Husband is home from rehab and I'm lost and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 8
Husband is home from rehab and I'm lost and confused
Good morning,
I am a new member here looking for some support and guidance.
My husband of 17 years has always been a heavy drinker but very high functioning. Last month he admitted himself into rehab and is now home.
Prior to rehab, even though his drinking was very stressful, he was always so loving attentive and really into me.
Now that he is back Since Thursday, I feel like he's changed. In 38 days he came back sober but distant and looks distracted or bored.
I don't feel like he's really into me anymore and its killing me inside. I don't know what to do and I have been crying ever since he got home.
I thought the by him being home, I would feel all the sadness gone and it actually got worse.
Has anybody gone thru this when their spouse is back from Rehab?
I am a new member here looking for some support and guidance.
My husband of 17 years has always been a heavy drinker but very high functioning. Last month he admitted himself into rehab and is now home.
Prior to rehab, even though his drinking was very stressful, he was always so loving attentive and really into me.
Now that he is back Since Thursday, I feel like he's changed. In 38 days he came back sober but distant and looks distracted or bored.
I don't feel like he's really into me anymore and its killing me inside. I don't know what to do and I have been crying ever since he got home.
I thought the by him being home, I would feel all the sadness gone and it actually got worse.
Has anybody gone thru this when their spouse is back from Rehab?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This must be a very confusing time for you, Lioness, I'm so sorry. But really glad you're here.
I hope you can come to accept that your husband's distance has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you. He has been managing his feelings with alcohol for a very long time now and had only just been given the tools to do things differently. It will take time for him to work through this. Recovery is not an event, it's a process.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself.
I hope you can come to accept that your husband's distance has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you. He has been managing his feelings with alcohol for a very long time now and had only just been given the tools to do things differently. It will take time for him to work through this. Recovery is not an event, it's a process.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 8
Thank you Sparkle Kitty.
I'm extremely confused as I thought that he would be so happy to be home. He would call and facetime everyday and always said how much he loved and missed me but now he's home and seems blank.
I also heard him say to his rehab buddies (the guys who lived in the house with him) that he feels kinda empty without them and that broke my heart.
Now I'm thinking he would rather be there and not home? Im just so sad and confused. I have even thought that maybe he met someone at rehab and is sad that she cannot see her anymore. My mind is running crazy and I just cant shake it.
I'm extremely confused as I thought that he would be so happy to be home. He would call and facetime everyday and always said how much he loved and missed me but now he's home and seems blank.
I also heard him say to his rehab buddies (the guys who lived in the house with him) that he feels kinda empty without them and that broke my heart.
Now I'm thinking he would rather be there and not home? Im just so sad and confused. I have even thought that maybe he met someone at rehab and is sad that she cannot see her anymore. My mind is running crazy and I just cant shake it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
In rehab, he had constant support for dealing with emotion, from and with people who have been or are going through this very thing. It's just natural that leaving that relatively safe environment would be uncomfortable for him. Again, that's not about you, though. It's like someone has taken away his oxygen and he is learning to breathe new air. He's talking to those who have been there and who understand, which is what he should be doing.
What kind of support do YOU have for yourself? Coming here is a good start, but nothing can replace the real life support of friends, family, perhaps a therapist or a minister? Have you tried Al-Anon?
What kind of support do YOU have for yourself? Coming here is a good start, but nothing can replace the real life support of friends, family, perhaps a therapist or a minister? Have you tried Al-Anon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 8
Your words are so helpful Sparklekitty. Because I have been taking this very personal. I just haven't been able to understand why he is so distant.
I looked up Al-anon and looks like there is a meeting tonight that I am planning to attend.
We have a very good support system and I do plan on seeing a therapist. I couldn't even go to work today because this situation is consuming me. I really just didnt know what to expect once he got back home. We were a very close loving couple even with the alchohol and I can only hope that we get there again someday.
I looked up Al-anon and looks like there is a meeting tonight that I am planning to attend.
We have a very good support system and I do plan on seeing a therapist. I couldn't even go to work today because this situation is consuming me. I really just didnt know what to expect once he got back home. We were a very close loving couple even with the alchohol and I can only hope that we get there again someday.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Lioness147 
Your words are so helpful Sparklekitty. Because I have been taking this very personal. I just haven't been able to understand why he is so distant.
I looked up Al-anon and looks like there is a meeting tonight that I am planning to attend.
