elizabeth1979

Just me, but I wouldnt say anyting about what you think he needs to do for himself or the man in the moon. Keep it about you and what you are doing for you.

Jazzman

Use this opportunity put in place a plan for you, wish him well, enough said!

I dated my ex years ago, a couple rounds TBH. A year apart, then two, then 14 years apart. Will we ever date again? Who knows? But now I can also say... who cares! What-evah!

deax

Quick update- he never called on Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday.

Assuming he's ok, I'm guessing he didn't get his phone turned back on yet. But in any case, he was unreliable and let me down again. He found a payphone when he got out of detox, I know he could have found one again if he wanted to. I was surprised though... usually when he's on my bad side he kisses ass and does everything right.

On the up-side though, I'm ok with it. I'm annoyed, but not depressed or sick with worry. I kept busy all weekend too, went to meetings on Friday night, a party in Brooklyn on Saturday, shopping & dinner yesterday, so I didn't sit around waiting. And I'm fully prepared for when he does call now. It was sort of a blessing because when I heard his voice again on Wed I was getting a little nostalgic; now I just feel burnt out again. Like, you just put on the detox show and you already ****ed up?!

I get fleeting moments where I wonder if he's alive and ok, etc. but I try and push those thoughts away. I'm sure he'll have a fantastic story. But I'm ready and won't even mention that he was supposed to call or any of that... None of it really matters right now.

ASpouse

Haha ....... or he was too busy getting drunk and high!!!!

deax

I'm not denying that. Believe me. But historically he still manages to get his phonecalls in when he's in a tight spot.

elizabeth1979

He must not care if hes on your bad side. Maybe he found another way to get his needs met....

This is why no contact is good...we get all worked up, stressed out, obsessed, and all for what?

pmaslan

Days and days of drama for absolutely nothing......
I think you got your answer and now he will have his....
that's if you don't pick up the phone the next time he
gets in a jamb and needs a soft landing....No Contact
I can't say that enough....

minnie

I hope not. After all, it's not part of the sentence "I don't wish to speak with you. Bye."

denny57

deax, I hope you don't spend too much time thinking about this anymore. It keeps the focus on him. BTDT (((deax)))

Minx1969

Here's the thing Deax...We really don't know them..we don't know how their mind works... Don't give him too much more thought..keep on with your recovery and don't pick up the phone.. You can decided how much pain you want to be in.. I guarantee because I've BTDT that if you do talk to him - you'll feel worse then you do today.

deax

Yep, I'm going to try and go with Minnie's method if he calls my work phone: Short and to the point. But I keep thinking about recovery's post and feeling like I should 'warn' him briefly about this fentanyl (sp?) situation with the coke... that's pointless at this point, right, given where we're at? It's not like I could probably tell him anything he doesn't already know. For some reason I feel like I need to tell him that if he ever ODs (God forbid) I won't feel responsible for it. I dunno what the hell is wrong with me that I feel that way, I know how stupid it is.

Minx1969

Yup.. Step 1: we are powerless over alcohol (and people, places and things).. Remember the 3 C's Deax: you can't control it, you can't cure it and you didn't cause it.. I know Deax - how hard it is to walk away from people we love.. but trust me..you don't want to see his self-descruction... I think I've posted this before but I've had ALOT of losses due to this disease... My brother killed himself and numerous ex boyfriends are still drinking, smoking and drugging many many years later... Only think I can do is focus on me and make my life better... it's a hard hard thing to do..

deax

I know, you have been through a lot and since my first day here I have valued your advice so much also because we seemed to have alot in common (or I do with the 'old' you). I guess I won't bother mentioning this then... It's just that that thing he said on Wed, how he went so downhill after our last conversation last month... maybe it's a manipulation on his part, but if addicts are medicating what hurts, it's easy to fall into that guilt trap which is why I'm trying to free myself of it in advance, before the unthinkable happens, which I hope never does... or something like that... I'm sure you understand what I mean... Thanks, Minx.

Minx1969

yeah..he's manipulating you..but that's ok..at least you are seeing it..

I know it sucks to think about the worst happening to him..

But I can tell you ...no matter what..You will be ok..

The pain sucks sometimes, but in the end, you will be ok..

LaTeeDa

You are NOT responsible for anything he does or does not do. This is something I struggled with as well. I have learned over the last year that my taking responsibility, not trusting my husband with his own choices, treating him like a child, etc. all contributed to his problem. Yes, that's right, all the "helping" I thought I was doing actually made it worse.

