blue26

this is my second post on here and for anyone who reads this that hasn’t seen my first post, a quick summary is my boyfriend (20) of over 2 years who struggles with addiction and i (19) recently broke up. after all the lies and manipulation and cheating and verbal abuse, i told him we needed to take some space for him to work on his recovery and for me to not be around to enable him anymore.

just last week, he pushed me away and all of my support and said he didn’t want to change and chose the pills over me. we are now broken up and i’ve blocked him, haven’t texted or called in about 3 days.

but somehow, even though his number is blocked on my phone, one of his texts came through on my laptop today. he was asking if we could have a conversation at some point in the near future, and that he has a lot he wants to tell me.
i’ve been wishing i could talk to him as well, but everyone’s saying no contact is the best way to go.

but i caved and accepted his facetime call. i told myself i’ll hear him out on whatever he has to say but that doesn’t change the pain i’ve been feeling.

the call connected and he was sitting in bed crying. apparently he got into a fight yesterday and broke his hand, over the past few days he’s lost hundreds of dollars buying pills and then his mom finds them and flushes them. he started begging me for a second chance, said he’d never treat me the way he’s treated me ever again, he won’t talk or do anything with other girls that aren’t me. he said he finally understands why i stepped back and realizes he needs and wants to change.

he asked me if i’d be happier without him and i told him the truth, i said no i wouldn’t be happier without you but i wouldn’t be hurt anymore.
- of course i’m not happy without him, i wish i could still be with him, but at least now i’m not in his direct line of hurting me. he can’t yell at me if we don’t talk. he can’t cheat on me if we aren’t together anymore. so i won’t be hurt, but that doesn’t mean i’m happier.

even if everything he did to me was influenced because of the drugs he was on at the time, it still hurts like hell and of course i’m worried about it happening again if i stay with him ... even if he’s promising it won’t. he said he’s ready to change now that he’s lost everything but he went and bought xanax again just last night.

when i asked him about that, he said “i wasn’t itching for them, i just wanted them to get you out of my mind.” because he hasn’t been able to stop thinking of me.

but still, i don’t know what to think. i still love him and i always will, i wish i could give him another chance after all of this but i really don’t know what is right anymore. i think a lot of people who are or have been in my situation are scared of their significant other changing for someone else, when all we wanted was for them to change for us.
that’s what really scares me, even if it’s unlikely to happen.

Ariesagain

Oh, sweetie. He’s calling you because he broke his hand and his mother flushes his pills and he spent all his money on pills and you might be persuaded to enable him again. His words don’t match his actions, do they? He’s buying Xanax...but that’s supposedly okay because?

That’s horse **** and you know it.

You’re nineteen. Nineteen. Everything in the world is open to you. Why would you waste another minute of it being exploited by this man?

blue26

Thank you so much for reading and responding.. but, yes that’s what I was thinking ! His words never match his actions and especially what you quoted. There’s no way he goes from buying Xanax 24 hours ago to suddenly claiming he wants to change today..

Daisybelle

Hi Blue, I can only reiterate what Ariesagain has said. It's definitely horse**** and it won't change, You're worth so much more, block him on everything and run for the hills.
Sending you lots of love and a big, gentle hug. xxx

edoering

Even if he does want to stop using, the recovery journey is a really hard one. You can see from many stories on here people who have very hard breakups while their loved one is in rehab, or painful stories of brutal withdrawal, or “surprise” breakups after rehab, relapses, broken promises, a change in substance use but not a change in behaviors or attitudes—and recovery is a lifelong journey and commitment. Do you really want to sign up for that?

My partner didn’t really understand how serious the journey would be when he started (and I DEFINITELY didn’t understand it when I started dating him), he just knew he had to change. And he still relapsed six years later after beginning to believe he didn’t have to work as hard at staying clean. I don’t know if anyone can really comprehend the magnitude of the lifelong commitment of recovery at the start, we just have to choose it anyway and try. But even if he stops using, it won’t get easier anytime soon.

If he is still using, you are still dealing with someone in active addiction. Which means lying and denial and manipulation (even if he’s not necessarily aware he’s doing it). For instance, saying he “wasn’t itching for it, he only did it to forget you” sounds an awful lot like manipulation to me. A healthy person would not blame you for being the reason he chooses to pick up more pills. Because it’s absolutely NOT your fault he took more Xanax, it’s on him. He may truly be feeling awful right now because you are setting boundaries and possibly his mother/family are also, but that doesn’t mean he’s actually changing. If he can get you and other people he loves to come back and take care of him, then you may be surprised to find him going right back to his usual patterns.

I don’t really have any advice, but just please be careful! It’s so easy to see the pain/tears and mistake it for remorse or that he’s “learned his lesson.” But the proof is in the pudding, ie his actions more than his words. Most 12-step programs don’t recommend individuals get into relationships until they have at least a year of working on themselves and being clean and sober.

I recommend reading “The Stages of Change” https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-...ges-of-change/ and being really honest with yourself on where he is in this process. Has he shown real change in his actions? Or just his words? And of course, take care of yourself first and foremost!

Ariesagain

One more thing... I wish I could go back in time and sit the 19-year-old me down and explain how love isn’t a bunch of words, it’s a bunch of actions. It might have saved me a decade or so of heartache.

As women we are so brainwashed by Disney and commercials and romcoms into thinking that if someone says they love you, that’s all that matters. That brainwashing means that way too many of us can be manipulated and abused just because someone says the magic words.

Here’s your first post:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...boyfriend.html (new, broke up with drug addict boyfriend)

Read it like your best friend wrote it about her boyfriend. Wouldn’t you be screaming at her to RUN???

