Husband left after rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 34
Husband left after rehab
Hello,
I have been reading SR and I have been really thankful for all the people going through the same thing as I have. But please help me understand why alcoholics after 4 week treatment leave their families so often?
Background: We have been married for about 8 years and together for 9. We have a3-year-old daughter together. My AH has never had good control over alcohol. In the beginning our relationship, he would drink in front of me, but when it became a problem for me, he started to hide and lie about it. He got DUI in 2017 and he was recommended to go through the. Deferred Prosecution Process. It's a 2-year program when he went to 2 AA meetings a week and also outpatient treatment. He didn't drink for the 1st year. Things seemed to be great and we got pregnant inearly2019.
I have to point out that he works in construction and gets laid off every year during the cold season, or would work 4-10 days. The time off work is when would been drinking, alone at home and hiding it. If I found containers he would lie that they are not his or year old. He would drink so much that I couldn't wake him up or he would pee on the bed when sleeping because he was so out of it. His drinking and behavior would get out of hand when he made some safety problem at work last spring and almost killed an employee. He was demoted. He would drink on daily bases and started coming home drunk. He would come home late from work, acting drunk but was blaming it on being depressed and bi-polar and whatnot and wanted to go either fishing or just on a walk. He was drinking during those “alone” moments too. He stopped helping me at home and with our daughter. I was so frustrated and so “controlling” because I wanted him to be home with us and be a supportive husband and father. Things really started to go bad before Christmas 2022 when he was laid off.
At the begging of February, I told him he needs to go to rehab or I’d kick him out. At that point none of his family wanted to help him either. The last drop was when he picked up our little daughter at daycare tipsy. The daycare workers had no idea he was drunk as he was just looking “happy”.
At his time I know that he wasn’t ready for rehab but it was forced by everyone and the boundary I set up: it’s either rehab or you’re on the streets. He went into rehab mid-February. He called us every day, talking and being himself. I tried to mention how things will look like when he gets out and he always said yes to AA meetings, and yes to outpointed treatment. The weekend before his release he told me he no longer wants to do outpatient treatment. I got upset and told him, for him to be able to come home to me and our daughter he needs to set up OPT. The day before I picked him up he told me he no longer wants to come home. When I picked him up he was like a different person. On the hour drive home he was saying he wants divorce and separation and everything in between. His goal was to get into an Oxford house, which I was ok with, but he said in the meantime he’d live with one of his rehab buddies in the mountains off the grid. I was like what? The very 1stday home, he blamedhis drinking on me and on the environment and that he can’t stay at the same house/environment. Heasked me to split our bank accounts and start separation. Since it was me always taking care of everything, I told him I will not be doing the separation alone, that he would have to help me. Once I said that, he told me no separation is necessary.
When staying home, he slept on a cough, wouldn't hugme or kiss me or hold my hand. Itwas like he was disgusted by me.The thing is, when he went in, we were regular couple, sleeping together and all that. So after about 5 days of him being home I have asked him if he fell in love in rehab. It took him 30 seconds to answer no. I knew then thathe was. I couldn’t sleep one night and I went through his smart watch that was charging next to me on the nightstand and found out text messages with his treatment buddies about thisgirl from rehab. He was out for 2.5 weeks and was calling the rehab center to talk to this girl becauseshe was still in there. He wastexting his rehab buddies how he hates being homeand hates me. One of his friend askedhim: Will you move out with this XXX when she gets out? And he responded: I want to, I talk to her every day, she has 2 bedroom place, we would be destroying bedroom. This girl also left him a note: Hi my future husband. When I approached him about it all, he lied, denied it and then he turned it around and told me that he doesn’t want to be with someone who gets into his stuff. He also told me that he told everyone from day one in rehab that he hated being with me. But I was the one who was pushing for separation for a year and he was the one begging not to do that. So why all of the sudden he hated being with us? To be honest, I have never got into his stuff before.
