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The inevitable relapse

Old 08-31-2014, 02:56 PM
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The inevitable relapse

AH stopped going to meetings about 2 weeks ago. He tried to make amends to me which was laced with blame, excuses, and basically passing all the relationship responsibilities onto me. So, I didn't respond the way he expected, of course, and he stopped going to meetings. That may not be why he stopped going but the course of events leads me to believe it was a catalyst.

Fast forward to today. I am out of town. He is home with the dog. A friend of mine saw him at Total Wine picking up today's stash. She said he didn't see her so I'm sure that he doesn't think I'd ever find out. Funny, how I saw this coming and it doesn't phase me at all. I'm not angry, it is what is is. I figured this was the way things were headed. Honestly, at this point I'm just sad for him. I can only hope and pray that he crawls back into the rooms of AA again. Not to save our marriage but, at this point, to save himself.

Recovery is hard, in both sides of the fence. I have finally found compassion for him and I am letting go of a lot of the anger and resentment. I don't know why but I feel good, and that is truly a blessing from my higher power.
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Old 08-31-2014, 03:07 PM
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I'm sorry Liz, wish it didn't have to go that way. I wish it didn't seem so predictable for him & his cycles.

I'm glad you are sounding focused on you though, I'm sure it won't be long before he 'outs' himself somehow... he can never quite handle the pressure of hiding it for too very long once he starts back again, right? (if I remember his history?) (((((HUGS)))))
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Old 08-31-2014, 03:59 PM
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Wow! You are amazing! I would not react like this at all. I admire you do much!!! What strength and confidence you have!
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Old 08-31-2014, 04:08 PM
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What a journey it's been to get this far huh?! I know I've felt the same way when my hubby would relapse. So much sorrow for them but you still have to live. I know where you've been and who you've become. Its freeing in some way to NOT feel the responsibility they prefer you deal with because it's too much for them.

Keep taking care of you liztola! That's all you can do! I send you much love and strength to keep loving you and not worry about him! You'll be ok!
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Old 08-31-2014, 04:55 PM
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From the Big Book:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
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Old 08-31-2014, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
From the Big Book:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
I have had this quote in my phone and read it daily. Working on acceptance has been key to my recovery and helps me live in reality. Actually, this past week my son was struggling with his Tourette's tics and I read this to him to help him work on accepting his condition and working on finding peace with it. Thank you for sharing it here, because I know that others will find it helpful, too!

I'm still at peace. I drive home late tomorrow and I have a busy week to focus on. I'm just looking forward to living life one day at a time!
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Old 08-31-2014, 08:58 PM
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If he stopped going to meetings because he didn't get the reaction he wanted out of you, then it was just a matter of time before he stopped going anyway.

I'm saying that from experience. My ex is a skillful manipulator and made everyone in his rehab clinic think he was a model addict-in-recovery. Until he understood that there was absolutely nothing he could do, ever, to make me come back. Then he started drinking again.

I refuse to take responsibility for that. I'm glad you're realizing that his recovery is his own, and that yours is your responsibility.
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Old 09-01-2014, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I'm not angry, it is what is is.
One of my favorite quotes from Byron Katie..."When I argue with reality, I loseóbut only 100% of the time"

I have to remind myself that I must love "what is", because it is what it is, REALITY.

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Old 09-01-2014, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
If he stopped going to meetings because he didn't get the reaction he wanted out of you, then it was just a matter of time before he stopped going anyway.

I'm saying that from experience. My ex is a skillful manipulator and made everyone in his rehab clinic think he was a model addict-in-recovery. Until he understood that there was absolutely nothing he could do, ever, to make me come back. Then he started drinking again.

I refuse to take responsibility for that. I'm glad you're realizing that his recovery is his own, and that yours is your responsibility.
Well the only reason I said that was because, in his amends, he said this, "I did what you told me to do. I got a therapist, I'm going to AA, and I now know why you asked me to do that." He went on to then say that I really only asked him to do it and that the decision had to be his but initially I got the feeling that he was saying; ok, I did what you wanted so now can we have sex? Right after that, he brought up my hormonal issues from a few years ago and how he took my physical problem personally and that his selfish alcoholism only allowed him to see how my pituitary problem was affecting his sex life and that he was sorry for not being more caring.

I kinda thought the stingray incident was more important, in my own mind, LOL, since he was still getting sex twice a week despite my hormonal imbalances, ugh. For those who don't know; I got stung by a sting ray while on vacation and had a large puncture wound along with pain comparable to childbirth. He fought me on taking me to the hospital despite the urgency from the lifeguards. He didn't want to spend the money. Guess I still have some resentment to work on over this one...sigh!
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Old 09-01-2014, 07:59 PM
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Hi Liz, one of the hardest lessons for me is that acceptance means I simply accept them for what they are. It didn't mean I had to accept all the unacceptable behavior that came with it.

Your friend,
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Old 09-02-2014, 05:16 AM
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Acceptance means I simply accept them for what they are. It didn't mean I had to accept all the unacceptable behavior that came with it.
^^^
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Old 09-02-2014, 07:20 AM
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You are recovering. When you can free yourself of the resentments and move on in your life, huge change is being made!!!

Hugs!!! XXX
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:41 AM
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I'm so very sorry, my friend. Keep taking care of you. ((HUGS))
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