imaj79

I am struggling so bad today. I really want to leave my marriage with my AH. I am just feeling so low. I have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday, but I don’t know if I can get wait that long. To top it all off, today is our anniversary so it’s really awkward. 😢

dandylion

imaj…...the following website is educational, in nature...and, it is arranged by state! It may help you to organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask, when you see your attorney....


www.womansdivorce.com

Lostinthismess

Breathe, you may have been this uncomfortable before and made it through. Knowing that you want to leave and that you’re taking steps to do so is amazing. You’re going after what you need to do, be proud of yourself. I found there never was a good time to leave but there also was never a good time for him to get drunk but he didn’t care so why should I. It took me too long to get to that point.

FeelingGreat

Hi imaj, sorry you feel this way. Can you pinpoint exactly why you feel so bad today, maybe breaking it down by writing it, going down through the layers? That helps me a lot. Of course the whole situation will get you down over the next period.
Waiting is hard. Is there something you can do in the meanwhile like making a to do list, or getting all your documents together and scanning them? Anything you can do for your legal appointment will save you money and keep you busy.
Do forget a walk in the sun helps too.

teatreeoil007

Sorry you are having a bad day, friend. Good advice given already. I don't have much to add except keep your goal in sight. I can understand how awkward this is for you on your anniversary of all days. Hang in there....

Mango212

I'm glad you're here. (((hugs)))

imaj79

Thank you all for the kind words. Is it really crucial that I wait until I talk to an attorney to say anything to him?

Flavia2

Yes, please wait till you speak with an attorney. Who knows how he will react? The attorney will have good information and advice about how to proceed.

My dad completely cleared out all of the savings/checking accounts when he left. Just an example of what can happen when your STBXH finds out its over.

Be safe. ((((Hugs)))

FeelingGreat

All bets are off regarding money once they know you've decided to leave. I'm not saying be unfair, but make sure you secure what's yours, or what you need to pay the bills and keep things going. Be hard headed and strong, and don't kid yourself that if you're nice and reasonable he will be.

imaj79

I am trying to wait but it’s really hard! We had our anniversary this weekend, now next weekend is His birthday now! Uggg.... it seems like there is always something.

dandylion

imaj…..can you verbalize what is the hard(est) part about the waiting...…
Is it anticipating what his reaction will be...?

imaj79

Dandylion- yes, I feel like that is part of it for sure and just like it’s been very hard the past few days to pretend like everything is ok and I’m sick of waking up with a knot in my stomach, etc

imaj79

Also, I’m pretty sure he can sense that something is not right and I’m thinking he’s probably going to ask me, then I don’t know what to say.

qtpi

I listened to Wilson Phillips- HOLD ON_ song again and again before I left. I had to keep it secret or XAH would have hidden assets. He moved money as soon as I left- but because I filed for divorce first- I got my share.

hopeful4

Sending you huge hugs and prayers for comfort and patience!

atalose

YES

I think you need to get your expectations in order and that can only happen after your attorney has answered all of your questions, gone over the divorce process in your state, explained what your rights are in regards to living arrangements, medical, marital assets, spousal support, etc. but most of all the attorney cannot begin to do anything for you until you pay them a retainer.

Mango212

It doesn't need to be a divorce talk to get room to breath.

Your mental health is important. It's okay to take a break from the stress for a few days or a week. It's okay to say, "I'm really angry about your drinking. I'm going to take a week away."

What do you have for support in your recovery from this family disease of alcoholism? Counseling, therapy and Alanon have been great resources for me.

imaj79

He has been asking me questions all morning and asking if I’m still in love with him, etc. he wants to talk tonight...

Mango - I have been attending counseling and it has really been an eye opener to see how much this has affected me over the years. My family and actually his (mom and sister) as well, are very supportive.

CarryOn

I agree with Mango...can you just ask for some time to yourself? Yes, these are special events that are happening, but what in his actions show that he wants to celebrate them with you? You said your anniversary just passed but not if you did anything to acknowledge it.

You posted this a few months back:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...eady-done.html (Feeling strongly that I’m ready to be done)

I know your child was hurt and it postponed you moving forward with the attorney, but have you started any planning for yourself? Maybe preparing your documents and researching divorce in your state will help pass the time and keep you from feeling you need to say something before you are ready.

Only you can tell if it is worthwhile to say something to your AH or not. I did, but I was in control of our finances, could support myself and our home without him, he was not physically abusive and I'd had enough practice detaching and had the tools to deal with any words he threw at me. There was very little he could do to cause issues for me, and frankly, my XAH was just plain lazy at that point.

Focus on each moment you are in and just keep doing the next right thing for you and the attorney meeting will be here before you know it.

Mango212

Re-direction of focus can also help. Clearing out physical clutter can be mentally freeing.

Just because my husband wants to talk, doesn't mean I need to engage. "I'm cleaning." "I'm going for a walk." "No. I don't want to talk right now." are okay to say.