Feeling strongly that I’m ready to be done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
Feeling strongly that I’m ready to be done
Hi All,
I am the spouse of an active alcoholic. I won’t go into my long story. (I wrote - thread about a year ago about how he had went to rehab and had relapsed as soon as he got home). So basically nothing has changed and I am really feeling strongly that I am ready to leave the marriage. I am just struggling with my next steps. Just wondering if anyone could give me any insight. I am struggling with how it will be for our son (he’s 10) and our dogs who are also like kids to us. Thanks to anyone willing to respond and everyone who has had the courage to share their stories as well.
I am the spouse of an active alcoholic. I won’t go into my long story. (I wrote - thread about a year ago about how he had went to rehab and had relapsed as soon as he got home). So basically nothing has changed and I am really feeling strongly that I am ready to leave the marriage. I am just struggling with my next steps. Just wondering if anyone could give me any insight. I am struggling with how it will be for our son (he’s 10) and our dogs who are also like kids to us. Thanks to anyone willing to respond and everyone who has had the courage to share their stories as well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
imaj....did you know that you can read the back stories of everyone who has posted a thread here, on SR? There are thousands and thousands of stories, the same as yours, here.....
First...look at the name on the left hand side of the post....and click on it
Then...from the drop-down bar---click on "all previous threads".....
Then, you will be able to read everything that they have ever posted.....
I am giving you the following link that might help you to get your thoughts organized. It is educational in nature. Not intended to replace your own lawyer....And, it is organized according to state......
www.womansdivorce.com
First...look at the name on the left hand side of the post....and click on it
Then...from the drop-down bar---click on "all previous threads".....
Then, you will be able to read everything that they have ever posted.....
I am giving you the following link that might help you to get your thoughts organized. It is educational in nature. Not intended to replace your own lawyer....And, it is organized according to state......
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
dandylion - Thank you so much for the link!
I will check it out. I did know about finding old posts. That is why I wrote that I had posted a thread about it previously in case anyone wished to look it up and read the back story. I have only posted a few times so it shouldn’t be hard to find. 🙂
I will check it out. I did know about finding old posts. That is why I wrote that I had posted a thread about it previously in case anyone wished to look it up and read the back story. I have only posted a few times so it shouldn’t be hard to find. 🙂
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
I am just looking for some guidance on what steps others took once they decided they were done and if anyone could recommend what my first steps should be. We own a home (that is not in the greatest shape to sell unfortunately), we have 16 years of joint stuff we have accumulated and we have 3 dogs. I just feel like it’s all so overwhelming. 😢. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I don’t have any children, so I cannot speak to that which will be one of your primary concerns...custody, visitation, support, etc.
I spoke to two attorneys, one for a more traditional divorce (I.e. in court) and one for collaborative divorce. I researched the types of divorce in my state. I used the collobarative attorney. Most attorneys will do an initial consult for free, and you may want to meet a few to find one that you like.
I put together a list of all our assets, debts, and things I wanted spelled out in the divorce. I had a separate list of all our physical possessions. I went through each list and determined what I wanted to see happen. I was able to review this with my AXH, and basically come to agreement. It was very fair as we essentially split everything 50/50, except I kept our dogs.
My divorce was relatively simple & easy; we actually did a no contest where I had my lawyer review everything, draw up the decree, he reviewed ( could have consulted an attorney), and filed. One brief court appearance for me, he waived his right to appear, and we were done.
My therapist was key for me before, during and after. A book I got came highly recommended...”The Good Karma Divorce” by (Judge) Michelle Lowrence. It helped to keep my focus on the end goal...a calm & peaceful home life for me and our dogs.
I was very fortunate that it was all relatively simple for me, but I think the attorney consults, and really examining what I needed and wanted helped. All my best to you, your son and your dogs. It’s another club I never wanted to join, but I’m definitely happier on the other side.
I spoke to two attorneys, one for a more traditional divorce (I.e. in court) and one for collaborative divorce. I researched the types of divorce in my state. I used the collobarative attorney. Most attorneys will do an initial consult for free, and you may want to meet a few to find one that you like.
I put together a list of all our assets, debts, and things I wanted spelled out in the divorce. I had a separate list of all our physical possessions. I went through each list and determined what I wanted to see happen. I was able to review this with my AXH, and basically come to agreement. It was very fair as we essentially split everything 50/50, except I kept our dogs.
My divorce was relatively simple & easy; we actually did a no contest where I had my lawyer review everything, draw up the decree, he reviewed ( could have consulted an attorney), and filed. One brief court appearance for me, he waived his right to appear, and we were done.
