Wonderful boyfriend, but don't expect any promises...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I also am of the mindset that it’s ONLY been 14 months of dating and it’s ONLY been 2 years of sobriety for him, really not allot of time to base a future on.
The fork in the road you have arrived at is one where you want a promise for the future from an A and reality is, that is just not realistic. He’s telling you he can’t give you the commitment you are seeking. So do you stay and continue dating hoping he changes or do you accept what he has told you and accept that a promise for a future with this man can’t be made.
This is what “dating” is all about. Discovering who and how other people are and if they are a fit into our own lives, wants and needs. It becomes our issues when we “feel” that we can make that round peg fit into our square world.
The fork in the road you have arrived at is one where you want a promise for the future from an A and reality is, that is just not realistic. He’s telling you he can’t give you the commitment you are seeking. So do you stay and continue dating hoping he changes or do you accept what he has told you and accept that a promise for a future with this man can’t be made.
This is what “dating” is all about. Discovering who and how other people are and if they are a fit into our own lives, wants and needs. It becomes our issues when we “feel” that we can make that round peg fit into our square world.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
atalose.....I basically see it the same way atalose does.
I faced a similar situation with a guy (years ago)......when they can't project into the future....after a respectable length of time....I would take it that he doesn't see a future for himself with you in it.....
I would take heed..take warning...he is telling you who he is......believe him.....
You have to take care of yourself....that is your first responsibility in life....
If you think that this is the only man on the planet of billions that you can be happy with....I propose that you would be wrong.....lol....
Maybe...just maybe...this isn't the one for you....?
dandylion
I faced a similar situation with a guy (years ago)......when they can't project into the future....after a respectable length of time....I would take it that he doesn't see a future for himself with you in it.....
I would take heed..take warning...he is telling you who he is......believe him.....
You have to take care of yourself....that is your first responsibility in life....
If you think that this is the only man on the planet of billions that you can be happy with....I propose that you would be wrong.....lol....
Maybe...just maybe...this isn't the one for you....?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by nicegirlwny 
It's so ironic, but as I continue to work on myself, being mindful of my own heart and dreams and learning to gently care for ME, I discover I'm just an old-fashioned girl who wants the fairy tale with this man. I can't help it. I'm also certain that joining this forum is the best thing I've done for myself in a long while, and maybe I do need to hit the pause button and really think about what it means to be in the trenches with a recovering alcoholic on a daily basis. I've never seen him drunk, or even have a drink, and sometimes I have the blinders on in terms of acknowledging that a relapse is a very real, constant threat that we would both live with every day. I'm really good at dismissing what doesn't fit with my view of things 
You've already gotten great feedback; I'll try to not repeat too many points.
Here's what I think is most important: educating yourself about addiction. And in light of the bolded sentence above, I'd recommend looking into codependency the same way. We Codies are sometimes highly skilled in our own denial when it supports our feelings of control or stability. More accurately: our illusions of control.
At 2+ years into recovery & sobriety my RAH relapsed horribly, out of nowhere. I was as blindsided as I had been originally when he first admitted he was an alcoholic. The difference this time was that I'd spent those same 2 years actively working my recovery while he'd been focused on just staying sober & doing the minimum required in terms of actual recovery work. But man, did he talk the talk. And in a lot of ways he walked it, but ultimately he had yet to fully, fully surrender his ego to his addiction. Time alone is not a marker of recovery growth.
I can say in all honesty that it seemed to take about a full year for RAH to start to really feel human again though, once he was sober. His sleep, diet, physical body, mental processes, etc - every single thing was affected like a domino affect over many, many months & I think that impacted how he prioritized his recovery to some extent. The first year of recovery was, in some ways, harder than when he was actively drinking. It was it's own kind of crazy, lol. So at 2 years in, yeah, that's not as long as it sounds by alternate ways of measurement.
I think the most important thing a partner of a recovering person has to accept is that this is a Forever Deal. Once it is in your life in a serious way, it is a permanent part of how you live. And if someday it isn't? It's best to be prepared, which is why educating yourself before you have a crisis situation is so important. (Most of us don't have that perspective - we tend to come to our recoveries as a last effort born of desperation, often after living through repeated crisis situations or even right in the middle of one.) By staying in my marriage, I have to fully accept that relapse is a possibility over which I have no control (and if history teaches me anything, I'll also most likely be completely unaware right up until the moment that it is happening).
