My ex has died
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: North of the UK (one of the cold bits)
Posts: 672
Hi sweetichick - I can empathise with this totally. My ex husband passed away last year, (I was wife number 3 out of 4). He died from smoking, imbibing too many drugs and enough Jack Daniels to float a boat. I heard it on the grapevine and attended his funeral. I found it bitterweet - bitter because he could have done so much more and sweet because at least one of us had the good sense to turn their lives around in time.
I'm sorry for your loss as, at least for me, it still hurts. You can't discount years with somebody "just like that". Please PM me if you feel that you'd like to talk about it hun.
Much love Yix x
I'm sorry for your loss as, at least for me, it still hurts. You can't discount years with somebody "just like that". Please PM me if you feel that you'd like to talk about it hun.
Much love Yix x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
All I will say is first condolences. I went no contact with my alcoholic ex husband in 2009, he died in 2017. We divorced in 09 after 8 years. I then spent another 8 years hating him.
I wish to heck I had been sober when I found out he died, I really wish I didn't use alcohol to cope. I had a ton of resentments that boiled over once he was dead and set off a over a year of hell for me, until by the grace of God I got sober. Took maybe three months then to let it all go.
Today I am in a great place, happy, I don't cry for him or feel bad for him, he was offered the gift of sobriety time and time again, he refused. I thank God every day I took it and cling on with both hands. I hold onto the good memories of the marriage, but they are in that part of my mind where all the good memories of past relationships hang out. Bad memories I banish. Sobriety helped me do that.
I wish to heck I had been sober when I found out he died, I really wish I didn't use alcohol to cope. I had a ton of resentments that boiled over once he was dead and set off a over a year of hell for me, until by the grace of God I got sober. Took maybe three months then to let it all go.
Today I am in a great place, happy, I don't cry for him or feel bad for him, he was offered the gift of sobriety time and time again, he refused. I thank God every day I took it and cling on with both hands. I hold onto the good memories of the marriage, but they are in that part of my mind where all the good memories of past relationships hang out. Bad memories I banish. Sobriety helped me do that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Death is scary. And I think maybe it makes us think of our own mortality....what that means? What am I doing with my life? It just causes a lot of existential crisis. My parents are at the end of the line. I have been taking care of them for a couple weeks at a time. It is really sad. Difficult. Especially seeing my mother so powerless. She was always the 'strong' one. But if I can help them leave this world with dignity that is a gift. I try to focus on that.
If I've read all your posts correctly I believe this person had a very negative effect on your life? If I have that wrong I'm sorry.
Is this possibly a final close on a chapter in your life that kept you in the past?
Maybe there are some messages for your in his death?
Maybe its time to start living SC. Let go of the past and move forward.
I hope you are doing better physically.
If I've read all your posts correctly I believe this person had a very negative effect on your life? If I have that wrong I'm sorry.
Is this possibly a final close on a chapter in your life that kept you in the past?
Maybe there are some messages for your in his death?
Maybe its time to start living SC. Let go of the past and move forward.
I hope you are doing better physically.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Sweetchick,
You sound like you are not sure how to deal with the shock of the news. I can imagine the irony of calling to check in on someone shortly after their passing and wishing you had picked up the phone earlier. Your first post says" "that's all there is to say." You posted shortly after that. I think thou dost protest too much. As much as you want that to be all there is to say, I suspect you have a lot to say. When you are ready, this is a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings about this. Get it all out sweetie!
You sound like you are not sure how to deal with the shock of the news. I can imagine the irony of calling to check in on someone shortly after their passing and wishing you had picked up the phone earlier. Your first post says" "that's all there is to say." You posted shortly after that. I think thou dost protest too much. As much as you want that to be all there is to say, I suspect you have a lot to say. When you are ready, this is a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings about this. Get it all out sweetie!
Please take care of yourself!
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by sweetichick 
It's horrible phoning someone to see how they are and they don't answer because theyare dead .
Now, put down the drink and smoke and let your feelings take their natural progression. We're here if you need to vent.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Sorry he died. Death is never easy to go through.
That is no excuse to drink. That is no excuse to not move forward with your life.
To be blunt, you had issues with him for a long time, you relapsed over him for a long time, there was so much drama there. DO good by all that and get better. Be better, don't follow him to the grave, that would be the biggest mistake of your life. Take this as a life lesson, we are all no closer to the grave than the next person, choosing to live the best life is a choice and a damn good one!
My prayer for you for the day is to START to recover, get off the excuse cycle and start to live a life free of addiction. free from drama and enjoy the HAPPINESS sobriety has to offer. You are worth it
That is no excuse to drink. That is no excuse to not move forward with your life.
To be blunt, you had issues with him for a long time, you relapsed over him for a long time, there was so much drama there. DO good by all that and get better. Be better, don't follow him to the grave, that would be the biggest mistake of your life. Take this as a life lesson, we are all no closer to the grave than the next person, choosing to live the best life is a choice and a damn good one!
My prayer for you for the day is to START to recover, get off the excuse cycle and start to live a life free of addiction. free from drama and enjoy the HAPPINESS sobriety has to offer. You are worth it
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm sorry for your grief. My guess is there were a lot of unresolved issues to do with him before he died. Now he's gone, but you can still resolve those issues that need to be resolved within yourself.
Please share more when you feel like it. As someone wrote, this is safe place to let it out. You know drinking isn't going to resolve the issues....it will just delay it.
Please share more when you feel like it. As someone wrote, this is safe place to let it out. You know drinking isn't going to resolve the issues....it will just delay it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
Thanks everyone for your words of support. There was a lot of unresolved issues with him. I think I am just in a state of shock. He has 4 wives. One is dead from alcoholism. At least the first had the decency to contact me. It was just so sudden. He always looked so healthy. I guess cancer can creep up to anyone. I feel sorry for his children step child and associated family. I was just a trouble making blotch to his second and fourth wives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
((sweetchick)) I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure you are in a state of shock.
Please do take care of yourself. We care about your well being.
You can share your thoughts here. It always helps to talk things out rather than keep your feelings bottled up.
Please do take care of yourself. We care about your well being.
You can share your thoughts here. It always helps to talk things out rather than keep your feelings bottled up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by sweetichick
Thanks everyone for your words of support. There was a lot of unresolved issues with him. I think I am just in a state of shock. He has 4 wives. One is dead from alcoholism. At least the first had the decency to contact me. It was just so sudden. He always looked so healthy. I guess cancer can creep up to anyone. I feel sorry for his children step child and associated family. I was just a trouble making blotch to his second and fourth wives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by sweetichick
I was just a trouble making blotch to his second and fourth wives.
Sorry for your loss sweetie. Please, do draw a line under the drinking though. You know it is resolving nothing, just stopping you process your emotions and thoughts so you can grieve properly. Plenty of people here have got through deaths of loved ones in sobriety, and they're here to support you to do the same.
Wouldn't it be nice to rock up to his funeral and pay respectful respects, sober and dignified?
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