nicegirlwny

Hello all, I'm new here and I really appreciate your time and insight.

I've been dating a great man for 14 months, and he's two years sober last December. We are great friends, and I respect and admire him, and love him with all my heart. For the record, we started dating just after his first year sober, he is active in AA and attends several meetings a week, recently started volunteer work, and last time he mentioned it, was working through step 4. That was several months ago, so he might be past that, but I don't ask or pry. If he wants to talk, I'm happy to listen.

Lately I've noticed an effort on his part to avoid talking about plans for the future beyond the next weekend, and a definite avoidance of making any promises about our relationship besides fidelity. While I appreciate that, and trust him completely, in my low moments I feel if he has no intention of ever building a life together, I should probably know this. A recent, very emotional, discussion of the topic resulted in his telling me he shouldn't think of making any commitments to "anyone" until he was on a firmer foundation himself, and he has no idea when that might happen. Also, he feels I should be more understanding of how he hurt people he cared about while he was drinking, and not "pressure" him.

Is it common for people in recovery to follow the "one day at a time" principle to such an extreme that they refuse to even talk about their intentions/hopes/dreams? Let alone make any promises? I'll be the first to admit I know very little about addiction, save my own to nicotine which I quit twenty years ago, hence my al-anon plans. Is it unreasonable to want a little clarity after two years of recovery and so long together? I love him so, but I love myself too, and I'm not interested in a weekend "buddy" with otherwise separate lives for the long term. Please help me understand this!

amy55

Hi,

Just wanted to welcome you here to this forum, my situation was way different then yours, so not much for me to offer. There are many other people here that can help you though.

So, hi, and welcome

((((((hugs)))))
amy

Bekindalways

Welcome Nicegirl. Glad you found us.

Your situation is a bit different from a lot of us here. Going to Alanon is a good idea although you might try a few if you don't like the first one. Addicts in recovery deal with more than just not drinking.

He may just not be ready for anything more than weekend buddies at this point. If you want more you may need to look elsewhere. Even if he is a great guy he might not be in a place now or ever where he can commit. I actually have no idea I'm just putting out a thought. Hope others will chime in.

nicegirlwny

Thanks Amy, I appreciate your warm welcome and I hope you have peace and love in your life tonight.

nicegirlwny

Thanks also to Bekindalways, I feel guilty saying this, but I wonder if it's easier for the person in recovery to use "one day at a time" as a justification to avoid making a decision, avoid hurting someone they love with the truth, risk being alone, or acknowledge that they may not ever want to be committed (and therefore accountable) to anyone again. Especially if they're still carrying a lot of pain and regret for past behavior. I just wondered if anyone else had this experience, and how it may have turned out.

Ariesagain

I'm not certain there are any generalizations that can be made about people in recovery that would override what he's actually telling you about his own feelings and beliefs? I believe that most people in recovery are generally told to avoid relationships for the first year, but he was pretty close to that point when you started dating.

"A recent, very emotional, discussion of the topic resulted in his telling me he shouldn't think of making any commitments to "anyone" until he was on a firmer foundation himself, and he has no idea when that might happen."

As hard as it is, I think you should believe what he says, especially as his actions match his words and he has been consistent. His recovery is a real accomplishment and it takes character, self-awareness, and integrity to be as direct and honest as he has been about this.

You're the only one who can decide if what he can offer is enough?

Praying

Wow that's a tough one...I'd trust your gut. He could be using it as an excuse--or maybe recognizing that it's all he's capable of right now. I would trust my feelings.

My XABF wants to work on our relationship and work towards getting together again, and he's bumping up on a year of not drinking in April--but only really immersed in changing his thoughts and patterns starting in December--so very "young" in the recovery space.

I'm not interested--I've been too far down that path before and it isn't worth the risk for me. With him, he had about a year sobriety before we moved in together (I was unaware and thought he just didn't drink)...and that sobriety dropped like a hot poker when he took his first drink (unbeknownst to me until he was face down a few weeks later and lying and hiding).

