Hammer

hahahahha. ahhh.

Understatement of the year.

Most A's would rather do some jail time than Rehab.

Very scary thing to them, from what I have observed.

Picture a scared dog at the Vet.

Stung

That's ridiculousness. I was telling my counselor a few months ago she should seriously have a pedicurist in her office and I could have my feet rubbed while I had my sessions with her. The pedicurist would just have to wear noise canceling earphones so my privacy would still be in tact. Rehab seems like that but on a much larger scale. Talk about your feelings, then go swimming or climb the obstacle course or go play beach volleyball and then talk about your feelings some more. I think jail would be scary. My sponsor thinks AH likely has celebrities staying at his rehab. There is no way it's like prison. If I had a wife to take care of my children and home for me I would happily sign myself up for a little rehab.

BoxinRotz

I can relate to some of your feelings of anger and sh!t stung. My RAH never wanted rehab but he needed it. I think, at my worst, I had uttered the words: I'm so sick of men having a bigger vagina than I do!

I've read all of your comments but skipped others just to get a quick run down of the issues you're dealing with right now. You seem to have come a long way since you joined. Nothing like growing up huh? lol It sucks!!! I know what it's like. I know what it's like to hear nothing but total ******** come from their lips. Say one thing, do another.

I truly never wanted to divorce my husband but I could have rung his neck a few good times. Learning to step out of the ring and let them beat the hell out of themselves taught me a lot. It became easier for me not to get hurt but you have 2 little ones you have to protect... I just had my dogs and believe me, I had to protect them too.

After reading this, I have faith that you will be okay whether he is sober or not, whether you stay married or move on. And you're right, you don't have to do anything but stand there. I would never tell you to divorce. That's a choice only you can make and you've provided yourself and the babies a safe haven so I don't see the rush in any sudden movements that could crash your world.

My best advice for you? One Day At A Time. If you can't get through your day, go for an hour and or even a minute and before you know it, the sun rises again on a brand new day.

I never thought my hubby would get sober and have a plan. It hasn't been easy but damn, he's doing it. Yours can too but only if he wants it. I hope he does. He's missing the best part of your children's lives and that is all their first. My husband missed all his son's first and now that he's sober, we get to embark on watching our first granddaughter grow into a beautiful child! He has been up my ass for the last 2 days wondering when I am going to get her! lol

Good Luck! I'm rootin for ya!

CodeJob

Many rehabs sounds like colleges - totally out if hand blowing money to look like an all inclusive resort.

Is his rehab 12 step-based Stung? Does he get to keep his phone or is he calling you from their phone bank?

It only works if he wants to work it. I'll pray for that which is priceless for you Stung.

jarp

I so agree. I'm so exhausted after AH's recent episode, and in looking at rehabs I actually thought 'YAY where do I sign myself up'?!?!?!

Stung

CJ, this is a 12 step based one too. I want to say that they try to run through the steps with them while they're there…but I'm not positive. I didn't look too much into his location because I don't want to drill him with questions when he comes out of there.

He called me again this afternoon (he's calling from a phone bank that has 4 minute per phone call timers on them. I'm not sure if phone aren't allowed or if they just aren't allowed to make calls on them. IDK.) He told me that he's pretty much out of money and he wants to try to call me again tomorrow but he's not sure if he'll be able to. I told him that he didn't need to call me and that I was surprised that he called me at all. He told me that he wasn't doing it for me, it was for him. Okie dokie then.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought a few times about sending him more money. LOL

Day #3 of fun: We've already baked cookies and I asked toddler DD what she wants to do during the rest of the afternoon…watch a movie and eat POPCORN!!! She's really adamant about the popcorn part. It kills me that she wants to watch movies when it's gorgeous outside but if that's what she wants it's what she wants. I think I'll let Sundays be toddler's choice moving forward.

Florence

Mmm, part of rehab is reminding the addict there are ways to cope with and enjoy life apart from getting high. That includes being physically active, doing things that are genuinely fun, and learning how to de stress without the DOC. Many of these folks are learning how to eat and sleep like normal people again. For real.

Don't get too wrapped up in the rehab fantasy. This stuff is part of a treatment modality. Most of the people there are doing these activities feeling miserable and confused.

