his addiction had the power to destroy our marriage. I even told him that "this will be the death of us." Of course, he did not take me seriously (can't believe I EVER expected him to!). For about 3 1/2 years, I hung in there hoping that things would "get better." Before finding SR and getting serious about my OWN role in all of this, I tried everything in the book to get him to stop. Nothing you say or do will change his behavior or "cure" him. Addicts must have the desire and will to stop all their own and usually this does not come about until they hit a "rock bottom." With enablers around (I was XAH's enabler), it is nearly impossible for the addict to reach this said bottom.

I do understand what you are saying here as I am a social drinker as well. I will tell you from my experience that this is simply not possible with an alcoholic. They cannot drink like "normies" and you will not be able to have this type of casual drinking relationship with him period. Can you deal with that for the rest of your life?

Please continue to read and post here and learn about addiction and your role in it. Important things to remember are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You CAN make your own choices however on what you will and will not put up with. You cannot control his behavior, but you can certainly control yours. Take responsibility for your role in this and leave him to his. You are not powerless and you are definitely not alone.

For the record, my XAH and I have been divorced for about a month now and it is the best decision I ever made. Those months turn into years very quickly and my only regret is that I "hung in there" for waaaaaaay too long. This battle is simply futile IMO.

MisplacedAustin

The replies on here are quite disheartening. Basically what I hear all of you saying, is though you are happy with your husband, you should leave him because he will only get worse.

Am I incorrect?

I do understand that if he was to recover, I would not be able to drink socially with (or probably around him). Would I be willing to make that sacrifice for my husband to be healthy? Yes, I would. I am trying to work through that question though so that there is no resentment on my part that I cannot enjoy a glass of wine after a long day because of him and his addiction. It is not that I cannot stand the idea of living with my SO if I was sober, not at all. It's that before I met him I enjoyed that glass or two of wine and if quitting for him will be a personal sacrifice. Also, I am being honest with the board about things that might be internally holding me back. Like I said, his drinking right now does not heavily influence me, I think I am primarily concerned with learning how to not enable his drinking so that he does fall on his own without me being a further cause or contributor for his abuse.

His DUI is causing us financial difficulties, but I feel equally responsible for it b/c I was also in the car, and also drinking and would've been willing to drive. Also, our financial problems are not caused only by that but also by some bad financial decisions I have made in the recent past as well.

I do not want to enable him or feel responsible for his drinking. How do I do that with money? Do we get seperate accounts and each pay for our own bills (1/2 the rent, phone and anything else) things? My first reaction to that is negative, I want to have a relationship with him and share everything. But maybe that is what I have to do. (as I come up with excusses as to why not in my head). For me a relationship should be a team effort.


ASpouse - I think that your statement:
"Do you have so little self esteem that you are willing to live with an alcoholic who will, yes he will, make you unhappy. Are you willing to watch him suffer in the emergency room, with bleeding esophogus, stop eating, losing weight, looking like garbage, embarrassing you in public, because he will. His alcoholism will hate you .... and as the disease progresses he will choose the alcohol over you."

is extremely biased to your situation. I have a very health self-esteem and do not want to deal with those things, but should you leave someone you love and respect because there is a possibility these things could happen? What if my husband got parkinsons disease, many of these situations would be true as well, would the correct action be for me to leave b/c he was just diagnosed with Parkinsons and I know that these things are coming? You are basing that on what has happened to you.

Also - I don't think my husbands disease is any different than anybody else's alchoholism (can never spell that word right!) but I do think that everyone has a choice and can respond differently to the disease and I am trying to understand the different courses this can go so that hopefully I can make the best decisions possible, instead of adding fuel to the fire.

"All of our SO's are wonderful, kind, sweet, caring, romantic, artistic individuals (Mr & Ms. Wonderfuls so to speak) ..... without the booze. Your's is nothing special. More than likely the alcohol makes him these things, not the lack of it." - uhm I totally don't understand the second part of this statement. The alchohol does definitely make him less of all the wonderful things I admire in him.

As far as children I have talked to him about my fear that he will not be able to quit drinking and that it will in fact increase once we have children, leaving the parenting burden primarily on me, he insists that he will be able to. I do understand that alchoholism doesn't usually work like that that an alchoholic increases their usage and the longer he waits to conront this problem the harder it will be to beat it. He insists that he has slowly drank less over the years as his responsibilities increase he controls his drinking more. Does anyone have any scientific data or studies that discuss the stages, changes of alchoholism?

