hopeful4

I think them being gone and in a safe environment gives you the opportunity to completely let go of it for a while, which leads to relief. I hope you give yourself some R&R this weekend!!!!

XXX

Stung

Yeah, it's totally a mix but I'm way happy. It's like he was a 200 pound weight that I didn't realize I was carrying. Now I kinda wish he was going for 90 days. Lol I was thinking that this would be a preview of divorce but it's not. Having no contact with him isn't possible outside of a scenario like this.

It's his first rehab stay. First anything like this ever. Their website makes it look like summer camp for adults though and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little envious. He was looking at Betty Ford at first but he chose something a little less cushy. I offered zero input and have absolutely zero involvement.

CodeJob

Stung, I am glad he went.

Here's the link to the free 21 day meditation I am currently doing. Nice to have some variety of Deepak talking you down... I also like that they are just 20 minutes!

https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience

redatlanta

Very happy he has chosen to go. Hoping the best for you and your family and sending prayers that this time......he gets it.

Stung

He called me last night and he sounded so sad. I asked him if it was like summer camp and he told me no. I asked if it was like bootcamp and he said yes. Is it really like bootcamp or was he just sad because his BFF vodka didn't go away with him? Maybe he saw the other addicts there and finally realized that he really is one of them.

MissFixit

Rehabs vary. But, they do keep you (at least they kept my ex) on a structured schedule. For an adult that might feel like bootcamp, poor baby. My ex had to get up early for meditation and then a buffet breakfast, boo hoo. There was therapy and group work until noon/lunch. No escaping reality and reality shoved in your face, but other than that he isn't plowing fields for 14 hours a day in 105 heat or anything hard like that.

dandylion

LOL.....he doesn't have to LIKE it.

I didn't LIKE a lot of things that turned out..later....to be of great benefit to me.

dandylion

readerbaby71

At the rehab my bf went to (and is returning to) everyone had chores and got up at 7:00 am for breakfast. He started getting up earlier to take a shower and get first dibs on coffee (lol). He helped in the kitchen as he loves to cook and has worked in restaurants for years. It is a bit like bootcamp but he was in the army so it it was a piece of cake for him. I think that super-cushy rehabs don't really help people communicate in a realistic way and work together as a community. So many addicts are that way because they've shut themselves off from other human beings and the world. Learning to relate again is a big deal. It's highly structured and there's nowhere to escape, which is also a good thing.

I wish your husband the best and hope you get some peace while he's gone. xo

Hammer

Really having been down the path, I have to tell you things do not tend to go much better than all this.

SUPER!

So happy for you (both).

Like you noted, 90 days may be better, but 30 is good, too.

Wonderful.

Things to think ahead for you (maybe).

Many Rehabs have family day(s) / family weekend.

You may want to consider to go (or not).

If so, the site will cover many things that you have already learned here, your own T, and in Alanon. Most folks I see attend, seem to benefit.

But the REAL DEAL -- This means 30 days for Stung to Work on Stung, if you so choose it.

Life don't get much better. Again, Super for both of you.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is both a physical and mental disorder. Alcoholics CRAVE alcohol, it's an obsession (the same way codependents obsess about alcoholics). Sometimes the craving is lifted, as it was for me when I got sober in 1991. But in order to stay sober, there must be willingness, openess and honesty. You have to be willing to go to ANY lengths to stay sober, and for me that meant AA. What helped me was being terrorified I couldn't stay sober.

In early sobriety I heard in meetings: "look to the right, look to the left, in a year only one of you will be sober." In other words, most people don't stay sober. It's important to realize this hard reality because otherwise we think rehab equals a happy, joyous and free life. That if the alcoholic stops drinking he/she will be a terrific person. It takes hard work and a good deal of time to change.

Nobody can predict who will stay sober, who won't. Simply pray for him, there's nothing more you can do than that. But take care of yourself. Alanon is wonderful, it saved my sanity when I became obsessed with a very destructive alcoholic (who happened to be sober many years).

Stung

In the grand scheme of long term sustained sobriety going to rehab is equivalent of going to the first day of college and then declaring yourself a doctor. Rehab is simply to build a foundation. I no longer entertain ideas of him being "fixed" or "cured" anymore than I entertain those ideas about myself. He's an alcoholic. I expect him to drink.

