Ariesagain

You know, the fact that he refused to really commit was a huge gift. You aren't living together, you aren't financially entangled, you don't have kids or pets...

Walk away and block his number.

nicegirlwny

Thanks everyone, as usual sound advice from people who've been there. It's a beautiful sunny day, and I'm spending it quietly. He showed me the texts from his buddy, I'd never check his phone. Tempted, but it's not my job to check up on him. It does feel like this was coming for a while, and he said so last night. He was quite verbose from 2 to 4 am.

dandylion

nicegirl....I would like to remind you that if your were entertaining his quacking from 2am to 4am.....you are still feeding the beast......

dandylion

nicegirlwny

I didn't know...thank you.

dandylion

nicegirl.......good. I am glad for that!!

dandylion

nicegirlwny

He just broke up via email. He can't handle this relationship any more, feels smothered and constantly analyzed and monitored, can't be responsible for two futures, not healthy for either of us...I feel sad but oddly relieved. Feels like I dodged a bullet today.

Ariesagain

Actually, you dodged a SCUD missile.

And what a lovely shovelful as a parting gift...

his loss and your gain, hon. Dance onward.

dandylion

nicegirl.....at least, he is being honest with you about how he feels and his reasons.
that is a lo t more that many guys will offer.....

dandylion

changeschoices

I'm sorry you wasted so much time on this turd, but believe me, you will later on be very grateful that he dumped you.

Now please don't waste any more time on him. Do not analyze his "reasons" (utter lies!) for leaving you. Do not agonize over whether you caused his relapse or his dumping you. Do not ask yourself what you could've done differently (only thing: not date the turd in the first place).

He'll most likely be back. Alcoholics, as they say, are VERY hard to get rid of. Mainly because they need an easy mark and they're lazy. Mine came back at least five times, and I wasn't the only ex he would recycle. Don't go there and waste more of your time. I can't believe no one smacked me upside the head every time I took my A back. They really should have. It wouldn't have hurt anything, since clearly I had no brain. Block him. Every way possible. And do not look back.

I'm willing to bet your friend may not have even truly been sober the past two years. If you only saw him on the weekends, you have no idea what his real life was like or what he was up to. If he really drank after two years sobriety because of a measly argument, I'd say he wasn't working his recovery at all, really.

Now go be happy, in spite of feeling sad. I tell you, I was deeply depressed after my A left me for the final time (I made sure it was the final time because I refused to take him back again!). But at the same time, the thought, "I am finally free from all of this anxiety" was also constantly in my mind.

P.S. Breakup over email? Classy guy!!!!!

LexieCat

Sorry, but I think that's a little harsh. The guy is a struggling alcoholic, not a "turd." Sounds to me like he was as honest with you as he was able to be. It does sound like the relationship might have been more pressure than he was ready to deal with, but that doesn't make it your fault, either. Sometimes the timing simply isn't right. He sounds to me like a basically decent guy--you can wish him well and move on to someone more able to give you what you want in a relationship.

He disappointed you, as well as himself. Trust me, you will get over him a lot more easily than he will get over alcohol.

changeschoices

I appreciate your perseptive, Lexie. I called him a turd because he hung up on Nicegirl in the middle of a conversation, and because he dumped her via email. To me, that's turd-worthy, but I know I have a very low tolerance for such behavior. Plus I'm old and cranky.

bluelily

I was guilty of this too, never knew... yet another reason not to question my resolve not to engage with XABF, thanks for that.

Refiner

I agree with you CC. But a short and sweet (albeit impersonal) breakup with an A is actually the best, I think. Not full of their manipulation, angry yelling, or drama

LexieCat

As someone who communicates in writing far more effectively than in person, I have some sympathy for breaking up over email (texting is where I draw the line, personally). I like to gather my thoughts and try to express myself in a way that won't be misunderstood. Hanging up during a conversation may be rude, but I don't think it makes someone a "turd." I've done it, myself, when frustrated or angry. Not that I think it's OK, necessarily, but I don't think it defines my character. Up until they came up against this "future" stuff, he apparently was "wonderful," so I don't think demonizing him serves any purpose.

nicegirlwny

In his defense, and to be fair and acknowledge my share of the responsibility, I believe he's been telling me in subtle ways and I was too invested in my vision of the future to notice. He really is a decent guy, with a sickness that may make it impossible for him to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I just can't handle giving my whole self to someone who can't share his intentions, and I can't live with this kind of uncertainty in my life. Much less the slip or relapse that's in the mix now. Thankful for feeling the pain now and moving on before I was too much more invested. And thankful for all of you

Bekindalways

I'm so sorry for the grief even if you are dodging a bullet/scud-missle (I'm thinking the scud is more accurate). Unfortunately, all that this guy has done in the relationship and in the past few days is probably his absolute best. Sadly, as noted by our community, his best isn't very good.

Please take care of yourself at this time. Eat well, exercise, find some good friends to hang out with. And keep posting!

nicegirlwny

The sun is setting on the last day of our story. I'm remembering his laugh, how I felt so safe and happy when he held my hand, how he was so proud of me when I got my last promotion, how he'd always text me good morning when we were apart. It's hard not to worry if he's at his meeting tonight or back at the bar...maybe he's been there all day, who knows? A tiny part of my heart is hoping he'll call or text, but my head says it's best if he doesn't. Hope and despair are so closely connected, especially tonight. This was the last day I'd see that handsome face, and I'll miss him so. I wish him well, because he deserves that...and I know he'd wish the same for me.

Kata

Beautiful words nicegirl!

LexieCat

I left my second husband when he went back to drinking--he'd almost died a few months before, and I couldn't put myself through it a SECOND time. I was sad to leave him because he, too, was a basically decent man (though a very sick one).

I envisioned myself putting him into the hands of his Higher Power, and wished him well. No need to hate someone to need to say goodbye to him.

Hugs, you're better off splitting up before it gets to the point where you DO hate him--that's an awful way to feel.

nicegirlwny

I couldn't agree more. It was so easy for me to stay in denial about the reality of a relapse, until I saw him drunk this weekend. And so uncharacteristically angry and just plain mean the next morning. Not the man I thought I knew. Too much more of that and I doubt I'd be able to remember him with fondness and compassion, like I do today. The winds of change are literally kicking up a storm here, after such a spring like day in the 60's yesterday. I'll try to feel them blowing the sadness and anxiety out of my life, and bringing peace.

As I was at the park last night at sunset, crying and feeling awful, a stranger came up to me and said simply, "I just want to tell you God loves you." I'm taking that as a sign that everything will be ok.