Devastated and NEED some kind words and advice!
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Join Date: May 2018
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Devastated and NEED some kind words and advice!
Hello everyone. This is not my first post here and so much has changed since I last visited this forum. I say that, and yet nothing has changed.
For those new to the story, I am engaged now, we’ve been together about 2 1/2 years. He proposed on Valentines day.
I mentioned in my last post how he became addicted to Suboxone and it caused the same selfish, illegal and manipulating and lying behavior that he had since the beginning of our relationship. This made no sense, since I was helping him to pay for it (yes, I KNOW that was enabling!) but I will never wrap my head around his reasons to lie about if/how much he’s using, especially when I know he’s using it! For anyone not reading my initial post, he claimed he was using it to “stay off pills”…so much for that.
I had an accident at work last year that resulted in total knee replacement. It could have waited (I’m only 47!) but because of his debts, both due to gambling and drug addiction, I was forced to take a lump sum settlement and have the surgery sooner than I wanted. He was still on Suboxone at that time but what did he do? The day I got home from the hospital I was sick as could be. Instead of holding my hair back and comforting me, he stole my Oxycodone. Not all, he left me a few. Kind of him, right? Then he got back on track with the Suboxone.
Long story short, he promised to taper off the Suboxone. After about 200 failed attempts, he finally had to a few weeks ago because his supplier dried up and I was about ready to walk. He could have gotten back on Oxy, but instead CHOSE to get clean. For US, for his 3 girls from a previous marriage, for HIM. I helped him through every step of the withdrawals and he made it 12 days clean.
By Day 13 the physical withdrawals had passed, but the anxiety and depression kicked in. So instead of finding a meeting, he left. He told me he just needed some air and was going to his sister’s house. I knew he was going to use, she is an addict and if it weren’t for her helping him to relapse, he would still be clean. He told me he needed time to figure things out, but I knew that was an excuse. So he stayed away all night with her, using. He has never spent the night away from me before. I was devastated.
He came home Thursday this week with Oxy in his pocket. I tried to convince him to throw them away, and that his relapse didn’t have to become a full time addiction again. He refused. He stayed until today, primarily because I asked him to. I was hoping that I could reason with him about rehab, meetings and such. I think he also stayed because his sister ran dry and couldn’t get him anything).
She told him Monday she’d come through, so he decided to move in with her. Once again, I have no clue how long. He was honest, he said he wants to use and figure out what’s going on in his head. None of that makes me feel any better, though. While he’s off using and “finding himself” I am lost, confused and I really don’t understand what is going on.
I should also add that during our many arguments about his drug use, I told him that if we did split I would give him money from my settlement for my knee replacement. Dear Lord I know I shouldn’t have, but I did. He took it with him when he relapsed Wednesday of last week and blew $500 on himself and his sister. He took the remainder with him today, and I don’t expect to see it again. I did make him sign a legal loan document for the money he owes me, but I’m still hurt. He claims he will be back, he just needs to straighten his mind out. I told him he didn’t need to go to an addict’s house to do that, and that we could go to therapy. He said he wants to, but not yet. He wants to “use” for a bit and do some soul searching.
So here I sit. He packed some of his things and left earlier. No car, no job, just what he has left of my $5k. Initially it was intended for housing/transportation if we ended our relationship, but clearly it’s not going for that. I know I’ll see it again but it doesn’t make things any easier to swallow.
I do love him. We had a marriage date set, he is my partner and my best friend. I am not sure he will return and if he does, if he will get the help he needs to fix himself and all of the trust issues he’s caused over the years. I just really don’t know what to do about anything. He walked out telling me he was sorry and that I am the love of his life and that this is just a “break” and that the engagement is still on, but I have no clue what to think. He is an incredibly sweet man, with a lot of mental issues (inherited by his mother) and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I do believe he loves me, but I know the addiction will always love feeding his selfishness more.
So now, I’m alone again. My second night ever without him, with probably more to come. I do not understand any of what’s going on, how can someone that loves you just take your money and leave you, while claiming he still wants a relationship with you? His addict sister and their roach infested trailer aren’t the therapy he needs, but he’d rather be with her right now. His ex-wife is furious because he hasn’t taken his children in a month come this weekend, and he cannot see them where he’s staying now. There’s no place for them.
Any feedback is appreciated ,I don’t care how blunt. As long as it’s honest. God knows the last thing I need are any more lies. Does anyone have any light to shed on this mess or words to help me through this?