You need to decide for you if you're willing to wait while he works through his commitment issues & any other kinks that his recovery is shining a light on. Certainly there is a lot of potential red-flag activity like the others have pointed out - definitely enough for you to be watchful of.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welp, ive been sober through aa for a while now.
that 2 years and recently starting step 4 caught my attention, pretty much because in the big book it says right after step 3:
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
its not a 3 step program. its not step 1,2,3, &12.
there is absolutely no way i could have learn how i was who i was without steps 4-11.
just my opinion, but if someone cant commit to all 12 steps i dont see how they can commit to a relationship.
i was working the 4th about 3 months in because i wanted to learn about me and my way and draggin my feet is one of the things that led me to the doors of aa.
that 2 years and recently starting step 4 caught my attention, pretty much because in the big book it says right after step 3:
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
its not a 3 step program. its not step 1,2,3, &12.
there is absolutely no way i could have learn how i was who i was without steps 4-11.
just my opinion, but if someone cant commit to all 12 steps i dont see how they can commit to a relationship.
i was working the 4th about 3 months in because i wanted to learn about me and my way and draggin my feet is one of the things that led me to the doors of aa.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Nicegirl,
Your post got me thinking.
I have no experience with a RA but in my 17 months with XABf I discovered that it is very easy to let alcohol become an excuse for anything that isnīt going as youīd like. You can fall into the trap of justifying anything because they are just not completely healthy, because there is this big phantom of addiction hanging in the background. You want to be there for them, which is a natural human instinct, but when you do, you suddenly realize you have given over more and more of your own needs, and completely forgotten about YOURself.
I remember one time after XABF had been on his rants one night - which had stressed me out tremendously - I told him he needed to learn how to deal with his anger. He answered No, the thing was *I* needed to learn how to deal with drunks. Har har.
So he just made some silly joke out of it and pushed my discomfort into the background.
Eventually, you get used to this, until youīve completely forgotten what itīs like to be treated like a real human being and then you suddenly realize youīve forgotten all about your own dreams and happily-ever-afters.
Like you, I had no experience at all with alcoholism. I thought it was something comparable to nicotine addiction - something that damaged the smokerīs health but not much more than that. So in the beginning I believed I had to respect his choice of drinking (though I did worry about his health). I did wonder if his lack of consideration of my emotions was some sort of mental problem, if he had some mild form of aspergers or whatever. But then it dawned on me that it was all related to alcohol.
Mind you, this doesnīt just go away. XAbfīs dad is a RA and his wife stood by him through more than 30 years of alcoholism, and theyīre still together. It is a very strange marriage, not at all what you would want for yourself. RAH isnīt verbally abusive nor seemingly unkind (he behaves in a very passive way), but it is very clear he doesnīt respect her at all. For instance, once he sent all their kids and her brothers a very ridiculous picture he had taken of her when she was on all fours trying to repair something in their home (I was there too, and the only one who was helping though I was just her sonīs gf).
She is constantly very bitter, getting into senseless arguments and doing a lot of swearing. So her kids - among them my XABF - treat HER like she is a mad old woman, whereas it is so obvious that she is the result of her husbandīs alcoholism. She was always very kind to me and Iīve always wondered why she didnīt leave her husband if he was so abusive, even now that he isnīt drinking anymore.
Just to illustrate further, when I was just dating my XABf, RA xfather in law gave me a (cheap) anti-wrinkle cream for Christmas. Which was completely unnecesary, it wasnīt like I was his sonīs fiancee or something, no need at all to give me anything. But yeah, his choice of gift was actually quite offensive, and I understood that I had to have a thick skin and very strong sense of humor to deal with this man. I was 43 then, XABfīs ex-wife was in her early 30īs (I think), so the message was obvious.
Of course, I donīt intend to generalize here, Iīm sure there are many RAs who have turned into nice people after a lot of work on themselves. Just take care of yourself and keep your eyes wide open at all times.
Your post got me thinking.