My therapist was key for me before, during and after. A book I got came highly recommended...”The Good Karma Divorce” by (Judge) Michelle Lowrence. It helped to keep my focus on the end goal...a calm & peaceful home life for me and our dogs.
I was very fortunate that it was all relatively simple for me, but I think the attorney consults, and really examining what I needed and wanted helped. All my best to you, your son and your dogs. It’s another club I never wanted to join, but I’m definitely happier on the other side.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
—I got away from him. I moved in with my mom short term. She gave me a lot of support.
—I took care of myself. Counseling, Al Anon, reading, journaling. Do not skip this step.
—I got a lawyer. A woman. She walked me through the process. Her job was to be sure I got my fair share.
—AH and I were able to make a list of what we each wanted, we compromised, we worked it out between us before going to court. This saves a ton of money if you are able to do that.
—we both agreed to make the kids’ well-being our top priority. I’m lucky that we could agree on that.
—At first he badmouthed me to the kids because I was the one who wanted out. In Oregon it is illegal for one parent to attempt to hurt the children’s love for the other parent—I said if it ever happened again I would call the police. I meant it. He stopped.
—he wanted the house so he bought out my half, I used the cash as down payment on my own little house, which I love.
That was it for me. The whole thing took about 5 months, I think. I am glad I did it and have never regretted my decision.
—I took care of myself. Counseling, Al Anon, reading, journaling. Do not skip this step.
—I got a lawyer. A woman. She walked me through the process. Her job was to be sure I got my fair share.
—AH and I were able to make a list of what we each wanted, we compromised, we worked it out between us before going to court. This saves a ton of money if you are able to do that.
—we both agreed to make the kids’ well-being our top priority. I’m lucky that we could agree on that.
—At first he badmouthed me to the kids because I was the one who wanted out. In Oregon it is illegal for one parent to attempt to hurt the children’s love for the other parent—I said if it ever happened again I would call the police. I meant it. He stopped.
—he wanted the house so he bought out my half, I used the cash as down payment on my own little house, which I love.
That was it for me. The whole thing took about 5 months, I think. I am glad I did it and have never regretted my decision.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I left my husband (non A) but it sort of evolved rather than a big break. A few points:
- get your finances sorted in advance. Protect yourself without being unfair. If you have shared bills or rent think about how this will be handled in the future.
- who will move out, and the logistics. The cost of moving.
- how you will tell him. Make sure all your ducks are in a row first.
- legal advice; should have put this first.
- family support. Who can you rely on? Who will side with him? His parents as grandparents. Be prepared for them to turn against you or not be supportive. That's just what families do, so expect it.
- be careful about when to tell him. Often the gloves are off once a partner decides to leave. Keep this in mind.
I know I'm not addressing the emotional side, but being in the rough and tumble of a breakup and having to also work out logistics is tough and may cause hasty decisions, which is why I suggest planning.
- get your finances sorted in advance. Protect yourself without being unfair. If you have shared bills or rent think about how this will be handled in the future.
- who will move out, and the logistics. The cost of moving.
- how you will tell him. Make sure all your ducks are in a row first.
- legal advice; should have put this first.
- family support. Who can you rely on? Who will side with him? His parents as grandparents. Be prepared for them to turn against you or not be supportive. That's just what families do, so expect it.
- be careful about when to tell him. Often the gloves are off once a partner decides to leave. Keep this in mind.
I know I'm not addressing the emotional side, but being in the rough and tumble of a breakup and having to also work out logistics is tough and may cause hasty decisions, which is why I suggest planning.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
imaj......here is an idea...that I don't think has been touched on, yet....
I really get the part about having years of collected stuff in a house. That part can be overwhelming to think of...lol...
Since Spring is upon us...it might be good to "pretend" that you have decided that the house needs a good spring clean out...and announce that you are getting rid of clutter and stuff that no longer serves any function.....(that way, it doesn't give away your plan).....
Start going through each part of the house and donate...donate...donate...or sell...maybe, have yard sales....sell online.....send some to the junkyard......
Here is the thing...this part is so much more time consuming than one ever thinks it is...and, more exhausting, also....So, it is really smart to start sooner than later....and do it a bit at a time....
There are some really good sites for "downsizing", on the interned...just a simple google search will bring them up....
The more you get rid of...the lighter and less overwhelmed you will feel...
I really get the part about having years of collected stuff in a house. That part can be overwhelming to think of...lol...
Since Spring is upon us...it might be good to "pretend" that you have decided that the house needs a good spring clean out...and announce that you are getting rid of clutter and stuff that no longer serves any function.....(that way, it doesn't give away your plan).....
Start going through each part of the house and donate...donate...donate...or sell...maybe, have yard sales....sell online.....send some to the junkyard......