We have a very good support system and I do plan on seeing a therapist. I couldn't even go to work today because this situation is consuming me. I really just didnt know what to expect once he got back home. We were a very close loving couple even with the alchohol and I can only hope that we get there again someday.
I looked up Al-anon and looks like there is a meeting tonight that I am planning to attend.
We have a very good support system and I do plan on seeing a therapist. I couldn't even go to work today because this situation is consuming me. I really just didnt know what to expect once he got back home. We were a very close loving couple even with the alchohol and I can only hope that we get there again someday.
Now he has almost 60 days and he realized a few days ago that he was an ass. However, I've been going to Al Anon almost every day and I'm seeing how my interpretations and reactions made it worse. I took it all personally, too. I'm not giving him a pass, but I know he is a good man and I love him, and if he can stay sober/do his recovery and I can get my crap straightened out, then maybe we can try again.
Al Anon will be a HUGE help. If that first meeting doesn't do it, keep looking for ones that do. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 8
Hi TriStrong.
Thank you for your input. Im going to a meeting tonight and hopefully I get good info out of it.
He's only been home since Thursday and we have gotten into 2 fights because of him being distant. Today he is being more himself I noticed and I'm hoping he gets better everyday. I cannot take him being distant and removed because he was a bubbly person before rehab even when sober.
Good luck to you and hopefully you can work things out!
Thank you for your input. Im going to a meeting tonight and hopefully I get good info out of it.
He's only been home since Thursday and we have gotten into 2 fights because of him being distant. Today he is being more himself I noticed and I'm hoping he gets better everyday. I cannot take him being distant and removed because he was a bubbly person before rehab even when sober.
Good luck to you and hopefully you can work things out!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You said something that if it's correct is VERY good. He put himself into rehab. That is half the battle. If he wanted this and did it on his own, that's a huge step.
Addicts have a lot to work though when they come home. They have to figure out new habits, how to combat cravings, and deal with all the crap they have put their loved ones though. It's ALOT.
What you can do is give him space and know that if he continues working his recovery, it will pass. This is a great time to make sure you have face to face support as well as here at SR. Maybe that's also meetings at Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Maybe it's counseling. Maybe it's both. Either way, just make sure you have that in your tool box.
Welcome to SR. This is a place of great support.
Addicts have a lot to work though when they come home. They have to figure out new habits, how to combat cravings, and deal with all the crap they have put their loved ones though. It's ALOT.
What you can do is give him space and know that if he continues working his recovery, it will pass. This is a great time to make sure you have face to face support as well as here at SR. Maybe that's also meetings at Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Maybe it's counseling. Maybe it's both. Either way, just make sure you have that in your tool box.
Welcome to SR. This is a place of great support.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lioness......yours is a common reaction, as you will see, if you continue to stay around and read from the thousands of real life stories of others who have been in your shoes. For those who know little or nothing about the disease of alcoholism...or, what getting into genuine recover entails.....early recover often comes as quite a shock.
We have a huge library, here on the forum....More than 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....enough for you to read and digest one, every single day...lol....
this "library" is contained in the "stickies"...just above the threads on the main page. For your convenience and to get you acquainted, I am gong to give you the following link, for quick access to those stickies.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please keep reading and keep learning.
Knowledge is Power.
We have a huge library, here on the forum....More than 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....enough for you to read and digest one, every single day...lol....
this "library" is contained in the "stickies"...just above the threads on the main page. For your convenience and to get you acquainted, I am gong to give you the following link, for quick access to those stickies.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please keep reading and keep learning.
Knowledge is Power.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lioness.....I have been on this forum for a long time.....and, those who have been around here, will remember me as freq uently saying that, because early recovery period can be so miserable, that it would be more merciful for all parties...alcoholic and loved ones, alike....if the alcoholic spent the first year high in the mountains of Nepal....giving them time and space to work on their recovery.....and the loved ones a chance to work on their own healing, unimpeded.....
Lioness....the best thing that you can do him...an d, yourself...is to give him a wide berth and leave him alone to work his own program of recovery.....
And, to give yourself the attention that you would have, usually, showered on him.....
Lioness....the best thing that you can do him...an d, yourself...is to give him a wide berth and leave him alone to work his own program of recovery.....
And, to give yourself the attention that you would have, usually, showered on him.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 45
Lioness
So sorry you're going through this. I had a very similar situation with my on again off again AGF. She is 60 days clean and and 15 days in love with a new BF.
I've learned alot through the Al-Anon and wish I had started sooner. I'm almost 3 weeks in, 10 meetings strong. I'll echo some words already mentioned in this thread. Work and focus on you!
