Need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
Need advice
I'm so stuck in this horrible rut right now. To make a long story short, I fell in love with a man who has an alcohol addiction. He is the most amazing man, we have a great relationship, he was sober for 3 years and then got arrested for drug possession last December and lost his job. He went to rehab and I supported him through it. He was doing great. Summer was awesome and just when I think I can learn to trust him again he gets a dwi (his forth) and will probably go to jail for a little while. I know I deserve better but I can imagine life without him because he is so good to me. He has treated me better than anyone ever has, my family and friends love him, but he has this HUGE problem. I'm not a needy person but I mentally planned a life with him and I don't know how to let go or if we can possible work through this. The rest of my life has been sucky lately (various reasons) and I just want to start over but I don't know how. We are both in out late 30's and have talked seriously about marriage and a family. I'm financially stable and ready. He won't even have a drivers license for the next five years. I'm just so sad. Advice?? I've been to Al-Anon and I like it but I don't love it. Most people there are a lot older than me and have such different situations that don't relate real well.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
because he is so good to me. He has treated me better than anyone ever has
I think that this thought might be painful...but here goes...
part of how someone treats you, and whether they are good to you, is also what they bring to the table, and whether they are good FOR YOU. Being good to you is simply not enough, not when the stakes are so high--your life--being good FOR YOU is a must have.
When you mesh your life with someone else's, and they bring jail time and dui's to the table, lost work and jobs, inability to drive, even drive you to the hospital--
these things affect your life. He's not doing them to hurt you, but they are going to hurt you regardless of that. They're part of who he is, and those things are going to be on his record for a minimum of five years, perhaps several more.
I'm not trying to make you feel badly about loving him. I'm looking down the road and if he keeps on his current trend, it could be very painful for you for years to come. What I'm looking at is the likelihood of pain for you.
I don't like what you are telling me who he is. He sounds like a train-wreck hon...in all kindness.
The question I would ask myself is--where do I draw the line in how much I would be willing to put up with? At what point do I cut it off? If my future looks the same in five years? two years? one?
And most importantly, how can I take care of myself and not let myself become a train-wreck too? How am I going to protect myself from fallout?
What do I want out of life, if I was to sit down and make a list? Just me. What do I want?
You only get one life, as far as I know.
The rest of my life has been sucky lately (various reasons) and I just want to start over but I don't know how
Start here. The rest of your life. Work on those things that you can change or affect the outcome. Do whatever needs to be done to feel good about you. You, who you are, what you do with your time, how healthy your relationships are, where your self-esteem is, nagging procrastination items take care of, how healthy your body is, the list can go on and on....
As we do the things to be who we want to be, other parts of life (even those out of our control) somehow start to be more manageable, do-able, and less stressful on those things we can't control the outcome--like him.
I think that this thought might be painful...but here goes...
part of how someone treats you, and whether they are good to you, is also what they bring to the table, and whether they are good FOR YOU. Being good to you is simply not enough, not when the stakes are so high--your life--being good FOR YOU is a must have.
When you mesh your life with someone else's, and they bring jail time and dui's to the table, lost work and jobs, inability to drive, even drive you to the hospital--
these things affect your life. He's not doing them to hurt you, but they are going to hurt you regardless of that. They're part of who he is, and those things are going to be on his record for a minimum of five years, perhaps several more.
I'm not trying to make you feel badly about loving him. I'm looking down the road and if he keeps on his current trend, it could be very painful for you for years to come. What I'm looking at is the likelihood of pain for you.
I don't like what you are telling me who he is. He sounds like a train-wreck hon...in all kindness.
The question I would ask myself is--where do I draw the line in how much I would be willing to put up with? At what point do I cut it off? If my future looks the same in five years? two years? one?
And most importantly, how can I take care of myself and not let myself become a train-wreck too? How am I going to protect myself from fallout?
What do I want out of life, if I was to sit down and make a list? Just me. What do I want?
You only get one life, as far as I know.