A question I'd ask myself if I were you...if you read some of the stories here...do you want to sign up for a future of addiction recovery? It's a forever thing. One thing my RABF says is "I can't promise anything", meaning--"I will be yours forever, I just can't promise I'll be sober forever. Just today." I don't want to live with that feeing that tomorrow could be the day it all comes crashing down--because I've experienced it. And many here would say the same...if you haven't already signed up...think hard and educate yourself on what a lifetime of recovery looks like.

nicegirlwny

Thanks Ariesagain, I hope I'm not coming across as cold or demanding on this, and I really do make an effort to understand his perspective and avoid challenging his recovery. My greatest fear is that he tells me there's no future for us regardless of his recovery or personal foundation and my heart breaks (as would his if we split). A close second to that is the fear that I make the decision to end the relationship and then he relapses after 2+ years of sobriety in the wake of that. My mind knows it's his responsibility to stay sober, but my heart would break anyway. In the end, I must take care of myself too, and you're right. At least for now, and maybe forever, this is what he's offering and it's up to me to decide if it's enough. For today, it is.

nicegirlwny

Thanks Praying, I appreciate your advice and I'm so sorry for your experience. I feel it takes a lot of courage to share our stories, even anonymously, and I admire yours. Hope you have peace and love in your world tonight

Ariesagain

You sound like a thoughtful and generous person and I hope things work out the way you would hope. You know, there does come a stage of life where the lines of relationships can be drawn a little more freely and with fewer traditional expectations...my husband's oldest daughter has been with her boyfriend for a decade, yet they live in separate houses and have no desire to change that.

So maybe you can decide together if there's a definition that's acceptable for both of you?

Wishing you happiness, in whatever you decide.

nicegirlwny

It's so ironic, but as I continue to work on myself, being mindful of my own heart and dreams and learning to gently care for ME, I discover I'm just an old-fashioned girl who wants the fairy tale with this man. I can't help it. I'm also certain that joining this forum is the best thing I've done for myself in a long while, and maybe I do need to hit the pause button and really think about what it means to be in the trenches with a recovering alcoholic on a daily basis. I've never seen him drunk, or even have a drink, and sometimes I have the blinders on in terms of acknowledging that a relapse is a very real, constant threat that we would both live with every day. I'm really good at dismissing what doesn't fit with my view of things

Priscilla84

I'm in a very similar situation. "I can't promise anything to anyone" is something I hear all the time. It's really tough for me to figure out to what extent I am willing to be in my addict's life. I don't want to give up on us and I don't want to be unsupportive. However, I also don't want to be used and a back burner girl and then dropped like a hot potato one day, left to moan about how he left me after all I did for him.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot give any more to a person than that which I am willing to give WITHOUT expecting anything in return. If I stay in his life in a somewhat undefined role to make him happy and HOPE he will come around and commit fully again, will I be resentful if he doesn't ever commit to giving me what I want? Yes, most definitely. So therefore, that's not something I can give.

I have taken several steps back. I don't spend time with him anymore or reach out to him anymore. I'll have a cordial conversation if he initiates one, but my guard stays up. For me, that is the extent of what I can give without expectations. And even that is pushing it.

So my advice is, be what you can be under the assumption that you will receive nothing in return. Typically our expectations are just invitations for disappointment and pain.

Hopeworks

I see some red flags from a recovery perspective that you might want to consider in your own decision making. Taking 2 years to get to step 4 and get into service is certainly taking the slow road to China!

In the early days of AA before the Big Book was even written when the recovery rate was close to 90% in Ohio you did the steps as soon as your head cleared and in a matter of days and weeks completed them. The question of when to do the steps used to be answered with "when do you want to get well"?

Today AA is all over the map and there is weak, strong and medium AA depending on who is your sponsor and what type of meetings you choose to attend. Your friend maybe very comfortable with soft, easy and slow AA and each chooses their own path of recovery and timeline they wish to employ.

Life is short and uncertain especially with an A and I strongly suggest you seek out and find your own sponsor to navigate these waters as you KNOW what your long term goals and plans are. No sense barking up the wrong tree for another 2 years waiting for him to get through a few more steps!