So sorry you're going through this. I had a very similar situation with my on again off again AGF. She is 60 days clean and and 15 days in love with a new BF.
I've learned alot through the Al-Anon and wish I had started sooner. I'm almost 3 weeks in, 10 meetings strong. I'll echo some words already mentioned in this thread. Work and focus on you!
has left the building :)
Join Date: May 2012
Location: The Big City
Posts: 59
Hi Lioness,
So sorry you are experiencing this aspect of recovery. It sounds like the classic "dry drunk" scenario. Here's a little article that may help point out that it's not at all your fault...
http://www.familyrecoverysolutions.com/articles/are-you-living-with-a-dry-drunk/
Stay strong and keep coming back here to let us know how it's going (((hugs)))
So sorry you are experiencing this aspect of recovery. It sounds like the classic "dry drunk" scenario. Here's a little article that may help point out that it's not at all your fault...
http://www.familyrecoverysolutions.com/articles/are-you-living-with-a-dry-drunk/
Stay strong and keep coming back here to let us know how it's going (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Welcome Lioness
My relationship was not good before my XRAH went to rehab so there is a little bit of difference between you and me but that said, 30 days is only the very tip of the iceberg, it is a drop in the bucket. It took my ex a good 6-7 weeks of inpatient rehab and lots of counseling during that time to finally see a lot of his ways and behaviors. My ex had been an alcoholic for close to 40 years with a few periods of sobriety but in a dry drunk kind of way,..he never sought treatment and was just white knuckling it and was still miserable except he no longer had his coping mechanism. So really it wasn’t much better. So in 30 days of rehab they don’t really accomplish that much when your rally think about it. Years of drinking and dysfunctional behavior doesn’t get fixed in 30 days. It takes a lot of time and effort to change his ways and to learn new healthy coping skills. In rehab he had support, nothing else to worry about as far as every day stuff. He was with people like him. And now he is home and probably feels lost, he is on his own now. What kind of treatment is he doing now that he is out? He should be doing at least 90 meeting in 90 days and probably also do intensive outpatient and individual counseling with someone that specializes in addiction. True recovery is very hard and a very selfish process. My ex went to rehab for 90 days and needed every minute of it. It probably would have taking him at least a year if not more had he only gone to rehab for one month to get where he was after 90 days, and even then he still had a lot of work to do. In a sense it is actually not a bad thing that he isn’t all over you and the relationship because his focus needs to really be on himself right now as hard as that is to understand and accept for you. He just underwent a huge and hopefully lasting life change, he can never touch alcohol again and that is VERY hard for them to accept. He needs to learn how to deal with stress and craving without resorting to alcohol and that is very hard. If he was all over you and the relationship you could argue that he is avoiding what he really needs to do to recover. True recovery takes a lot of time and energy. My ex admitted during marriage counseling at some point that it actually benefitted him that I was so distant and not interested in him once he came back from rehab because it forced him to focus on his recovery. It would have been very easy for us to fall right back into our codependent relationship if I had received him him with open arms.
If you are not already seeing a counselor yourself I would highly recommend it, also someone that is very familiar with addiction. Definitely check out alanon but counseling will help you a lot as well as you’d an focus on you 100%. Alanon is helpful to hear others stories and because you can relate to each other but it doesn’t give you much time to really work on yourself. So a combo of the two would be really good. In the past I always thought “if he just quit everything will be just fine”. Truth is, in order for him to stay clean he has to really change who he is, leant new behaviors. And you too more than likely will need to change (I know I did, i just did not know it before he went to rehab and I actually learned what addiction and codependency is really like). And sometimes the changes mean that people may no longer be compatible. Now you guys were in a good place relationship wise before he went from what you are saying whereas I was not at all. As hard as it is, be patient give him space and take that time to work on you. The first year of recovery is hard and he will (provided he will truly continue to work on himself and continue treatment ) continue to change a lot that first year. They always say to not make any big life changes that first year (so don’t divorce or get married or start a new relationship). At some point if he continues treatment you probably want to do marriage counseling as well. This is a huge life change for both of you and doing counseling together will probably be helpful (if you have a good counselor). Not necessarily because your marriage is in trouble (because it wasn’t before he went) but just to have someone help you navigate you two together. Alcoholics are not known to like to talk about their feelings and so it will take time for him to learn that which is why having a counselor will help.