Thank you in advance, sorry about the long read.
For those new to the story, I am engaged now, we’ve been together about 2 1/2 years. He proposed on Valentines day.
I mentioned in my last post how he became addicted to Suboxone and it caused the same selfish, illegal and manipulating and lying behavior that he had since the beginning of our relationship. This made no sense, since I was helping him to pay for it (yes, I KNOW that was enabling!) but I will never wrap my head around his reasons to lie about if/how much he’s using, especially when I know he’s using it! For anyone not reading my initial post, he claimed he was using it to “stay off pills”…so much for that.
I had an accident at work last year that resulted in total knee replacement. It could have waited (I’m only 47!) but because of his debts, both due to gambling and drug addiction, I was forced to take a lump sum settlement and have the surgery sooner than I wanted. He was still on Suboxone at that time but what did he do? The day I got home from the hospital I was sick as could be. Instead of holding my hair back and comforting me, he stole my Oxycodone. Not all, he left me a few. Kind of him, right? Then he got back on track with the Suboxone.
Long story short, he promised to taper off the Suboxone. After about 200 failed attempts, he finally had to a few weeks ago because his supplier dried up and I was about ready to walk. He could have gotten back on Oxy, but instead CHOSE to get clean. For US, for his 3 girls from a previous marriage, for HIM. I helped him through every step of the withdrawals and he made it 12 days clean.
By Day 13 the physical withdrawals had passed, but the anxiety and depression kicked in. So instead of finding a meeting, he left. He told me he just needed some air and was going to his sister’s house. I knew he was going to use, she is an addict and if it weren’t for her helping him to relapse, he would still be clean. He told me he needed time to figure things out, but I knew that was an excuse. So he stayed away all night with her, using. He has never spent the night away from me before. I was devastated.
He came home Thursday this week with Oxy in his pocket. I tried to convince him to throw them away, and that his relapse didn’t have to become a full time addiction again. He refused. He stayed until today, primarily because I asked him to. I was hoping that I could reason with him about rehab, meetings and such. I think he also stayed because his sister ran dry and couldn’t get him anything).
She told him Monday she’d come through, so he decided to move in with her. Once again, I have no clue how long. He was honest, he said he wants to use and figure out what’s going on in his head. None of that makes me feel any better, though. While he’s off using and “finding himself” I am lost, confused and I really don’t understand what is going on.
I should also add that during our many arguments about his drug use, I told him that if we did split I would give him money from my settlement for my knee replacement. Dear Lord I know I shouldn’t have, but I did. He took it with him when he relapsed Wednesday of last week and blew $500 on himself and his sister. He took the remainder with him today, and I don’t expect to see it again. I did make him sign a legal loan document for the money he owes me, but I’m still hurt. He claims he will be back, he just needs to straighten his mind out. I told him he didn’t need to go to an addict’s house to do that, and that we could go to therapy. He said he wants to, but not yet. He wants to “use” for a bit and do some soul searching.
So here I sit. He packed some of his things and left earlier. No car, no job, just what he has left of my $5k. Initially it was intended for housing/transportation if we ended our relationship, but clearly it’s not going for that. I know I’ll see it again but it doesn’t make things any easier to swallow.
I do love him. We had a marriage date set, he is my partner and my best friend. I am not sure he will return and if he does, if he will get the help he needs to fix himself and all of the trust issues he’s caused over the years. I just really don’t know what to do about anything. He walked out telling me he was sorry and that I am the love of his life and that this is just a “break” and that the engagement is still on, but I have no clue what to think. He is an incredibly sweet man, with a lot of mental issues (inherited by his mother) and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I do believe he loves me, but I know the addiction will always love feeding his selfishness more.
So now, I’m alone again. My second night ever without him, with probably more to come. I do not understand any of what’s going on, how can someone that loves you just take your money and leave you, while claiming he still wants a relationship with you? His addict sister and their roach infested trailer aren’t the therapy he needs, but he’d rather be with her right now. His ex-wife is furious because he hasn’t taken his children in a month come this weekend, and he cannot see them where he’s staying now. There’s no place for them.
Any feedback is appreciated ,I don’t care how blunt. As long as it’s honest. God knows the last thing I need are any more lies. Does anyone have any light to shed on this mess or words to help me through this?
