deax

Minx- I know Judy is right. He IS good. But as I've always said- I was so vague and unclear the first time I said this year thing and that was because I was saying and doing something I didn't feel ready for, but I was listening to other people who were trying to guide me. So I still intend not to talk to him after Friday, once I get the opportunity to phrase what I want to say clearly. But I'm going to keep going to meetings. I don't have a sponsor, no one ever mentioned it to me, they told me I have time...

Judy- no, it doesn't bother me THAT much that he violated that boundary because it's proven that he never took my word seriously before all the other times I broke up with him because he always got me back, so why would he have all of a sudden started taking me seriously this time? This is what they do, right? He thought this detox thing would be enough to get me happy, to forgive what he had done in the past, and this is him giving it a shot. I knew something like this was coming... But I guarantee he won't win! I know what he's doing and Friday's conversation will be 5 mins long, I will say my piece, and that will be it for 6 mos. No matter what catastrophy befalls him during that time...

My problem is my work phone, there is no caller ID.

pmaslan- if he had called and there wasn't this detox thing, I wouldn't have agreed to talk to him again... this just thre me off guard, I guess, and I need to make clear that this isn't a quick fix.

The bottom line you are all trying to tell me is that he's already gotten me to re-engage. And that's bad. But really, I don't feel any differently, I know what I have to do and intend to do it, I just want to do it in a way that I feel comfortable with my actions and therefore really let go of him for the next months.

Jazzman

Don't deel bad deax, I was engaged just by seeing her number on the caller id! LOL!!

It does get better, just be smart.

ASpouse

deax, one last thing from me and I'll stay out of this.

How many times are you going to give him to take you seriously? I can't even take you seriously, because once again you are not following through with your own boundary, a boundary you set up. You are validating it by saying "I just didn't think I was clear" .... I mean how can you not be clear saying "Don't call me for a year". I mean that isn't difficult to understand is it? What didn't you make clear.

deax, regardless of what you think, your boundary was clear, there is no reason to speak to him again unless you WANT to. If you WANT to speak him again, then just say so. Don't manipulate it to us under the guise of "making my boundary clear". It is clear. We've all played the game, we've all danced the dance, we all understand. What is frustrating to me is reading your manipulation here to us.

minnie

Don't forget, you can't set a boundary and simultaneously save someone else's feelings.

deax

I'm sorry you feel that way, Judy. I don't feel like I'm trying to manipulate anyone. I'm just doing it the way that feels right for me.

deax

Am I crazy to think this conversation on Friday will do ME more good than it does him? Because that's how I feel about it... this is for me, to help me do it right. I feel like this might be the real beginning of the no contact, because I knew with the way our last conversation went that something like this was coming, and this time on Friday I'll be ready to really say what I mean, and then do what I say.

ASpouse

OK, that's fair. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

Usually recovery is not something that feels right for us, it's a very uncomfortable, very unnatural feeling. It's when that discomfort starts to feel comfortable that we know we are on the road to recovery. Recovery is thinking out of the box, recovery is loving ourselves more than others, recovery is taking care of ourselves first then the rest our lives follow.

pmaslan

Deax said:
I need advice.


Ok if it feels right...what advice are you specifically looking
for from this forum?

minnie

I think that's great, Deax. If you need be clear in your own mind AND communicate that to him in order to move on, then that's what you should do.

Let us know what happens, yes?

deax

Right before the one line you copied from my post
So I guess I was trying to get guidance about how to best express myself, not whether I should take the call or not. I know that'sa touchy situation but it's what I've chosen and I believe it's for me. If you all find that I post that I've talked to him again after Friday for any reason, then please come find me and kick my ass because I'll deserve it.

I don't believe he's committed to this, I don't have any high hopes, they probably told him not to even call me and he did the second he got out-- I know that he knows what he's doing here and hope I haven't made it seem otherwise. I'm not completely delusional.

I'm so glad someone understands this part! That's all I'm getting at, I think it will help me do this well and with no regrets... Thanks, minnie, I will definitely post about how it goes. And I'm going to prepare for it so I don't have to wing very much and so it takes 5 minutes. I'm nervous about it but this is good.

atalose

You keep doing what feels right for YOU. Listen to your instints and gut, always go with that. Keep putting you first.....

pmaslan

With all that new found clarity you should do great...
good luck with that call on Friday.

denny57

deax, in the end you will do what is right for you at this time - that's how it works. no matter the outcome.

part of growth, maturity and recovery is being able to hear all views but still make the right choice for myself. i'm typing that as much to remind myself as to share with you.

let us know how it goes.

deax

Thank you for this, denny. It's no coincidence that this idea is also extremely closely related to what I'm dealing with in therapy right now, being self-contained, needing validation from 2 specific people in my life, etc. It's amazing and scary how interconected everything is.

pmaslan

Denny's right ....you will do what is right for you when that phone rings
LOL Did you ever practice in the mirror saying what you wanted to
say to someone..... only to find it all come out different when the time came.
I keep the principal in mind but don't get hung up anymore on the style of delivery...

ICU

I understand the turmoil you are in...btdt! I just hate it when they reappear in our lives!

Lots of food for thought mentioned here already. It's up to you to decide how you want to handle it. Like Minnie said, you can't set boundaries and protect someone else's feelings at the same time! It sounds so simple, and yet, for those of us not used to doing it, it can be quite difficult to wrap our brains around. Just keep repeating that to yourself until it becomes second nature to you.

Also, like Judy said, recovery - when we change and learn to take care of ourselves, does feel very uncomfortable at first. That's because we're not used to it. But with time, practice, and determination, it will begin to feel more comfortable. And, the old way of life will begin to feel uncomfortable, as it should!

I wonder though....all this time, turmoil and stress spent over this one phone call...what will it all matter if he 'doesn't' end up calling you on Friday? That too can be quite a lesson for you....how he tried to suck you back in, how much time you wasted and all for nothing.

deax

Yes and I stilldon't have it completely straight. I think I'm going to pare it way down, not say half of what I'd like to, and just get right to the point with little explanation. Hopefully that way I'll have less to screw up.

Yeah you know I was just thinking- this will be a test of character for him too. Like I said the first time I posted here, the last time I talked to him I knew he didn't take me seriously. Once he finally does, whether it'son Friday or in response to any attempts he makes after that, I honestly don't know how he'll react to it. I've never seen a rude or nasty side of him, but I also never didn't get back with him after a little time and some lecturing from me, either. So who knows what he'll do, but that's when I'll keep this saying in mind for sure. I'm preparing now for his sympathy routine, which will get to me for a few reasons. But if I'm at peace with what I'm doing, then it's up to him to get himself through it, whichever way he chooses to do that.

If he doesn't call on Friday, that's fine, but it'll just be some other day in the very near future. Once again I'll be waiting on him. But I find that irrelevant at this point. And I just want to be prepared when he does call.

elizabeth1979

control control control control control control

I wouldnt bet the farm that this call on Friday will make him take you serisouly, TBH.

ASpouse

Thank you Sarah for saying in few words what I've been attempting to say in a lot of posts (blush)!

deax

Yep. What I did, and how I thought I was helping, before I learned better.

Me neither. After Friday I have to stick to it. No matter what he pulls.