Threshold

I have found that recovery looks and feels different to me as I progress (at least I HOPE it's progression) in my recovery journey (aka, life)

I thought it might be interesting and inspiring for us to state about how long we've been clean/sober and what recovery looks and feels like to us TODAY.

Total honesty...cause somedays it may not feel all peachy keen...


I've been clean and sober (and cutting free) for 20 months. Been in recovery 4 years but relapsed a few times.

Today, week of Thanksgiving.

Feel comfortable with my life, relationship, living situation. Sorta worried about finances as I don't work right now and BF pays the bills.

Wonder if I am isolating too much (I live in the middle of nowhere, the net is my main connection to the world) or if that is OK for now.

Grateful for so many things. Spiritually feeling like I am on track..which is not always comfortable, but growing pains will happen.

A bit grumpy that I won't be making rum balls and brandy soaked fruitcake which I enjoyed (and gave as gifts) for many years.

I think of drinking occasionally, think of drugging when I am going through a period of having trouble sleeping, but really have absorbed that those are not the answer to anything, and really KNOW that I can't get started because once I start...it's all downhill. I can't handle drinking or drugging. Period.

Way more sensitive now to the reality of drinking problems. I take it into consideration when I talk, post on FB, go to parties. Even post links of FB and reminders for the holidays that there may well be people with drinking problems among family and friends...consider a booze free party etc. I don't bring wine as hostess gifts anymore. My antennae are up.

I have enough perspective now to see how, why booze and drugs became issues for me. Family history, experiences, my own personal issues. Not to blame or pass on responsibility, but because knowing that can help me see when I am slip sliding back into that mindset etc.

Still scared of booze...my BF is 8 months sober and I worry that he might relapse (he's not shown signs of it, but he has relapsed in the past, and the fear is still there) Knowing that it can seriously impact my life, even if I am not pouring it down MY throat. More conscious now of drunk drivers, neighbors etc. I know how stupid it made me...and worry about how stupid it might make others.

I get nervous when any of my kids mention drinking. I don't want to jump on them with dire warnings, but there are substance abuse issues on both sides of their family. And though they didn't grow up in an alcoholic house, I know the genetic predisposition is there. I have reminded them to be mindful of that. But I know I sort of panic inside when I hear of any episode where they drank more than one drink.

Not drinking is mostly not the issue for me today. Sobriety is. I don't come to SR now to keep me from drinking. I come here to learn more about living sober. I actually have a hard time relating to people in that early hanging on by their nails stage. That feels very far away from me and I feel like any response I gave them would come across as harsh, because I am such a different place. All I have to offer is..it will get better. I know it FEELS like it will last forever, but it will get better.

I also feel less willing to put up with things I hate. Like a horrible job, relationship etc. Not having booze and drugs to turn to has made me less tolerant, and more inclined to change things, or seek other options. It's a work in progress, not all the options I have chosen have been great ones. I still cut corners, take the easy way out, or give less than my best. But I have an awareness and honesty now, and realize that I am making choices, weighing options, and can make another choice or change as needed.

soberhawk

Sober for 3½ month and of the smokes for a little over a month.

I do not think a lot about alcohol.

I find it strange I did let it get so out of hand I am starting to sense the thinking that made that possible. I do not fully understand what made it possible but I do at times sense some insight into this close to the conscious mind. It will come to me.

I would not say that I am in a state of happiness or serenity, it is more I have a sense of stamina and conviction to see this through.

It is not a stable condition.

But I am not relapsing to drinking I do not see that as an option and not a temptation either.

We will see where this takes me I do not know, but I am not there yet.

Boleo

Sounds like you have a pretty good "end of drinking" program. However, if you want to see where recovery can ultimately take you, try working an "end of suffering" program.

"In this life -pain is inevitable - suffering is optional."
(Unknown author)

BackToSquareOne

When I quit I knew I was done with it, alcohol had stopped working for me. After over 3 decades of drinking I could not take the withdrawals any more, anxiety and depression were now part of the mix so it was either die drunk or quit.