Thank you in advance, sorry about the long read.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
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If it were me in your situation, I would break off the engagement and call it a lesson learned. As long as he's using, he's only thinking of himself. No good can come of it. I'd suggest you let him go and make a good life for yourself without his drama and lies.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Is it normal to feel so used and worthless right now? I look at my life and wonder how can another person destroy someone they love? I know it's the addiction at the root but it's left me feeling hopeless. His addiction has become my obsession and I feel absolutely insane because of it some time. I feel like if someone like HIM cannot treasure me, that maybe I really am just that horrible and destined to be alone.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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I mentioned in my last post how he became addicted to Suboxone and it caused the same selfish, illegal and manipulating and lying behavior that he had since the beginning of our relationship.
when people show you who they are....believe them. he has been doing the same stunts, pulling the same crap the entire length of your relationship. he is not doing anything different today. you handed an active addict who has repeatedly lied to you about his drug use and consumption $5,000!?? and you are surprised he took the money and ran out the door?
your worth is not based upon this man, or anyone else's opinion or perceived opinion of you. you don't have to buy love, pay for love, give any more than your smile and your presence to be loved. don't be a resource. you are a beautiful person just by breathing.
when people show you who they are....believe them. he has been doing the same stunts, pulling the same crap the entire length of your relationship. he is not doing anything different today. you handed an active addict who has repeatedly lied to you about his drug use and consumption $5,000!?? and you are surprised he took the money and ran out the door?
your worth is not based upon this man, or anyone else's opinion or perceived opinion of you. you don't have to buy love, pay for love, give any more than your smile and your presence to be loved. don't be a resource. you are a beautiful person just by breathing.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
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I feel like if someone like HIM cannot treasure me, that maybe I really am just that horrible and destined to be alone.
He cannot treasure you because he doesn't even love himself. I have been in your shoes, engaged to an alcoholic, only mine was actively dying. I gave everything I had, and then I gave some more. When he died I was left completely broke, alone, and ashamed that I wasted 4 years of my life loving someone who was incapable of even loving himself.
Move forward, if this is meant to be, he will return sober, healthy, and ready to treasure you. If not, trust that it wasn't in your best interest. The universe has a way of providing what we need, allow that to happen. Bless you...
He cannot treasure you because he doesn't even love himself. I have been in your shoes, engaged to an alcoholic, only mine was actively dying. I gave everything I had, and then I gave some more. When he died I was left completely broke, alone, and ashamed that I wasted 4 years of my life loving someone who was incapable of even loving himself.
Move forward, if this is meant to be, he will return sober, healthy, and ready to treasure you. If not, trust that it wasn't in your best interest. The universe has a way of providing what we need, allow that to happen. Bless you...
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Join Date: May 2018
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I thank you all for your words. I am just feeling extremely vulnerable right now. Especially when he's telling me things like "the engagement is still on" and he just needs a break. I know I shouldn't be surprised about him taking the money. It just really hurts because he CAN be a great person, and I never imagined he would stoop so low because I can see that person in there struggling.
For what it's worth, before I he took it I made him sign a legal, notarized document for a loan agreement, and if it isn't paid under state law I can and will take him to court to obtain it in any way possible. He's got a worker's comp settlement coming and everything was put in there word for word. So the money isn't really an issue for me as much as I never imagined him doing such a thing while thinking it's ok to leave me dangling like a yo-yo. He's never done anything like this before, especially leaving, and I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I understand relapse is not something I can control, nor is the addiction. But the sweet, beautiful heart I have is having trouble accepting it.
I plan on getting therapy, regardless of what happens I know I'm going to need it. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly trust another person again, no matter how good they may be to me because of the damage he's done. I pray therapy can change that so in time I can live the normal life I've been seeking for so long.
For what it's worth, before I he took it I made him sign a legal, notarized document for a loan agreement, and if it isn't paid under state law I can and will take him to court to obtain it in any way possible. He's got a worker's comp settlement coming and everything was put in there word for word. So the money isn't really an issue for me as much as I never imagined him doing such a thing while thinking it's ok to leave me dangling like a yo-yo. He's never done anything like this before, especially leaving, and I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I understand relapse is not something I can control, nor is the addiction. But the sweet, beautiful heart I have is having trouble accepting it.
I plan on getting therapy, regardless of what happens I know I'm going to need it. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly trust another person again, no matter how good they may be to me because of the damage he's done. I pray therapy can change that so in time I can live the normal life I've been seeking for so long.