I have no experience with a RA but in my 17 months with XABf I discovered that it is very easy to let alcohol become an excuse for anything that isnīt going as youīd like. You can fall into the trap of justifying anything because they are just not completely healthy, because there is this big phantom of addiction hanging in the background. You want to be there for them, which is a natural human instinct, but when you do, you suddenly realize you have given over more and more of your own needs, and completely forgotten about YOURself.
I remember one time after XABF had been on his rants one night - which had stressed me out tremendously - I told him he needed to learn how to deal with his anger. He answered No, the thing was *I* needed to learn how to deal with drunks. Har har.
So he just made some silly joke out of it and pushed my discomfort into the background.
Eventually, you get used to this, until youīve completely forgotten what itīs like to be treated like a real human being and then you suddenly realize youīve forgotten all about your own dreams and happily-ever-afters.
Like you, I had no experience at all with alcoholism. I thought it was something comparable to nicotine addiction - something that damaged the smokerīs health but not much more than that. So in the beginning I believed I had to respect his choice of drinking (though I did worry about his health). I did wonder if his lack of consideration of my emotions was some sort of mental problem, if he had some mild form of aspergers or whatever. But then it dawned on me that it was all related to alcohol.
Mind you, this doesnīt just go away. XAbfīs dad is a RA and his wife stood by him through more than 30 years of alcoholism, and theyīre still together. It is a very strange marriage, not at all what you would want for yourself. RAH isnīt verbally abusive nor seemingly unkind (he behaves in a very passive way), but it is very clear he doesnīt respect her at all. For instance, once he sent all their kids and her brothers a very ridiculous picture he had taken of her when she was on all fours trying to repair something in their home (I was there too, and the only one who was helping though I was just her sonīs gf).
She is constantly very bitter, getting into senseless arguments and doing a lot of swearing. So her kids - among them my XABF - treat HER like she is a mad old woman, whereas it is so obvious that she is the result of her husbandīs alcoholism. She was always very kind to me and Iīve always wondered why she didnīt leave her husband if he was so abusive, even now that he isnīt drinking anymore.
Just to illustrate further, when I was just dating my XABf, RA xfather in law gave me a (cheap) anti-wrinkle cream for Christmas. Which was completely unnecesary, it wasnīt like I was his sonīs fiancee or something, no need at all to give me anything. But yeah, his choice of gift was actually quite offensive, and I understood that I had to have a thick skin and very strong sense of humor to deal with this man. I was 43 then, XABfīs ex-wife was in her early 30īs (I think), so the message was obvious.
Of course, I donīt intend to generalize here, Iīm sure there are many RAs who have turned into nice people after a lot of work on themselves. Just take care of yourself and keep your eyes wide open at all times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Given your age, I would say (as someone close to your age) that 14 months is way more than long enough to wait around for a commitment from anyone, alcoholic in recovery or not. I'm assuming that your friend is also near your age and is well old enough to know when he is stringing someone along.
With regard to the alcoholism issue, if you asked anyone on this board who has had an alcoholic partner if they would ever date an addict again, I suspect the answer (gained from bitter experience) would be a resounding NO by about 100%. It's not that we are cold, uncaring people. It's that we have already been through the cycle, the hope, the despair, the sobriety, the relapses, and we have seen our lives and the lives of others destroyed by the alcoholic...even the alcoholic in recovery. Addiction destroys lives, and not just the life of the addict. You cannot imagine the depths of misery that come with being with an addict, until you have lived it. It is highly unlikely that the scenario you are describing is going to have a happy ending.
You're in this relationship, too, and you have every right to "pry" into what he is doing for his recovery, where he feels he is at this point, and whether or not he envisions sharing a real life with you. I would have a firm talk with him about his timeline, his plans or lack thereof for a future with you, his past relationship history, etc. His reaction may be empathetic and positive...or it may be angry, defensive, blaming, critical and negative. You won't know who or what you're dealing with until you assert your right to know where this relationship is going.
If he's around your age, I suspect he has a long history of alcoholism. Addiction makes people selfish, self-centered, and immature, and freezes them in their emotional development at the age at which they became addicts. If someone becomes an alcoholic at age 25, then they will be stuck emotionally and psychologically at age 25 until they have done much (years!) of work to address the host of other symptoms that go along with alcoholism. So you may very well be dating a very immature individual who is not at all in the same place as you in his life. Physical age has nothing to do with emotional age.