So he packed his clothes and left. Ihave filed the separation that he didn’t want to. He agreed to leave me the house and pay me child support. He is apparently staying with his brother. He is barely working, hasn’t sent any money to support our daughter and can’t even come to see her because he doesn’t have any money for gas.But he drives 60 miles to AA because his new GF is there.
I wanted a closure from him when he came to see our daughter one weekend and pack the rest of his clothes. I had to force it out of him. He told me I was controlling European, he never told me that, so I wonder if that was just repeated what new girlfriend told him. He said that he likes the girl from last week of rehab and we would never work out. Sowhat was 9 year relationship about? And who can fall in love in a week when you have 3yearold at home and a wife?
He has been out of rehab for 4.5 weeks gone from us for 3.5 weeks now. I now know that it’s better without him. I think we all know that. I have weekly counseling and going to Al-anon weekly. I’m working on myself, on my own recovery and moving in the right direction butit’s hard to understand how someone can just leave like that and change like that. I get that rehab is hard but he came out a different person. Again, we’re a couple before rehab, shared everything. After rehab he didn’t even want to look at me.Could you guys just help me understand what happens to anaddict inrehab that they throw away 9 years of life, and a wife and 3 year old daughter? He has seen his daughter for few hours since he left few weeks ago. He told me he’d call to say hi and he called about 3 times in 3.5 weeks. Mind you he goes to AA meetings randomly, nothing else. I don't think that's recovery. I think he is just dry alcoholic or whatever it’s called. I have read enough about this that I know it has happened to a lot of families/couples. Please he’ll me understand why they make such a huge change right after rehab? Why is it that he thinks to make such a huge change was important:
-Is it because he is scared to be around us and in the same house/environment because thinks he will drink again?
- Is it because he traded alcohol addiction for fresh new love and infatuation from rehab?
- Is it because addicts don’t have moral and ethical compass and sense of right and wrong is not functioning?
- Is it because he is selfish? He doesn’t even want to see his daughter any more.
I have been reading SR and I have been really thankful for all the people going through the same thing as I have. But please help me understand why alcoholics after 4 week treatment leave their families so often?
Background: We have been married for about 8 years and together for 9. We have a3-year-old daughter together. My AH has never had good control over alcohol. In the beginning our relationship, he would drink in front of me, but when it became a problem for me, he started to hide and lie about it. He got DUI in 2017 and he was recommended to go through the. Deferred Prosecution Process. It's a 2-year program when he went to 2 AA meetings a week and also outpatient treatment. He didn't drink for the 1st year. Things seemed to be great and we got pregnant inearly2019.
I have to point out that he works in construction and gets laid off every year during the cold season, or would work 4-10 days. The time off work is when would been drinking, alone at home and hiding it. If I found containers he would lie that they are not his or year old. He would drink so much that I couldn't wake him up or he would pee on the bed when sleeping because he was so out of it. His drinking and behavior would get out of hand when he made some safety problem at work last spring and almost killed an employee. He was demoted. He would drink on daily bases and started coming home drunk. He would come home late from work, acting drunk but was blaming it on being depressed and bi-polar and whatnot and wanted to go either fishing or just on a walk. He was drinking during those “alone” moments too. He stopped helping me at home and with our daughter. I was so frustrated and so “controlling” because I wanted him to be home with us and be a supportive husband and father. Things really started to go bad before Christmas 2022 when he was laid off.
At the begging of February, I told him he needs to go to rehab or I’d kick him out. At that point none of his family wanted to help him either. The last drop was when he picked up our little daughter at daycare tipsy. The daycare workers had no idea he was drunk as he was just looking “happy”.