I do attend alanon and I actually went this morning (even though I really didn't want to) and then met my sponsor afterwards. She was really happy that I gave AH and myself the dignity to make his own decisions about rehab. That made me feel good. I heart my sponsor.

But AH called me again from rehab. He's so sad. I wonder why he's calling me though. Our relationship is so screwy that I think he's calling me because he wants me to miss him. I think he wants me to be sad that he's gone. I think he's looking for a response from me that isn't something that a wife would give her husband. I think he's looking for me to pity him and mother him. It makes me think that if I missed his next call that I'd be doing him a favor, but that's controlling because his calls aren't harming me but I think his intent is harming him.

In the meantime, yesterday I started "30 days of fun" for myself and our daughters. We're about to go exploring and find some fun for day 2.

FireSprite

This is part of the rebuilding dynamic that we struggle with more than RAH sees/admits to. I'm his lighthouse/mom/control/checkpoint/drill sgt for all things in life. When we were younger I thought it was adorable & devoted & it WAS in a lot of ways, but through the twisted tunnel of addiction it's changed into more of a rebellious teen/tantruming toddler/AWOL soldier any & every time he had no other tool in his arsenal.

When he was actively drinking, this is ALL I got from him in a lot of ways. This arrested mental development that they speak of - he refused to call the shots himself but resented me for doing it at the same time. I was damned if I did (controlling B!) & damned if I didn't ( _xxx__ didn't get done). In a way, he set me up to fail & I accepted it. He could be free of the burden of the decision no matter what happened; it would always default to MY fault.

Until we were separated. Then it got harder & harder as time went on for him to retain that HFA image. He couldn't deflect AS MUCH onto me & that got harder allll the time. I was catching on to his secret drinking in more ways than *I* understood at the time but he saw it coming & it made him sweat. That's when his bad behavior hit it's height.

This is where (again, speaking for MY situation) we have run into a disparity in our recovery growth. In too many ways he still looks to me for *that* kind of support & we both need to break that habit. The harder I worked at & grew in MY recovery & the less he had in his created a wider chasm between where we now stand in our understanding, patience, long-view, spirituality, tolerance, etc. I can only tread water for so long & at SOME POINT there has to be a bridge between our recoveries so that maybe we don't cross sides, but it starts to merge together a bit more in certain places.

That's why that post, the "in between place" really resonated for me the other day.

So while I am "in between" today I took my girl to the mall after her meditation classes (& after we bought some new stones/crystals) & we spent the afternoon largely people watching, food court hanging, pretzel-eating & talking & laughing. I'm sure you found something awesome to do with your girls today too!

For me, it'd be like this. I wouldn't AVOID his calls, but I wouldn't plan my days around them either & if I missed one, you know, that sucks. Guess it wasn't meant to happen that time. I also wouldn't (like I'm sure you already don't) play into the poor me-poor me-poor me mindset. Yes it's going to suck. It's REHAB not VEGAS.

jarp

Stung I'm glad your AH has at least taken the step to go to rehab.

My AH would be calling too....my therapist has suggested that this is a part of the unhealthy dance between us, and that he is just as dependant on me as I am on him. That even though he's been deplorable, that I am a part of his addiction. Not that I CAUSED it, but that he is addicted to the drama of our relationship. As I have been.

30 days of fun sounds brilliant.....share with us what you do.....I might just borrow that idea.

Take care.




ETA FireSprite posted at the same time as I did and said SO SO much better than I, what I meant. In my relationship she really hit the nail on the head....especially with the dependant toddler/ rebellious teen analogy. PERFECT.

dandylion

Stung.....he wouldn't have responded to you as a dependent child if you had not presented as a controlling mother type. I apologize for how blunt that must sound to you.
But we all have antennae for certain traits that we "sense" in others...and, are attracted for either positive or negative reasons---much of which is at a subconscious level.

Lol....I can almost feel your anger at him almost sizzling off the page--for these behaviors.
I doubt that he does these things to deliberately hurt you....but, he is just doing what he does......and, what he is accustomed to doing in the past. This is how he is.

