Stung

AH called me bawling his eyes out. He drank again today. He can't stop. He's skipped out on an appointment with his therapist. AGAIN.

I don't know what to tell him other than maybe he should look into going to rehab.

He just wants to argue and blame shift so I hung up on him. He called me back. I answered. More blame shifting. Hung up on him again.

His therapist told him to call rehab. I said that's great news, I hope he goes!

In the meantime he's blowing up my phone because he's afraid to call anyone else but he just wants to alternate between me being the bad guy and having a pity party for himself. God forbid that he call anyone else, lest they know that he's an alcoholic. Gasp.

I'm getting so sick of him and so tired of him having a monopoly on having problems. Try being a single mother with an alcoholic husband trying to force his problems on you. I don't know what his problem is but I'm getting so very tired of hearing about how he's unsuccessfully dealing with them.

WendyOR

Big hugs, be strong.... I am so sorry. Reading these things just makes me shake my head and think, what about the problems they try to create in our lives I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself.

Stung

I just cannot understand how selfish he is. He left here on Saturday morning bawling his eyes out. Since then our 2 year old keeps asking me where daddy is, especially at bedtime. She knows that daddy is sad and daddy is sick but she misses him. My poor sweet girl just wants to give her sad daddy a hug and instead he's isolating himself and getting drunk.

lizatola

Oh Stung, I'm so sorry, especially for your little girl. All I can say is 'good for you for hanging up on him when the blaming stuff started'! I wish I had done this many many years ago earlier in my marriage. It may have saved both of us a ton of heartache. You are a strong woman and you are doing the best you can for your kids and for yourself right now. Sending you virtual hugs tonight!

jarp

It really sucks when we are left being the ones to try to explain the other parents absence to our little ones. Sometimes I think it's easy for the other A....they don't have to witness the pain of their children....they can pretend that they are doing the right thing by YOU and the kid/s by taking themselves away.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time but well done in hanging up on him. The self pity thing is so hard to deal with.

MissFixit

I am sorry you are frustrated. What is the "good news?" He is going to rehab, maybe?

amy55

I think he kind of put you on a pedastal. Thing is, if you say what he wants to hear, you are the best, if you tell him what he doesn't want to hear he downgrades you to all the other people who are against him.

Stung

Good news would be rehab. I think that's where he's headed, but who knows, he never ceases to surprise me.

Amy, I think that's pretty accurate although I've never thought of it that way. I want him to stop reaching out to me though, I don't feel sorry for him. He's just being stubborn and indignant at this point. He knows what he needs to do, he is too proud or too scared to do it. I've lead this horse to water many times, he knows where to go when he's in need, he just won't do it. Took a few hundred times for me to learn but I'm just not getting involved anymore. It's ridiculous at this point.

amy55

The pedastal - he just wants you to agree with him, he will bawl and cry and tell you how the entire world is against you, and you feel pity for him, and tell him that he is right, and if you don't do that, then you join the world of his enemies.

Black and White thinking, so that he can get his way.

lizatola

Wow, Amy! Not to hijack Stung's thread, but this has been my life for longer than I can remember. Yet, my AH would never actually say I was the enemy but the things he said and the crazy making made me think that I was just as bad as the rest of the world in his eyes. And, the pedestal thing, I can relate to, too. I think that once I started detaching, I fell off that pedestal in his mind and it's been a huge wakeup call for all of us.

amy55

Liz, I was told that I was the enemy, and that he can do and say anything that he needs to, to take the enemy down.

Ps. And then of course we have sex and make up

PPS. -- He wanted to have the sex because he defeated the enemy. "Me". It was to congratulate himself

ShootingStar1

Maybe it is time to tell him that you'd love for him to recover, and you'd love for him to follow his therapist's advice and go to rehab, but beyond that support, there is nothing you can do for him until HE makes HIS OWN choice to recover.

So, till then, tell him, don't call me until you are well into recovery.

Then go no contact and use the time to take care of yourself and your daughter. Your life can and must go on even if he is in a permanent state of waffle.

ShootingStar1

HikerLady

Yep, eventually you mute the duck (alcoholic mutterings of your partner) in your head and move about your day coping and dealing with the things you do have the power to change for the better. You hit that mute button Stung and keep on venting here and to friends for support in your struggles, you've got your hands full and we all get it. The difference between you complaining/venting is that we know you'll actually do what you need to do to cope and deal with the problems. Go you!

hopeful4

O Stung, I am so sorry for you and your babies. It's really hard whey they just won't leave you alone. I don't blame you for not feeling sorry for him. Man up already!

I hope you continue to take good care of YOU. The more you hang up the easier it will become to do.

FireSprite

Aw Stung, that just sucks. It's amazing how you can be the "cause of & solution to" all of his problems at the same time, isn't it? Aren't you just a pile of Walking Magic Pixie Dust?

I *hate* that push/pull of pity (poor me) & blame. You can't win, there's no way to engage properly especially when he's in a terribly desperate frame of mind. He's got to get around his ego on his own & reach out for help & he WILL once he really gets that you aren't going to cave & accept this quacking.

I hope you are feeling better today. ((((HUGS)))))

HopefulinFLA

Ick. Just what you need, another child to deal with!

It really does sound like rehab would be the best place for him right now. I hope he goes.

Maybe you could try a short term no contact with him. It would certainly give you a little peace, and it might motivate him to find the kind of support he NEEDS.

Hammer

Figured that it was she is dis-inclined to put up with the crap, anymore.

Kind of like:

Bad News -- Still more crap.

Good News -- I aint taking it.

redatlanta

Oh man. Sorry Stung.

You already know the words of wisdom.

SeriousKarma

This is not unlike when a baby cries,and cries in their crib. They need to go to sleep but think they can't on their own. "Get in here and rock me, d@mnit!"

Hanging up on him is kind of like using the Ferber method on alcoholics.

Stung, you really are doing great. Hanging up like that is no easy feet. I pray he goes into rehab if for no other reason than that you can get a bit of rest. (((( hugs ))))

Stung

No contact is not a good move for me. It's a really controlling thing to do (once I justify and start a little controlling stuff the line gets blurred for me) and I still need his money and when he does show up he's actually a decent dad and our girls love him. It's in his best interest to not call me acting like a crazy. It's just obnoxious. He cannot be here when he's been drinking, he knows that and agrees. He still has to do sober link when he comes into my home. I won't gamble when it comes to child custody and as long as I'm allowing for controlled access to our kids it keeps that realm free of chaos.

In terms of him going to rehab, he'll go if he wants to. I'm not lifting a finger to help. I could so very easily login and find a rehab covered by our insurance for him to go to, or schedule an appt for him with his doctor. I could DO a million and one things for him, part of me wants to too, but BTDT, it doesn't work unless he does it for himself and he's FULLY capable and has all of the resources. He just isn't doing it. His choice. I'm here, taking care of our kids, home, finances and trying to make more money and live a happy life independent of him. I've been doing pretty good so far this week. He's stuck in a drama circle. He knows where the exit is when he's ready to stop. Hopefully my kids will learn that we just observe crazy people and don't become involved with their crazy.