CodeJob

Well, one could send some freshly made art and a phone card, if you felt so inclined.

dandylion

Stung...I have detoxed and dealt with many an alcoholic in their first days..weeks of recovery. I can tell you that they would feel distress and suffering even if they were staying at the Four Seasons...LOL.

Florence is so right on this......


dandylion

The reason that you would enjoy it is because you are not an alcoholic!! He can't enjoy it like a vacation because he is an alcoholic.
Your brains are different from each other.

Stung

One of my husband's sponsors texted me to verify details of AH's rehab stay. Somehow that lead to me googling reviews of his rehab and I happened upon some not so nice reviews (even though they're mostly from parents or spouses saying that rehab didn't stop the addict in their life from using post-rehab.) Now I'm worried about AH. I want to save him. Sick, huh? I know that AH is a full grown man and he needs only himself to save himself from anything in life but I feel responsible for him. I feel like I need to keep him safe and put him into winning scenarios where he'll always land on his feet.

I want to not worry about him. I am powerless over AH. Over his disease. Over his choices in life. The ball of anxiety in my chest makes me want to cry over the fact that I'm powerless though.

My best friend has some drama going on in her life too and I also want to protect her. I feel like I need to bolster her self esteem and worth and tell her how amazing she is so that she isn't sad.

I want to help the people that I care about the most and if I can't help them then I want to be away from them entirely because I cannot stand not helping them. I feel like it's my responsibility to solve everyone's problems.

Thumper

Oh I know that feeling well.

I would feel such a physical sense of urgency sometimes.

Have you read Codependent No More? Read it again! I pretty much read it back to back when I was in the same spot you are in. Also the three act play in the stickies is good.

How about counseling for you? Things are going to get crazy when he gets out of rehab. The most supportive thing you can do for him is to align support and recovery for yourself before he gets out of rehab. That isn't just feel good talk - that is truth.

readerbaby71

Wow. You hit the nail on the head. I think it's this way for many of us. Learning to let people face and solve their own problems is tough, especially if you grew up taking care of others. Your husband is safe. He's fine. and you will be too.

hopeful4

Here's the deal. He will get out of rehab what he puts into rehab. There will be mixed reviews for every single one. If he works the rehab, puts in the work, sees that he needs to make genuine change, and WANTS IT BADLY, it will work. If not, it won't. You cannot make it work or save him my dear friend, and you know that. Work on saving you and your littles!!!!

Tight Hugs. I often wish someone would try to convince me to go to rehab!!! Thirty days covered by my insurance with my job wishing me well to go talk about my issues and get some R*R. I would be up for that! HA!!!!

AnvilheadII

Now I'm worried about AH. I want to save him. Sick, huh? I know that AH is a full grown man and he needs only himself to save himself from anything in life but I feel responsible for him. I feel like I need to keep him safe and put him into winning scenarios where he'll always land on his feet.

and how has that plan worked out so far? do you really have the power to make someone better?

I get that whole "save the planet" mentality. it just feels so caring and saint like. here's the question I had to ask myself one day.....who in the hell do I think I AM that I know soooo much better about how OTHERS should live their lives??? who nominated me GOD? Director of the Universe. She who knows all?? and how good am I doing at directing my OWN life? am I fixed? are all my own issues resolved? shouldn't I perhaps work on ME first and once I have that down pat then maybe I can be an EXAMPLE?

FireSprite

I've had moments of this feeling, the high anxiety that becomes physically sickening. When RAH was in jail last year I some definite moments of panic. He's a horse's patootie, but being locked up with violent, serial offenders for a week is a whole different Cinemax-World to consider, you know? I think that incident really showed me what powerless is. And it's weird, I know, but in embracing it, I became free of it.

Because I realized powerless compared to....... what, exactly? I had no more power when he was out of jail. No more or less power (control) when he actively drinking, when he relapsed, when he chose to work his recovery or when he chose to snub his nose at his recovery. The only constant was my powerlessness was the SAME in every situation, if I was being honest with myself.

So the need to have that power at ALL must be coming from INSIDE of me.... and that no matter how much I disliked his circumstances, the only change I was ever going to create was going to come from focusing all that back on me & figuring out why I craved that power, what it really meant to me, what vacancy it fills inside of ME. If *I* can't answer that, what business do I have expecting control over someone else, lol?

