Wonderful boyfriend, but don't expect any promises...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Hi Nice Girl,
Everything will be OK!
I feel for you going through this break up, I'm sure you would have been the one to end it if it had carried on much longer. Luckily you have just seen a glimpse of his alcoholic bad side, and know what the future could look like.
Whenever you feel doubt, just come on here and read threads to remind you what a lucky escape you've had.
Everything will be OK!
I feel for you going through this break up, I'm sure you would have been the one to end it if it had carried on much longer. Luckily you have just seen a glimpse of his alcoholic bad side, and know what the future could look like.
Whenever you feel doubt, just come on here and read threads to remind you what a lucky escape you've had.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Nicegirl, I am so sorry that you have had to experience even a tiny taste of the immense suffering and agony that you will read many of us have experienced on this board.
You sound like a lovely person. Stable, measured, caring, and compassionate. These are all normally virtues, but, as you find when it comes to being with an alcoholic, they are your Achilles heel. It takes a special kind of person to be with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, that usually means that we are codependent. I include myself in this category. Even after five years of working to build up my boundaries and have healthy relationships, I still must constantly be on guard not to slip into caring too much about others who do not truly care about my well-being.
The good news is that, with personal work, codependency can be transformed into a wonderful and healthy state of giving to self and others while also getting your needs met. In time, you will find that unhealthy people will naturally dislike or avoid you, and healthy people will appear in your life. But, like addicts, we codependents must be ever vigilant for the rest of our lives to not fall into the trap of investing in relationships in which we are exploited and not cared for.
The GREAT news is that, by overcoming codependency, our lives become richer than we ever could've imagined, and we can love ourselves and others (who deserve our love) with the authentic strength of our true selves. I am religious (like your stranger/friend in the park who told you that God loves you) and I believe that working to unlearn codependency brings me closer to the life that I was meant to live and fulfilling God's true purpose for me.
I imagine you feel empathy for your ex's feelings of emptiness, and that is normal. However, please recognize that addicts have a hole that cannot be filled except by their own desire to face their addiction, and this is a lifelong process that many will never seriously undertake.
I suggest you do not remain friends with your A, if he should ask you. My A did extremely severe damage to me as I was the closest person to him, but he also damaged many, many others around him, even casual friends. He hurt his family, friends, coworkers, employers, you name it. It is pretty much impossible to engage on any level with an alcoholic and not get burned.
In time and with reflection, you may realize as many of us have that we are the flip side of the addict. We are addicted to approval, to being needed, to being "good", to avoiding our own feelings of emptiness by pouring ourselves into taking care of others. Because we are the flip side, we tend to feel a very strong connection to the addict and have an almost uncontrollable urge to care for them as a substitute for the caring we do not let ourselves give to ourselves.
Be strong and know that you are in excellent company here.
You sound like a lovely person. Stable, measured, caring, and compassionate. These are all normally virtues, but, as you find when it comes to being with an alcoholic, they are your Achilles heel. It takes a special kind of person to be with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, that usually means that we are codependent. I include myself in this category. Even after five years of working to build up my boundaries and have healthy relationships, I still must constantly be on guard not to slip into caring too much about others who do not truly care about my well-being.
The good news is that, with personal work, codependency can be transformed into a wonderful and healthy state of giving to self and others while also getting your needs met. In time, you will find that unhealthy people will naturally dislike or avoid you, and healthy people will appear in your life. But, like addicts, we codependents must be ever vigilant for the rest of our lives to not fall into the trap of investing in relationships in which we are exploited and not cared for.
The GREAT news is that, by overcoming codependency, our lives become richer than we ever could've imagined, and we can love ourselves and others (who deserve our love) with the authentic strength of our true selves. I am religious (like your stranger/friend in the park who told you that God loves you) and I believe that working to unlearn codependency brings me closer to the life that I was meant to live and fulfilling God's true purpose for me.
I imagine you feel empathy for your ex's feelings of emptiness, and that is normal. However, please recognize that addicts have a hole that cannot be filled except by their own desire to face their addiction, and this is a lifelong process that many will never seriously undertake.
I suggest you do not remain friends with your A, if he should ask you. My A did extremely severe damage to me as I was the closest person to him, but he also damaged many, many others around him, even casual friends. He hurt his family, friends, coworkers, employers, you name it. It is pretty much impossible to engage on any level with an alcoholic and not get burned.
In time and with reflection, you may realize as many of us have that we are the flip side of the addict. We are addicted to approval, to being needed, to being "good", to avoiding our own feelings of emptiness by pouring ourselves into taking care of others. Because we are the flip side, we tend to feel a very strong connection to the addict and have an almost uncontrollable urge to care for them as a substitute for the caring we do not let ourselves give to ourselves.
