Alcoholic bf finally went to rehab, met someone else… need advice
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 1
Alcoholic bf finally went to rehab, met someone else… need advice
Hello everyone,
I figure some of you may have experience with this.
I met my boyfriend two years ago (both around 30 y) We have so much in common and our love is the purest love I have ever found. Soon after meeting, I realized he was very sick with alcoholism. I stuck by his side and was the only person in his life that knew the extent of his problem. I encouraged him to get help along the way, and helped coordinate it, not realizing that it was not good of me to do. We were also long distance. We would fight, because I would always try to convince him to go home from bars and I always felt personally hurt by him drinking instead of calling me, even though logically that doesn’t make sense. Our relationship would be saved on the weekends, where we would come together and love each other as much as we could.
He hit rock bottom in February, when he started missing work. He is also a healthcare professional, so it was serious. He was completely out of control and I was so scared. He took medical leave and was asked by his employer to go to rehab. We went shopping together to get his rehab checklist. We cried together before he went. He said he needed to go to be a better man and for our future.
He went to rehab for six weeks. I was his emergency contact and I did all the intake survey and wrote a letter for use in his therapy, no one else was involved in his care except me. His counselor called me for four weeks in a row and then stopped suddenly, which I felt was because my bf removed me from his plan.
My bf called me during phone time twice a day in the beginning. He would tell me every second of his day, I could tell he was doing great. Four weeks in, I noticed he stopped talking to me as much. He would not call me during phone time. I felt anxious. I felt something had changed. I asked him about it and he said he just felt scared to leave rehab and wanted to focus on his time left there. Or would say he is feeling upset and didn’t want to talk. Then we would have a good call. It continued like that. Then I noticed he had been going on WhatsApp, which we never use. He was spending phone time on WhatsApp instead of calling me. I asked him to call and he was less interested in me. I asked if he had met someone, he denied it several times. I cried and told him I was scared I didn’t fit into his post recovery life, he told me I still fit.
Two days before he got out, I asked him to call me because there were only 10 minutes of phone time left. He told me he was unsure of our relationship and said he had wanted to break up for a while but didn’t know how. I was absolutely shocked. He told me he had to go but would call me the next day. When we talked again, I asked if he met someone. He told me he met a woman in rehab, who lives in another country but was doing rehab here and had recently been discharged. He said he was drawn to her and that he expressed feelings for her, and that she felt the same. He was entirely cold to me. Said he felt like he fell in love with her and has been talking to her on WhatsApp to check how she is doing since she left. He said it was emotional cheating and that he felt guilty, but nothing physical could happen because of the security.
We talked more after he was finally out of rehab. I told him that it sounded like a rehab romance, something that comes from the weird close emotional rehab environment. He agreed and said it’s because they were vulnerable and cried together, etc. but he also said he felt like he fell in love with her and that it was more than a rehab romance. he said he still has feelings for her and that he’s ashamed for having these feelings. He also said it made him feel guilty and question our relationship, because he thought “how can I fall in love with someone else when I am supposed to love you?” He also said our relationship was toxic and that I lost myself and that he wants me to be well again. It’s true, I did lose myself trying to help him, but I have been doing tons of therapy to get better while he has been away.
He told me he decided we should take a 30 day no contact break without addressing if we are seeing other people but said he wanted us to both recover from our illnesses (mine being codependency). I asked if he would still talk to the other woman, he said it’s possible but that he’s not “trying” to get into a relationship or anything this early in recovery. He told me he still loves me but that he is just “confused” and that we need this time to heal ourselves and hopefully come back together stronger.
Meanwhile… I’m trying to get through this no contact period. I can’t understand how someone I gave my whole heart to and supported through terrible times can be considering throwing me away. Our relationship was full of stress because of his drinking.. but it seemed like he was making it sound like I am a major part of the problem. I am left feeling quite devastated and I don’t know how to get through the next 3 weeks. He told me he isn’t going to make any promises or give any expectations on us being together again.