RIP Sweet Suki
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PLEASE do not marry this man. You will be in for a lifetime of misery. He is an active addict who has no plans of changing. Also, I hope you understand you will never see that $5,000 regardless of your "loan agreement."
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
PLEASE do not marry this man. You will be in for a lifetime of misery. He is an active addict who has no plans of changing. Also, I hope you understand you will never see that $5,000 regardless of your "loan agreement."
Meanwhile, his 3 kids are suffering. I may understand that it's the addiction that causes the selfish, entitled behavior but they do not. Like I said, he hasn't taken them for visitation in almost a month and they could never understand why. They are old enough (almost) to understand that he uses, one of them does actually know, but could never comprehend why he neglects them as a result. He "tries" to be a good father to them, but since the divorce he's been absent a lot with the exception of a day here and there. At least while we were together he got to take them every other weekend, now he's got no place to visit with them. It really sucks all around.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Sorry for your situation Katerina.
First things first, it's so important that you have support and that you learn more about addiction. Knowledge is power.
Do you have any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings that you can attend? Face to face support would be really helpful. What about family and friends are there people you talk to?
What he is saying is that he wants to use. He doesn't have a problem with his using, you do.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and absolutely cannot Cure it. No matter how good your intentions are.
There is a ton of knowledge and wisdom on this site. You might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You might also find these articles helpful.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Most importantly, keep coming back and keep on posting. You posted in May of last year and then didn't return. Trying to deal with this without perspective is guaranteed to keep you stuck. If he turns back up after spending all the money, don't be too quick to allow him back in to your life so things can go back to "normal". There is nothing normal about this, you deserve so much better.
First things first, it's so important that you have support and that you learn more about addiction. Knowledge is power.
Do you have any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings that you can attend? Face to face support would be really helpful. What about family and friends are there people you talk to?
What he is saying is that he wants to use. He doesn't have a problem with his using, you do.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and absolutely cannot Cure it. No matter how good your intentions are.
There is a ton of knowledge and wisdom on this site. You might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You might also find these articles helpful.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Most importantly, keep coming back and keep on posting. You posted in May of last year and then didn't return. Trying to deal with this without perspective is guaranteed to keep you stuck. If he turns back up after spending all the money, don't be too quick to allow him back in to your life so things can go back to "normal". There is nothing normal about this, you deserve so much better.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You're engaged to this person?! I can only imagine the hold he has on you if you still see a life with him after the disaster of your relationship so far. I know that's easy for me to say, because you love him, but I promise you love can't fix this.
He's an addict, he's taken your money (I'm certain the piece of paper means nothing to him, even if you think it will stick), he lies, he promises, and he leaves you to use as much as he can.
I suggest you start making a list of what he says and promises, and in another column what he has done. It will become very obvious.
You are in for some misery. It can be strung out through remaining in the relationship, or short and sharp by ending it and going no contact.
He's an addict, he's taken your money (I'm certain the piece of paper means nothing to him, even if you think it will stick), he lies, he promises, and he leaves you to use as much as he can.
I suggest you start making a list of what he says and promises, and in another column what he has done. It will become very obvious.
You are in for some misery. It can be strung out through remaining in the relationship, or short and sharp by ending it and going no contact.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Katerina1072
. Especially when he's telling me things like "the engagement is still on" and he just needs a break.
let him have his break-away from you.
you arent powerful enough to get an addict to stop and/or change.
best move ANYONE made that was around me when i was in active addiction/alcoholism was to walk away from me. walk away or get dragged down with me.
reads like youve allowed yourself to get dragged down pretty far.
are you ready and willing to take care of YOU now?
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Thank you all. I did a LOT of thinking last night as I was unable to sleep. Everything everyone has been saying is 100% spot on, and I know this in my head. I wish my heart would catch up with the news, lol.
I have to see him Wednesday because he still has things here. He didn't take everything on his little soul searching mission (let's be real, it's a selfish vacation!) so he's coming by. I plan on talking in depth, to let him know I can no longer do this.
I'm not giving ultimatums, I know they have never worked. I'm simply (and calmly) going to lay things out for him. I am not going to sound like a broken record anymore, begging and pleading for him to see what he's done. He knows what he's doing and all he can say is sorry. I told him "sorry" means nothing if you're still doing what you're doing, actions speak louder than any words.
I just found out he cannot stay long at his sister's house so it's definitely time for he and I to have THAT conversation. I've dreaded it, but I gain more clarity every moment he's out living like a teenager on my dime, up playing video games like a kid while I'm here suffering, holding down the house and trying to hold myself together.