The rest of my life has been sucky lately (various reasons) and I just want to start over but I don't know how
Start here. The rest of your life. Work on those things that you can change or affect the outcome. Do whatever needs to be done to feel good about you. You, who you are, what you do with your time, how healthy your relationships are, where your self-esteem is, nagging procrastination items take care of, how healthy your body is, the list can go on and on....
As we do the things to be who we want to be, other parts of life (even those out of our control) somehow start to be more manageable, do-able, and less stressful on those things we can't control the outcome--like him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, JD, and welcome to SR. This can be a great resource for you, and I'd strongly recommend you spend some time each day reading here. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. Here's a selection from the stickies that I think you might find helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Regarding Alanon and your perceived differences from the people there, I have 2 comments:
1. Do you have more than one meeting you can go to? Some meetings may have younger members who you would feel more at home with. Almost every meeting I've been to in my area has had a pretty good range of ages, so perhaps a different meeting on a different day would be better for you.
2. You'll get more out of Alanon if you look for the similarities in your situation with those of the other members than if you look for ways you're different, regardless of how #1 works out for you.
Again, welcome. I think you'll start to see your path more clearly in the days to come.
Regarding Alanon and your perceived differences from the people there, I have 2 comments:
1. Do you have more than one meeting you can go to? Some meetings may have younger members who you would feel more at home with. Almost every meeting I've been to in my area has had a pretty good range of ages, so perhaps a different meeting on a different day would be better for you.
2. You'll get more out of Alanon if you look for the similarities in your situation with those of the other members than if you look for ways you're different, regardless of how #1 works out for you.
Again, welcome. I think you'll start to see your path more clearly in the days to come.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I left when I realized I didn't trust or respect the alcoholic. That what I called love was really need. It helps to keep in mind that we codependents -- like alcoholics -- have the blinders of denial and rationalization that keeps us with destructive people. Imagine, if you had a daughter in this situation, what would you tell her to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
Lol- I would tell my daughter or a friend to run. Funny but its hard to tell myself that. I keep thinking he's different and I know this is not true. A small part if me really, really wants to believe that "love conquers all". It's that hopeless romantic side of me. He has been in my life for so long that I just don't know how to let go. Any thought on how to do this? He went today to his second rehab in the past year. Last time he wrote me a letter every single day. I cried every single day but felt great when he got out. We seemed to have gotten so much closer through all this. He promised to never hurt me again, blah,blah, blah... I do think he meant it but that promise has been broken. I just can imagine a life with anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
he is the most amazing man. (Jd777)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I am sorry, I cannot wrap my head around the above statement. If he were such an amazing guy he would be in full CONTROL of his life, and not looking at jail time for his 4th DUI.
Jd, it appears to me, you are romancing a fantasy. With sincere gentleness, I can only suggest you get real honest with your current situation.
I'm sorry, but this is what you are choosing.
If today is as good as it gets is that good enough for you?
Sorry to hear your life has been "sucky" lately, you and you alone have the power to change it.
We really don't give advice here, we just share our life experience.
My life experience says, you are barking up the wrong tree.
Why are you looking to an active addict to be a life partner ?
It will only get worse, unless you address your own needs.
If he does not choose and commit to a lifetime recovery plan, ( and he must choose this for HIMSELF, not YOU ) you don't stand a chance this side of hell. You think today is sucky? This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I had to start by asking myself , why I kept choosing someone who was not physically and mentally available ? Why did I continue to accept his unacceptable actions? And when I could answer that question, I no longer had an active addict in my life...........
That's where I would start.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I am sorry, I cannot wrap my head around the above statement. If he were such an amazing guy he would be in full CONTROL of his life, and not looking at jail time for his 4th DUI.
Jd, it appears to me, you are romancing a fantasy. With sincere gentleness, I can only suggest you get real honest with your current situation.
I'm sorry, but this is what you are choosing.
If today is as good as it gets is that good enough for you?
Sorry to hear your life has been "sucky" lately, you and you alone have the power to change it.
We really don't give advice here, we just share our life experience.
My life experience says, you are barking up the wrong tree.
Why are you looking to an active addict to be a life partner ?
It will only get worse, unless you address your own needs.