I’m scared I am losing the love of my life. I feel like the coed rehab put him in an impossible situation, which is so wrong. Im so sad. Im just hoping he comes to his senses.
Thank you for reading. Do you guys have any insight or similar experience?
I figure some of you may have experience with this.
I met my boyfriend two years ago (both around 30 y) We have so much in common and our love is the purest love I have ever found. Soon after meeting, I realized he was very sick with alcoholism. I stuck by his side and was the only person in his life that knew the extent of his problem. I encouraged him to get help along the way, and helped coordinate it, not realizing that it was not good of me to do. We were also long distance. We would fight, because I would always try to convince him to go home from bars and I always felt personally hurt by him drinking instead of calling me, even though logically that doesn’t make sense. Our relationship would be saved on the weekends, where we would come together and love each other as much as we could.
He hit rock bottom in February, when he started missing work. He is also a healthcare professional, so it was serious. He was completely out of control and I was so scared. He took medical leave and was asked by his employer to go to rehab. We went shopping together to get his rehab checklist. We cried together before he went. He said he needed to go to be a better man and for our future.
He went to rehab for six weeks. I was his emergency contact and I did all the intake survey and wrote a letter for use in his therapy, no one else was involved in his care except me. His counselor called me for four weeks in a row and then stopped suddenly, which I felt was because my bf removed me from his plan.
My bf called me during phone time twice a day in the beginning. He would tell me every second of his day, I could tell he was doing great. Four weeks in, I noticed he stopped talking to me as much. He would not call me during phone time. I felt anxious. I felt something had changed. I asked him about it and he said he just felt scared to leave rehab and wanted to focus on his time left there. Or would say he is feeling upset and didn’t want to talk. Then we would have a good call. It continued like that. Then I noticed he had been going on WhatsApp, which we never use. He was spending phone time on WhatsApp instead of calling me. I asked him to call and he was less interested in me. I asked if he had met someone, he denied it several times. I cried and told him I was scared I didn’t fit into his post recovery life, he told me I still fit.
Two days before he got out, I asked him to call me because there were only 10 minutes of phone time left. He told me he was unsure of our relationship and said he had wanted to break up for a while but didn’t know how. I was absolutely shocked. He told me he had to go but would call me the next day. When we talked again, I asked if he met someone. He told me he met a woman in rehab, who lives in another country but was doing rehab here and had recently been discharged. He said he was drawn to her and that he expressed feelings for her, and that she felt the same. He was entirely cold to me. Said he felt like he fell in love with her and has been talking to her on WhatsApp to check how she is doing since she left. He said it was emotional cheating and that he felt guilty, but nothing physical could happen because of the security.
We talked more after he was finally out of rehab. I told him that it sounded like a rehab romance, something that comes from the weird close emotional rehab environment. He agreed and said it’s because they were vulnerable and cried together, etc. but he also said he felt like he fell in love with her and that it was more than a rehab romance. he said he still has feelings for her and that he’s ashamed for having these feelings. He also said it made him feel guilty and question our relationship, because he thought “how can I fall in love with someone else when I am supposed to love you?” He also said our relationship was toxic and that I lost myself and that he wants me to be well again. It’s true, I did lose myself trying to help him, but I have been doing tons of therapy to get better while he has been away.
He told me he decided we should take a 30 day no contact break without addressing if we are seeing other people but said he wanted us to both recover from our illnesses (mine being codependency). I asked if he would still talk to the other woman, he said it’s possible but that he’s not “trying” to get into a relationship or anything this early in recovery. He told me he still loves me but that he is just “confused” and that we need this time to heal ourselves and hopefully come back together stronger.
Meanwhile… I’m trying to get through this no contact period. I can’t understand how someone I gave my whole heart to and supported through terrible times can be considering throwing me away. Our relationship was full of stress because of his drinking.. but it seemed like he was making it sound like I am a major part of the problem. I am left feeling quite devastated and I don’t know how to get through the next 3 weeks. He told me he isn’t going to make any promises or give any expectations on us being together again.