I think the two main ways I am enabling him are with money, which I am working on, but honestly he finds other ways to fund his habit. Such as, I told him that we only had $50 for fun money over the next week, well he was able to come up with $175 from another source and bought a 12 pack last night. Also, I am sure my drinking and partying with him are enablers too, I enjoy most of the activities as well though and would miss his company if I didn't. So, instead of him feeling any pain (he'd be out at the bar and would be much less bothered by me not being there than I would be bothered by his absence while sitting at home) I'm the one getting the bad end of the deal. Is that my responsibility? This also feels counterintuitive to what I really want, to create a team.

I will not leave my husband over this problem he has. I knew he had this disease when I married him and want to stick by his side, unless any type of abuse begins to occur. I am looking for tips and tools to be the best wife of an alchoholic that I can be. My husband knows he has a problem drinking as well and the best thing I know to do at this point is to not enable and to try to educate him and myself on alchoholism and the consequences that can happen.

Thank you to all who have and do respond!

denny57

Hi Misplaced. I hope I did not give the impression you should leave. That is a decision only you can make. I shared my experience with the progression of the disease and what happened to my marriage since AH does not want to recover at this point.

There's that old saying that there is no "I" in team. I can't create a team if the other player(s) aren't interested.

My impression from your post is that right now you'd like what I wanted at the beginning - everything according to my dreams and expectations. It was a long process for me to accept the reality of what I had, not the hope of what I longed for.

Keep educating yourself and please keep posting. There are many options out there, only one of which is leaving. Good luck!

elizabeth1979

I agree with Denny.

I dont think the general attitude of responders was to leave him. In fact, I dont think one person suggested that to you.
I can attest to the fact that the things mentioned by ASpouse do happen and I could have said the same thing, as many others here as well.

I think the point I was trying to make is -eyes wide open. Reality, not fantasy. You can not change him, you can only change yourself.

Do you want to change or are you ok with the way you feel, operate, live?

Its a tough place to be, I understand..everyone is here to offer support and experience as we have been where you are.

I do have a question for you though

What would free regin be to him? What obstacles are there that get in the way of him not getting his choice for that sort of drinking?

Jazzman

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisplacedAustin

The replies on here are quite disheartening. Basically what I hear all of you saying, is though you are happy with your husband, you should leave him because he will only get worse. Am I incorrect?

Yes, sort of. The reason the replies are less than encouraging is because there are very few success stories to share for folks like us. I think most people are sharing their experience in an attempt to give you a realistic picture of what you are facing here.

Most people that come here ask for advice on how to fix their loved one's drinking problem. Most people realize in time that it's not our problem to fix even if we could. And yes there are things you can do to get educated about the disease and the effects on the family members. This is also a very long process for most people and doesn't get analyzed and repaired in a time frame that is measured in weeks, or months, or even years for that matter.

Welcome to SR and the beginning of getting answers. Here's a great post that I try to share with new people joining:

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=89886

ASpouse

Then find an Al Anon meeting and attend it. This is the place to find tips and tools for dealing with an alcoholic.

You cannot educate him, you are not that powerful and that is enabling behavior and controlling. You can only educate yourself. For him to educate himself he'd have to first stop drinking, attend AA and find a sponsor. I'm sorry, you can't help him and no matter how you want to word or explain your situation, that is the bottom line.

You also do not have to stop drinking or not drink in front of him if he is in recovery. He will be taught that the problem is his alone, not anyone elses. He can choose to be around people who drink (you and others) or he can choose not to be around those people. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I met a woman in AA who like you had her glass of wine a night (2 to be exact) and a few beers and after awhile she couldn't function without it. She was an alcoholic. It's not the quanity of alcohol a person drinks that determines if they are addicted, it's how their drinking affects their lives and the lives of others.

"edited to remove something that was not helpful to anyone!"

Missy

Everyone has their own "stuff" but the results and progression of this disease are all the same. We are all suffering alike. Some of us lucky enough to say that we have been there and newbies who are just in the rut of things.
That is what brings me the help I need.
Dont take anything personally.. I too read responses what I dont want to hear but read them again openminded and they may just be for your own good.
If you want to hear what you want to hear.... go to a neighbor or friend. Here on this forum are real lives real good and bad situations.
So welcome and dont leave. Suck it up and move on here ok?
we do love you
Karen

elizabeth1979

Karen, you are growing my friend... )

ASpouse

It's not a possibility misplacedaustin .... it's a definite. It may take 10 years, 20 or 30 or 40, but all of those things will happen.

Also, if he is drinking for the length of time and amounts you say every single day, he is basically drunk around the clock ...... he is never sober. He has alcohol in his system and bloodsteam 24/7. He is probably becoming mean and angry when the alcohol is leaving his system (detoxing temporarily), not when he is drinking. That is what I meant by that statement. The booze is making him personable and "Mr. Wonderful" ... it's without the booze he is becoming unreasonable and unwieldy.