Thanks for tolerating my rambles here - it's helpful to talk through my own thoughts & even if they may not be 100% relevant to your situation, I think there are common threads.

LvWrAM123

I posted a few days ago, but it didn't post. Just wanted to extend thoughts of strength your direction. I hope the reason he's been calling you is because he is really working hard in rehab and is beginning to realize what he has to lose, what is important in his life, etc. In my hubby's rehab he wasn't allowed to call for the first week, but once he was, he did call every day (10 minute limit). We didn't plan our lives around his calls, so missed a few, but usually we did talk. The calls were definitely more for him than for me. Honestly-it was like he went through 2 decades of emotional growth in a month-it was very intense. I felt a little like I was his lifeline to anything outside of the intense emotional work (and petty drama) of rehab. Him being in rehab was kind of a relief for me- I didn't have anxiety about what he was or wasn't doing, and I was able to trust he was well supervised, and hopefully doing the work he needed to get on a good pathway. It was also scary, because he had already been through IOP and relapsed after stopping aftercare (and never doing AA) after 15 months, so it really felt like a "last resort" type of thing. I also worried if he was in the right place. His therapist had given him 2 referrals-one was cushier and tens of thousands, while the other was hardly anything out-of-pocket, covered by insurance. My big issue was I thought he'd "fit in" better at the spendy place, with more professionals, etc. The last thing I wanted was for him to be at rehab with a bunch of heroin addicts and come away thinking his own issues weren't that bad. The place he went to was probably at least 60 heroin addicts, and guess what-many of whom were also professionals. Many who started off on pills and switched to H because of the cost. In the end, one of the coolest things was that he acknowledged, "we're all the same". Their DOC didn't matter. All of them had addictions so big they were interfering with their lives-be they work, legal issues, relationships, etc. He also was amazed that for so long he had resisted connection with others and seeking help, but every speaker they had with any long term sobriety credited support of other addicts/alcoholics as what has kept them sober. Not the support of their wife or love for their kids, but their own desire to want it and to be willing to seek support from others-AA, therapists, aftercare group, sponsors, etc.

I too felt some resentment that I was left here-working full time, raising 2 kids, preparing for Christmas, shoveling snow, etc. all on my own. I had to chuckle a little though-back when Martha Stewart went to jail was a stressful time in my life and when I read about her cushy cupcake federal prison 6 month stint, I also found myself jealous-quiet time to read and meditate, time to work out every day, her prison job was in the garden-sounded like a dream to me!

Keep enjoying your fun days with your girls and working on yourself. It is much easier to not feel controlling when they are making "good" choices, and when someone we love is making poor choices that also impact our lives and the lives of our kids, it is natural to want to try to help fix/control them. I think where OUR work comes in is NOT driving ourselves crazy with the illusion of control when it is not/has not worked. I don't think you have to stop WISHING you could help him, but the healing part is in recognizing what you can and can't do toward that end, and recognizing that the rest is up to him.

And if it is anything like what I experienced, the re-entry process will be it's own challenge, so probably good to find some solace in him being away now, if you can.

Hang in there-hope you were not affected by the CA earthquake I've been seeing on the news.

Stung

Day 4 of fun: I took my girls to the local zoo. 2YO DD wants to live at the zoo. She cried as we were leaving because she loves the monkeys. LOL

So I think a big part of my anxiety was the need for sleep. I wrote my little ramble, read it a few times then read a few helpful threads and realized that HALT totally applied to me. I sent myself to bed. This morning I had the realization that he drove himself to rehab and willingly checked himself in. If there was anything scary there for him to be saved from he could easily check out and drive his happy self away from there.

Not good at all, it's a craptastic plan! No. But lordy it does not stop my mind from going there sometimes. It's almost like I see people as projects. I want to fix them and in doing so it provides the perfect distraction from having to work on myself. I'm like the person that has 8 billion started but uncompleted projects going on at any given time.

Honestly, I do think I'm doing a much better job. Obviously I have some issues but I think I'm always going to have them and there will be highs and lows with them. Is it ever possible to have life down pat? This has been a rough year for me but I am trying really hard to improve and in doing so it's making things stick out that I've never noticed before. Like my BFF and I, we're both wayyyyy dysfunctional and always have been (not our relationship but us as individuals). She is the female version of my husband and I am the female version of her husband. We've kind of said that to each other before but now that I know the ways that I'm dysfunctional I can see how degrading her husband is to her and he's always telling her what to do and it makes me cringe. I wonder if that's how I come across to my own husband. He's kind of a douche to my BFF, I'm probably kind of a douche to my own husband too. I kind of suck.