The quitting part was a no brainer, the learning to live life with no crutches was another story. I had way under estimated just how big a part of my life alcohol had become. I know it sounds crazy but giving up the addiction was like giving up a part of my life.

I had come to use alcohol to change the way I felt, instant gratification. When I felt lousy without any crutch to fall back on I came to realize what depression was all about. The whole first year was kind of rough going, it did get better from there on but it took its good old time. I'm now past year 5 and glad I closed the book on that nightmare!

bemyself

You nailed exactly where I'm coming from now, Boleo. I even used the very same quote elsewhere on the boards the other day.

matt4x4

For me, all it takes is that one slight moment where a drink is pushed in front of me and I am off again. How do I combat this problem? Prayer and Meditation, talking and listening to god, helping others in AA and outside AA. Back in the old days when there was a meeting a week with a 75% recovery rate, they stayed sober. Thats amazing!!!!!! I like those odds, if I start doing the program of action my way, well those odds demish quite rapidly and the new-way watered down, rehab program comes into play and guess what? I am off again, in my cups, not a lovely creature at all.

IOAA2

Matt I think that "my way" is a huge hindrance to getting well. It took me too long to realize that my way of life was not working and to win the battle of the bottle I needed to surrender and accept the fact I can not drink in safety, it's that simple for complicated people.
Years ago when I finally plugged the jug the emphasis was placed on not drinking AND living long term sobriety. The main benefit for me is being comfortable in my own skin which didn't come without effort and the hated word time.

BE WELL

Joe Nerv

Where I'm at today. Though this day is not typical...

Will be sober 30 years come August 27th of 2014.

I'm increcilbly grateful for my relationship with my wife. We're best friends, we love each other, and we support each othe 100%. She's hot too .

Alcohol is not a thought, I can't remember when it was. I feel completely free of it, though I feel I have a healthy respect, meaning I don't believe I'll ever be immune to a relapse. I have no fear whatsoever of a relapse, but I like that the knowledge that I'm not immune helps motivate me to stay on positive, growing path. It's important to me to continually grow spiritually, mentally, and physically, and I do my best to stay on top of all 3.

I've been slacking however, more due to circumstance than neglect. Heavy snow in the NE has slowed me down because I spend a lot of time parking and digging me and my wife out of the spots we park in. I've also been working more due to the snow, and I have some new musical projects in the works. It's been about a week and a half since I've been to the gym or an AA meeting, and that's incredibly rare. I feel best when I'm go to at least a meeting a week (prefer 2), and I can't remember the last week I hadn't gone at leat 3 times to the gym. Oh hwell....

My spirits today are low. Feeling obsessively worried, although a phone call I'm getting this very second may change that. Will be back and leave this unedited....

Still worried. Here's why. Wife and I adopted the 2 happiest, most innocent and playful kittens I've ever know, in October. They were spayed last sunday. Both started developing complications during the week, and 2 visits during the week to the vet did nothing. They were getting worse. We had to take them both a veterinary hospital yesterday, and they've been admitted. The Drs still don't know what's wrong, and my insides are inside out. Neither is eating, they're both vomiting, one is vomiting blood. I love these girls more than I ever imagined I could love any animal I've known for less than 4 months. My insides are inside out, and all I can do is pray and hope for the best. I think my fear is being multiplied by the fact that we lost our 2 other cats this year. One was with me 21 yrs., the other 16, and both of them stop eating before they passed. My brain knows no recovery from that, although I know intellectually there's a good chance the new kittens will get over whatever it is they have going on. Sucks.

We're going to visit them in a couple of hours. Have tickets to see the Lion King on Broadway at 6:30, so that should hopefully get my mind off of things. Have some work to do before that on the new musical project I have going on.

