Noones going to denigrate your need or you feeling the urges at SR, so it's good at least you're posting here.
It sounds to me like you're feeling the feelings, but not acting on them. That was the status quo for me for a while too, in my first year.
I refused to accept it was inevtable I caved - I'd battered that option into the ground.
So...I posted here, I got lots of advice I made sure I felt productive in my life, and if I was not happy at least I wasn't unhappy and I wasn't looking to getting drunk or high as some sort of deliverance.
Eventually the 'need' diminished.
Do you have any ideas on 'why now' MF?
D