At his time I know that he wasn’t ready for rehab but it was forced by everyone and the boundary I set up: it’s either rehab or you’re on the streets. He went into rehab mid-February. He called us every day, talking and being himself. I tried to mention how things will look like when he gets out and he always said yes to AA meetings, and yes to outpointed treatment. The weekend before his release he told me he no longer wants to do outpatient treatment. I got upset and told him, for him to be able to come home to me and our daughter he needs to set up OPT. The day before I picked him up he told me he no longer wants to come home. When I picked him up he was like a different person. On the hour drive home he was saying he wants divorce and separation and everything in between. His goal was to get into an Oxford house, which I was ok with, but he said in the meantime he’d live with one of his rehab buddies in the mountains off the grid. I was like what? The very 1stday home, he blamedhis drinking on me and on the environment and that he can’t stay at the same house/environment. Heasked me to split our bank accounts and start separation. Since it was me always taking care of everything, I told him I will not be doing the separation alone, that he would have to help me. Once I said that, he told me no separation is necessary.
When staying home, he slept on a cough, wouldn't hugme or kiss me or hold my hand. Itwas like he was disgusted by me.The thing is, when he went in, we were regular couple, sleeping together and all that. So after about 5 days of him being home I have asked him if he fell in love in rehab. It took him 30 seconds to answer no. I knew then thathe was. I couldn’t sleep one night and I went through his smart watch that was charging next to me on the nightstand and found out text messages with his treatment buddies about thisgirl from rehab. He was out for 2.5 weeks and was calling the rehab center to talk to this girl becauseshe was still in there. He wastexting his rehab buddies how he hates being homeand hates me. One of his friend askedhim: Will you move out with this XXX when she gets out? And he responded: I want to, I talk to her every day, she has 2 bedroom place, we would be destroying bedroom. This girl also left him a note: Hi my future husband. When I approached him about it all, he lied, denied it and then he turned it around and told me that he doesn’t want to be with someone who gets into his stuff. He also told me that he told everyone from day one in rehab that he hated being with me. But I was the one who was pushing for separation for a year and he was the one begging not to do that. So why all of the sudden he hated being with us? To be honest, I have never got into his stuff before.
So he packed his clothes and left. Ihave filed the separation that he didn’t want to. He agreed to leave me the house and pay me child support. He is apparently staying with his brother. He is barely working, hasn’t sent any money to support our daughter and can’t even come to see her because he doesn’t have any money for gas.But he drives 60 miles to AA because his new GF is there.
I wanted a closure from him when he came to see our daughter one weekend and pack the rest of his clothes. I had to force it out of him. He told me I was controlling European, he never told me that, so I wonder if that was just repeated what new girlfriend told him. He said that he likes the girl from last week of rehab and we would never work out. Sowhat was 9 year relationship about? And who can fall in love in a week when you have 3yearold at home and a wife?
He has been out of rehab for 4.5 weeks gone from us for 3.5 weeks now. I now know that it’s better without him. I think we all know that. I have weekly counseling and going to Al-anon weekly. I’m working on myself, on my own recovery and moving in the right direction butit’s hard to understand how someone can just leave like that and change like that. I get that rehab is hard but he came out a different person. Again, we’re a couple before rehab, shared everything. After rehab he didn’t even want to look at me.Could you guys just help me understand what happens to anaddict inrehab that they throw away 9 years of life, and a wife and 3 year old daughter? He has seen his daughter for few hours since he left few weeks ago. He told me he’d call to say hi and he called about 3 times in 3.5 weeks. Mind you he goes to AA meetings randomly, nothing else. I don't think that's recovery. I think he is just dry alcoholic or whatever it’s called. I have read enough about this that I know it has happened to a lot of families/couples. Please he’ll me understand why they make such a huge change right after rehab? Why is it that he thinks to make such a huge change was important:
-Is it because he is scared to be around us and in the same house/environment because thinks he will drink again?
- Is it because he traded alcohol addiction for fresh new love and infatuation from rehab?
- Is it because addicts don’t have moral and ethical compass and sense of right and wrong is not functioning?
- Is it because he is selfish? He doesn’t even want to see his daughter any more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, it would be great if every marriage lasted. I mean, no one gets married thinking that they will be in your situation somewhere down the line.