I feel like my husband is very similar to yours and it creates similar conflicts. The major difference is that you come across with a lot of grace, wisdom and humility and I'm just an angry little housewife bouncing around all over the place. I appreciate anything you have to share because it generally brings out a perspective that I didn't realize existed.

This is pretty much what I'm trying to do. I know I can't do anything, ANYTHING, that will change his stuff. It's just that my mind can think of a hundred ways to try. LOL

The Napa earthquake was way north of me but it was a biggie. A few years ago there was a big one that happened in my neck of the woods while I was shopping. Last year another one happened when I was hugely pregnant and taking a bath after I had just put my oldest to bed. I was super freaked out! Earthquakes are scary. But I read that UC Berkeley was able to send out an alarm 10 seconds before the Napa quake actually happened, which is nothing short of amazing. Technology is so cool!

hopeful4

I wanna go see the monkeys!!! Your doing great, glad you are safe!

XXX

Stung

Ugh…

The drama continues. A few days ago AH asked me if I would bring myself and our girls to the family visiting hours at his rehab today, every Sunday family can come visit. I said that I would if that was what he wanted. I felt unsure of it but thought maybe that is what you're supposed to do, IDK. Anyway, this week he wrote me a letter and in it he said that he's made some lifelong friends at rehab. I'm like, really? Lifelong friends after one week? We had to date for 6 years before he would propose to me but he's committing himself to strangers after knowing them for a week. Whatever, maybe that's what happens in rehab. What do I know. Then yesterday he called me and was telling me how excited he was to see us tomorrow (today) and that his friend has a 3 year old that will be visiting and our 2 year old daughter can play with his friend's kid and I can meet this guy's fiancé. Alarm bells went off in my head. This isn't right. My kids aren't going to his rehab for some play date with another addict's kid.

So I was going over this again and again since last night. I want to say no, I don't want my kids going there, but I couldn't articulate or pinpoint my reasoning. Finally, I remembered that I told him last Friday before he went to rehab that no matter how he chose to get sober that he wasn't seeing our girls until he had been sober for 30 days. I meant it when I said that and I said what I meant. He is not fit to see them after 9 days of sobriety, whether he is getting sober in rehab or not. This is a boundary for me and our children to protect them from being exposed to HIS alcoholism first hand. They do not NEED to see him right now and it's in their best interest that they don't until he gets his sobriety figured out.

So AH just called and I basically just told him that I was sorry for telling him that we would come. I should have given myself time to think instead of just agreeing to what he wanted. Then I basically used the 30 days of sobriety thing as my reasoning as to why not. I know that I don't owe him an explanation but I gave him one anyway. Then he got off the phone with me really quick. Temper tantrum time. Which basically reaffirmed that 9 days of sobriety is NOTHING and I made the right decision for our daughters and for myself. I do not need to be around him when he's like this. Then about 10 minutes later he called me back and said that he understood why we weren't going to come and then he said "I'll see you in 30 days" and "I'll talk to you the next time I talk to you" even though he's called me every day since he's been in rehab.

I cannot control how he reacts to my boundaries. Florence has said before that "healthy boundaries = happy families" and I believe it. But in the meantime, his reaction hurts my feelings.

I was planning on going to one day of the family weekend because it's about communication and boundaries where I basically work though exercises with him about each of our boundaries. I think it would be helpful for both of us, especially after this.

dandylion

one thing about boundaries....you can be flexible and you can modify them at any point in time that you need to or want to.

There is a difference between boundaries and just being controlling.

Family days are standard in most rehabs...for several good reasons.

Think of it this way....if you took your child to a public park..it is common to play with other children there...even though they might be complete strangers....
It might actually be good for the children are to see where daddy is. It will give them a point of reference to know that he is in a nice, safe place with other nice people there.

In a rehab setting..it is not unusual for people to have intense emotions toward others.
Kind of par for the course. Remember that we do not have the privilege of controlling how others react and feel about people.

dandylion

I agree that communication work between you and your husband would be a very good idea.