I know this is a hard time for you and him. As hard as it is, do not take it personally. Learn all you can about alcoholism and recovery because it will help you understand more what is going on with him. And you can be there to support him but there is really nothing that you can do to help him, it is all 100% on him and I think that is hard for people to understand. Most of us want to help somehow but truth is we cannot, the alcoholic has to do it all him or herself. He needs his rehab buddies because they are the only ones who really understand what he is going through, he needs a sponsor etc.
I wish you lots of luck, it is a really tough time. but plenty of people do make it through with an intact relationship, but the puppies and rainbows will have to wait for a while unfortunately. Stopping drinking is only a very small part of recovery, most of it is unlearning behaviors and learning new coping skills and communication skills. And that takes a lot of time of they are doing it right.
My relationship was not good before my XRAH went to rehab so there is a little bit of difference between you and me but that said, 30 days is only the very tip of the iceberg, it is a drop in the bucket. It took my ex a good 6-7 weeks of inpatient rehab and lots of counseling during that time to finally see a lot of his ways and behaviors. My ex had been an alcoholic for close to 40 years with a few periods of sobriety but in a dry drunk kind of way,..he never sought treatment and was just white knuckling it and was still miserable except he no longer had his coping mechanism. So really it wasn’t much better. So in 30 days of rehab they don’t really accomplish that much when your rally think about it. Years of drinking and dysfunctional behavior doesn’t get fixed in 30 days. It takes a lot of time and effort to change his ways and to learn new healthy coping skills. In rehab he had support, nothing else to worry about as far as every day stuff. He was with people like him. And now he is home and probably feels lost, he is on his own now. What kind of treatment is he doing now that he is out? He should be doing at least 90 meeting in 90 days and probably also do intensive outpatient and individual counseling with someone that specializes in addiction. True recovery is very hard and a very selfish process. My ex went to rehab for 90 days and needed every minute of it. It probably would have taking him at least a year if not more had he only gone to rehab for one month to get where he was after 90 days, and even then he still had a lot of work to do. In a sense it is actually not a bad thing that he isn’t all over you and the relationship because his focus needs to really be on himself right now as hard as that is to understand and accept for you. He just underwent a huge and hopefully lasting life change, he can never touch alcohol again and that is VERY hard for them to accept. He needs to learn how to deal with stress and craving without resorting to alcohol and that is very hard. If he was all over you and the relationship you could argue that he is avoiding what he really needs to do to recover. True recovery takes a lot of time and energy. My ex admitted during marriage counseling at some point that it actually benefitted him that I was so distant and not interested in him once he came back from rehab because it forced him to focus on his recovery. It would have been very easy for us to fall right back into our codependent relationship if I had received him him with open arms.
If you are not already seeing a counselor yourself I would highly recommend it, also someone that is very familiar with addiction. Definitely check out alanon but counseling will help you a lot as well as you’d an focus on you 100%. Alanon is helpful to hear others stories and because you can relate to each other but it doesn’t give you much time to really work on yourself. So a combo of the two would be really good. In the past I always thought “if he just quit everything will be just fine”. Truth is, in order for him to stay clean he has to really change who he is, leant new behaviors. And you too more than likely will need to change (I know I did, i just did not know it before he went to rehab and I actually learned what addiction and codependency is really like). And sometimes the changes mean that people may no longer be compatible. Now you guys were in a good place relationship wise before he went from what you are saying whereas I was not at all. As hard as it is, be patient give him space and take that time to work on you. The first year of recovery is hard and he will (provided he will truly continue to work on himself and continue treatment ) continue to change a lot that first year. They always say to not make any big life changes that first year (so don’t divorce or get married or start a new relationship). At some point if he continues treatment you probably want to do marriage counseling as well. This is a huge life change for both of you and doing counseling together will probably be helpful (if you have a good counselor). Not necessarily because your marriage is in trouble (because it wasn’t before he went) but just to have someone help you navigate you two together. Alcoholics are not known to like to talk about their feelings and so it will take time for him to learn that which is why having a counselor will help.
I know this is a hard time for you and him. As hard as it is, do not take it personally. Learn all you can about alcoholism and recovery because it will help you understand more what is going on with him. And you can be there to support him but there is really nothing that you can do to help him, it is all 100% on him and I think that is hard for people to understand. Most of us want to help somehow but truth is we cannot, the alcoholic has to do it all him or herself. He needs his rehab buddies because they are the only ones who really understand what he is going through, he needs a sponsor etc.