It's hard - I was divorced 30 years ago by my own decision and I still don't have all the answers. It's just the way things go sometimes. Horribly painful, it was one of the most emotionally disorienting events in my life.
Not all alcoholics cheat or want out. It's not the "fault" of alcohol or the rehab. He made choices on his own as an adult. No one could have changed that. You'll likely not get answers that are satisfying. Your task and mine is to accept things as they are without an explanation in this lifetime.
Some people fall in lust/love with someone else from work, church, the gym, the neighbor, the best friend's wife, random strangers, and leave. Some don't. Many people carry on long affairs in secrecy...
Some people just disappear one day.
I don't think you'll get the answers you are asking. We certainly don't have the answers. It's Human Nature to ask the questions, but we don't get solid closure after a love relationship ends. Each of us are left to sort it out individually.
You're on the right path. It's just going to take some anger and some time.
It's hard - I was divorced 30 years ago by my own decision and I still don't have all the answers. It's just the way things go sometimes. Horribly painful, it was one of the most emotionally disorienting events in my life.
Not all alcoholics cheat or want out. It's not the "fault" of alcohol or the rehab. He made choices on his own as an adult. No one could have changed that. You'll likely not get answers that are satisfying. Your task and mine is to accept things as they are without an explanation in this lifetime.
Some people fall in lust/love with someone else from work, church, the gym, the neighbor, the best friend's wife, random strangers, and leave. Some don't. Many people carry on long affairs in secrecy...
Some people just disappear one day.
I don't think you'll get the answers you are asking. We certainly don't have the answers. It's Human Nature to ask the questions, but we don't get solid closure after a love relationship ends. Each of us are left to sort it out individually.
You're on the right path. It's just going to take some anger and some time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 34
Hi biminiblue,
thank you for answer. I know it well that I won’t have answers. It’s just would be nice to have them for the grieving process. I know my daughter and I are better off alone. We all are powerless over alcohol/addiction. I’m learning that. It’s just hard since I put so much hope in rehab: that it’d save our family. But it didn’t. Accepting it and moving on is what I’m working on.
Thank you
thank you for answer. I know it well that I won’t have answers. It’s just would be nice to have them for the grieving process. I know my daughter and I are better off alone. We all are powerless over alcohol/addiction. I’m learning that. It’s just hard since I put so much hope in rehab: that it’d save our family. But it didn’t. Accepting it and moving on is what I’m working on.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi confused, so sorry this happened.
First of all, you might want to have a look at the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, there are probably some threads there you can relate to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
The hope for rehab is common, but really it's just a drop in the bucket of a life long deal. He's probably not in real recovery, or close to it yet.
So why do people stray in rehab? Well, they have come from a place where the relationship has probably broken down. You didn't like his drinking and that's fair! But I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for either of you.
Then he goes to a different environment where everyone is on the same page and soooo understanding and there you have it. Now he has a new girlfriend, with none of the negative drinking baggage that happened in the marriage.
Honestly, who knows what he's thinking. Right now this makes him feel good and feel good about himself.
That doesn't really help you though does it? There is really no answer that would, but how much easier is it to find a new relationship then try to fix the old one. Also, he is now sober, if not in real recovery. You have never really known him as a sober person and he probably doesn't really know himself either. To jump in to a new relationship, with someone from rehab, right out of rehab seems foolish, because it is. But I doubt he's even thinking straight at this point.
First of all, you might want to have a look at the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, there are probably some threads there you can relate to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
The hope for rehab is common, but really it's just a drop in the bucket of a life long deal. He's probably not in real recovery, or close to it yet.
So why do people stray in rehab? Well, they have come from a place where the relationship has probably broken down. You didn't like his drinking and that's fair! But I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for either of you.
Then he goes to a different environment where everyone is on the same page and soooo understanding and there you have it. Now he has a new girlfriend, with none of the negative drinking baggage that happened in the marriage.