Once you understand the beast of addiction more yourself and watch his actions for a while longer you will know in your heart when the time is right to have a discussion about a future together without anger. In AA and alanon we say "more will be revealed" and it will be.

You can't control his recovery but can control yours and create boundaries that work for you. There are lots of fish in the sea and maybe you will end up throwing off the lines and go trolling on the ocean while keeping an eye on Mr. slow Recovery sunning on the beach! A bit of advice though... Throw back all A fish even if in recovery!

nicegirlwny

Thanks again everyone, lots of food for thought here! I did read some other threads last night, and I felt the pain of broken promises and shattered lives as I read. For anyone who so courageously and candidly shares their story, this girl is grateful. You've opened my eyes!

CodeJob

Hello Nice Girl,

I would ask him about his recovery plan. Is this his first time on the 12 steps or a second, more thorough review? Hope works gives a good caution that traditionally they do the steps pretty quickly on the AA side. Many people rework the steps with a different focus later. Maybe he has switched sponsors or joined AA after he got sober using another method? I think knowing his plan might be helpful to you to get a feel for what his personal plan of growth is. His recovery efforts like meetings and giving back likely will always come first.

You need to consider what will fill your time if you have a relationship with this man. Because he will have weekly commitments. Church? Volunteering? More schooling? A side gig of crafts, gardening, etc? Because he might not be free to hang out at will. Your relationship will come second to his recovery responsibilities. Without it, your relationship is doomed.

Using recovery as an intimacy barrier does happen though. Gather information and listen to your gut. Take care!

redatlanta

Also, he feels I should be more understanding of how he hurt people he cared about while he was drinking, and not "pressure" him.

This statement is troubling to me. He has cut the discussion by putting the onus on you of HIS past and your need to allow him a wide berth in "self discovery" whilst you sit on the sidelines not pressuring him. Yeah, I don't think so. This has cut the discussion, because further meddling into a future is "putting pressure on him" (i.e. making YOU a bad person for having an inquiring mind about.......your own future).

No one here can guess if he is truly not willing to commit to a future because he is still going through the step process - seems to me this is something that could be easily verbalized to you. Instead, you are given a manipulative explanation for why he can't discuss, his past hurts to others and your pressuring him. Whatever. I'm going to take his recovery out of the picture because it muddles your situation.

Your BF is simply unwilling to discuss with you where he sees the relationship going. Take it at face value. If that is not something you can live with then that's for you to decide. People who aren't alcoholics or in recovery are unable to commit or have these discussions. I see nothing here that indicates a correlation between recovery and his inability to see a future with you beyond what it is right now.

That's not to mean there never will be. How long are you willing to ride the wave before you need to know where this is going? That's what you need to figure out. A revisit in 6 months might be a boundary you make with yourself. At that time if there is no movement or you get the same answer decide for yourself if you wish to invest more time. Things may change. Just have to wait and see.

Eauchiche

Dear NiceGirl
Is a "buddy" on the weekends what you really want out of life? This will get even MORE part time further into your relationship.
If you want more than that, you guys might not be a match.
I have come to believe that the Oriental concept of arranged marriages is better than the "dating" we have in the west.

Kata

Hello nicegirlwny,

Welcome here!

I don't have experience regarding your particular situation or dealing with an A in recovery. So, my advice may be way off base, I sure others will be able to help you more., but here it is anyway:
If you take the fact that your boyfriend is an A in recovery out of the equation, how would you look at the situation? I mean, if he were any other great guy, how would you feel about his lack of commitment? How would you feel about the fact that discussion about the future are cut short and approached only from the angle of his past and his "baggage".
We all come to relationships with baggage. Some of us have a lot of it, some less, but we all do. Your baggage does have some influence over your relationship, but IMO, it doesn't get to define the new relationship. Yes, you acknowledge it, yes you deal with it, you talk about it, but you're not supposed to let it define the relationship.

His past doesn't get to define what you want for your future.
So, how would you deal with the situation if he wan't an A in recovery? Would what he's offering now,cand for the forseable future it seems, be enough for you?