If it were possible for you to accept this as well as the role that you play in this.....perhaps it would be easier to redirect the energy going into the intense anger into your own recovery in some way.

I know how exhausting it can be to be constantly angry and trying to change the behaviors of someone else...sigh....

sincerely,
dandylion

jarp

Oh yes dandylion I sprightly in my case....you can't have a dependant toddler woot a controlling parent!!!! And I played my role very well!

I have been trying to change that dynamic in myself, and leaving AH's teen-turned-toddler-turned-teen dynamic for him to worry about. If I don't act like his parent, then he can't be a child.

redatlanta

I would say he is calling because you are his wife and he is scared. Rehab is scary he is getting rid of one of his closest friends.

Of course I don't know and neither do you. Maybe as the days go on he will calm become more comfortable.

Stung

You know, it might just be that simple and I'm totally over thinking it by guessing at his motives. Guess I need to do a better job focusing on myself, huh.

Dandy, believe it or not, I'm actually not mad that he called me (I know I'm angry a lot but it's my go-to, I don't do vulnerable very well, anger is much easier for me.) LOL I'm surprised. I didn't think I would hear from him at all during his stay and now I've heard from him twice out of the two days that he's been there. And I totally know that I'm controlling and fill that role big time. I've been doing a really good job of being aware of my own controlling tendencies which is making his own dependent tendencies really stick out to me. We really are two opposites that attract. What we lack is any kind of balance. My counselor has said that there are lots of relationships where one person "wears the pants" even women, but there needs to be balance and both parties do need to be heard and in my marriage it's a LOT of black and white with little to no grey areas.

I think what I'm missing here is the perspective that rehab may not be enjoyable for him. From where I sit, I can only see the perks: someone cooking every meal for you, talking about your feelings to people who are listening attentively, having dedicated recreational time, getting lots of sleep. I'm sleep deprived, over worked and in dire need of a few hours of me time let alone a whole month without responsibilities. While he may see rehab as painful or scary, I view it as a privilege. From where I sit it sounds like a retreat. Like a fun, rejuvenating, restorative retreat.

With that said, even if he's reaching out to me this has been an on-going point of consternation for me. He wants to lean on me like I'm his lifeline and I keep having to rebuff him. Calling to check in is one thing but calling me for reassurance is inappropriate. I'm sure he has his sponsor's phone number too, who would be a better suited source of support at this point in his recovery. Especially since I think rehab sounds like a blast. He's not going to find the support that he wants from me. I've already learned that exact same lesson the hard way.

Jarp, yesterday was day 1 and I took my girls to the aquarium south of here. It's huge and amazing and free since we're annual members. Today was day 2 and I took my girls on a nature walk this afternoon, my toddler is a total nature girl. She just wants to touch every leaf, critter and flower that she happens upon.

NWGRITS

You mentioned that he might call and say how much he is just like the other addicts there. My AM would always call and go on about how she was nothing like the other addicts in rehab. Every single time (until I quit talking to her, anyway). Hopefully your AH is having the realization that he has a problem and isn't any different than any other addict on the planet. Just remember that this isn't summer camp because his body is being completely cut off from his DOC. That's painful. Being cut off from our DOC can be painful too, even in the light and joy that is an alcohol-free home. This is rehab for you too, just with cute little babies and nature walks instead of cafeteria food and talking about your feelings for hours on end. Take this time to really focus on yourself and your girls. You shouldn't feel guilty at all for not answering the phone. You need time, too.

And I almost spit tea on my keyboard, because my husband is always saying "Goosfraba!"

hopeful4

My x called me aloy from rehab. Partly i think bc that is what everyone else does before they form friendships. Ill be honest , i wish i would not have talked to him much bc it robbed time away from me focusing on me, i was busy waiting for his call or over analyzing what he was saying. Love the 30 days of fun, sounds....fun! Breathe and take care of yourself!

readerbaby71

I thought most rehabs limited calls to family, especially in the beginning. I think we talked a total of 3-4 times the whole month he was there, including a three-way conversation with his rehab counselor. I guess they're all different.