Need support -making the move to divorce
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 17
Need support -making the move to divorce
Looking at my previous posts - it's obvious I have been on the alcoholism/enabler roller coaster for a very long time.
My husband had surgery on rotator cuff and was to be off work and home for 60 days. He's off work without pay for a DUI last year - so the surgery was a good cover.
He stays in an apartment Sunday through Thursday out of town for work.
Long story short - he didn't drink for 6 days post op that I know of and left on day 7 to go back to his apartment, even though he's not working!! I knew it was to drink.
Little did I know - the next night I got a phone call from his girlfriend who told me he was with her now and called me everything but a white woman!! He was right there!!! I heard him trying to speak - he was so WASTED! This is the second girlfriend that I know of. After the first, he went to rehab - says he was in the insanity of alcoholism - blah blah blah.
So - this is the straw that broke the camels back. He says he wants a divorce. That this girl has real problems like him - DUIs, etc. Says he's tired of pretending to be 'all star dad, husbsnd, brother,son' that everyone thinks he should be. He's happier in the town where his apartment is - people there accept him for his weaknesses - ie: drinking. TRANSLATION: my girlfriend and friends here don't get in the way of my drinking like my wife, brothers and sisters, and parents do!!
He has lost many friends and been in trouble at work. Likely he will lose his job on the near future.
So I have blocked his number as of today. I played enabling, victim games via texts and phone calls Sunday, Monday and Tuesday which resulted in me crying, feeling like I'm a failure, etc, etc.
Today I called an attorney and have an appt next week. I am filing for divorce. I can no longer participate in the insanity. I need to take control of myself and realize how important I am. And Most of all, I need to make sure my daughters, ages 11 and 9 understand that it's not ok to let someone treat you this way.
It helps to block his number. I do wonder if he's tried to text. Somewhere deep inside, I an waiting for him to call and ask me for forgiveness. Isn't that crazy???
He says he wants a divorce - and I'm done - so, win win. I know he talks out his ass though an ms knows my buttons to push - so, who knows. But, won't he be surprised when he's served papers?
He has been on a runaway train for months now - getting progressively worse each day.
I have given him all his bills to pay, have packed up his stuff so far. He actually had the nerve the day after she called me to keep paying his bills because he has no idea when they are due, doesn't know passwords. I have always taken care of everything!! So - as little as the bills thing sounds, it's actually a big step.
I am letting go - I am going to work on me and work my 12 steps in al Anon. I have enabled and tried to fix him for years - without success - big surprise - lol.
His family is large and are 100% supportive of me divorcing him. He has lost family support, friends, now his wife and probably his job soon - but he still drinks everyday!
Our girls know - he hasn't even called then - he sent a text asking if they were ok. Pathetic.
He has been an absintee dad for years. It's up to him to have a relationship with his children. And I know he will he less and less present over time.
Conclusion: I'm scared as hell - he's been my addiction for 20 years! But, enough is enough - I am done participating and my enabling hAs never helped him - or me. I take they step and God will be with me to guide me. I've been stuck in one place for too many years - time to get going.
Thanks for listening!! One day at a time!!!
Some people will throw stones in your path. It depends on what you make with them - wall or bridge? Remember, you are the architect of your life.
So
My husband had surgery on rotator cuff and was to be off work and home for 60 days. He's off work without pay for a DUI last year - so the surgery was a good cover.
He stays in an apartment Sunday through Thursday out of town for work.
Long story short - he didn't drink for 6 days post op that I know of and left on day 7 to go back to his apartment, even though he's not working!! I knew it was to drink.
Little did I know - the next night I got a phone call from his girlfriend who told me he was with her now and called me everything but a white woman!! He was right there!!! I heard him trying to speak - he was so WASTED! This is the second girlfriend that I know of. After the first, he went to rehab - says he was in the insanity of alcoholism - blah blah blah.
So - this is the straw that broke the camels back. He says he wants a divorce. That this girl has real problems like him - DUIs, etc. Says he's tired of pretending to be 'all star dad, husbsnd, brother,son' that everyone thinks he should be. He's happier in the town where his apartment is - people there accept him for his weaknesses - ie: drinking. TRANSLATION: my girlfriend and friends here don't get in the way of my drinking like my wife, brothers and sisters, and parents do!!
He has lost many friends and been in trouble at work. Likely he will lose his job on the near future.