Honestly, who knows what he's thinking. Right now this makes him feel good and feel good about himself.
That doesn't really help you though does it? There is really no answer that would, but how much easier is it to find a new relationship then try to fix the old one. Also, he is now sober, if not in real recovery. You have never really known him as a sober person and he probably doesn't really know himself either. To jump in to a new relationship, with someone from rehab, right out of rehab seems foolish, because it is. But I doubt he's even thinking straight at this point.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,721
You might not feel it now. You might not understand it for a long time but, him leaving is the best thing that could happen. Living with an alcoholic is a long hard path and takes its toll on everyone. Your child is young and you are strong. Keep your focus on your life and what you want it to become. You deserve the best and your happiness matters! No more tears! Let him go so that there is room for goodness to move into your life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 34
Trailmix,
I don’t think he was a full blown alcoholic until last spring. I think he drank to numb himself and to run from problems. Is having a responsibility and family a problem? Not for most people but for some people it can be.
The last year has been hard and it was the begging of the end. I have been in counseling since 2021 and tried to get him to go to couple therapy but he wouldn’t.
I must agree and I get it that everyone in rehab is supportive but so was I. And “falling” in love in a week? What’s that? This isn’t just about our marriage. We have 3 years old daughter that he doesn’t really care about anymore and doesn’t see her. Before the heavy drinking started he was amazing dad and husband.
Negative drinking baggage that happened in the marriage? I have been told that most alcoholics will blame their loved one for their drinking. I didn’t make him drink. I know that form Al-anons.
I do agree that “running away” or starting new life and relationship and throwing existing is probably easier than fixing problems in old life & relationships. Or probably to them for sure.
I’m thankful for all your responses. It helps with processing. I’m in better place than I was few weeks ago. I’m just going through the process. I just don’t understand that he was affectionate towards me when he went in and then came out like he hated me.
I don’t think he was a full blown alcoholic until last spring. I think he drank to numb himself and to run from problems. Is having a responsibility and family a problem? Not for most people but for some people it can be.
The last year has been hard and it was the begging of the end. I have been in counseling since 2021 and tried to get him to go to couple therapy but he wouldn’t.
I must agree and I get it that everyone in rehab is supportive but so was I. And “falling” in love in a week? What’s that? This isn’t just about our marriage. We have 3 years old daughter that he doesn’t really care about anymore and doesn’t see her. Before the heavy drinking started he was amazing dad and husband.
Negative drinking baggage that happened in the marriage? I have been told that most alcoholics will blame their loved one for their drinking. I didn’t make him drink. I know that form Al-anons.
I do agree that “running away” or starting new life and relationship and throwing existing is probably easier than fixing problems in old life & relationships. Or probably to them for sure.
I’m thankful for all your responses. It helps with processing. I’m in better place than I was few weeks ago. I’m just going through the process. I just don’t understand that he was affectionate towards me when he went in and then came out like he hated me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Sadly there are many stories like yours here on SR. Alcoholic goes to rehab, starts out ok (maybe calling daily - saying wait for me!) then as the days go by they get attached to someone else (or even not) and they leave the marriage/relationship.
Yes, I don't mean that you were to blame, you didn't tie him down and make him drink. I'm talking about from the view point of the alcoholic. He wanted to drink, more than anything else, that's what alcoholics do. You stood between him and his alcohol. Now, to you that seems fair - I mean you can't have a good relationship with an alcoholic and alcoholics make terrible parents in general and you didn't want your child around that kind of behaviour either. You're not wrong.
But that doesn't have to make sense to the alcoholic does it?
So through many years this was probably a problem for you, you told him (as is right) and that caused conflict. It's horrible for the non-alcoholic partner - but it's also awful for the alcoholic. Although your idea of him being sober may seem right to you, it may not have seemed right to him (at the time).
I'm not in any way excusing his behaviour or saying he is right or anything like that. It's just that sometimes when we feel we are right, the other person may not, even if it seems obvious to everyone except them.