Don't forget, too, that addicts can be incredibly charming and appealing individuals. They HAVE to be, because they need to use people to sustain their addiction and denial. They need money, they need someone to pick up the pieces of the disasters they create, and they need someone codependent who is willing to give and give and give to sustain their selfish lifestyle. Just because someone is "dry" doesn't make them sober. True sobriety comes not when an individual ceases to use a substance but when they engage in a honorable way in all of their relationships and interactions in life and are scrupulously honest with themselves and others.
A big part of Step Four is examining what AA calls the "sex conduct" of the addict. Addicts are well known for using charm, self-pity, guilt, sex, romance, professions of love (never backed up with actions), and manipulation to draw and keep their lovers near. If your friend has truly worked Step Four and done an inventory of his past and present sex conduct, he would know very well that he is enjoying your company as a woman with no strings attached. We have names for those types: player, user, etc.
As a woman around your age, I strongly urge you to learn more about codependency and seek counsel. You might also research about commitment phobia. You should put yourself first in all matters and not let romantic feelings cloud your ability to live a rewarding and enriching life in all ways. At our age, we don't have time to let others dictate the terms of our lives. We must be decisive, assertive, and actively seek out the love and the lives that we deserve. You sound like a good person. You deserve a partner who can give all that back to you, an equal.
Trust me, those good guys are out there! I found one several years ago after my alcoholic-in-recovery ex relapsed horribly and abandoned me. I'm grateful every day that he is gone! My current partner would walk through fire for me and our relationship is the healthiest one I've ever had. At my age, I don't want the drama and uncertainty of being with an alcoholic or commitment phobe. I enjoy true partnership, friendship, an extended circle of mutual friends, travel, and more with my partner. I never have to worry about where our relationship stands. My family loves him and his family loves me. That is what every good person deserves in a partner.
With regard to the alcoholism issue, if you asked anyone on this board who has had an alcoholic partner if they would ever date an addict again, I suspect the answer (gained from bitter experience) would be a resounding NO by about 100%. It's not that we are cold, uncaring people. It's that we have already been through the cycle, the hope, the despair, the sobriety, the relapses, and we have seen our lives and the lives of others destroyed by the alcoholic...even the alcoholic in recovery. Addiction destroys lives, and not just the life of the addict. You cannot imagine the depths of misery that come with being with an addict, until you have lived it. It is highly unlikely that the scenario you are describing is going to have a happy ending.
You're in this relationship, too, and you have every right to "pry" into what he is doing for his recovery, where he feels he is at this point, and whether or not he envisions sharing a real life with you. I would have a firm talk with him about his timeline, his plans or lack thereof for a future with you, his past relationship history, etc. His reaction may be empathetic and positive...or it may be angry, defensive, blaming, critical and negative. You won't know who or what you're dealing with until you assert your right to know where this relationship is going.
If he's around your age, I suspect he has a long history of alcoholism. Addiction makes people selfish, self-centered, and immature, and freezes them in their emotional development at the age at which they became addicts. If someone becomes an alcoholic at age 25, then they will be stuck emotionally and psychologically at age 25 until they have done much (years!) of work to address the host of other symptoms that go along with alcoholism. So you may very well be dating a very immature individual who is not at all in the same place as you in his life. Physical age has nothing to do with emotional age.
Don't forget, too, that addicts can be incredibly charming and appealing individuals. They HAVE to be, because they need to use people to sustain their addiction and denial. They need money, they need someone to pick up the pieces of the disasters they create, and they need someone codependent who is willing to give and give and give to sustain their selfish lifestyle. Just because someone is "dry" doesn't make them sober. True sobriety comes not when an individual ceases to use a substance but when they engage in a honorable way in all of their relationships and interactions in life and are scrupulously honest with themselves and others.
A big part of Step Four is examining what AA calls the "sex conduct" of the addict. Addicts are well known for using charm, self-pity, guilt, sex, romance, professions of love (never backed up with actions), and manipulation to draw and keep their lovers near. If your friend has truly worked Step Four and done an inventory of his past and present sex conduct, he would know very well that he is enjoying your company as a woman with no strings attached. We have names for those types: player, user, etc.