So I have blocked his number as of today. I played enabling, victim games via texts and phone calls Sunday, Monday and Tuesday which resulted in me crying, feeling like I'm a failure, etc, etc.
Today I called an attorney and have an appt next week. I am filing for divorce. I can no longer participate in the insanity. I need to take control of myself and realize how important I am. And Most of all, I need to make sure my daughters, ages 11 and 9 understand that it's not ok to let someone treat you this way.
It helps to block his number. I do wonder if he's tried to text. Somewhere deep inside, I an waiting for him to call and ask me for forgiveness. Isn't that crazy???
He says he wants a divorce - and I'm done - so, win win. I know he talks out his ass though an ms knows my buttons to push - so, who knows. But, won't he be surprised when he's served papers?
He has been on a runaway train for months now - getting progressively worse each day.
I have given him all his bills to pay, have packed up his stuff so far. He actually had the nerve the day after she called me to keep paying his bills because he has no idea when they are due, doesn't know passwords. I have always taken care of everything!! So - as little as the bills thing sounds, it's actually a big step.
I am letting go - I am going to work on me and work my 12 steps in al Anon. I have enabled and tried to fix him for years - without success - big surprise - lol.
His family is large and are 100% supportive of me divorcing him. He has lost family support, friends, now his wife and probably his job soon - but he still drinks everyday!
Our girls know - he hasn't even called then - he sent a text asking if they were ok. Pathetic.
He has been an absintee dad for years. It's up to him to have a relationship with his children. And I know he will he less and less present over time.
Conclusion: I'm scared as hell - he's been my addiction for 20 years! But, enough is enough - I am done participating and my enabling hAs never helped him - or me. I take they step and God will be with me to guide me. I've been stuck in one place for too many years - time to get going.
Thanks for listening!! One day at a time!!!
Some people will throw stones in your path. It depends on what you make with them - wall or bridge? Remember, you are the architect of your life.
So
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
You sound very strong and determined to do the right thing for your daughters. His addiction is controlling his life. It's nice to hear you are not letting it control yours.
I wish you the best of luck.
I wish you the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
"Quacking" is what they do to try and keep you saying they'll change, blah blah blah. Others will have better definitions of it and examples. There's a sticky on it somewhere... I'm rather new to this forum. So WELCOME! Glad you found us. This is a great support center for sure!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
I filed a month ago and presented rAH with the papers. Not sure what is going on with him, but I think he may be in denial. It is not easy. My heart breaks some days when I think about the dream, but even a year without the alcohol he is just not willing to do the work and I am tired of being 2nd, 3rd, last (really anything but 1st in his life). I am tired of waiting around for him to get his crap together (which appears will never happen) to live my life. It used to be because he drank, now it is because he doesn't that we don't do anything.
We have been married 18 years and fortunately (depending on how you view it) we don't have children. If we didn't own a house together (joint property) I would have been gone years ago.
(((Hugs))) So sorry you have to go through this.
Post here as much as you need to. It really does help.
We have been married 18 years and fortunately (depending on how you view it) we don't have children. If we didn't own a house together (joint property) I would have been gone years ago.
(((Hugs))) So sorry you have to go through this.
Post here as much as you need to. It really does help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
Kristen0408
I too was scared when going through divorce and the destruction of my family. If you get blamed for the issues please discount whoever is spilling their venom. They likely have never been through what you are going through and certainly do not have all the details. Fortunately your kids are young enough to not catch any of the blame for his drinking problem. I have seen that so many times and it can really carry a toll for them. Once the divorce was final I felt lost for a while because the chaos pretty much was over. I had to fill my time with positive experiences as I suddenly had more time than I had been used to in years because I had been carrying the vast amount of the load. Financially things got worse for about 6months or a year because of paying attorneys and footing the bill for everything all at once. Things now are much better financially as I am not subsidizing bar tabs and stupid financial decisions. Also I do not live in fear that a DUI accident will bankrupt me and my remaining family. Not to mention the guilt of someone in my family hurting an innocent person or family. I did have to give up so much that was very important to me in order to settle the divorce like the family farm and much of my inheritance. I had to realize it is all just stuff and can be rebuilt over time if I so choose. Now I spend more quality time with my kids and do the things we decide to do not always something that involves getting wasted. We can actually go to a restaurant without first checking if they serve alcohol.
Hope thing go as best they can with your divorce. Know that it takes a very strong person to live with someone with a addiction and take care of YOURSELF!!
