miamifella

For awhile now, I wake up on Saturday with a little craving. It comes many times during the day, with increasing intensity.

I am trying to "surf" it, but I do not know how long I can keep that up. In the past I would have called on friends to help, but now they are all so grateful that the addiction is behind me, that I am afraid to tell them that I still feel things.

I contacted my old sponsor, who told me that until I give up this idea that people have the power to help me, I will never get the program.

I even went to a 12 step meeting and the topic was spirituality. I told them the problem I had and all the next shares are that if you cannot "get" spirituality you cannot do the program, or recover.

Is this weekly struggle the new Saturday night activity? (Yes, I have gone out on Saturday night...that just means I struggle later at night.)

miamifella

I guess like they say, no one can recover for you. It is something everyone has to do on their own. And if you try to bring company , its will end badly for both of you

Soberpotamus

People help by being supportive, by listening, caring and so on. But beyond that, it is up to me to actually stay sober. I alone have the power of choice to go get a bottle of wine, or not. And that is a choice I will face for the rest of my life. It does comfort me to know that I dont have to face it alone, because there is always someone here who is willing to listen and offer suggestions.

Dee74

Noones going to denigrate your need or you feeling the urges at SR, so it's good at least you're posting here.

It sounds to me like you're feeling the feelings, but not acting on them. That was the status quo for me for a while too, in my first year.

I refused to accept it was inevtable I caved - I'd battered that option into the ground.

So...I posted here, I got lots of advice I made sure I felt productive in my life, and if I was not happy at least I wasn't unhappy and I wasn't looking to getting drunk or high as some sort of deliverance.

Eventually the 'need' diminished.

Do you have any ideas on 'why now' MF?

D

miamifella

I thought after all this time that I was safe. This whole thing feels like I was walking down the sidewalk and a car jumps the curb to hit me.

It was not supposed to be this way. But it is this way.

Dee74

It's been a long time since I felt a craving or had a serious thought about going back to drugs or booze...but I had enough of those kinds of episodes not to be complacent, so although I consider a serious wobbly unlikely, I never consider my self 'safe'.

It's not a life lived on tenterhooks - I'm just being realistic. If anything happens I'm ready...if not, I'm still ready, lol

I think the measure of recovery lies in how we respond to thoughts, not in never having the thoughts.

I realise this flies in the face of some opinions, but there it is. This is my recovery.

If the thoughts are really troubling you MF why not try some other meetings - get some new faces involved?

D

RedManc7

Saturday's were a danger zone for me for the last couple of years re Heroin, I was so conditioned to scoring first thing Saturday morning (set myself up for the day, day off, switch off, need H) that if I'd struggled through 4 days being clean id always stumble on saturday. Getting away for a few weeks did the world of good break the cycle and now feel strong. Only 50+ days clean now so it's still early days but breaking that cycle was hard. Thank god it's done now.

RedManc7

Yes dee we have thousands of thoughts per day, pretty impossible that at this stage not to have any about heroin. My thoughts are about the wasted years, not about using or romanticising using I'd be worried if that the case.

miamifella

I have been to a few meetings and have not censored myself as I did in the past, speaking openly about craving and lacking a higher power. And each time I have gotten the message that I am not really right for the program.

This is fine, since I really found recovery through other people so I cannot say that I think that everyone is powerless to help me with my addiction. And the things that people in 12-step recovery DO help people with are the areas that I am satisfied with (good career, apartment, etc.).

It does help that I am getting older and the prospect of coming down after the high is enough to dissuade me. I think I have started to consider looking for a relationship which may have triggered this. Sex is a trigger for me and I probably need to embrace celibacy with more enthusiasm.

NoelleR

1) I believe, miamifella, you and I have discussed this in the past, and my suggestion was to find yourself another group, or another bunch of meetings; there are 80+ groups in the Miami/Dade area, with over 750 meetings a day.

2) I don't know about there, but both here in TX and in CA, I didn't get help with a career or a home, although my sponsor (who was an electrician) did take me on as an apprentice for a while, so I could afford to eat, and I will admit, I did house-sit a couple of times for some folks, but I never got a permanent abode.

Just a couple of suggestions................

(o:
NoelleR

miamifella

I have been to dozens of groups and these new groups were ones that I never attended before.

I have seen on this site, that there is a lot of regional variation. (I just read a recommendation to bring cookies to a meeting, which would be a definite no-no in Florida groups.) In my experience, since the first step says that we are all powerless over alcohol or addiction, group members focus on helping with the "unmanageable" areas of life. (job, relationships, etc.) Or like my sponsors, they wait for you to get to step 4.

To be honest, I have never been comfortable with opening my whole life up in that way, which was (and is) an obstacle with the program. Since I do not have a higher power and I do not want to open other areas of life for their suggestions, there really is not much they can do for me if they are going to follow the program.

Either way, I got through the night. And it would have been the same whether I was in the program or not. I always heard in meetings that it is you and your higher power--or it is just you alone--when the urge hits.

