LinzisAddiction

soo..ok..im a recovering heroine addict...i shot up multiple times daily. Along with other drugs, such as oxy's, coke, meth, blah blah blah...no need to get into such great detail about that i supose. Anyway, as far as the heroine goes, i've been clean since June. But, i find myself at work often, noticing how "beautiful" my veins look..and i stole some of my mothers needles (shes a diabetic) recently..."just in case" on my way down here (to florida) i met a few dealers on the bus trip...i've misplaced there numbers, but i know they dont live far from here..and i find myself driving in neighborhoods in the area they told me they lived...hoping maybe i'll run into them. I find myself popping insane ammounts of lortabs, and any other small dosage pill i can get my hands on, on a regular basis, and of course drinkin as much beer and liquor as i can along with it. and of course, if that falls through, i do the pathetic and shameful thing of running to the local drugstore, to get my hands on any kind of cough med's with any kind of ANYTHING in it. I've tried to stay sober..but i cant handle the shakes..and the acheing...and it seems that even the low dosage crap i've been taking helps. In some ways, i've been clean since june...but in others, i havent. I guess, my point is, im aware that pills and alcohol are considered drugs as well..but, does that inquire me to not be in recovery if im doing them? I mean, im not doing the "hardcore" stuff, so im fine...right?

best

What do you call fine?

Searching for things that are controling your life?
Searching for people who are looking to get rich off of your addiction?

If having your life controled by a drugs and your every action controled by the quest for the drugs...along with the risk of death...Well if that is what you call an ok life... Then I guess you are doing fine.

You and I both know it isn't fine. There are many around with answers, help, and support when you are ready to try a different way of dealing with life.

People here do understand and will help in any way they can.
I hope you find things here very helpful and informative.

MagdaM

oh my god that was painful to read. sweet jesus do i know what you mean! i don't know what to tell you--i've been quitting and substituting and then going right on back for so many years now...

no, i don't think you're fine. i think you're in trouble. because i was just there three weeks ago with the fantasizing and the cold medicine and whatever else i could get my hands on. and now i'm rioght back here with a few days worth of H left, no money and so little care to even try anymore.

do something now--ask someone for help now. maybe you will get over this little bit too and everything will be fine. or maybe it won't and waiting will be fatal.

LinzisAddiction

yea, i think the fantasiscing is my worse problem. Here lately, my veins pop out so amazingly..when they used to hide all the time, and the only place i could succeed was my neck. But, every friggen time i look at my arms...its just like, OMG...

I have to admit, that i've been tempted to shoot ANYTHING up. Just to shoot. I miss the feeling. Thats an addiction in itself. Im a cutter as well...so i miss the feeling of the pain, and then, the numbness...oh god, and the way it made me feel...wow. One of the greatest feelings in the wrold. Its so hard...i crave it, i crave that burning sensatoin that flows though your blood stream...

bah. ok. i really need to stop..there i go..fantasicing once again. Its so hard!

BigD

((((Linzi))))
"Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs."
Its for you to decide, but drugs seem to be tugging at your life a bit. Just my opinion, though.
Love, Don

BubbaBob

Wrong.

BubbaBob

Gooch

The thrill of the chase.. or as it says in this cool book I have "Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another - the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more"


"we tried substituting one drug for another"

Am I an Addict?

MagdaM

the ritual of it is hard to get out of your head. yeah. the hard physical elements. and the idea of it too. like i said before i agree with everyone whose commented--you should tell someone about what you've been thinking and get help. it doesn't sound to me like you're very far beyond actually shooting.

nocoke

I Have been struggling with some of the same issues you have mentioned. I stopped using drugs in feb.04 and I substituted with alcohol. I stopped using alcohol 19 days ago for many reasons. One of which was that I craved getting high much worse when I was drinking.
Since I have been in recovery I find that the biggest trigger is when I notice my veins. I start craving a hit so badly. I just shake my head and try and keep busy to get it out of my mind. I have struggled with this for along time and I've never mentioned it to anyone because it makes me sick to my stomach and ashamed of myself. Does anyone know if this will last forever?

LinzisAddiction

honastly...sobriety scares me....ive lived in my imaginarty comfort zone for so long. im scared to leave it behind. and move on. The only person i really hav to tell is my fiance' and he would flip out if i told him how bad i wanted to shoot again.

Why is this such a hard decesion? I feel bad, everyone always says that if you want the help bad enough you'll get it. and maybe thats the truth. Maybe i just dont want the help. But, i dont want to live this life anymore either...im just scared of what is on the other side of the wall.

