deax

OK- those of you who remember my story with my bf, here's an update. Help....

I told him I didn't want to talk to him, vaguely mentioned it being for a year even though I didn't say it the right way, on June 27th. The next time he called was 2 weeks, later, July 11, but I didn't answer and he didn't leave a voice mail. Then, that was it.

I"ve been trying not to worry, not to obsess, not to miss him so much, keep the focus on me, etc. But I did find it curious that he wasn't calling at all. Never thought he'd harass me or leave nasty messages; he's never treated me that way. But I thought he'd try to get in contact. But I let it go and tried not to wonder/worry whether he was drinking/drugging, or trying to get clean to win me back.

Well, HE JUST CALLED! My phone at work has been ringing off the hook today so, probably for the first time, I didn't expect it to be him. And he said, "Hey!" and he actually sounded kind of... I dunnno, happy.

My stomach just dropped when I heard his voice. Long story short, he told me he was on a payphone and didn't have a lot of time. He said after I first told him I didn't want to speak to him for a while, he went downward-- he said, "I had a big problem.... " and I questioned whether he was talking about drugs, he said yes, said it was coke. I asked him if he was doing drugs our whole relationship and he said, "Not all the time- sometimes. But it was just a matter of time before I started smoking it again, and I can't do that...."

So after he spiraled downward he apparently checked himself into a detox/hospital... They didn't want to let him leave but they did on the following conditions:
-36 sessions of group counseling, 3x per week, 3 hours per session
-urine test every Monday

The he told me how much he misses me, how I was the only good thing he had in his life and how he neds to stop lying before he loses everything. I didn't know what to say so he was like, "I miss the hell out of you- do you miss me?" And I said "Yes but I've been doing some stuff for myself too" and I told him about Al-Anon and therapy and how I'm trying to detach from him and the outcome and how I was trying to control his life for the past year and I had no right to do that, etc.

So then he said, "Listen I'm on a payphone and don't have any more money on me, this is gonna cut off... Can I call you on Friday when they turn my phone back on?" And I was like, "I don't know!!!" What do I do?

SO I told him I'd need to think about it, to call me on Friday and we'll see what happens. Then I said it was good to hear from you and I'm glad you're doing well... and we hung up.

It was so f'n awkward.I'm freaking out a little bit, here. I do feel proud of him for going, but I know it's too soon to trust anything and I know I shoulnd't go back to talking to him often because I still don't think I even REMOTELY mastered this detachment thing. Plus he was lying to me the whole time- he had said there was ONE coke binge while we were together and today he said "sometimes", so had been lying about that. But yet I do feel happy that he called, and that he did this...

The next time I talk to him on Friday, I want to be CLEAR in what I say, so that I can stick to it (and know exactly what I'm sticking to!). I need you guys' advice on what that should be.
-should I talk thim next in three months after his 36 sessions detox pgm is up?
-should i not talk to him til after the year of sobriety, still?
-WTF else do I say??

I need advice

ASpouse

Sigh ...... damn he is good. Don't take the bait or don't dance this dance, sit it out. DO NOT TAKE THIS BAIT! You are going to believe the word of someone actively using drugs and drinking?

deax

What do you mean, you think he is lying about going into the detox place at all?

pmaslan

If you continue working your program and detaching....
do you really think you will WANT to talk to him 3 months
after his 36 sessions are up or even after a year of sobriety?
Hopefully, after all of that time and effort invested in yourself
you won't even be asking anyone this question...it will be clear
to you......

eire rose

Hi Deax,

I have read you story when you posted before and reminds me so much of the situation I had with my exabf, I have a lump in my throat and butterflies thinking about it.

Be careful, keep the focus on you, he is not going anywhere, my ex tried to rope me in with out-patient etc.. he was relapsing every other week, and I didn't know half of what was going on and what he was using.

If he is serious about recovery he needs space to do that, you need space to recover also, neither of you are going anywhere, so don't jump into seeing each other before there is any actual recovery.

My therapist always said why give him rewards without working and I never quite got how important it was to stay away and let him prove that he is in recovery, I thought a strong intention was the same thing.