And I got through it.

miamifella

After writing that, I think what I really want is just someone to talk to when I am going through this.

I think I need to open up to friends. Going to meetings is not going to help this, since it is really earthly, one-on-one help that works for me.

courage2

Hi miamifella -- I'm with you in sympathy. I was addicted to speed a long long time ago and it was literally decades before I never craved drugs, and now that I'm off alcohol, sometimes I do again. And the last few days I've been thinking of drinking, more than in a long time. Like you, I'm also not likely -- barring a miracle LOL -- to get the spiritual solution any time soon.

I think for me what's going on is a new stage of acceptance. I'm finally seeing my sober personality and character day in and day out, and there's a lot I don't like about it. I know I can't drink anymore, but I wish I could, because I wish myself to go away. I'm resisting accepting myself.

I can only hope that Dee's right, and that it's how you deal with the desire to use at this point. Nowadays when I want to drink, it seems like a good idea. But it's just an idea. Even when I don't remember why, I don't take any action to drink or use.

I think helping others is always a good path, in whatever way you can. And spending your time --especially Saturdays -- with people who understand and will support you in staying straight -- that helps them, too.

Best wishes to you!

miamifella

Thanks Courage. Unfortunately the friends I feel that I can open up to about this live far from me, so I cannot spend Saturdays with me. I think you are right that it helps them too. Being with such people is great and the support is wonderful.

My friends in Miami are all connected to my work and while they all know I am a recovering addict, I cannot be so open with them.

The support of my far-away friends really saved me. I think that is what I looked for when I went to meetings, but I have to just accept 12-step recovery for what it is and not go looking there for a kind of support that it just cannot give.

courage2

I was hoping to find relationships that would be personally meaningful to me through AA -- I mean people I'd really want to be involved with, not just on alcoholism. In 2 years, it hasn't happened. It's not the fault of the program or the people -- I'm very introverted and rarely develop attachments to other people. I think that's true for lots of other people in 12 step programs.

Even recognizing the limits of the 12-step program for you, I hope you won't stop going if it's your main live support. Sometimes it's been huge for me just to have a place to go to see faces. And getting a home group isn't exactly having a group of friends, but it's a kind of companionship -- in misery, sometimes LOL.

miamifella

I am not so sure about meetings. I think hearing everyone talking about how great their lives are is not always the best thing. I used to try my best to keep to experience strength and hope--so I never discussed the problems I was having. This time, I talked about the problems and the group is very clear that the groups see this as inappropriate. They just want to hear the good things.

I do not feel it is possible to get support when you cannot share what is bothering you. Or it is not for me. Maybe when I started I needed to hear only positive things, but years later I need to speak about my problems--and I can handle hearing other talk about their problems. But when a main tenant of the group is against that, it only breeds despair and a feeling of worthlessness in me.

They always say that AA, NA, etc is not a support group. I think what i need IS a support group.

biminiblue

I think what is more to the point being expressed is that "problems" are not usually as helpful to people as how we put a positive spin on problems.

Let's face it - someone who is in relatively good health and who has a roof over their head and regular meals really doesn't have problems. All the stuff we make up in order to keep ourselves wrapped in drama, misery, despair and negative thoughts is just that. Made up.

If the mindset is looking at things as problems rather than opportunities, maybe therapy or medication would help. I don't think AA should be a "woe is me" ventfest. Honestly, that is one of the big things that pushed me away from AA. Too much depression and sadness can be contagious. I would go in to meetings feeling really good and leave meetings feeling awful. ANGTFT.

I can't afford to give those negative thoughts a place to grow. There's something in the BB that says something to the effect that, "We cannot afford the grouch or the brainstorm," and then something about it being dangerous to an alcoholic. It's dangerous to everyone: alcoholic/drug addicts just have a ready means to kill themselves because of it.

In the Bible one way it is stated is:

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

It is a mindset. We always have the choice to look at any situation in a way that will foster our growth and health. Things that are undoubtedly uncomfortable still usually have a solution.

miamifella

I guess you are right for some people, but it leaves people with cravings or difficulties finding a higher power feeling isolated.

To me it seems that a group dedicated to recovery ought to be okay with people expressing their problems in finding recovery. I think that actually would be more usefull to some of us.

To me having everyone share their positive news about how they are getting promoted, married, upgrading their home etc is less helpful. I want to know that I am not alone in having problems staying recovered.

But that is why I get more from SR than AA

miamifella

Also, I have to disagree. Having a roof over your head and good health does not mean you have no problems if you desperately want to drink or use. The desire to relapse is a very big problem.

Focusing only on the positive when tempted to drink or use may help some people, but for me it is denial and hold a very real danger of relapse

biminiblue

I understand that you are saying you can't even think positive about thinking positive, but our reactions to our thoughts are all we have any control over.

You are not alone in wanting to use - every person in recovery has those thoughts. The only way out is to challenge our thinking. I hope some day it will make some sense. Have you tried therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavior Therapy? It works well with obsessive thinking.