Be strong and know that you are in excellent company here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Nicegirl, you sound more like an amazing woman to me and a very quick learner.
Please keep coming to us for support as the next few weeks or months will probably be tough. Ending a relationship just sucks.
Please keep coming to us for support as the next few weeks or months will probably be tough. Ending a relationship just sucks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Originally Posted by changeschoices 
Nicegirl, I am so sorry that you have had to experience even a tiny taste of the immense suffering and agony that you will read many of us have experienced on this board.
You sound like a lovely person. Stable, measured, caring, and compassionate. These are all normally virtues, but, as you find when it comes to being with an alcoholic, they are your Achilles heel. It takes a special kind of person to be with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, that usually means that we are codependent. I include myself in this category. Even after five years of working to build up my boundaries and have healthy relationships, I still must constantly be on guard not to slip into caring too much about others who do not truly care about my well-being.
The good news is that, with personal work, codependency can be transformed into a wonderful and healthy state of giving to self and others while also getting your needs met. In time, you will find that unhealthy people will naturally dislike or avoid you, and healthy people will appear in your life. But, like addicts, we codependents must be ever vigilant for the rest of our lives to not fall into the trap of investing in relationships in which we are exploited and not cared for.
The GREAT news is that, by overcoming codependency, our lives become richer than we ever could've imagined, and we can love ourselves and others (who deserve our love) with the authentic strength of our true selves. I am religious (like your stranger/friend in the park who told you that God loves you) and I believe that working to unlearn codependency brings me closer to the life that I was meant to live and fulfilling God's true purpose for me.
I imagine you feel empathy for your ex's feelings of emptiness, and that is normal. However, please recognize that addicts have a hole that cannot be filled except by their own desire to face their addiction, and this is a lifelong process that many will never seriously undertake.
I suggest you do not remain friends with your A, if he should ask you. My A did extremely severe damage to me as I was the closest person to him, but he also damaged many, many others around him, even casual friends. He hurt his family, friends, coworkers, employers, you name it. It is pretty much impossible to engage on any level with an alcoholic and not get burned.
In time and with reflection, you may realize as many of us have that we are the flip side of the addict. We are addicted to approval, to being needed, to being "good", to avoiding our own feelings of emptiness by pouring ourselves into taking care of others. Because we are the flip side, we tend to feel a very strong connection to the addict and have an almost uncontrollable urge to care for them as a substitute for the caring we do not let ourselves give to ourselves.
Be strong and know that you are in excellent company here.
You sound like a lovely person. Stable, measured, caring, and compassionate. These are all normally virtues, but, as you find when it comes to being with an alcoholic, they are your Achilles heel. It takes a special kind of person to be with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, that usually means that we are codependent. I include myself in this category. Even after five years of working to build up my boundaries and have healthy relationships, I still must constantly be on guard not to slip into caring too much about others who do not truly care about my well-being.
The good news is that, with personal work, codependency can be transformed into a wonderful and healthy state of giving to self and others while also getting your needs met. In time, you will find that unhealthy people will naturally dislike or avoid you, and healthy people will appear in your life. But, like addicts, we codependents must be ever vigilant for the rest of our lives to not fall into the trap of investing in relationships in which we are exploited and not cared for.
The GREAT news is that, by overcoming codependency, our lives become richer than we ever could've imagined, and we can love ourselves and others (who deserve our love) with the authentic strength of our true selves. I am religious (like your stranger/friend in the park who told you that God loves you) and I believe that working to unlearn codependency brings me closer to the life that I was meant to live and fulfilling God's true purpose for me.
I imagine you feel empathy for your ex's feelings of emptiness, and that is normal. However, please recognize that addicts have a hole that cannot be filled except by their own desire to face their addiction, and this is a lifelong process that many will never seriously undertake.
I suggest you do not remain friends with your A, if he should ask you. My A did extremely severe damage to me as I was the closest person to him, but he also damaged many, many others around him, even casual friends. He hurt his family, friends, coworkers, employers, you name it. It is pretty much impossible to engage on any level with an alcoholic and not get burned.
In time and with reflection, you may realize as many of us have that we are the flip side of the addict. We are addicted to approval, to being needed, to being "good", to avoiding our own feelings of emptiness by pouring ourselves into taking care of others. Because we are the flip side, we tend to feel a very strong connection to the addict and have an almost uncontrollable urge to care for them as a substitute for the caring we do not let ourselves give to ourselves.