I have to see him Wednesday because he still has things here. He didn't take everything on his little soul searching mission (let's be real, it's a selfish vacation!) so he's coming by. I plan on talking in depth, to let him know I can no longer do this.
I'm not giving ultimatums, I know they have never worked. I'm simply (and calmly) going to lay things out for him. I am not going to sound like a broken record anymore, begging and pleading for him to see what he's done. He knows what he's doing and all he can say is sorry. I told him "sorry" means nothing if you're still doing what you're doing, actions speak louder than any words.
I just found out he cannot stay long at his sister's house so it's definitely time for he and I to have THAT conversation. I've dreaded it, but I gain more clarity every moment he's out living like a teenager on my dime, up playing video games like a kid while I'm here suffering, holding down the house and trying to hold myself together.
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Question for you all:
If he chose to seek to get clean, obviously that rehab would need to be followed by therapy. What kind of therapist would you suggest from someone that has an extremely addictive personality, and never outgrew his adolescence? In his head he is still a 20 year old, and while he may want the comfort of a partner to take care of him, the home, the bills, etc....he still wants to be able to come and go as he pleases doing whatever he wants, regardless of consequence. He's addicted to money, gambling, drugs, and (although it sounds odd) ...himself. He has a lot of mental issues, this stems from early childhood, quite possibly inherited by his mother. There's a large history of mental illness in her family, including addiction. He's seen therapists before for his behavior, gotten medication but never took it correctly.
What type(s) of therapists would you recommend to not only conquer his addiction after rehab (if he ever goes) but also to help him grow up and live a normal life? I wish I could say it was just addiction that causes him to lie, but it's not. Even his parents informed me he has been this way long before the gambling/drug addictions. It's like a child that never grew up....
If he chose to seek to get clean, obviously that rehab would need to be followed by therapy. What kind of therapist would you suggest from someone that has an extremely addictive personality, and never outgrew his adolescence? In his head he is still a 20 year old, and while he may want the comfort of a partner to take care of him, the home, the bills, etc....he still wants to be able to come and go as he pleases doing whatever he wants, regardless of consequence. He's addicted to money, gambling, drugs, and (although it sounds odd) ...himself. He has a lot of mental issues, this stems from early childhood, quite possibly inherited by his mother. There's a large history of mental illness in her family, including addiction. He's seen therapists before for his behavior, gotten medication but never took it correctly.
What type(s) of therapists would you recommend to not only conquer his addiction after rehab (if he ever goes) but also to help him grow up and live a normal life? I wish I could say it was just addiction that causes him to lie, but it's not. Even his parents informed me he has been this way long before the gambling/drug addictions. It's like a child that never grew up....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Katerina, please know I say this kindly, but I would take the focus off of him completely - you have zero control over him and/or his addiction.
It is up to him to find help, not up to you (and it looks like he's not looking for help right now).
This is what we call magical thinking here. You are so far in this you may not really be seeing what's going on.
There is no engagement, there is no real relationship here. His first love is drugs and that's where he is right now. If you try to come between him and that love of drugs you see where it gets you (alone).
You can either accept him exactly the way he is, or end it, those are kind of your only two choices. Trying to be the maestro of his life is again, a complete waste of your time. He may well act like a 20 year old but you are not his Mother or his caretaker and do you want to be really? I am 100 percent sure you have better things to do with your time.
Do you attend therapy? Instead of focusing on getting him help, why not focus on getting help for yourself. You are the only person you can control, that's where your answers are.
If you do decide to go down that path and "I'm simply (and calmly) going to lay things out for him" - I'm guessing you are hoping to lay out treatment options. Again, that's probably a complete waste of your time.
He needs to take care of his own own life. As long as you are providing everything, why on earth would he. The drugs are running both your lives, is that the best thing to have in charge of your life?
It is up to him to find help, not up to you (and it looks like he's not looking for help right now).
This is what we call magical thinking here. You are so far in this you may not really be seeing what's going on.
There is no engagement, there is no real relationship here. His first love is drugs and that's where he is right now. If you try to come between him and that love of drugs you see where it gets you (alone).
You can either accept him exactly the way he is, or end it, those are kind of your only two choices. Trying to be the maestro of his life is again, a complete waste of your time. He may well act like a 20 year old but you are not his Mother or his caretaker and do you want to be really? I am 100 percent sure you have better things to do with your time.
