Faith

My son is 27 years old and is an alcholic.I like Colleen don't know how to handle this.He is still living at home with his dad and I.He has not worked in monthes and continues to drink.His friend who is also a alcholic buys his booze for him.His friend is working.My son has a six year old son of his own.My grandson lives with his mother.My son is very far behind in his child support payments.On July the 2nd my husband wrote out a contract giving our son until Sept 1st to be out of the house because of all the problems with not working and of course his drinking.We just can't take it anymore.i have gotten information for him to get help for himself but he hasn't even attempted to getany help.My husband and myself do not drink and never have but we both come from a family where both our fathers were alcholics.Yesterday marked the 13th anniversary of my brother's death due to his being a alcholic.He tried running across a frreway will drunk,his blood alcohol level was 24.He was struck by a car and killed.he was only 31.Now we are dealing with a son that refuses to leave the house,we are renting and refuses to get any help with all his problems.I don't want to put him out with no where to go but I feel like I will have a nervous breakdown very soon because I just can't watch him destroy himself anymore and I feel we are not helping him by allowing him to go on living his life this way.He is always talking about killing himself and says the only reason he hasn't is because of his son.I am considering leaving my self just in order to stay sane.Can anyone advice me as to what I shgould do. TIA

Pernell Johnson

Faith welcome to the forum. you have a tough case but you have stated the obvious. First, for your sanity try to find a Al-Anon meeting close to your home. Please attend and participate, for your sanity. This next suggestion is hard but fair. Somehow put your 27 year old son out. He is an adult and he should be made to swim or sink without having a pity party. Toughlove is sometimes all our love ones understand when they are caught in the grip of addiction. You take care of you, God will take care of your son.

God Bless and be strong.

Just for Today-------I am Sober

DeaconAA

Faith: My name is Don and I'm a recovered alcoholic blessed with 30+ yrs of sobriety.My wife, Iris, has been a member of the World Wide Family of Alanon for the same number of years. I asked her to read your post and give me some of her Alanon experience to pass along. She did and made it quite simple...you and your husband should get to Alanon and do something for yourselves regardless of what your son does or does not do. Secondly, she recommended you keep your commitments...if your son is still drinking and has made no effort to seek help, stand by the contract of having him out of your house by September 1 (should be gone by now). Last, when your son mentions he'll do himself in, isn't that what he is already doing by continuing his drinking. Nothing new there as the nightmare of your brother's death 13 yrs ago affirms that.
For my two cents worth, if he choses to continue to drink, put him out...always an empty doorway on skidrow that he can call his home. Why not..he sure does not appreciate what you have provided for him.
I've never attended an Alanon meeting but they meet down the hall from where my A.A. group meets and I see them leave each week after their meeting. Without exception, they all seem to be smiling and happy, I'm sure this could also happen for you and your husband. As they say in A.A., stick around for 90 days or so, and if you do not like what happens in your life, they'll be more than happy to refund those miseries you brought along with you for your first meeting. Good luck.

Faith

I want to Thank you both for taking the time to read my post and all the advice you gave me.I do intend to join a alanon group.Right now I am very upset because my son is still here.He just wouldn't leave and I would rather not bring the police into this.I'd also like to add that my husband caved in and is giving him 2 more weeks to get a job and a place to stay.He has even offered to give him a couple hundred dollars to help with the rent.I love my husband and son but I am very disappointed in both of them right now.I feel we have given more then enough time to him to get his life on the right track.He had moved out when his son was born for about a year then he and my grandsons mother ended their relationship which means we have been supporting him for the most part of five years.I am very tempted to leave myself but then I stop and say to myself I Am Not The Problem! If my son shows no signs of getting on his feet by pounding the pavement until he finds some type of work he is out.In the same breath if my husband allows him to stay then I will leave because I honestly can't handle all the stress anymore.Once again I really appreciate all the support you have given me. God Bless