Here is the thing...this part is so much more time consuming than one ever thinks it is...and, more exhausting, also....So, it is really smart to start sooner than later....and do it a bit at a time....
There are some really good sites for "downsizing", on the interned...just a simple google search will bring them up....
The more you get rid of...the lighter and less overwhelmed you will feel...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
dandylion- This is a great idea! I actually did do quite a bit of de-cluttering while he was away in treatment a year ago. At the time I was thinking it was good idea to clean out clutter because I was going to be all tough and leave if he got home and started drinking again. But here I am still here a year later! 🙄 There is definitely more to be done though and yes, it’s sooo overwhelming.😔
Thanks!
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I separated from my exah but lived in the same house for a few years.
Once we got to divorce stage this no longer worked and we lasted 6 weeks under the same roof. It was a very bad time.
First he moved out, then came back so I moved out. He kept my 15 year old twin boys as "hostages" cos they generated a lot of income due to being disabled, so he still had drinking money. He turned the boys against me first. This worked for 6 months and they wanted to come back to me. They did and have never looked back. They have no contact with exah now.
We had 8 children to consider but 6 were adults and already moved out or were going to uni. We also had an animal rescue, a half finished house and many pets of our own to sort out. Considering we had got to hating each other on sight mode by then it was a miracle it all worked out.
We got a quickie divorce and only had to see the judge once. That was a mistake looking back but I was so DONE. I couldn't contemplate a long drawn out divorce which the judge told me the outcome would likely be the same but with all the equity out the house used on legal fees. Exah had the twins living with him so got the house even tho it had been mine before we married but I wanted them to have a secure home...more fool me cos that never happened. He kept it even after they moved to live with me. He sold it and used a massive amount of equity out of it to drink. He's spent it all now and downsized 3 times to keep drinking. Do not expect you AH to be reasonable or behave like normal people. They don't. All my exah cared about was making sure he could protect his drinking. He had no love for any of his kids or me.
Material stuff wise I left with little but my daughters managed to bring things out we all cared about ( quilts I had made, pictures, photos etc) and between us we have got things that meant a lot, like our cats. We basically saved all the animals and exah saved all the stuff cos he hates animals lol
Once my sons were back under our rented roof I really started to heal. I spent hours learning about alcoholism and what had gone wrong and working on myself. I volunteered, got fit and made friends. Be prepared for set backs. I've had a big one lately and am back to self isolating and eating junk. I've learnt to be kind to myself and give myself time to process. It's been 4 years post divorce for me but I am still processing things. Last night I blocked and deleted my exah for good after a chat with my now adult son cos what he told me exah had said was the final straw. I just thought ...you know what? I don't need this anymore.
Once we got to divorce stage this no longer worked and we lasted 6 weeks under the same roof. It was a very bad time.
First he moved out, then came back so I moved out. He kept my 15 year old twin boys as "hostages" cos they generated a lot of income due to being disabled, so he still had drinking money. He turned the boys against me first. This worked for 6 months and they wanted to come back to me. They did and have never looked back. They have no contact with exah now.
We had 8 children to consider but 6 were adults and already moved out or were going to uni. We also had an animal rescue, a half finished house and many pets of our own to sort out. Considering we had got to hating each other on sight mode by then it was a miracle it all worked out.
We got a quickie divorce and only had to see the judge once. That was a mistake looking back but I was so DONE. I couldn't contemplate a long drawn out divorce which the judge told me the outcome would likely be the same but with all the equity out the house used on legal fees. Exah had the twins living with him so got the house even tho it had been mine before we married but I wanted them to have a secure home...more fool me cos that never happened. He kept it even after they moved to live with me. He sold it and used a massive amount of equity out of it to drink. He's spent it all now and downsized 3 times to keep drinking. Do not expect you AH to be reasonable or behave like normal people. They don't. All my exah cared about was making sure he could protect his drinking. He had no love for any of his kids or me.
Material stuff wise I left with little but my daughters managed to bring things out we all cared about ( quilts I had made, pictures, photos etc) and between us we have got things that meant a lot, like our cats. We basically saved all the animals and exah saved all the stuff cos he hates animals lol
Once my sons were back under our rented roof I really started to heal. I spent hours learning about alcoholism and what had gone wrong and working on myself. I volunteered, got fit and made friends. Be prepared for set backs. I've had a big one lately and am back to self isolating and eating junk. I've learnt to be kind to myself and give myself time to process. It's been 4 years post divorce for me but I am still processing things. Last night I blocked and deleted my exah for good after a chat with my now adult son cos what he told me exah had said was the final straw. I just thought ...you know what? I don't need this anymore.
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