Minx1969

in a short time Deax...

I just want to thank you for your ESH and for showing the newbies how recovery happens..

You are such a great example of what happens when you start to put the focus on you!!

You sound so much better and I'm proud of you girl...

Much love,

your sister in recovery - Minx

deax

Wow, thanks for saying that Minx. I appreciate you and all the help, insight and techniques you've shared with me right from my first frantic post, more than you probably know.

giz

Deax,

Thank you for your kindred words.

I have always felt this instant sense of awe when I read something written by someone else but it's about me. Many people experience this when they read a horoscope. I think that seriously considering something that "clicks" will bring that person further than any words someone can say. It's a part of accepting.

I am so very glad to read you are doing better Deax.

I did not think of myself as being abused until weeks after leaving. The more I read about how abusers behave, the ploys they use and how victims behave & feel, I finally could see it was extremely similar to what I'd been going through.

The best thing now is the recovery. I am going to make myself golden with wisdom and love for self. Once I do this and am financially, emotionally and situationally stable, I will have such a good regard for myself I will not even consider dating or seeing someone who would hurt me. I will end anything my gut warns me about!

Minx, you rock! I always love your posts.

deax

God I am so stupid. Every time he calls and I get away from him and tell myself that I will just hang up on him the next time, I don't!!!

This time I thought he was my dad, I couldn't hear him at first. But it was Richie. Now he had a friggin pimple on his leg, he sterilized a needle himself and dug into it (idiot!) and now, supposedly, he has a football-sized infection. So he's at the hospital, they did a sonogram and he's waiting to find out if he needs surgery. Surgery has always been one of his biggest fears, he's terrified of anesthesia, so he said "I know you don't want to talk to me but I had no one else to call, I'm so scared" and he's cryingand crying. He said "I still care about you" and then, in the middle of his panic, he asked how I was doing.

Maybe I'm a sap but I couldn't hang up on him. I wasn't nice to him and I didn't answer his ?s or anything btu I stayed on the phone. I said what do you want me to do for you? He said nothing I just needed to talk to you cuz I'm scared, etc. He asked if he could call me later to tell me what the doc said about if he needed surgery, I didn't answer...

So now I don't know if he is calling back or not. It's always this situation where when I don't hang up immediately, he tells me some news that makes it harder not to take the 2nd call. This is my own fault and I'm upset with myself.

This is the first situation since no contact began where I have to stop myself from RESCUING- that's never been an issue in the previous calls. He's good because he knew this would get me, I never thought he'd be mean to be thru this NC but he does prey on my soft side even if this is a real situation...

What I want to say if he does call back is-
1. If you ARE in a program of recovery you should have ppl to call who wil be there for you. And your sister is a nurse.
2. Stop calling me, I will hang up on you in the future and I will add 3 months to the NC if you call me again.
3. If you are NOT working a program of recovery then I don't want to hear from you even in a year from now anyway.
4. This no contact thing means we don't have e/o anymore in the good or the bad... I know you're scared and hope you'll be ok but I cannot go through this situation with you.

I did this one to myself, and just because I'm feeling stronger, clearly my actions with him still need some work. I do feel sorry for him because I know he's scared but I can't put my guard down now.....

Just another update. This is never going to ******* end unless I do something drastic like change my # but I don't want to cut him out of my life completely and forever, I just want this time and I want him to understand the position I'm in somehow... I don't know...

DesertEyes

Hey there deax,

I don't think that was a stupid thing to do. I think you're just in a lot of pain and not thinking clearly.

[/QUOTE]... Just another update. This is never going to ******* end unless I do something drastic like change my # but I don't want to cut him out of my life completely and forever, I just want this time and I want him to understand the position I'm in somehow... I don't know...[/QUOTE]

Here's a few ideas that work for me, see what you think of 'em

- I didn't cut my ex out of my life forever. I just cut her out of my life _today_. Just for today cuz I was not well enough in the head to deal with her drama. Maybe tomorrow I'll answer her calls, not today.

- As far as my ex understanding my position, yeah that would be cool if she did, cuz then maybe she'd apologize and maybe we could get together again and start the merry-go-round all over again. That's just my sick "co-dependent" brain thinking. I'll just not worry about her understanding my position today, I'll put that off until tomorrow also.

- Whenever I get an urge to do something foolish, like call my ex, I call my sponsor first. Then we go to a meeting, or go out to dinner, or something. Then the stupid urge passes, I feel better, and I can put it off until tomorrow.

Whadya think?

Mike

deax

Thanks Mike I don’t want him to understand my position so that everything will be better, it's that I want him to understand that if he cares about me he’ll leave me alone long enough to do this hard thing I need to do- which is stay away from him for a while! That’s still so codie, he’ll never understand and I shouldn’t need him to... it's like I want his "permission" to get over him or take care of me or something, which is so illogical but everything always ends up feeling so unfinished when this happens. And the next call is again a lingering possibility… and now I’ll be the superbitch if I don’t call him too see if hes getting surgery. I can’t ******* win no matter what I do. I wanna call him and tell him to just STOP but I struggle with, "I care about you but no I won't be there when you really need someone." I don’t have a sponsor to call, I never got a sponsor officially.