I feel my life is an adventure filled with happiness, joy, pain, sorrow, surprise, peace, love and a billion other things. I'm incredibly grateful to be free from he shackles of alcohol. I knew only fear and numbness in that life, and I was an absolute slave to the bottle, and whatever valium I could get my hands on. Being free is wonderful thing, and I am. In countless ways.

jdooner

Joe - first I send positive energy to you, your wife and the kittens. We have two dogs and one cat (20yo) his sister died last year.

I am humbled to post after you, as my time pales in comparison but we know its no contest, rather our own individual journeys.

Feb 27th will be six months for me. I originally quit due to marital issues and the desire to set an empale for my wife, who I was projecting my own issues on. That first week I will never forget. I had physical detox, although no vomiting simply restlessness, irritability, sweating, insomnia. I realized my problem was probably a bit worse than I had anticipated.
But I had a big party in Singapore at the F1 and needed to be drinking and hanging with some celebrity acquaintances to make myself seem more important.

Singapore turned out to be more prolific than I had imagined, as sober I could see myself in some of the other guests and it repulsed me. It was really my first exposure to my World collapsing. I for the first time realized what I had been striving for with my career, marriage, material goods were not giving me the peace I had hoped. In short, I had following my own yellow brick road but just like the lion, I had everything I needed I was just unaware of how to use the tools I had. I realized the Oz was just a flawed human behind a curtain much like myself - how terrifying.

I have given up alcohol. I would be lying to say I don't think about it but the thoughts are quite different and less frequent. I don't think about having a drink but sometimes I wonder if I could drink again. It usually revolves around moving away from AA based on something someone says that causes me to blame the program. I am able to detach from the thoughts, as I realize they do not comprise me or "I". I have also given up smoking, cocaine, sugar and wheat. I have begun to implement and focused workout routine, and last week have started daily meditation.

I am currently in Asia and I feel the benefits of a healthier lifestyle with reduced jet lag and greater energy. I have read many great works on addiction including: The Big Book, 12/12, The Little Book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, The Power of Now, Awareness, Conscious Meditation for Beginners and have another dozen on the Kindle for some of my flights.

I have become more spiritual and find my spirituality is following a path consistent with Buddhist practice, which might be why I am enjoying yoga and meditation. I try to do the next right thing and put positive energy into the Universe. While its always nice to think there is a one to one relationship for every good thing I am doing, my awakening has caused me to observe my motives and be honest that is for selfish reasons I do this but not to expect the return - selfish in the sense of feeling good based on these actions. That said, work has been incredibly kind to me, as I have started two new businesses and my primary career is taking off more than I could have hoped. I also need to be aware of my work related motives so as not to spin the addiction merry go round and jump on the Workaholic bandwagon.

Looking back, I can say with certainty I have been asleep for most of my life reacting to life's events based on a set of preprogramed ideals that aren't even mine. I am so grateful, so very grateful to be discovering this at 40 years old versus 80 and yet, I have no regrets and have let go of my past, as my past has brought me to this moment in time to build and experience, which I share with you.

ImperfectlyMe

Joe your kitties are in my prayers. Enjoy the Lion King, it is one if the most awe-inspiring broadway shows!

As of today 2/9/2014 I'm exactly 10 months sober. My sobriety initially was not my choice. I'd never admit that to anyone because at the time I pretended I wanted sobriety to keep my husband at bay. I stayed sober the first 30 days by sure will. Every bit of me was not drinking as if I was waiting to be seen by the parole board. I was sure eventually with good behavior I'd get a furlough to join the drinkers again. On day 31 I discovered Sober Recovery, the day my journey truly began.

There were so many ups and downs emotionally that I wasn't prepared for. There were realities and disfunctions in my life that I'd choose to ignore for far too many YEARS. I was 35 and an unhappy mom.

The 5 month mark for me was a pivotal point, there was no going back. I found something I had lost so long ago, me.