Do you attend therapy? Instead of focusing on getting him help, why not focus on getting help for yourself. You are the only person you can control, that's where your answers are.
If you do decide to go down that path and "I'm simply (and calmly) going to lay things out for him" - I'm guessing you are hoping to lay out treatment options. Again, that's probably a complete waste of your time.
He needs to take care of his own own life. As long as you are providing everything, why on earth would he. The drugs are running both your lives, is that the best thing to have in charge of your life?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Katerina1072
Question for you all:
If he chose to seek to get clean, obviously that rehab would need to be followed by therapy. What kind of therapist would you suggest from someone that has an extremely addictive personality, and never outgrew his adolescence? .
If he chose to seek to get clean, obviously that rehab would need to be followed by therapy. What kind of therapist would you suggest from someone that has an extremely addictive personality, and never outgrew his adolescence? .
this here reads like youre already lining up to take care of HIS life IF he chooses to get help.
not your circus not your monkey.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Thank you, Trailmix for the honesty.
Yes, I do plan on getting therapy. I'm meeting a friend for dinner and she's giving me her therapists number. To be honest, I don't even know what type of therapist I'm looking for.
When I said I'd lay things out for him, I guess I was thinking along the lines of boundaries, should he decide he wants to return. Things such as no more drug use in my home (which is why he's taking his "vacation", no more money being used/given towards his addiction (my settlement, or his comp checks...he would be told his comp checks are 100% going towards his share of the home) ..so not a penny to his name.
His ex-wife did this in the past, and he admitted it resulted in drastic measures. He would steal everything in the house to sell, her jewelry, her credit cards, you name it. Sometimes the only reason I suspect he has not done those things to me is because I have been an enabler. But he knows I will not tolerate that kind of BS. He may have done a lot over these years but stealing isn't something I could ever permit. I'd have him out of the house without a cent that day, and that's a promise I know I will never back down from.
So again, I think I'm looking towards boundaries should I even allow him to return. I don't know if they work (if enforced) but it's something I've read a lot about on these forums and elsewhere? In the end it may result in the same split, he just needs to learn until then that I am not the same woman he left when he took off to get his fix. I'm done crying, I just don't have it in me anymore.
Edit: I'm reading what I just typed and even I think I sound like a hopeless idiot. Like someone who can fix anyone, and I know that isn't the case with addiction. Shame on me.
Yes, I do plan on getting therapy. I'm meeting a friend for dinner and she's giving me her therapists number. To be honest, I don't even know what type of therapist I'm looking for.
When I said I'd lay things out for him, I guess I was thinking along the lines of boundaries, should he decide he wants to return. Things such as no more drug use in my home (which is why he's taking his "vacation", no more money being used/given towards his addiction (my settlement, or his comp checks...he would be told his comp checks are 100% going towards his share of the home) ..so not a penny to his name.
His ex-wife did this in the past, and he admitted it resulted in drastic measures. He would steal everything in the house to sell, her jewelry, her credit cards, you name it. Sometimes the only reason I suspect he has not done those things to me is because I have been an enabler. But he knows I will not tolerate that kind of BS. He may have done a lot over these years but stealing isn't something I could ever permit. I'd have him out of the house without a cent that day, and that's a promise I know I will never back down from.
So again, I think I'm looking towards boundaries should I even allow him to return. I don't know if they work (if enforced) but it's something I've read a lot about on these forums and elsewhere? In the end it may result in the same split, he just needs to learn until then that I am not the same woman he left when he took off to get his fix. I'm done crying, I just don't have it in me anymore.
Edit: I'm reading what I just typed and even I think I sound like a hopeless idiot. Like someone who can fix anyone, and I know that isn't the case with addiction. Shame on me.
Last edited by Katerina1072; 04-09-2019 at 11:28 AM. Reason: Addition
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi Katrina. Sorry for what brings you here.
I think you might have rules and boundaries a little mixed up.
Telling him he cant do drugs in your house is a rule, not a boundary.
Telling him he has to hand over his whole check is a rule, not a boundary.
Rules are to be enforced on other people and they never really work... especially with an addict, as his exwife found out...and has you have seen yourself.
A boundary is a "rule" you set for yourself. Examples would be:
-I will not allow active addicts in my life.
-I will not allow drug use in my home.
-I will not shoulder all financial burdens, if other adults share my home they will contribute their share.