DesertEyes

I think you _can_ win.

My ex has a serious disability. She needs major surgery about once a year. I used to take a couple months off work to help her recover. I don't know who's there for her now when she needs someone. I do know that the _reason_ it's not me looking after her is the result of _her_ choice. I do care about her and I _would_ be there when she needs someone _if_ she were willing to get her own addiction taken care of. There's no point in me trying to help her if she's going to start the old BS all over again.

I think you can win if you take care of _you_ and give him the dignity to make his own decisions in life.

Well you know what I'm going to say about that Now would be a good time to get one. <hint, hint>

Mike

Zoey

Please do get a sponsor! SR is extra good, I am so glad you are here, and venting helps very much, but another human is needed.
Keep us posted.



.

giz

Deax, I like #1, 3 and 4 a lot! I can see my xabf using sympathy as a last resort. Don't put yourself down for not handling it exactly like you'd imagined. you did great! The important thing is not to devote/waste your energy on them.

What is "have e/o anymore"?


giz

deax

Oh that's just "have each other anymore".... I type so fast when I'm in a frenzy, I just abbreviate everything.

I decided not to call him, and I'm still struggling with it. But I had dinner with my good friend and then therapy afterward last night so I had a lot of time to think things through....

I decided, even though something about this decision not to call him when he's scared doesn't sit right with me, he still isn't taking me seriously or being respectful of what I told him I needed and wanted right now. My not calling him back now, and my not acknowledging his birthday next week will, I believe, send a clearer message than any words I can say. Because I've said so many words to him, all of which got me nowhere. Even though our last conversation wasn't perfect and I didn't say a lot of what I wanted to (again), I felt contented that it went well and he understood me. No need to backtrack now.

Oh and I realized last night before bed as I was putting this newest update in my journal that the last time he called me was not Aug 3-- it was Aug 30. We didn't even get as much time apart as I thought we did!

Also, he could have called me after the doctor came back and when he knew for sure if he needed surgery. I DID feel something manipulative in him saying, "Can I call you later to tell you what the doctor said?" **** you, no, I thought; it'd have been different if he called with that information.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself that he said, "Alright well you don't wanna talk to me so I'll go" and I just said, "OK bye." I didn't try to explain or stall for time or anything, and I'm proud of that.

So I'm uncomforatable but I THINK I'm doing the right thing. He knows how much of a softie I am and this is his way of seeing if I still care about him and if the sympathy thing will get him what he wants.

If anyone thinks I'm being too hard under the circumstances, please let me know what you think, or some other way I shoud handle this. I'm always afraid I'll regret my actions later, in case he really is very sick or very scared.

But if this is my first chance in the NC to really NOT act, to not rescue or respond, and to do something that might actually make him start to take this more seriously, I don't wanna **** it up....!

Thanks all for listening, everyone. We'll see what he does next.

Cynay

Hey there... this is only something I picked up on .... and only my opinion.

Make Him?????? This should not be about him at all. Not about his growth, health... nothing. The way I see it is that his actions lead up to this place you are both at..... because of what happened you have become sick, therefore this time your asking for is to become healthy.... Nothing to do with him at all.

To me being uncomfortable is a GOOD thing, Your Codependant... that means that what you have done in the past and were comfortable with is unhealthy for you..... SO .. if your uncomfortable then your making progress....

How on earth would you regret your actions later.... you are taking care of you! How about thinking about it like this.... I know he is probably sick and very scared but I will not take action or have contact with him because Im afraid I will regret not taking care of ME later. If your not healthy how can you help someone else? Dont do for him what he can do for himself.

Just my thoughts ..... BTW I think your doing Great! Just wanted to point that out.

deax

I know but you know what I'm getting at, right Cynay? I know I've made some progress and am SO grateful to so many different forces for helping me do the little bit I have so far, but I won't BS either-- there still is a part of me that thinks that if there is potential, like people say there is, in the A hitting bottom when they start losing people and things get worse and worse, etc., then I would like to hurry up and get him to the point where he realizes that he's not going to wiggle his way out of this one with me.

Whether I ever get back together with him or not, and I'm having increasing trouble envisioning that, I still hold out hope for him to choose to make his life better.

I know this isn't the right way to think, and believe it or not I really am my own first priority in not calling him back, but I won't pretend these thoughts aren't there at all anymore. I'm stil working through them.

But I hear you loud and clear, Cynay, and am trying to always be very mindful of my bad thinking so I can take the right actions at least.

denny57

You won't have anything to do with it, he will do it on his own, when and if he wants to. I learned to not do anything with anyone else's recovery, etc. in mind. What I do, I do for me.

Keep working it!