Why don't you tell him to call you when he has six months clean and sober, be friends for another six months and when he has one year have a date?

I have broke up with my exabf one year ago and its really not that long. He is still active by the way, and thankfully I am not picking up the pieces anymore, a year has given me my sanity back, somewhat.

Love him enough to let him have his recovery and love yourself enough to have yours.

Love, Rose

denny57

deax, I haven't had this happen (yet LOL) but I've given it some thought, with help from program, my therapist and our doctor. I can honestly say if I got the same phone call today from AH (which would have to happen by him using a # I didn't screen) I would say see you when you're sober. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I've done too much damn work on myself this last year to see it go down the drain by being sucked back into someone else's drama.

I'd suggest sitting this out, as Aspouse recommends. Keep working on yourself.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

LaTeeDa

This sounds really fishy to me. These don't seem like conditions for someone who voluntarily went to rehab. It actually sounds more like terms of probation for someone who narrowly escaped going to jail.

Hard to say what the real story is here, but my gut tells me he is still lying to you.

JMO,

L

ASpouse

Well, I definitely think he is being less than truthful. Did he tell you where he went, how he got to go there, who his doctor was etc.? I'm not telling you find out, I'm asking if he volunteered the information.

So yea, I think he is lying if he is actively using and drinking. Absolutely 100%.

The other thing that strikes out at me here, is you told him not to contact you for a year? So what does he do? He contacts you. Does he care so little for what you want and need to just ignore it? Just something to think about.

Jazzman

Hate when that happens. You got some good advice above so I'll only add...
No doubt a good long term "no contact" boundary would be my advice. If he really is working a program, his sponsor would be telling him to work on himself alone, just like your sponsor would be telling you if you were in a program.

Cynay

Have to agree with the above....... sorry hon.

I know how GREAT it feels to hear those words... I use to live for them.

But again, they are just words, thats all. He has not had time to show you action and you do not/should not be part of his recovery. If he is going to work a program and even counceling they will tell him no major changes for one year.... SO what is the rush, if its real he will be there in a year.

I really like Eire view on it.

deax

If he was truly sober (not that that's likely)... yes. His addictions, or the behaviors that resulted from them, were really the only problem we had...


eire rose: I appreciate your post, it makes sense to me. I was thinking along the same lines. I didn't know if it was bad that I originally said a year before any contact, and then now I would change it to him being allowed to call me after six mos...but like what happened to you- how would I even know if he was truly sober anyway? And since he lives so far away it would be easy for him to lie to me again, if he wanted to... But I like the way you phrased everything, I may use it! "Love him enough to let him have his recovery and love yourself enough to have yours."---> I agree and you're right we're not going anywhere and I am scared to talk to him even on the phone too soon for fear of ruining whatever progress I have made, like denny said!

That's what my coworker just said, but I dunno anything about how mandatory-or-jail prograqms work, if anyone else does please let me know... I know he has Medicare, whatever insurance "poor" people get (he works off the books) so if he wan't lying maybe he could have checked himself in through them and then they wanted to keep him?? I have no idea....

Well we werent on the phone long and he didn't tell me the name of the hospital but I didn't ask. He said he checked himself in, stayed for whatever amount of time (I forgot what he said) and then the conditions of his leaving as stated above... The only question I asked him was which drug he was doing and if he ever cheated on me or if it's even possible if he doesn't remember a night or whatever (cuz I freak out about diseases all the time). And I have no idea if he's still actively using, if he really just came out of this place then I'd think not, at least not yet today....

Thank you to everyone for your help.... I think eire's no phonecall for 6 mos is a good start... yes?? I feel very overwhelmed again.

I'm going to talk to him on Friday to explain my "plan".... so I just want to make a good one so I can say it right.

atalose

I agree with the above, I would be very leary of his voluntary rehab. When exactly did you leave him, how long has that been.
I know with my situation, he went into a rehab for 28 days, then a step down in-patient for 14 days and is now doing the 4 nights a week therapy for 3 hours a night. I had no contact with him for almost 10 weeks. Even now we are only talking on the phone and have gotten together only a couple of times. I am willing to attend family night therapy with him as he has suggested, so we might possible work on our relationship. But he is committed to his own recovery first, as he has said, without my abstinence I know there is no "we". I would explain to him that you need time for you and time to see his actions in his own recovery before you could committ to him in any way at this time. Maybe suggest talking once every few weeks to see what's going on. Or if you have only invested a year in this relationship maybe it's not worth investing any more, that's something you need to figure out for yourself. And take your time with that decision, there is no need to rush and you must not let him rush you into anything. Keep posting, keep venting and take your time.