AnvilheadII

different perspective maybe.....you've ONLY been dating for 14 months....and he's ONLY been sober for 2 years. neither of those stats are very LONG term.

would you rather he be honest and say he is not ready to make any type of commitment, OR feed you a line of bull that SOUNDS good and then fail to follow thru?

he's a good guy - check.
he's involved in recovery - check.
he's honest about where he IS right now and what he is not willing to do right now - check.

if you want MORE than what he is willing to offer, then you'll probably have to look elsewhere. maybe take some time to look inside yourself and see what it IS that you WANT. make sure your own expectations are in line. you mentioned wanting the "fairy tale" - snce those don't exist except in books, is that realistic??

changeschoices

I see a lot of red flags, both with his lack of commitment (has nothing to do with recovery) and how he's working his recovery (seems not very wholehearted about it).

If he's been sober and going to AA for two years, he should not still be on step four!! That's just strange, as the other posters have said. Perhaps he can't commit to anything, including throwing himself fully into recovery.

His excuse of not wanting to commit to you because he's hurt others in the past is a failure to acknowledge that he is in fact currently hurting YOU by refusing to openly talk about your needs. He sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive, albeit in a subtle way, using his recovery to completely control the pace and level of your relationship. You effectively have no way to ask for more commitment without being accused of derailing his sobriety. Yuck.

If seeing you as more than a weekend good time pal would truly derail his recovery, then he has no business being in a relationship, period. He should be up front with you and just say that he wants "friends with benefits" with you in his spare time into which he's decided to fit you in as it's convenient to him. Then it's up to you decide if you want to use him as a sexual buddy, too, with no commitment or future beyond the weekend fun.

Frankly, I think he's being unfair and not fully honest with you. And that is NOT a good sign in a "recovering" alcoholic. If he can't be honest with you, he's not being honest with himself either, and I foresee....eventual relapse...much pain for you...and a lot of your time wasted.

I will never date an alcoholic again. Even if they've been in recovery for 20 years. Not because recovered alcoholics are all bad people. My uncle is the best man on earth now with over two decades of sobriety and he treats me and my kids like gold.

But...just as you said you want the traditional happy ending, so do I. My psychological constitution cannot bear the uncertainty of being with someone who can relapse at any time. As it is, every single one of us (addict or non-addict) has our own issues, quirks, problems that complicate our relationships. I just cannot take on being with anyone who has had substance abuse issues again. There are other, stronger souls who can and they can successfully cope with the idea of a relapse that could occur at any time and derail their relationship.

I just can't. Having been with an alcoholic for over three years, he did not just derail our relationship during his relapses. He derailed my whole life. I feel deep regret over the time I wasted in the relationship and the deep trauma he inflicted upon me. It damaged every area of my life.

And then there's just the commitment issue overall. How old are you guys? What do his past relationships say about him? Has he been married, had children? If so, does he maintain good relationships with his ex and kids? Does he have a history of being able to keep jobs, have good relationships with his employers, past and present? How does he treat his friends and family? Does he own a home of his own and/or is he committed to taking good care of his living space? Does he have a full life with solid relationships with friends, family, constructive hobbies, community commitments?

How does he treat you if you need his help? Is he willing to care for you when you are sick, come help you if you get a flat tire or your kitchen sink breaks, or just be there when you've had a bad day and need a hug and a listening ear? Or do you only see him when he wants companionship/sex on his terms and his schedule? How is your communication about your relationship? It doesn't sound like he's a good communicator.

Those are the commitment-related questions. Regardless of his recovery issues, you have to ask yourself if this is a man who can commit.

If a man truly wants to be with you, you will know pretty darn fast! Fourteen months is far too long to still be in the "weekend fun times" slot. Like I said, if he feels his sobriety is still so precarious after two years, he is not in a place where he should be in a relationship. Nor should he be leading you on so he can have a companion and sex partner with no strings attached for him.

You could go to Al-Anon, but frankly I would not invest any more of my time in this relationship or trying to fix what you can't fix. I'd cut this guy loose and find a healthier guy. Hugs to you, and may you find the love you deserve!!!!!