teatreeoil007

It's likely his addiction has really taken a toll on you. You need to take care of yourself. It's okay to have some time for yourself. He's going to be looking for some validation, but you are not obligated to give it. Take care of you...you're worth it. Sending hugs.

imaj79

Thank you again everyone. Yeah,I feel like he is in real denial that I am contemplating leaving. He has also asked me what’s for dinner tonight and then said this to do a taper schedule.
“We will make a written schedule out of my drinking tonight that way I got to stick with it if it's written down”

Really??! What is this “we” stuff??

trailmix

That's what I was thinking when I read that.

How did you get dragged in to scheduling of drinking?

imaj79

[/QUOTE]
How did you get dragged in to scheduling of drinking?[/QUOTE]

That is what I’m wondering!!?? The problem is, is that I have been doing everything in the home and enabling him to no do anything. I now get how wrong that has been. He has no clue how to do anything on his own really.

imaj79

Well surprise surprise, the talk didn’t happen and neither did then”schedule”. I did not bring either up.

Also he texted me his Morning after he went to work and said what do I need to do to make you happy or is it too late?

dandylion

imaj…..he already knows what it will take. don't let him kid you. He is trying to drag you into the pool, so that he will be able to blame you for any and all results.

He is responsible for his sobriety..or not...because it all come from the inside of him.
The fact that he wants a schedule for drinking, shows that he is still holding onto the fondest dream of every alcoholic...to be able to drink normally...like non alcoholics. There cannot be even one drink for the alcoholic. He still has a lot to learn, that you cannot be the one to teach him....
However, AA will be happy to receive him and teach him all that he needs to know....

I think that, sooner or later, you will have to get honest with him and tell him the truth...that you cannot and, will not live with alcoholism in your life......

trailmix

I think dandylion hit the nail on the head here. You can both dance around this for a while, but it is getting you nowhere.

"What do I need to make you happy"

That sounds like kind of a self-serving question. How does a person even answer that? Do you make a numbered list, write an essay? Just say "stop drinking"?

An indication of where your relationship is at is your Husband texting you about the state of it. You should be able to sit down and talk about that (of course).

I don't see that as enabling. Things have to get done, that's just the way it is. Whether that's picking clothes up off the floor or laundry or emptying the dishwasher or making an appointment for an oil change.

At some point, if someone is not participating you start picking up all jobs. Now you could just ignore them but how long does that go on for and how complicated and miserable does that make your life?

These are just things grown up people do and if he's not, well you don't have to take on the responsibility of teaching him, just my opinion. I personally find it much easier, when I want something done to just do it. I'm not holding a lot of resentment about it - I am just doing things on MY timetable, not waiting for anyone else to do anything.

If they choose to participate, all the better.

Now, whether or not that works for YOU, that's the only question really.

Did you speak with a lawyer?

imaj79

Trailmix and Dandylion- I totally agree with everything you said. I have not answered that question at all because it’s not about him making me happy it’s about what I need to do to make myself happy at this point. He is making a huge effort to be chatty with me and it’s seriously getting in my nerves. He hasn’t been like that for the past year. It is too little too late for me.

I have not seen the lawyer yet. My appointment is tomorrow morning.

imaj79

Well I saw the layer this morning, it was really good getting some information. I want to go ahead with the divorce, it’s just getting the nerve up to tell him. I really don’t know how he will react.
In the meantime, he is pulling out all the stops, he is doing things around the house that he hasn’t done in years and should have been doing all along and making sure to point it out. This morning he said again “I will do whatever it takes to make you happy with me I love you and you're pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me (along with our son).” It is just too little too late for me.

trailmix

So glad you went to talk to a lawyer, i'm sure it's empowering.

We see this time and again don't we. The spouse/partner puts up with the drinking and all that goes along with it for years. They start to detach to maintain some semblance of their sanity and peace.

They seek outside help, they see that they deserve more. They look at the relationship from a different viewpoint.

Then BAM, the spouse/partner starts stepping up to the plate. Too little to late, yes. That ship has sailed.

It must be confusing for the alcoholic partner as well I think. For years they are told they need to STOP DRINKING. Then they do and expect everything will just be kosher, not mindful of the damage they do along the way.

dandylion

imaj…….my first husband did the same thing...and, he wasn't even an alcoholic!

Bur, I knew that for myself I had to leave that marriage.....for about a month he cried, and tried to be thoughtful...even bought me a present. (that man had never shown me any thoughtfulness or genuine k indess)…..

I just KNEW that I didn't have it in me to go through any more unhappiness with him. When I didn't relent.....his temporary kindness vanished.
He, eventually, remarried...which was a relief for me...lol.
That was sooo long ago....and I have never regretted that decision. And, I hear by the grapevine that he has not changed one single bit....
My life has been a good one, since then....

FeelingGreat

Has he stopped drinking right now? Because he knows what the problem is and what he has to do. Not saying that if he became sober tomorrow you would have any obligation to stay.

'Whatever it takes' are words, not actions.

As for telling him; make all your arrangements first.

CarryOn

Agree with the other posters - very typical behavior. He knows or at least senses something is up so he is going to make an effort for awhile to "make you happy". In reality, he is doing what he thinks will satisfy you so he can keep his comfortable situation and keep doing whatever he wants.

So glad you had your meeting with the attorney and sounds like it gave you some clarity.

imaj79

He is now suspicious that there is someone else because this happened so quick and, donwe really have to do this, why can’t you give me one more chance....it’s been rough

dandylion

imaj….when do you think, after talking to the lawyer, will be the time to tell him?

imaj79

Oops, I forgot to leave out the part that said that I told him I wanted a divorce last Thursday. I was away for the weekend so this all happened when I got back today. I ended up leaving the house with my son because he started drinking vodka and I don’t want to be around that and I don’t want my son to be around it either.

Then he actually told me that he was worried about our son being affected by the divorce and that it was my decision and one that I would have to live with. But yet he is not concerned with him being around his drinking.

dandylion

imaj...well, at least the part that you were dreading so much is over with!
It is pretty standard for practicing alcoholic to shift all responsibility onto any where else.....

imaj79

So he has not gone to work since I told him...3 days now. If he doesn’t start going we will lose our house before we can even get it sold! 😩

dandylion

imaj…...when I told my first husband that I h ad actually filed for separation....he took some time off from work...and he had an iron-clad work ethic. If he is anything like my husband was---then he probably didn't expect you to ever take definitive action. And....it blows a hole in the side of their denial...and, denial is what keeps them "safe"...….keeps their world together in a twisted kind of way....

Wouldn't it be a good idea to get the ball rolling and sell the house now...if you see real danger in losing it...? Maybe, a call to a real estate attorney....?


I am re-posting this link for you.....


www.womansdivorce.com

imaj79

Dandylion- he i is definitely feeling sorry for himself right now, he is not understanding why am doing this. I mentioned that I have the initial paperwork for him to sign to start the divorce process and he was like “geez you are in a hurry huh”. I said well it’s going to happen so why not get going on it. I am wanting to get moved out and get the house cleaned up to get it sold. But he is saying he has nowhere to go.

How do I get over his comments that just bring me down and make me feel like crap?? I was in a good mood until that phone call.