If he does not choose and commit to a lifetime recovery plan, ( and he must choose this for HIMSELF, not YOU ) you don't stand a chance this side of hell. You think today is sucky? This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I had to start by asking myself , why I kept choosing someone who was not physically and mentally available ? Why did I continue to accept his unacceptable actions? And when I could answer that question, I no longer had an active addict in my life...........
That's where I would start.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I feel for you. Were all here because one time or another or still are...in the very same situation .
Its hard to make a choice between love and let go and the idea of both have theur pros and cons atleast temporarily yes.
Whats troubling and I'm sure you know is him having 4 dwis. My ah is 30 and has only had 2 one at 21 and one recently and his drinking is bad so I cant imagine the HUGE problem yours has. Not to be mean. Im just saying alcoholism only gets worse. I cant imagine how much more will happen before its done and over for good. Hopefully not a 5th or 6th charge.
I just wouldnt plan any future with him just yet. No marriage no kids.
Im sorry because it sounds like you are MORE than ready to get your life started andbsettle down.
I would advise not too.
It sounds like your set in staying though. Just dont make rash decisions with your future with him.
Its hard to make a choice between love and let go and the idea of both have theur pros and cons atleast temporarily yes.
Whats troubling and I'm sure you know is him having 4 dwis. My ah is 30 and has only had 2 one at 21 and one recently and his drinking is bad so I cant imagine the HUGE problem yours has. Not to be mean. Im just saying alcoholism only gets worse. I cant imagine how much more will happen before its done and over for good. Hopefully not a 5th or 6th charge.
I just wouldnt plan any future with him just yet. No marriage no kids.
Im sorry because it sounds like you are MORE than ready to get your life started andbsettle down.
I would advise not too.
It sounds like your set in staying though. Just dont make rash decisions with your future with him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
I know a life with him would be filled with constant anxiety, like living with a ticking time bomb. I know I deserve more. I know I love him but I also know I love myself more. I've realized that I can't do this again and again. I'm sick of suffering for his bad decisions. My problem is how do I let go of the feelings, our traditions, our intimacy, his family that I love...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JD, I posted this link http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html for another person in a similar place to where you are. She found it useful, and I hope you do too.
You have made a huge step forward in realizing that you don't have to do this again and again, and that you do not deserve to suffer for the bad decisions of someone who isn't interested in learning how to make better ones.
I would suggest that a way to let go of the things you don't know how to let go of is to replace them with other things--feel some new healthy feelings, start some different traditions, meet new friends (and eventually maybe someone more than a friend) and develop healthy friendships. Looking at a gaping hole in your life is frightening; realizing you can fill that hole with whatever you choose to fill it with is empowering.
You have made a huge step forward in realizing that you don't have to do this again and again, and that you do not deserve to suffer for the bad decisions of someone who isn't interested in learning how to make better ones.
I would suggest that a way to let go of the things you don't know how to let go of is to replace them with other things--feel some new healthy feelings, start some different traditions, meet new friends (and eventually maybe someone more than a friend) and develop healthy friendships. Looking at a gaping hole in your life is frightening; realizing you can fill that hole with whatever you choose to fill it with is empowering.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jd77---I know just how you feel---about the feelings, traditions, intimacy, his family....
One time, years ago (thank God), I had a very painful break-up. And, I do mean painful. I was the "rejected" one. I was older than him --although I was still childbearing age. He felt that he could not marry someone who could not bear more children. I had 3 from my first marriage. I was crushed--and I felt the same way you describe--how do I get past all the attachments and feelings?
I can tell you---about 6 months of acute grief---I often prayed to God to take away the awful pain. I went on working, etc, but, for a while I was a hot mess. Then I met my husband--the most beautiful soul. He loved me for who I am. He had no children, but loved mine as if they were his own. He died, recently, and rapidly from cancer. That "other guy" couldn't hold a candle to my husband!!! What had I been thinking??!
My dear, you must work through the grieving period. If you face it and are willing to go through it (suffer through it)---time will fade all of it into just memories of the past. You will remember that it happened, occasionally, but you won't experience the pain that you feel now. Trust me, time will take care of it. You will be free to have something sooo much better.