Negative drinking baggage that happened in the marriage? I have been told that most alcoholics will blame their loved one for their drinking. I didn’t make him drink. I know that form Al-anons.
But that doesn't have to make sense to the alcoholic does it?
So through many years this was probably a problem for you, you told him (as is right) and that caused conflict. It's horrible for the non-alcoholic partner - but it's also awful for the alcoholic. Although your idea of him being sober may seem right to you, it may not have seemed right to him (at the time).
I'm not in any way excusing his behaviour or saying he is right or anything like that. It's just that sometimes when we feel we are right, the other person may not, even if it seems obvious to everyone except them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Here are some threads you might find relatable. You know the time after rehab can be a mess, whether the person leaves or stays with their SO. There is sobriety and there is recovery. Recovery takes time and lots of it and a real commitment to staying sober and focusing on yourself and how you got there in the first place.
The other side of this may be that all of a sudden they are in a situation with others that "know" and "care" etc - and it's a diversion from the alcoholic's real issues (which is really what they should be working on perhaps and not jumping in to a relationship with someone they barely know?). But, that's up to them.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-anymore.html (Wife in rehab isn't sure she is in love with me anymore.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...mance-bpd.html (Rehab Romance and BPD)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ce-needed.html (Wife cheated in rehab. Am I an idiot? ADVICE NEEDED!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Alcoholic bf finally went to rehab, met someone else… need advice)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...lse-rehab.html (Ex met someone else in rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...guy-rehab.html (My STBXW left me for a guy in rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...b-romance.html (Girlfriend left me for rehab romance)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...her-rehab.html (Now EX-GF of 3 years broke up with me during her rehab.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...nce-rehab.html (Silence in Rehab?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ing-crazy.html (Fiance found romance in rehab and I'm going crazy!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (Girlfriend left me in rehab? Had no contact since? Feeling sad and confused.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ter-rehab.html (RBF broke up with me after rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (Husband is home from rehab and I'm lost and confused)
The other side of this may be that all of a sudden they are in a situation with others that "know" and "care" etc - and it's a diversion from the alcoholic's real issues (which is really what they should be working on perhaps and not jumping in to a relationship with someone they barely know?). But, that's up to them.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-anymore.html (Wife in rehab isn't sure she is in love with me anymore.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...mance-bpd.html (Rehab Romance and BPD)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ce-needed.html (Wife cheated in rehab. Am I an idiot? ADVICE NEEDED!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Alcoholic bf finally went to rehab, met someone else… need advice)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...lse-rehab.html (Ex met someone else in rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...guy-rehab.html (My STBXW left me for a guy in rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...b-romance.html (Girlfriend left me for rehab romance)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...her-rehab.html (Now EX-GF of 3 years broke up with me during her rehab.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...nce-rehab.html (Silence in Rehab?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ing-crazy.html (Fiance found romance in rehab and I'm going crazy!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (Girlfriend left me in rehab? Had no contact since? Feeling sad and confused.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ter-rehab.html (RBF broke up with me after rehab)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (Husband is home from rehab and I'm lost and confused)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 34
Trailmix,
Thank you so much four your kind words. It means a lot to me.
You couldn’t be more correct on all your points. I agree that as I read SR, it feels more addicts/alcoholics leave their families than they don’t. And most of the stories are pretty much exactly the same, to the point it’s scary.
I also see now that you’re right with that when we think to stop them or try to convince them to stop drinking, we put ourself in a situation when they will hate us automatically for that. I know now I should have started Al-anon years ago.
He used to be a mean drunk. But amazing sober person. And don’t give me wrong, nobody wants to be with that. But when he got out of rehab, when he was staying home for the 3 weeks before leaving, he was a mean sober person. You could tell that not drinking was taking a toll on him. And that’s when I was like you know we need to talk about this. Everyone was telling me to let him be and leave him alone. But you can’t have someone like that around 3 years old and keep it together. Or at least I couldn’t keep the fake facade that everything was alright while it wasn’t.