Today I couldn't imagine ever going back. I don't know how I physically consumed the amount of Pinot gregio I did. Of course my life is still hard and unmanageable sometimes, but I now know alcohol will neither eradicate or make my woes any easier.

For far too long I confused internal emotional cues as alcohol cravings. It sounds semi crazy to say but I wouldn't change any of it, none, not even the fact I had a drinking problem. I'm amazed at the person I am today and I don't think I could have become her if I hadn't been through these struggles.

Joe Nerv

Thanks for the prayer and positive thoughts guys. They did a barrage of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with the cats. They both ate a little yesterday, and didn't throw up. We're picking them up tonight if all is still good. Whatever was going on with them, we're just hoping is done with.

Lion King was great, even though I'm not much for B'way musicals (the tix were part of my wife's xmas gift from me). Definitely one of the best B'way shows I ever saw. Incredibly talented cast.

jdooner

Glad they are doing better.

I love Lion King on Broadway one of my favorite musicals. Perhaps I see recovery in everything now but love the monkey - Not to worry its in the past. So choice.

One the the best performances I have ever seen though was a movie with Phillip Glass music played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. It was a Francis Ford Copola Film titled Koyaanisqatsi, which means life out of balance. It was simply stunning with the live orchestra really hitting the notes.

soberhal9

I have almost 2 years. Not everything is great, and then sometimes I see the disease alive in someone else in or out of the rooms and i'm hit with gratitute.

I'll tell you this though, my worst day sober is better than my last days drinking. My spirituality goes up and down , up and down. As long as I keep it balances and not let it get too out of whack I'll be okay. I don't want to drink. I don't fear drinking, I fear not living the steps, that keeps me motivated. Also I never compare myself to anyone else. This is my own journey in life and it happened for a reason (I know that sounds cliche, but I'm lucky to be alive and healthy).

Gal220

Oh gosh. What is recovery and where am I today?

I've been sober a little over six years. In that time, I have gotten married, bought a house, and had two kids. It has for sure not always been easy. I have suffered major depression for the past few years (again). This is probably because I stopped taking my meds when we started trying for a baby, then we had struggles with infertility, then a very traumatic pregnancy resulting in a 2.5 lb little girl, then a six week NICU stint, and post-partum depression. Then we did it all again (although minus the preemie and NICU stay). I'm looking at heart and kidney issues from the pregnancies now that I'm still trying to get sorted out, so that is causing a lot of stress. I also tried to go back to school for a different career a couple of years ago, but was unsuccessful (maybe because of the illnesses and baby troubles).

My husband and I sort of drifted away from AA after a couple of years sober, but I returned in the fall of last year when I was so depressed I was suicidal (and yet still trying to get pregnant - how crazy is that?!). I was on the verge of relapse, and I was worried my husband would leave me if I did relapse. We never really made a plan for that, which is probably stupid considering we are both alcoholics.

So I jumped back into recovery, got a new sponsor, and worked the steps. After baby #2, I have been suffering from health problems as well as post-partum depression and grief over not being able to have any more children. I didn't drink, but struggled with obsessive thoughts of drinking for a few months. I did, however, cut myself for a while again (had been "clean" from that for the same length of time as alcohol - so now starting over with that), and have been dealing with what I'm now recognizing as food addiction.

But I'm starting to do the things I know I should, and am hopeful that if I stay the course things will turn around. I got back on meds and am looking into therapy. I'm being more honest with my poor husband. Babies are both happy and healthy. The oldest started "school" this week, so that was traumatic (for me!). My work is sort of so-so. I'm not really giving it my full attention right now, which is bad. So I need to work on that. I should probably stop posting on here all the time at work. If my internet activity is audited, that could be a big problem. At the suggestion of many awesome people here and in my real world, I am trying to learn to live in the moment instead of worrying about the future or stressing about the past.

So I guess that's a snapshot of what "recovery" looks like for me right now. It's definitely a work in progress.