You will have to do the short-term pain for long-term gain. You have to trust that it will not always feel like this.
dandylion
One time, years ago (thank God), I had a very painful break-up. And, I do mean painful. I was the "rejected" one. I was older than him --although I was still childbearing age. He felt that he could not marry someone who could not bear more children. I had 3 from my first marriage. I was crushed--and I felt the same way you describe--how do I get past all the attachments and feelings?
I can tell you---about 6 months of acute grief---I often prayed to God to take away the awful pain. I went on working, etc, but, for a while I was a hot mess. Then I met my husband--the most beautiful soul. He loved me for who I am. He had no children, but loved mine as if they were his own. He died, recently, and rapidly from cancer. That "other guy" couldn't hold a candle to my husband!!! What had I been thinking??!
My dear, you must work through the grieving period. If you face it and are willing to go through it (suffer through it)---time will fade all of it into just memories of the past. You will remember that it happened, occasionally, but you won't experience the pain that you feel now. Trust me, time will take care of it. You will be free to have something sooo much better.
You will have to do the short-term pain for long-term gain. You have to trust that it will not always feel like this.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Letting go is hard! A lot of wisdom, strength and hope poured out in this thread!!
"part of how someone treats you, and whether they are good to you, is also what they bring to the table, and whether they are good FOR YOU. Being good to you is simply not enough, not when the stakes are so high--your life--being good FOR YOU is a must have. "
This quote really hits home to me - I stay because I love my AH, but this really puts things in perspective!
JD77, thanks for starting this thread, I know a lot of us are in your same situation - we all love our As, but like I have read on here time and time again, if we could love and cure them through their addiction then there would be no addiction!
Take care of you. You are on the right path - I think that the first step to our recovery is the awareness! The good news is, You don't have to make a decision today, take your time and reason through it, then you can make a more sound decision for what is right for you. As selfish as that sounds, like Blueskies said, we only get one life!
"part of how someone treats you, and whether they are good to you, is also what they bring to the table, and whether they are good FOR YOU. Being good to you is simply not enough, not when the stakes are so high--your life--being good FOR YOU is a must have. "
This quote really hits home to me - I stay because I love my AH, but this really puts things in perspective!
JD77, thanks for starting this thread, I know a lot of us are in your same situation - we all love our As, but like I have read on here time and time again, if we could love and cure them through their addiction then there would be no addiction!
Take care of you. You are on the right path - I think that the first step to our recovery is the awareness! The good news is, You don't have to make a decision today, take your time and reason through it, then you can make a more sound decision for what is right for you. As selfish as that sounds, like Blueskies said, we only get one life!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I was always tied up with the "great man" feelings. Maybe he is or could have been. But what I found when I started separating feelings and facts is that while I felt good in a relationship and I was communicating in a way that made me happy, he did not reciprocate. While he said the right things, he did not do them. While he made promises, he rarely if ever followed through on them. He wanted kudos and credit for doing regular old adult stuff like cooking and doing the dishes, but there is a life's worth of stuff aside from dishes and food that needed attending to and he did not do it.
(While he wanted praise and compliments, he did not give them to me. In fact, I remember him telling me it was too hard to say something nice about me. This hurt -- bad -- that he couldn't find a thing about me to say that was nice. One of those "shifts" I'm always talking about was on the day I finally said, "**** you, I can think of a lot of nice things to say about me, you, and everyone. I'm better than this tired story.")
Finally I realized I needed to redefine what a "great man" was to me, and it stopeed resting on good sex, funny jokes, and being interesting at parties, and started being redefined as someone who cared about how I was feeling, who reached out to me in times of joy and trouble, who was honest and trustworthy and handled his business regardless of whether I was looking to see if he indeed handled his business.
Since we started divorcing, I occasionally look at my STBXAH and wonder how he's doing, and it isn't long before I get a reminder that he still isn't a person who is handling the realities of adult life in a functional and progressive way. It makes me sad, and I miss him, or what I thought he was, but I'm happier today without all that weight on my shoulders.