I too was scared when going through divorce and the destruction of my family. If you get blamed for the issues please discount whoever is spilling their venom. They likely have never been through what you are going through and certainly do not have all the details. Fortunately your kids are young enough to not catch any of the blame for his drinking problem. I have seen that so many times and it can really carry a toll for them. Once the divorce was final I felt lost for a while because the chaos pretty much was over. I had to fill my time with positive experiences as I suddenly had more time than I had been used to in years because I had been carrying the vast amount of the load. Financially things got worse for about 6months or a year because of paying attorneys and footing the bill for everything all at once. Things now are much better financially as I am not subsidizing bar tabs and stupid financial decisions. Also I do not live in fear that a DUI accident will bankrupt me and my remaining family. Not to mention the guilt of someone in my family hurting an innocent person or family. I did have to give up so much that was very important to me in order to settle the divorce like the family farm and much of my inheritance. I had to realize it is all just stuff and can be rebuilt over time if I so choose. Now I spend more quality time with my kids and do the things we decide to do not always something that involves getting wasted. We can actually go to a restaurant without first checking if they serve alcohol.
Hope thing go as best they can with your divorce. Know that it takes a very strong person to live with someone with a addiction and take care of YOURSELF!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You sound sooooo ready to take this step! And I hope you have a good lawyer who will hold your hand through it. It was incredibly helpful to me to have a lawyer who knew all the ins and outs and could advise me when we got to a point where I needed to make a hard choice.
I won't lie to you -- divorce is emotionally draining, even when you know that is what you want to do. So make sure you keep reminding yourself of WHY you are doing this. Reread your old posts, journals, e-mails, whatever, so you never let yourself forget that you have good reason for getting a divorce even if it feels hard at times.
Two of my kids were about your girls' age when I divorced AXH. I can't begin to tell you how much happier and healthier they are now. It's been hard for them, too -- I don't care how dysfunctional your parent is, it's still difficult when they abandon you. But you sound like you will do whatever it takes to get them and yourself through this. Good for you!
I won't lie to you -- divorce is emotionally draining, even when you know that is what you want to do. So make sure you keep reminding yourself of WHY you are doing this. Reread your old posts, journals, e-mails, whatever, so you never let yourself forget that you have good reason for getting a divorce even if it feels hard at times.
Two of my kids were about your girls' age when I divorced AXH. I can't begin to tell you how much happier and healthier they are now. It's been hard for them, too -- I don't care how dysfunctional your parent is, it's still difficult when they abandon you. But you sound like you will do whatever it takes to get them and yourself through this. Good for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Kristen0408 
I am so scared. I know I am doing the right thing - what do you mean by the quacking!!
Here you go. Sounds like you could use a laugh. It's normal to be scared, but I also hear the strength in your post. Take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 17
That's funny. Since I have blocked his number for days, I sit here and wonder if he texts or calls. I know it's dumb and a waste of then. He's probably drunk by now. He is sopposed to come take the kids tomorrow for late lunch. Honesty, I'm not sure I can see him. There is so much pain in my heart. I know this has to happen sooner or later. I have a great support system and I can contact them to and have them talk me out of unblocking the number.
It's just I'm so used to fixing, trying to convince him to come back to us (pathetic I know), and eventually telling him I will change. It's like I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
And he had that shoulder surgery - I wonder how he's doing.
But the rational BRAIN, NOT THE HEART, says it's all his problem. I don't need to waste one more minute worrying about anything he does. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. He says he wants this divorce - so he can have freedom, have the weight of me nagging and not accepting his 'weakness'. My mind races. I need to shut it down!! Think of positive things.
I really hate this. I have chosen to participate in this life for years - and I don't know how to start living without enabling - I have to fill my time.
Thanks for listening everyone -
It's just I'm so used to fixing, trying to convince him to come back to us (pathetic I know), and eventually telling him I will change. It's like I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
And he had that shoulder surgery - I wonder how he's doing.
But the rational BRAIN, NOT THE HEART, says it's all his problem. I don't need to waste one more minute worrying about anything he does. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. He says he wants this divorce - so he can have freedom, have the weight of me nagging and not accepting his 'weakness'. My mind races. I need to shut it down!! Think of positive things.
I really hate this. I have chosen to participate in this life for years - and I don't know how to start living without enabling - I have to fill my time.
Thanks for listening everyone -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 17
Well - he came to town today. We got a chance to talk. It was needed. He quacked and quacked - loving that new term!! On and on about how everyone judges him, this marriage has been terrible for years, no happy memories, blah blah blah.