mindybadger

Faith,
Please understand I'm not telling you this merely for shock value, but it happened. My brother, who I miss very much, died in my parents' basement at the age of 27. This was in 1984, and I was 20. I can't begin to tell you how devastated we were. This is how powerful denial is. This is how insidious this disease is. We found several liquor bottles hidden up in the ceiling. I recently attended a family meeting at the treatment facility where my boyfriend was at. There was a lady there who said she could never put her daughter out, do the tough love thing. She went on to say that she sees bums on the street corners and wonders where their families are? What a disgrace! I shared the story of my brother with her and the group. My point was: We didn't do my brother any favors by enabling his drinking. We denied it, when it was painfully obvious. Alcoholism is a "progressive, incurable, fatal disease". Promises of getting a job, lecturing, nagging, crying, ultimatums, looking the other way WILL NOT WORK. There are different progressions with alcoholics, my brother's was obviously the fastest progressive type. The disease also is nothing to be embarrassed about and should be treated as such. If he had diabetes or epilepsy, wouldn't the family encourage him to get treated? Of course he refuses treatment right now. It's very typical. He's in the grips of the disease and won't stop unless there's no other choice. Even though people die from the disease, their brains and central nervous systems tell them to continue drinking. That's why it's a disease. I'm sorry if I'm coming down hard on you, but I really want you to see it from my family's perspective. Last week, my other brother almost died exactly the same way as my younger brother died. Denial is still firmly implanted here. He was living alone and hiding it from all of us. He was drinking 1/2 gallon of hard liquor a day. The good news is that he's in treatment and will be okay as long as he never drinks again. It's in God's hands now. This is where we all let go, but do what we can to encourage him. I've learned that it's totally up to him, but it doesn't make it any less scary. I hope this makes some sense and helps you in some way. Yes, get the police involved if you need to. So what if he or you are "embarrassed"? We're talking about his life here. Yes, do a family intervention. Stop enabling him. Whatever helps him to get to treatment, and after treatment, he may lapse, but it's up to him if he wants to live or not. Once alcoholics stop drinking, lots of times they realize that they were dying and feeling horrible. My brother just said this and is thankful to be alive and to feel better. I hope this helps in some small way and doesn't upset you too much. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. It took my moving out of the house and his family doing the tough love thing to get my boyfriend into treatment. Take care of yourself by going to Alanon and talking to professionals and learning more about the disease. You don't have to be alone in this. God bless.
Mindybadger

Faith

Mindy I just finished reading all you had to say and I don't feel you were hard on me.You told it like it is.If it was up to me my son would have been out the door months ago.Its my husband who is allowing this to go on.Tonight all I wanted to do was relax after a work wek that juast seemed to drag on at a snails pace.I told my son I did not want him to pick up my grandson because all I wanted to do was relax and spend time with his father.We haven't spent very much time together lately because he's been working alot of overtime and we are losing touch with each other.I love my grandson dearly but I just wasn't up to having him here this weekend.Without my knowing my son went behind my back'Asked his dad if he could pick Jr. up and he said yes (He didn't know I'd already said no.Then in walks my son and grandson and I tryed my best not to show how upset I was because of my grandson.Then I went to the frige for a bottle of soda pop and I couldn't find any.Sometimes I put some in the crisper and instead of pop I find a 40oz of beer.Well I lost it,I showed him the bottle and told him "I don't want this in my house" He snatched it out of my hand and told me why don't I just Die! I am feeling like I have no choice but to leave because I refuse to have to live like this anymore.I will stay with my brother if I have to.As soon as my son leaves my house then I'll come back.The way I see it my husband will just have to except what I do because if he isn't going to stand with me on this than thats his decision.I've reached my limit and I'm only doing what I feel is best for me.i have no control over the way my son chooses to live his life but I'll be dam*** if I'll let him bring me down with him.Thanks Mindy I really appreciated all you said in your post.