Now he doesn’t even come see our daughter. Has always excuses: don’t have time, don’t have money, going to AA meeting that is 3 hours away cause a friend is there so can’t come see her.
It’s just sad. But that’s life isn’t it? I’m strong person and with all my weekly counseling, weekly Al-anon (working on getting a sponsor) and great support system of friends, it is still hard situation to go through.
It’ll take a little bit for me to get over the heartache he caused me but I think I’m heading the right direction. Even my daughter is better. She started to sleep better, doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Doesn’t think I’ll abandon her (she was worried I won’t come back to get her from daycare) cause I tell her we’ll go do fun stuff after I pick her up.
life is so much more then just being stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic. We all have the right to be happy and to be loved. I’m excited what this new journey will bring me.
Thank you so much four your kind words. It means a lot to me.
You couldn’t be more correct on all your points. I agree that as I read SR, it feels more addicts/alcoholics leave their families than they don’t. And most of the stories are pretty much exactly the same, to the point it’s scary.
I also see now that you’re right with that when we think to stop them or try to convince them to stop drinking, we put ourself in a situation when they will hate us automatically for that. I know now I should have started Al-anon years ago.
He used to be a mean drunk. But amazing sober person. And don’t give me wrong, nobody wants to be with that. But when he got out of rehab, when he was staying home for the 3 weeks before leaving, he was a mean sober person. You could tell that not drinking was taking a toll on him. And that’s when I was like you know we need to talk about this. Everyone was telling me to let him be and leave him alone. But you can’t have someone like that around 3 years old and keep it together. Or at least I couldn’t keep the fake facade that everything was alright while it wasn’t.
Now he doesn’t even come see our daughter. Has always excuses: don’t have time, don’t have money, going to AA meeting that is 3 hours away cause a friend is there so can’t come see her.
It’s just sad. But that’s life isn’t it? I’m strong person and with all my weekly counseling, weekly Al-anon (working on getting a sponsor) and great support system of friends, it is still hard situation to go through.
It’ll take a little bit for me to get over the heartache he caused me but I think I’m heading the right direction. Even my daughter is better. She started to sleep better, doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Doesn’t think I’ll abandon her (she was worried I won’t come back to get her from daycare) cause I tell her we’ll go do fun stuff after I pick her up.
life is so much more then just being stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic. We all have the right to be happy and to be loved. I’m excited what this new journey will bring me.
Member
Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 15
Hi
I see that you are asking a lot of questions about him and trying to figure out what he is thinking, trying to justify his behavior, trying to rationalize it. My experience with living with an alcoholic husband that went to rehab after drinking for 2 years and has been sober 6 months then relapsed and has been now sober 1 month::::I have realized that as a sober person I cannot think like an addict. I can only think about my feelings toward the situation. I have to step back and view situation like it is not happening to me, because I'm too close to it to think clearly. He did awful things, not me. I made excuses for him, unknowingly enabled his drinking, and let everything go on way too long. I was in complete denial for a long time. It's extremely difficult to see someone I love hurting themselves and me and the kids and not have control over anything. But, I filed for divorce before he went to rehab. I had been giving ultimatums for about a year and never followed through. Finally I followed through. Yes it was traumatic and tough but I would still make the same decision again. I have to put my feelings for who he used to be aside because I have to be strong and responsible for my children. It isn't healthy for me and isn't healthy for them to stay with someone that is not trustworthy, irresponsible, and always up and down. He has been pressuring me to reconcile and it would be so much easier financially and it would ease the hole of pain inside of me if I did take him back. I do forgive him for the awful things he did in his addiction, but that doesn't mean it is easy to forget. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I'm terrified that he will go back to his old ways if he comes back. I don't want to have to go through all of this again or put the kids through all of it again.
hope some of this helps!
hope some of this helps!
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