The girlfriend who called me is now demanding his attention 24/7 and wants him to move in with him and have kids - she's only 30. I actually (excuse the language) f'in laughed out loud!! I don't think he thought it was as funny as I did. He went on to tell me she doesn't bring much to the table and she's getting on his nerves.
It actually was empowering for me to see him. He was obviously hungover - I swear had lost more weight, has a huge wound infection in one of his surgical sights - pretty hard to take care of yourself when he's been **** drunk since last Friday!
I am sure I can do this. He is very angry and he started to snap at me and I got up and walked away - he asked me where I was going and I said "I don't have to sit and listen to this anymore".
He said he texted me all week - I had blocked him and had no idea - he was surprised.
He did see the kids and we were very cordial in front of them - which is what they need - they are the big priority here!!
He left and is staying at his brothers. I'm sure he went and bought a case of beer on the way there. 5 minutes after he left, he texted me 'this sucks, I feel terrible'. No ****! And you should.
I texted him back "Thanks for talking today. Think it really helped. I've come to a conclusion .... I'm ok with you and her I guess - nothing I can do about it - I will move on too. It's not what I wanted, but I get you need what you need - and that's not me anymore. I know you don't need my permission - just Letting you know that if she's what you want - to move in, have kids, whatever - I will be fine eventually. Good that we didn't fight in front of the kids today. Have a good night"
And that is detaching. He will end up with this lowlife girl, living in her house - without a job, drinking himself to death and I don't care. I cried all week - but for some reason seeing him did something to me - almost made me stronger. For the first time in a long time, I feel in control.
I know he knows he f'ed up for good this time - shame too because he says he is still with this girl now because he lost his home, wife, family and "why would I get rid of her now, I don't have anyone else".
Wow - can't imagine having to stick with some annoying person I really didn't give a care about because I couldn't stand being alone!! But I guess if I was a .30 every night, it might make it easier- lol. I know it's not funny really - but after all these years if I can laugh instead of cry, I'm going to!!!
Still seeing attorney on Tuesday. He knows - he says he won't fight me on anything, blah blah blah. He really does look defeated - and super sad - but his choices, his consequences.
image-3780708948.jpg
The girlfriend who called me is now demanding his attention 24/7 and wants him to move in with him and have kids - she's only 30. I actually (excuse the language) f'in laughed out loud!! I don't think he thought it was as funny as I did. He went on to tell me she doesn't bring much to the table and she's getting on his nerves.
It actually was empowering for me to see him. He was obviously hungover - I swear had lost more weight, has a huge wound infection in one of his surgical sights - pretty hard to take care of yourself when he's been **** drunk since last Friday!
I am sure I can do this. He is very angry and he started to snap at me and I got up and walked away - he asked me where I was going and I said "I don't have to sit and listen to this anymore".
He said he texted me all week - I had blocked him and had no idea - he was surprised.
He did see the kids and we were very cordial in front of them - which is what they need - they are the big priority here!!
He left and is staying at his brothers. I'm sure he went and bought a case of beer on the way there. 5 minutes after he left, he texted me 'this sucks, I feel terrible'. No ****! And you should.
I texted him back "Thanks for talking today. Think it really helped. I've come to a conclusion .... I'm ok with you and her I guess - nothing I can do about it - I will move on too. It's not what I wanted, but I get you need what you need - and that's not me anymore. I know you don't need my permission - just Letting you know that if she's what you want - to move in, have kids, whatever - I will be fine eventually. Good that we didn't fight in front of the kids today. Have a good night"
And that is detaching. He will end up with this lowlife girl, living in her house - without a job, drinking himself to death and I don't care. I cried all week - but for some reason seeing him did something to me - almost made me stronger. For the first time in a long time, I feel in control.
I know he knows he f'ed up for good this time - shame too because he says he is still with this girl now because he lost his home, wife, family and "why would I get rid of her now, I don't have anyone else".
Wow - can't imagine having to stick with some annoying person I really didn't give a care about because I couldn't stand being alone!! But I guess if I was a .30 every night, it might make it easier- lol. I know it's not funny really - but after all these years if I can laugh instead of cry, I'm going to!!!
Still seeing attorney on Tuesday. He knows - he says he won't fight me on anything, blah blah blah. He really does look defeated - and super sad - but his choices, his consequences.
image-3780708948.jpg
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