As a woman around your age, I strongly urge you to learn more about codependency and seek counsel. You might also research about commitment phobia. You should put yourself first in all matters and not let romantic feelings cloud your ability to live a rewarding and enriching life in all ways. At our age, we don't have time to let others dictate the terms of our lives. We must be decisive, assertive, and actively seek out the love and the lives that we deserve. You sound like a good person. You deserve a partner who can give all that back to you, an equal.
Trust me, those good guys are out there! I found one several years ago after my alcoholic-in-recovery ex relapsed horribly and abandoned me. I'm grateful every day that he is gone! My current partner would walk through fire for me and our relationship is the healthiest one I've ever had. At my age, I don't want the drama and uncertainty of being with an alcoholic or commitment phobe. I enjoy true partnership, friendship, an extended circle of mutual friends, travel, and more with my partner. I never have to worry about where our relationship stands. My family loves him and his family loves me. That is what every good person deserves in a partner.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's pretty much impossible to determine what his issues might be, and how (or even whether) they are related to his alcoholism.
Is a "future" really that important? Presumably you aren't looking for someone to start a family with (in the sense of having children together) at this stage of life. Do you need the economic security? These days, that's iffy for everyone. Do you really need to know exactly how your life will look 10 years from now, or 20? I hate to say it (as someone hitting the big 6-0 this year), but people in their 50s and 60s get cancer and have heart attacks. You could be widowed--those things happen sometimes without warning.
It's your life, but maybe if you concentrated on taking things a day at a time rather than seeking some illusory guarantee, you'd enjoy each other's company more.
Just my two cents.
Is a "future" really that important? Presumably you aren't looking for someone to start a family with (in the sense of having children together) at this stage of life. Do you need the economic security? These days, that's iffy for everyone. Do you really need to know exactly how your life will look 10 years from now, or 20? I hate to say it (as someone hitting the big 6-0 this year), but people in their 50s and 60s get cancer and have heart attacks. You could be widowed--those things happen sometimes without warning.
It's your life, but maybe if you concentrated on taking things a day at a time rather than seeking some illusory guarantee, you'd enjoy each other's company more.
Just my two cents.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
Many thanks for all the wise responses...I am very lucky to step into this forum and receive such a warm welcome. My boyfriend senses that I'm "off" the last few days (he's very good at that), and we just had a tense phone conversation which ended in his hanging up while I was still talking (yes, just talking, no drama or anger). To be fair, we both had difficult days in the separate parts of our lives, and that was the topic of the conversation. I texted afterwards that it's too bad the night ended that way for us, and it made me feel dismissed and small to be hung up on while I was talking...his response was maybe I shouldn't take such long pauses between sentences. If blame and complete dismissal of my feelings becomes the rule, I'll end it immediately. I recently read Girlfriend of Bill W, and the author States recovering addicts are so in tune with their feelings, and their partner's, that their relationships can be some of the best, with such great communication, blah blah. Sure doesn't feel that way tonight! BTW, has anyone here read that book? I'm curious if anyone found it helpful...
Also, I'm sure there are lots of wonderful relationships in recovery, I don't intend to generalize or be mean. And on the whole, if I don't factor in the future/intentions/whatever, our relationship is usually a good one. I'll stop whining now...peaceful night to all 😃
Also, I'm sure there are lots of wonderful relationships in recovery, I don't intend to generalize or be mean. And on the whole, if I don't factor in the future/intentions/whatever, our relationship is usually a good one. I'll stop whining now...peaceful night to all 😃
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Zero whining was done! You're confused and trying to understand what's going on with your boyfriend and doing your research. One of the best things about this site is that you get perspective from all sides.
Wishing you happiness, no matter what path you choose...
Wishing you happiness, no matter what path you choose...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by nicegirlwny
... we just had a tense phone conversation which ended in his hanging up while I was still talking (yes, just talking, no drama or anger)... I texted afterwards that it's too bad the night ended that way for us, and it made me feel dismissed and small to be hung up on while I was talking...his response was maybe I shouldn't take such long pauses between sentences.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
nicegirl.....if you ever get into a relationship with a man who cherishes you and treats you with respect---who is emotionally available and who lets you feel "Heard" and lets you know that your feelings do matter..as much as his,,,,,
I think you will look back an wonder what in the world kept you hooked in for so long......