I wish you lots of luck, it is a really tough time. but plenty of people do make it through with an intact relationship, but the puppies and rainbows will have to wait for a while unfortunately. Stopping drinking is only a very small part of recovery, most of it is unlearning behaviors and learning new coping skills and communication skills. And that takes a lot of time of they are doing it right.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,975
Originally Posted by dandylion
because early recovery period can be so miserable, that it would be more merciful for all parties...alcoholic and loved ones, alike....if the alcoholic spent the first year high in the mountains of Nepal....giving them time and space to work on their recovery.....and the loved ones a chance to work on their own healing, unimpeded.....
.
.
Lioness, I never went through this as I left my qualifier long before any kind of rehab was in the works but I've heard that this time just absolutely sucks.
Please get yourself all the support you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
Welcome Lioness
My relationship was not good before my XRAH went to rehab so there is a little bit of difference between you and me but that said, 30 days is only the very tip of the iceberg, it is a drop in the bucket. It took my ex a good 6-7 weeks of inpatient rehab and lots of counseling during that time to finally see a lot of his ways and behaviors. My ex had been an alcoholic for close to 40 years with a few periods of sobriety but in a dry drunk kind of way,..he never sought treatment and was just white knuckling it and was still miserable except he no longer had his coping mechanism. So really it wasn’t much better. So in 30 days of rehab they don’t really accomplish that much when your rally think about it. Years of drinking and dysfunctional behavior doesn’t get fixed in 30 days. It takes a lot of time and effort to change his ways and to learn new healthy coping skills. In rehab he had support, nothing else to worry about as far as every day stuff. He was with people like him. And now he is home and probably feels lost, he is on his own now. What kind of treatment is he doing now that he is out? He should be doing at least 90 meeting in 90 days and probably also do intensive outpatient and individual counseling with someone that specializes in addiction. True recovery is very hard and a very selfish process. My ex went to rehab for 90 days and needed every minute of it. It probably would have taking him at least a year if not more had he only gone to rehab for one month to get where he was after 90 days, and even then he still had a lot of work to do. In a sense it is actually not a bad thing that he isn’t all over you and the relationship because his focus needs to really be on himself right now as hard as that is to understand and accept for you. He just underwent a huge and hopefully lasting life change, he can never touch alcohol again and that is VERY hard for them to accept. He needs to learn how to deal with stress and craving without resorting to alcohol and that is very hard. If he was all over you and the relationship you could argue that he is avoiding what he really needs to do to recover. True recovery takes a lot of time and energy. My ex admitted during marriage counseling at some point that it actually benefitted him that I was so distant and not interested in him once he came back from rehab because it forced him to focus on his recovery. It would have been very easy for us to fall right back into our codependent relationship if I had received him him with open arms.
If you are not already seeing a counselor yourself I would highly recommend it, also someone that is very familiar with addiction. Definitely check out alanon but counseling will help you a lot as well as you’d an focus on you 100%. Alanon is helpful to hear others stories and because you can relate to each other but it doesn’t give you much time to really work on yourself. So a combo of the two would be really good. In the past I always thought “if he just quit everything will be just fine”. Truth is, in order for him to stay clean he has to really change who he is, leant new behaviors. And you too more than likely will need to change (I know I did, i just did not know it before he went to rehab and I actually learned what addiction and codependency is really like). And sometimes the changes mean that people may no longer be compatible. Now you guys were in a good place relationship wise before he went from what you are saying whereas I was not at all. As hard as it is, be patient give him space and take that time to work on you. The first year of recovery is hard and he will (provided he will truly continue to work on himself and continue treatment ) continue to change a lot that first year. They always say to not make any big life changes that first year (so don’t divorce or get married or start a new relationship). At some point if he continues treatment you probably want to do marriage counseling as well. This is a huge life change for both of you and doing counseling together will probably be helpful (if you have a good counselor). Not necessarily because your marriage is in trouble (because it wasn’t before he went) but just to have someone help you navigate you two together. Alcoholics are not known to like to talk about their feelings and so it will take time for him to learn that which is why having a counselor will help.
I know this is a hard time for you and him. As hard as it is, do not take it personally. Learn all you can about alcoholism and recovery because it will help you understand more what is going on with him. And you can be there to support him but there is really nothing that you can do to help him, it is all 100% on him and I think that is hard for people to understand. Most of us want to help somehow but truth is we cannot, the alcoholic has to do it all him or herself. He needs his rehab buddies because they are the only ones who really understand what he is going through, he needs a sponsor etc.