BigD

((((Linzi))))
The decision is actually quite easy. Its the quitting and getting right with yourself that takes a little work, but it really isn't as hard as we want to make it seem. We certainly love drama. The thing that worked for me was breaking my old habits, playgrounds and playmates. I, like you have already, reached out to people here and got involved with people who have the same goals. I chose NA, because I am comfortable (that took awhile, I guess I choose to call that denial in my case), but there are other means, also.
I didn't want to live the addictive lifestyle anymore and at some points did not even want to live at all. I was afraid enough to listen to people with some happiness in their lives that had gone through exactly what I had. I guess all I can say is that the "other side of the wall" had to be better than where I was.


Love, Don

roadie58

How bout getting a real life? You sound far from fine to me. You sound like someone who's world is dominated by drugs and thoughts of drugs. There really is so much more. But everyone has to hit their own bottom in order to get the strength to quit. Unfortunately, this roulette kills many of us.

Have you had enough PAIN? Why suffer more....

REZ

I was scared of getting clean too but more scared of not getting clean. Go to NA meetings. You will find people there that have been just where you are at right now and have made it. They will be more than willing to help, and they will help you deal with your fears, withdrawals, etc. For me, the highs that I have experienced while clean are far better than the drug-induced delirium that I thought I wanted and needed.

LinzisAddiction

if only it were that easy...i moved away from the only home i've ever known. to a small small town, where all the people my age have been friends with one another since elementary school...no one wants to "add" new people to there cliques..

im trying...im going out to places where people would be that i can meet...its not working...im trying...a "real" life. trust me, i am.

unfortunatly..it isnt as easy as i'd like it to be.

best

For all of us, it isn't as easy as we would like it to be.

One thing I have noticed about you... You are very smart. You have a lot of good understanding towards life. With the brains and strength you have, I know you can handle a lot and that alone tells me...You can do anything you put your mind to.

hopealwayz

Always remember that you can do this.
Never lose the faith.

brknspirit

in recovery the behaviors leading up to the use IS falling off, even if the actual drug is not involved...............consider the vein obsession,,,,i too am triggered by my veins,,,mostly because i have no more, they are all destroyed,,,,,,,so when i do see one,,,,,i become STONED,,,disoriented,,,removed from reality,,,,thus "IMPAIRED" by my state of mind,,,and the thoughts that control me..........................another consideration is the possibility that you may mourn the loss of the drug, as i do,,,,,,,,it's sick,yet some how it makes sense........it's like the ole' abusive boyfriend,,,he never treats you right,,,,always beats you silly,,,you clearly know the reality is that one day he will kill you,,,,,,,but so what???you LOVE him..... one more thought....are you really clean when the ONLY thing missing is the DRUG????ask yourself,,,given the present thoughts and behaviors,,,,if someone were to put the drug in your hand,,,would you use?????if yes,,there really is no different......your boyfriend is in jail,,,it's been 2mo,,,people tell you that you are doing great,,,because you are no longer with him,,,and you agree,,,,you are doing great,,,but if you are the one picking him up from jail,,,you never really broke it off,,,circumstances were the only things helping you to comply....................don't get me wrong,,,,your abstinence IS wonderful,,,you are doing good,,,just see into your thoughts and know the dangers,,,o.k.

theNAway

Are you in a program there buddy??? Have you read your thread lately? Enough with taking other people's inventories, huh.

Anyway. Linzi. I have been there too. My whole life surrounded around it. Everything, from the drugs, the preparation to do them, to the preparation the dope sickness afterwards...ect...
Getting clean scared me too. Especially since I had gotten dope sick so many times. Getting off the opiates was bad enough, coming off the benzo's - I wanted to die and just get it over with. Let alone thinking about living everyday without them. Now I do it One Day at a Time...
I remember this though, I only had to do it one last time.
After the week in ICU with my wife there everyday wondering if I was going to make it until now is a miracle to me that I was living that way.
I also would make "rounds" looking for stuff, until I finally got too sick to go anywhere. And my whole life was centered in drugs.
I also had a hard time early in recovery changing my old thinking. But it happened because I work the program, got a sponsor, and did the steps.
It took some time, some work, and a whole lot of faith (from others when I didn't have it myself), but I have been in recovery and living a lot better since.
The dope sickness will pass, the thinking about it all day, all of that.
Try calling a local NA hotline down there and see if you can talk to someone in recovery who has been through the same thing and can help you through this if you want. They can also help with finding a meeting, and a treatment center if that is what you want to do.
How I finally recovered is by putting all that time in effort I put into using, into working the program and staying clean...
Just another junkie's spin...
Chad H.

Clean another 24 hours = thanks to the program and my HP