Think about it....you say that the relationship is mostly good...but, I never see anyone coming to a site like this because t heir relationship is mostly good.....
A good relationship allows you to thrive....not be eaten up by doubt and conflict and feelings of rejection......
Love isn't supposed to hurt....
dandylion
I think you will look back an wonder what in the world kept you hooked in for so long......
Think about it....you say that the relationship is mostly good...but, I never see anyone coming to a site like this because t heir relationship is mostly good.....
A good relationship allows you to thrive....not be eaten up by doubt and conflict and feelings of rejection......
Love isn't supposed to hurt....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
You have all been so warm and supportive, I'm really hearing all of this and have started (this week) really hearing and taking note of his words and actions. He asked me if everything was ok because something "feels off" to him. I think he's sensing my shift and he doesn't like it. Maybe a small part of a woman's heart just isn't there to give to a man who makes her feel small and unimportant, and who he obviously doesn't see any future with. She'll need something to build on when it's over and she's on her own again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
Well, it finally happened. Argument, he stormed out, told me it was none of my business where he was going...maybe to the bar. 2+ years down the crapper tonight, I suppose. He did go to the bar, says he'll be back after his songs play on the jukebox. I'm just not cut out for this. Next I'll probably hear how it was all my fault.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
And so it begins. I'm sorry, I had higher hopes because at least he was being honest with you and not telling you what you wanted to hear as the easy way out. But those with 12 step experience and how long it should take seem to have gotten it right.
You've read the sad threads so now you know where this is probably leading...
Sendng you a big hug.
You've read the sad threads so now you know where this is probably leading...
Sendng you a big hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Nicegirl,
I sorry this happened.
Please remeber that whatever he says, whatever he tells you you did not cause his relapse. You are in now way responsible for him throwing 2+ years of sobriety down the crapper. You are not to blame.
If he does try, and he most likely will, keep on repeating that in your head : he chose to drink, he chose to go to the bar, he chose to order a drink, I am not to blame.
Repeat it as much as you need.
Hugs to you.
I sorry this happened.
Please remeber that whatever he says, whatever he tells you you did not cause his relapse. You are in now way responsible for him throwing 2+ years of sobriety down the crapper. You are not to blame.
If he does try, and he most likely will, keep on repeating that in your head : he chose to drink, he chose to go to the bar, he chose to order a drink, I am not to blame.
Repeat it as much as you need.
Hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 41
He finally did come back at 2am, along with a six pack, after "a pitcher" at the bar and one of his old drinking buddies' numbers in his phone. Poured out 4 of the 6, slept a few hours, then woke up angry, saying some hateful things and telling me I should just go home. So I did. No out right blaming me, but the message was there. Before I left, I asked him to please not drink again today. I hope he doesn't. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
My guess is that he will come back and *blame* you for his drinking. Sounds as though he has been wanting that drink and will use any excuse not to accept his own actions. This is what you would have to look forward to continuing in a relationship with him, I believe. Hugs to you as you go through this. Not easy by any means.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You checked his phone? Why?
Hopefully he will call his sponsor and get back on track. That's for him to address.
Relapses start way before the drink is picked up, so your argument may have provided the excuse but it wasn't the reason he picked up. He's got a lot of work ahead of him, and if he was uncommitted before, he certainly won't be in any shape to commit to anything for a while.
How much do you really know about alcoholism? If you're planning to stick around with this guy and see what happens, I'd suggest learning as much as you can and going to Al-Anon so you can stay on your side of the street.
Hopefully he will call his sponsor and get back on track. That's for him to address.
Relapses start way before the drink is picked up, so your argument may have provided the excuse but it wasn't the reason he picked up. He's got a lot of work ahead of him, and if he was uncommitted before, he certainly won't be in any shape to commit to anything for a while.
How much do you really know about alcoholism? If you're planning to stick around with this guy and see what happens, I'd suggest learning as much as you can and going to Al-Anon so you can stay on your side of the street.
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