I wish you lots of luck, it is a really tough time. but plenty of people do make it through with an intact relationship, but the puppies and rainbows will have to wait for a while unfortunately. Stopping drinking is only a very small part of recovery, most of it is unlearning behaviors and learning new coping skills and communication skills. And that takes a lot of time of they are doing it right.
My relationship was not good before my XRAH went to rehab so there is a little bit of difference between you and me but that said, 30 days is only the very tip of the iceberg, it is a drop in the bucket. It took my ex a good 6-7 weeks of inpatient rehab and lots of counseling during that time to finally see a lot of his ways and behaviors. My ex had been an alcoholic for close to 40 years with a few periods of sobriety but in a dry drunk kind of way,..he never sought treatment and was just white knuckling it and was still miserable except he no longer had his coping mechanism. So really it wasn’t much better. So in 30 days of rehab they don’t really accomplish that much when your rally think about it. Years of drinking and dysfunctional behavior doesn’t get fixed in 30 days. It takes a lot of time and effort to change his ways and to learn new healthy coping skills. In rehab he had support, nothing else to worry about as far as every day stuff. He was with people like him. And now he is home and probably feels lost, he is on his own now. What kind of treatment is he doing now that he is out? He should be doing at least 90 meeting in 90 days and probably also do intensive outpatient and individual counseling with someone that specializes in addiction. True recovery is very hard and a very selfish process. My ex went to rehab for 90 days and needed every minute of it. It probably would have taking him at least a year if not more had he only gone to rehab for one month to get where he was after 90 days, and even then he still had a lot of work to do. In a sense it is actually not a bad thing that he isn’t all over you and the relationship because his focus needs to really be on himself right now as hard as that is to understand and accept for you. He just underwent a huge and hopefully lasting life change, he can never touch alcohol again and that is VERY hard for them to accept. He needs to learn how to deal with stress and craving without resorting to alcohol and that is very hard. If he was all over you and the relationship you could argue that he is avoiding what he really needs to do to recover. True recovery takes a lot of time and energy. My ex admitted during marriage counseling at some point that it actually benefitted him that I was so distant and not interested in him once he came back from rehab because it forced him to focus on his recovery. It would have been very easy for us to fall right back into our codependent relationship if I had received him him with open arms.
If you are not already seeing a counselor yourself I would highly recommend it, also someone that is very familiar with addiction. Definitely check out alanon but counseling will help you a lot as well as you’d an focus on you 100%. Alanon is helpful to hear others stories and because you can relate to each other but it doesn’t give you much time to really work on yourself. So a combo of the two would be really good. In the past I always thought “if he just quit everything will be just fine”. Truth is, in order for him to stay clean he has to really change who he is, leant new behaviors. And you too more than likely will need to change (I know I did, i just did not know it before he went to rehab and I actually learned what addiction and codependency is really like). And sometimes the changes mean that people may no longer be compatible. Now you guys were in a good place relationship wise before he went from what you are saying whereas I was not at all. As hard as it is, be patient give him space and take that time to work on you. The first year of recovery is hard and he will (provided he will truly continue to work on himself and continue treatment ) continue to change a lot that first year. They always say to not make any big life changes that first year (so don’t divorce or get married or start a new relationship). At some point if he continues treatment you probably want to do marriage counseling as well. This is a huge life change for both of you and doing counseling together will probably be helpful (if you have a good counselor). Not necessarily because your marriage is in trouble (because it wasn’t before he went) but just to have someone help you navigate you two together. Alcoholics are not known to like to talk about their feelings and so it will take time for him to learn that which is why having a counselor will help.
I know this is a hard time for you and him. As hard as it is, do not take it personally. Learn all you can about alcoholism and recovery because it will help you understand more what is going on with him. And you can be there to support him but there is really nothing that you can do to help him, it is all 100% on him and I think that is hard for people to understand. Most of us want to help somehow but truth is we cannot, the alcoholic has to do it all him or herself. He needs his rehab buddies because they are the only ones who really understand what he is going through, he needs a sponsor etc.
I wish you lots of luck, it is a really tough time. but plenty of people do make it through with an intact relationship, but the puppies and rainbows will have to wait for a while unfortunately. Stopping drinking is only a very small part of recovery, most of it is unlearning behaviors and learning new coping skills and communication skills. And that takes a lot of time of they are doing it right.
A lady at the Alanon meeting suggested I attend an AA meeting to maybe give me some perspective on how he's feeling and what he's going through.
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