RUN. Please. The only thing that lies down his road is more of the same.

velma929

"...he said he’s ready to change now that he’s lost everything but he went and bought xanax again just last night.

when i asked him about that, he said “i wasn’t itching for them, i just wanted them to get you out of my mind.” because he hasn’t been able to stop thinking of me."

So, drugs are still the way he chooses to deal with problems.

This is the man he is, today. Is that good enough for you? Is this the life you want to live, forever?

trailmix

Hi blue. Well my immediate reaction is the same as what Aries said, except I was going to say bull**** instead.

This is absolutely him being totally selfish. He's probably upset, he lost his gf, his Mom flushed his pills and he broke his hand, who, besides you, would listen to that sad tale? Probably no one.

So he can't un-break his hand, however he can attempt to get you back and get some more pills. People who are serious about quitting drugs do not go and buy them. He is just saying what what he knows you want and may well be what he wants too - but he is no where near that.

If there is any hope of a reconciliation, if in fact you are interested in that at all, it would be wise to wait until he has had at least a year of sobriety and treatment before that.

You are wise, I know you know this. It can be tempting but just know you will be going back to exactly what you left.

PeacefulWater12

You deserve so much better than this rubbish. He is trying to reel you back in!

blue26

Thank you so much for responding. You’re absolutely right, a healthy person would not blame me for the reason he chose to get more pills. I think
he is feeling awful right now because the people in his life are setting boundaries and he’s trying to get us back. But if he does get me back, I feel that almost sends the wrong message, like the boundaries I’m working so hard on setting are being broken, and his usual patterns will come back. - I read the link you shared with me and being 100% honest, I don’t think he is even at stage 2 yet..

Ariesagain

You’re one smart cookie. Listen to your instincts, because they’re dead on.

I wasn’t half that smart at your age! Yet another excellent reason not to waste your potential on his addiction.

Wish him well in your mind, turn, and walk on. Your future is bright.

blue26

Thank you so much ... I’ve read all of your responses and I did go back and read my first post as if it was my best friend’s story. I would be telling her to run. It’s just all so messy .. also, it really helps to hear someone is saying my instincts are dead on so thank you

Ariesagain

I hope you’ll keep posting if you need support, start to second-guess yourself, or just want to vent. I doubt he’ll go away that easily unless he’s already hooked in one of the women he cheated on you with, which wouldn’t be a surprise. He’ll do to her what he did to you, so don’t let that change your mind.

trailmix

You really are one wise cookie.

These might help too:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)

Yes, please keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

blue26

Wow, thank you so much for those links, I read through both of them and they both hit very close to home ..
I will definitely keep posting on here, it’s helping me so much already.

FallenAngelina

One thing you can know for absolute certainty is that he will do hurtful things again - and again and again. He will. Unless he chooses to commit to an active, ongoing recovery program (not just a rehab stint or lone-wolf stabs at abstinence,) he will slip back into very hurtful behaviors. He will because the addiction is in control and addiction makes addicts do terribly hurtful things - again and again and again. You're worried about it happening again for good reason. If you get back together and he is not in an ongoing, full time recovery program, deeply hurtful things will happen again.

blue26

He isn't in an ongoing, full time recovery program and I'm honestly not sure if he ever will be. I would love for him to be because I think at this point that is what he needs ... after 2 rehab stays, withdrawing in the hospital, a week in impatient after cracking his head open while high, none of that has helped. None of it has scared him into changing for the better. Sorry for ranting a bit there, but I think you're right. I think for right now the smartest thing is for me to stay away from him ... even though that is very hard and very scary.

FallenAngelina

I was back and forth with my own similar situation for years, so am offering this suggestion from being perfectly imperfect about going no contact:

It was torture and sporadically effective for me to just go cold turkey on the no-contact, trying to be "rational" with only well meaning friends to support my resolve. What finally worked for me was to stop white-knuckling and to get myself into a program in which I was able to explore for myself why this relationship was such a struggle for me - without people telling me what to do - getting better able to listen to my own inner voice about what I was and was not ready to do. I found that instead of struggling and trying not to think of him, it was much more fruitful to focus on my own deeper questions. Why did I feel fear when we were apart? Why did I feel an uncontrollable attraction to this man? Why did I find him so alluring? What was actually quite wonderful and good about being with him? What had brought me to his doorstep to begin with? I found that just getting away from the addict was the first step, much like getting sober for alcoholics. I found that there was so very much more to getting healthy than simply going no-contact. I found that getting healthy was so much easier and much more fulfilling a process when in the company of others who are doing the same - again, much the same process as an alcoholic who is in recovery. That's what has been working for me.

blue26

hi aries, i was re-reading all my threads and everyone’s posts because they’ve helped me so much. i accidentally posted this thread under friends and family of alcoholics, instead of substance abusers ... but i came across this post of yours again and since then it’s gotten so crazy i felt the need to tell you.
you said you doubt he’d go away that easily unless he’s already hooked in one of the women he’s cheated on me with, well guess what! he’s hooked in 2 more women, both abuse substances just like him. he’s back in rehab currently and is asking one of them to “wait for him” for when he gets out, but has been calling me as well from the rehab facility asking for me back. he’s saying one thing to her, and the opposite to me. the man i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with is currently playing me and a girl he just met and hooked up with a week ago, to see which one he can get. it’s as if he’s planning to have both of us in a couple months once he’s back home. i told him i can no longer be with him, and to stop calling me, but we’ll see how long it takes for him to try calling again. i’m not sure if you’ll ever see this post of mine but i needed to tell you. it’s almost laughable at this point what he’s doing. i wish the best for him and pray he’s able to get better but when i told him that, he said “F you” and hung up.
hilarious.

Ariesagain

Yikes. Well, in a way I’m sorry to be right, because I know it still hurts, but if this is what liberates you from that mess once and for all, I’m happy this has happened and you can get on with your one and precious life.

Wishing you the best, always…