I’m scared I am losing the love of my life. I feel like the coed rehab put him in an impossible situation, which is so wrong. Im so sad. Im just hoping he comes to his senses.
Thank you for reading. Do you guys have any insight or similar experience?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Arrow, sorry for the situation that brings you here.
You ask for insight, I would encourage you to think very carefully how you want your life to be. Even if he does want to come back, do you want a person who treats you this way in your life. Just dropping you, would you ever be able to trust him again.
There have been several people on here lately sharing about rehab romances, perhaps if you read their posts, it might help you to see others in a similar position.
Often when addicts stop one addiction, they will transfer onto another one. A new relationship will give a high very similar to that of alcohol. So he has moved his addiction rather than quitting it.
I encourage you too focus on yourself, what you want and your well being.
You ask for insight, I would encourage you to think very carefully how you want your life to be. Even if he does want to come back, do you want a person who treats you this way in your life. Just dropping you, would you ever be able to trust him again.
There have been several people on here lately sharing about rehab romances, perhaps if you read their posts, it might help you to see others in a similar position.
Often when addicts stop one addiction, they will transfer onto another one. A new relationship will give a high very similar to that of alcohol. So he has moved his addiction rather than quitting it.
I encourage you too focus on yourself, what you want and your well being.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 29
I have noticed a lot of posts like this! A person stands by their partner through the stress of their alcoholism, helps with so many things, often times supporting them financially and emotionally while dealing with mood swings, verbal abuse, ghosting ..then the person decides to quit drinking and drops the non alcoholic at a drop of a hat! To me it shows how often the sober and giving one gets burned quite a bit for loving and caring and trying to help. It's very sad because you give so much of your love to someone who seems incapable of returning it, or it seems like to them it was very superficial.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I would recommend reading other people's threads that are similar as well.
Do you really deserve this? I don't think so...
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I would recommend reading other people's threads that are similar as well.
Do you really deserve this? I don't think so...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi arrow, yes unfortunately this does happen. Probably for the reasons your bf stated - you get a bunch of people who have been down a similar path (addiction) put them all together, they are vulnerable, they cry together, they talk for hours about what it's been like and what they hope for the future and they are in an insulated environment. It's kind of a recipe for it.
On the other hand, they are no longer in that environment, back to work, back to the real world. The difference with your bf might be that ms. rehab is in a different country now, so still not day to day life.
Will it last? Maybe, maybe not. But the question is, why are you waiting for him? At least at this point he is being honest with you, so that's something I guess (although he way lying before).
Early sobriety is a time of confusion and big changes. I don't think he's being truthful when he says he isn't looking for a new relationship - he's contradicting himself.
Could you ever trust him again? Maybe you shouldn't? Also, are you sure you want to wait? You don't have to, you don't have to live by his rules.
Yes, many give so much to try to help then end up not getting any "reward" - which no one should expect anyway - but I think it's because, prior to the person getting sober, the SO doesn't know much about addiction and how them getting sober could just turn everything on its head.
There is a book that is the most recommended book here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it really helpful.
I'm sorry you are hurt. I really hope you are questioning whether he is right for you (not just if he deems you are right for him).
On the other hand, they are no longer in that environment, back to work, back to the real world. The difference with your bf might be that ms. rehab is in a different country now, so still not day to day life.
Will it last? Maybe, maybe not. But the question is, why are you waiting for him? At least at this point he is being honest with you, so that's something I guess (although he way lying before).
Early sobriety is a time of confusion and big changes. I don't think he's being truthful when he says he isn't looking for a new relationship - he's contradicting himself.
Could you ever trust him again? Maybe you shouldn't? Also, are you sure you want to wait? You don't have to, you don't have to live by his rules.
Yes, many give so much to try to help then end up not getting any "reward" - which no one should expect anyway - but I think it's because, prior to the person getting sober, the SO doesn't know much about addiction and how them getting sober could just turn everything on its head.
There is a book that is the most recommended book here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it really helpful.
I'm sorry you are hurt. I really hope you are questioning whether he is right for you (not just if he deems you are right for him).
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