ASpouse

Oh my, I hate to say this and I say with the kindest of intents ..... most people who go through the motions of detoxing, when are released they go straight to their dealer. So it's not out of the question he was high .... he probably went to see those folks before he even called you, just a guess on my part.

Why? Why do you have to explain your "plan" to him? Here's another monkey wrench for you to think about. S'pose he doesn't call you on Friday, will you call him? Especially now that you have a 'new' plan?

deax

Thank you- that is the part I need to figure out and it's very confusing. I think continued no-cntact by phone or in person (he lives 3 hours away) for a while yet would still be best for ME personally, I'm glad I have some time to think about this more before I talk to him. I'm wavering between checking in once a month or so or just sticking to the no talking at all for 6 months... I think the second feels more right to me.

Definitely possible and it's not like the **** tests are hard to fake... right? I really dont know about that stuff.

I know what you're getting at and I understand, but if I know him at all, I feel pretty certain that he will call on Friday, or whenever his cell is turned back on. If he doesn't, no I will definitely not call him, but I will know for sure that he will call again at some point soon. As far as explaining my plan, it's for two reasons. First, I can't be that mean to just not answer the phone now that we've had this conversation, and on top of that, it would just feel like unfinished business. If I'm going to continue not talking to him for some amount of time, then I want to be able to state it- clearly and in no uncertain terms, which I didn't feel like I did well enough last time. I want to state a time frame specifically for the NC and the conditions for us if we get back in touch after that period is up, so that even I know what it is I'm sticking to, what my boundary is. That's ok, right?? I think it will help me feel more secure in my decision and, I know you're not going to like this, but I think he deserves that much.

Minx1969

[\quote] First, I can't be that mean to just not answer the phone now that we've had this conversation, and on top of that, it would just feel like unfinished business. If I'm going to continue not talking to him for some amount of time, then I want to be able to state it- clearly and in no uncertain terms, which I didn't feel like I did well enough last time. I want to state a time frame specifically for the NC and the conditions for us if we get back in touch after that period is up, so that even I know what it is I'm sticking to, what my boundary is. That's ok, right?? I think it will help me feel more secure in my decision and, I know you're not going to like this, but I think he deserves that much.[/quote]

Look..you do not need to talk to him again..You don't need to "explain" yourself any better then you did the first time..

It's self-love for you not to talk to him.

Have you found a sponsor yet?

He's got you hooked in and spinning....As Judy said - he's good!!!

only you can unhook..

I guarantee if you don't talk to him for 6 months and you keep going to Alanon and some open AA meetings, all of this will be as clear as day as it is to the rest of us..

ASpouse

Thank you Minx and yes, it is possible to fake a pee test! Someone my husband worked with was on mandatory pee tests and he would use someone elses urine all the time. (Pretty gross actually, but not unusual).

They surprised him last week since he was at a clinic and told him to take one then, he did and he failed.

You put a boundary in place deax, no contact. He broke it and you never answered my question ..... doesn't it bother you that he did not respect your boundary of no contact for one year (or whatever it was) and basically seemed to have forgotten all about it? Not even a little bit you don't think this is a violation of your words, of your boundary?

pmaslan

I thought the same thing Judy...but kind of think Deax is really
caught up in the simple fact that he called period that not
much else matters right now...BTDT

ASpouse

OK, I'll let it drop for now. I believe I made my point. Yep, I remember that too Patty. It gets old after awhile and eventually you get to a point when you hate when they call.

pmaslan

I am one girl who will not take those calls again....
my point earlier in this post...
after a good amount of time in recovery I no longer
NEED to hear from him...I have moved on.

minnie

What you say on Friday depends on what you want to happen in your life. What do you want?