Be strong and know that you are in excellent company here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
Rolling into the first weekend without seeing him. I'll admit we've been texting, but I'm glad because it's only confirming what i've been reading here. So many sad threads, filled with broken promises, shattered dreams, heartbreak. I'm thankful his character is intact enough to prevent him from making promises he's not confident he'll keep. He's hitting his program hard, and his slip seems to be limited to that one night, although I can't be sure, but he's never given me reason not to trust him. My boundaries are firm, and I text him because I'm just not ready for that last goodbye. I know when he says he wouldn't be where he is now without me, that's how he feels but it's a manipulation nevertheless. I'm feeling sad but still my soul is at peace. That's good enough for me tonight. Hope everyone here has peace tonight, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
You're right. It's finished. Bizarre 2am texts, phone ringing at all hours...didn't pick up or text back. One of the things he said earlier in the night happened to be "things are about to get ugly." Not for this girl they aren't. Dodged a nuclear warhead.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
You are VERY WISE to see it (him) for what it is. His saying he wouldn't be where he was in recovery if it wasn't for you was pure BS and manipulation. An A not in true recovery will use anything as an excuse to drink. It's bc it's raining. It's bc the sky is blue. You are currently being sucked into the vortex of an A. Yep, it's about to get ugly. Brace yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
After all that, this morning I get an email. Still no cajones to talk to me. He thinks it's best if I move on. He will never be able to give me what I want. Good luck.
This girl is stepping out of the A vortex. Thanks to all of you. I know it's only a tiny comfort, but your pain has helped me avoid so much more for myself. I'm grateful for your honesty and courage.
This girl is stepping out of the A vortex. Thanks to all of you. I know it's only a tiny comfort, but your pain has helped me avoid so much more for myself. I'm grateful for your honesty and courage.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
He may still show up at your house drunk--happens sometimes even
after the endless goodbye emails.
Be careful, keep the doors locked, and don't let him in.
You have no idea how violent, etc. he might be under the influence.
Call the cops if he won't go away.
Even if he makes noise, is embarrassing, etc. and neighbors hear,
don't let him in the door.
The most mild-mannered can get mean and scary
when they falsely blame you for their poor choices.
after the endless goodbye emails.
Be careful, keep the doors locked, and don't let him in.
You have no idea how violent, etc. he might be under the influence.
Call the cops if he won't go away.
Even if he makes noise, is embarrassing, etc. and neighbors hear,
don't let him in the door.
The most mild-mannered can get mean and scary
when they falsely blame you for their poor choices.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
How do you stop thinking about...is he ok, is he alone, how much he's hurting himself, doesn't he realize what he's throwing away? Two years of hard work, the time we spent together, doesn't it mean anything to him? It's driving me crazy, but at least he hasn't contacted me since the email. I know I should wish him well and leave him to himself and HP, but it's so hard when you love someone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi--for me it helped to consider...
He is the same amount of okay he would be if I were with him or not. My presence didn't help or hurt things. He is going to do what he is going to do, and he will decide his direction in life. As I look at ME...I am better without the daily ups and downs and drama he brought to me. I am healthier and can be happier.
So...since I cannot impact HIM if I'm with him or not...I can't love him into a better place...I'm going to love me and give me the best future I can. I CAN love ME into a better place--and I owe it to myself to try.
My mom told me years ago when I went to college that it was easier--she didn't worry about me as much because she didn't know what I was up to so worrying was wasted. When I lived at home and went out, she stayed up worrying. But when I was gone she had to place it out of her mind. I view it kind of like that. My mom still loved me--just released me.
I know it hurts!!! Grieve for YOUR loss, but not for the worry over him--he's a grown man...
He is the same amount of okay he would be if I were with him or not. My presence didn't help or hurt things. He is going to do what he is going to do, and he will decide his direction in life. As I look at ME...I am better without the daily ups and downs and drama he brought to me. I am healthier and can be happier.
So...since I cannot impact HIM if I'm with him or not...I can't love him into a better place...I'm going to love me and give me the best future I can. I CAN love ME into a better place--and I owe it to myself to try.
My mom told me years ago when I went to college that it was easier--she didn't worry about me as much because she didn't know what I was up to so worrying was wasted. When I lived at home and went out, she stayed up worrying. But when I was gone she had to place it out of her mind. I view it kind of like that. My mom still loved me--just released me.
I know it hurts!!! Grieve for YOUR loss, but not for the worry over him--he's a grown man...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
Thank you, that helps. I suppose I'll never be able to understand why...all that work and it doesn't seem to matter. But I'm not an addict, so I'll never know. Last night when he was at the bar, I tried to get him to let me pick him up, bring him home. He chose to drink. A friend said drink is his wife. Maybe that's why there's no room for a partner.
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