-If a thief steals from me I will involve the law
-I will not maintain relationships with dishonest people
-I will not allow people to disrespect my boundaries.....
Good luck, I know this is tough stuff. It hurts and it sucks. I've been there. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
I think you might have rules and boundaries a little mixed up.
Telling him he cant do drugs in your house is a rule, not a boundary.
Telling him he has to hand over his whole check is a rule, not a boundary.
Rules are to be enforced on other people and they never really work... especially with an addict, as his exwife found out...and has you have seen yourself.
A boundary is a "rule" you set for yourself. Examples would be:
-I will not allow active addicts in my life.
-I will not allow drug use in my home.
-I will not shoulder all financial burdens, if other adults share my home they will contribute their share.
-If a thief steals from me I will involve the law
-I will not maintain relationships with dishonest people
-I will not allow people to disrespect my boundaries.....
Good luck, I know this is tough stuff. It hurts and it sucks. I've been there. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
No shame at all, you are not an idiot Katerina. You are thinking now, he has been gone for a few hours and you are starting to come out of the fog - Fear, obligation, guilt.
These things are all misplaced feelings and they hurt! They hurt you. Now that is aside from all the other hurts you have endured in this "relationship".
He is not even in his right mind. He is an addict looking for his next fix. If he has stolen before he absolutely would steal from you without a second thought (in my opinion).
I'm guessing his ex didn't tolerate it either (which is part of the reason why she is an ex).
"He is an incredibly sweet man, with a lot of mental issues"
You are at home crying, has he contacted you to apologize and say what an ass he is being and ask for forgiveness? He's not that sweet. He has just taken your money and run off to his Sister's - calling out behind him that the engagement is still on.
Those are not the actions of a "sweet" person, those are the actions of an addict. He has no car he has no job so I guess normally you are supporting him.
Frankly, I wouldn't talk to him . You really might want to consider going no contact for a while so you can think about this. Doesn't matter if his Sister can't have him at the roach motel - not your problem or as tomsteve so aptly put it - not your monkey, not your circus.
Do you want to be a caregiver for a pill addict that sponges off you, takes off on you at the drop of the hat when he can get some drugs with YOUR money.
From the little you have posted you seem like a really nice, kind person, why on earth are you sharing that with him? You are better than this, you deserve happiness in your life.
I wouldn't worry about boundaries or rules at this point. If you feel you must give him a chance ask him to contact you when he has a year sober and you can have a discussion then, that's your best bet. For you, you might want to check for a therapist with experience in addictions and codependency.
These things are all misplaced feelings and they hurt! They hurt you. Now that is aside from all the other hurts you have endured in this "relationship".
He is not even in his right mind. He is an addict looking for his next fix. If he has stolen before he absolutely would steal from you without a second thought (in my opinion).
I'm guessing his ex didn't tolerate it either (which is part of the reason why she is an ex).
"He is an incredibly sweet man, with a lot of mental issues"
You are at home crying, has he contacted you to apologize and say what an ass he is being and ask for forgiveness? He's not that sweet. He has just taken your money and run off to his Sister's - calling out behind him that the engagement is still on.
Those are not the actions of a "sweet" person, those are the actions of an addict. He has no car he has no job so I guess normally you are supporting him.
Frankly, I wouldn't talk to him . You really might want to consider going no contact for a while so you can think about this. Doesn't matter if his Sister can't have him at the roach motel - not your problem or as tomsteve so aptly put it - not your monkey, not your circus.
Do you want to be a caregiver for a pill addict that sponges off you, takes off on you at the drop of the hat when he can get some drugs with YOUR money.
From the little you have posted you seem like a really nice, kind person, why on earth are you sharing that with him? You are better than this, you deserve happiness in your life.
I wouldn't worry about boundaries or rules at this point. If you feel you must give him a chance ask him to contact you when he has a year sober and you can have a discussion then, that's your best bet. For you, you might want to check for a therapist with experience in addictions and codependency.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Again, thank you all. Just talking with you helps to put things into perspective, and that was hard to do with him here, always playing the victim.
Smallbutmighty, you are absolutely correct and I am grateful for the clarification. You're right, there was some confusion there and you've helped me see things in a new light.
Smallbutmighty, you are absolutely correct and I am grateful for the clarification. You're right, there was some confusion there and you've helped me see things in a new light.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Katerina, you might find this thread helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ion-leave.html (Struggling with decision to leave)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ion-leave.html (Struggling with decision to leave)
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