The kindest, most loving thing you can do for him is get out of the way. He may not find recovery after you let go, but it is guaranteed that he won't as long as he has you to cushion his fall. No contact.

L

Jazzman

Addicts are maintaining their addiction period. Any old excuse du-jor to throw in there is to relieve THEIR guilt.

You are not responsible for any hurt he would be medicating. You're giving yourself WAY too much credit here.

sunshinebluesky

to think my ex was just a beer drinker....................if i had to deal with multiple addictions,relapses,breakups,makeups....,......whe wwwwww! wears me out just thinkin about it.
since he didnt even call you............i say dont say NOTHIN. and if ya answer at work not knowing its hiim,i'd be sayin,as soon as he said hello-- stick a fork in me,im DONE,while politely putting the phone down
sweetie,there is no one like me who holds the dreams of people changing, giving people a chance,feeling love that hurts and is confusing,who would like to stand by people...................but,he had his chances,and that call he missed,should be his last chance he missed for you in his life in any way......................you deserve more.

deax

Yeah I know... I'm tired. I also know he'll have a good story when he does call and still think his phone might not have been turned on yet since he shouldn't have any money if he wasn't working... My friend even asked me, if he hasn't been working could he have said NEXT Friday? But I think I would have heard that. In whatever case, it just doesn't matter anymore. I'm thankful in a weird way this happened because it solidified in my head that I'm doing the right thing. And even though I'm still thinking/talking about him, I'm actually sort of surprised at myself that this didn't completely throw me. You know? I'm not THAT emotional about it-- which is such a change of pace for me. So at least I'm over that initial separation anxiety I felt, the getting used to not talking to him daily, which is kind of a relief consdiering where I started... Thanks, sunshine.

pmaslan

Good to hear Deax....now I hope you can get on with living....
your life that is.....

deax

And as usual with him, I should have known to expect nothing but the unexpected. I had my whole script ready but didn't even get a chance to use it. I didn't do as well as I wanted, but the conversation basically went like this-

He called my work line. He called to say he's sorry he didn't call when he said he would on Friday. He knows I was expecting him to and he "can only imagine what's running through my head" but he didn't call on Fri because he was advised not to, to leave things alone for a while. I asked him why he was calling now then (at least I've gotten smart enough to even think to ask that question!); he couldn't really answer that but said he wanted to apologize. He was making calls anyway to tell his sister he's going back into the hospital- now there's something wrong with his arm, it's swollen and he can't move it.

Then he said he has been going to that pshychiatrist (not affiliated with the detox place) who put him on Zoloft. Is that odd?? She's been "doing wonders" for him, he said, and he's also going to the counseling sessions where he shared a lot last night. Which led to...

He loves me, and he meant it every time he said it. But he never showed me in the right ways because he doesn't love himself. Sounds trite but to him it seemed like it was a big revelation, which I don't know why because I myself had said that to him before.

I was scrambling to think of what to say in my "final opportunity." As always I'm not totally satisfied, but this was it. When he said he could imagine what was running through my head I just said, "I've been trying not to let much of anything run through my head as far as you go..." He then said, "Alright, I'm sorry I called then." (That was kind of a smartass moment.) So I said, "what I mean is that I still need this year, I still feel the same, and I've been advised that this is best for me, it's what I need to do for myself, it's not about you and your issues or me being a mean hardass. It's just what I need."

He said he understands that completely. He said he needs to straighten his life out and he is. I said I need to get my head together too. And then he kept saying "Alright" like trying to get off the phone, and I was actually more the one trying to remember what else I needed to say, but nothing seemed to fit into this conversation. So I just left it alone.

I said I loved him and hope everything worked out for the best for him. He said, "Right back at you, I love you too."

Then he said, "My phone is turned back on now." I said, "Did you not hear a word I said? I won't be calling you." He just said, "I know, alright, so I'll talk to you whenever then."

That was pretty much it and we hung up.... I know I didn't do great, but it didn't go the way I thought it would. Should I not have said I love you? I dunno, I was trying so hard not to say or leave out anything so I could have no regrets..... but that's never the case.

This did not go the way I wanted, I didn't relieve myself of anything or get anything off my chest. I didn't even say, "If you call me I will hang up on you." AND I WISH I HAD, I know I still feel like I wanted to warn him what he can expect. Because he'll call again eventually. And then I have to do the right thing.

I don't have to feel that way, right?

That was all. I'm ok with it, I guess, just wish I'd handled it better.