mindybadger

Faith,
Shew, I was beginning to worry that I offended you...I think you have a good attitude! Good job! I'm sorry your husband seems to be in denial. Sometimes it seems like it's easier for men to look the other way instead of dealing with their feelings. Although, the women in my family are the Queens of Denial - so I'd better not be sexist here. It seems like you're trying to make the right choices for yourself, and you're being thwarted at every turn. This is strictly MY opinion, but I think getting out of the house would be the clearest message you could send to your husband that you've had enough and set your boundaries (something I'm struggling with). May I suggest going to an intervention workshop or talking to an alcohol/drug counselor? There's always an AA hotline where you could talk to somebody. Not to pound this into your head, but it's really important: Go to Alanon. It has helped me so much. I initially went when my boyfriend was still drinking and being abusive, and was just so angry I didn't go back for quite some time. Now that I've finally gone back, I'm so happy. It's just nice to be around people that have gone through similar things, and they're so kind. Don't try to do this alone. I hope I'm not sounding preachy again. Please take care and keep posting. Please feel free to email directly at [email protected]. (am I breaking a rule here?)
Peace,
Mindybadger

Melly

Hi Faith,
I also have an addicted child. She is only 15 and is currently attending NA. She has been clean now for more than 30 days.

I know alanon tells us not to be "enablers", but I can understand how your husband feels. It is *VERY* difficult to detach yourself from your own child to the point of kicking them out of your house, as I'm sure you know.

I don't think I could do it, myself. When, at the age of 14, my daugher was drinking/using, stealing from us, staying out all night, etc my husband and I went through a living hell of anxiety and despair. But we both have always agreed that no matter what, our daughter will always be welcome in our home. We both have a deep gut-feeling that this is the right thing to do. This is one of the reasons I hesitate to go to Alanon or Nar-anon meetings.

I know addiction can be fatal, but it can be fatal whether they live at home with their parents or not. Isn't it better to have them at home where you can at least try to keep an eye on their health, etc.?

On one occation my daughter became completely unconscious after drinking and using, and began vomiting. We had to take her to the emergency ward. Fortunately on that occasion she made it home before passing out, otherwise, she could have easily died. We live in a climate that gets very cold in the winter. In a town not far from us, a 16-year-old girl got very drunk and froze to death after leaving a party.

Of course I realize that these tragedies can happen even if the addict is living at home, but it seems they would be at least somewhat less likely to happen.

Of course your son is quite a bit older than my daughter, so I am not in quite the same position as you. Maybe if she was 27 I would feel differently about it.

I sure don't know what the answers are, but I do know, as you do, that it is a very terrible thing to have a child who is an addict. Sometimes I think it would be easier if they had some other dangerous disease such as cancer, since then at least there wouldn't be the shame and stigma attached, and if they got really sick you know they would be cared for and not left to die in an alley somewhere. Society at large treats addicts as if they were human garbage. This is very sad since the addict was born with a disease and didn't choose to be an addict. (Who would?)

I know it is said that the addict won't try to get help until he/she hits rock-bottom, but what if rock-bottom is death? How would you feel if you kicked your child out and he/she died? As I say, I don't have all the answers. Trying to figure out how to handle an addicted child puts parents in a terrible dilema.

My father was also an addict, though my husband and I aren't. I guess it skips a generation sometimes.

Love, hugs and prayers,
Melly

[This message has been edited by Melly (edited September 08, 2001).]

angeleyezz1980

Hi,I am a member of my local al-anon and I also attend AA meetings with my father. One thing I would like to say is that al-anon has been a life preserver for me and my family and I think that if your open to trying it, it would be a big comfort for you. Al-anon guides you in making yourself happy and healthy and also helps you deal with the anger, resentment,hopelesness, etc. One thing you have to understand, is that your son will not go for help untill he is ready and no one can make him ready except himself. This is strictly your sons move all you can do is love him no matter what and hopefully he will want to help himself before too long. I hope to see another message from you soon , saying that you are atleast feeling a little better, if you should need someone just to vent on im here most of the time. Good Luck

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