(While he wanted praise and compliments, he did not give them to me. In fact, I remember him telling me it was too hard to say something nice about me. This hurt -- bad -- that he couldn't find a thing about me to say that was nice. One of those "shifts" I'm always talking about was on the day I finally said, "**** you, I can think of a lot of nice things to say about me, you, and everyone. I'm better than this tired story.")
Finally I realized I needed to redefine what a "great man" was to me, and it stopeed resting on good sex, funny jokes, and being interesting at parties, and started being redefined as someone who cared about how I was feeling, who reached out to me in times of joy and trouble, who was honest and trustworthy and handled his business regardless of whether I was looking to see if he indeed handled his business.
Since we started divorcing, I occasionally look at my STBXAH and wonder how he's doing, and it isn't long before I get a reminder that he still isn't a person who is handling the realities of adult life in a functional and progressive way. It makes me sad, and I miss him, or what I thought he was, but I'm happier today without all that weight on my shoulders.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
You all are amazing. I didn't know what to expect from here but it's gone beyond my expectations. Thank you for the thoughts. They are (slowly) sinking in. I have this huge empty spot in my heart and it hurts sooo much but I know that if I'm with him and he keeps doing this I will feel even more lost and confused. I just can't imagine life with someone else. I really hope someone else will come along someday that will fill the amazing parts of him that I'll miss and also give me more. I want to believe that I'll look back and be grateful for this time in my life but right now I just feel so terrible and the good times (with or without a man) feel so far away.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just can't imagine life with someone else. I really hope someone else will come along someday that will fill the amazing parts of him that I'll miss and also give me more.
as long as we continue to seek The Other that will make us FEEL better, we will continue to feel less than, unfulfilled and make poor choices when it comes to the next partner. I gently suggest that you NOT try to imagine a life with someone else, or hope there is another magical someone else that will make it all ok. NO ONE can do that FOR us.
seek to fill in those amazing spaces in yourself. to be independent, autonomous, self-fulfilled. not perfect, but complete enough.
you start be extracting yourself from this unhealthy toxic goo. it can be a bit like getting bubblegum out of your hair! might even have to whack a bit off in order to LET IT GO. it's a process. no instant fixes.
as long as we continue to seek The Other that will make us FEEL better, we will continue to feel less than, unfulfilled and make poor choices when it comes to the next partner. I gently suggest that you NOT try to imagine a life with someone else, or hope there is another magical someone else that will make it all ok. NO ONE can do that FOR us.
seek to fill in those amazing spaces in yourself. to be independent, autonomous, self-fulfilled. not perfect, but complete enough.
you start be extracting yourself from this unhealthy toxic goo. it can be a bit like getting bubblegum out of your hair! might even have to whack a bit off in order to LET IT GO. it's a process. no instant fixes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
perhaps, you could start by sitting down and making a list of all the unacceptable actions and behaviors you have endured with this guy.
It's so easy to just remember the good times.
It is important to stay in your today.
The past is over, the future remains untold.
All we can do to help guide us toward a better tomorrow, is base our decisions/choices on the FACTS we currently have in our possession.
Life has brought you to this moment, if you don't want to feel like you currently do, YOU have to start taking better care of YOU and addressing your personal needs.
I believe you deserve that. Don't You?
It's so easy to just remember the good times.
It is important to stay in your today.
The past is over, the future remains untold.
All we can do to help guide us toward a better tomorrow, is base our decisions/choices on the FACTS we currently have in our possession.
Life has brought you to this moment, if you don't want to feel like you currently do, YOU have to start taking better care of YOU and addressing your personal needs.
I believe you deserve that. Don't You?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Unfortunately there is no magic pill to cure your emotional hurt.
I view the heartache as a life learning lesson. For some unknown reason, the forces that be, felt we needed to experience this, you will rise above this and grow from this very difficult time in your life.
I certainly hope you are keeping very busy.
The key to your happiness is within you, another human can not complete you.
When we look to others for our personal security and inner joy, is when we find ourselves exactly where you are sitting today.
There is such a big wide world to explore and enjoy, get out there and experience it.
Do one nice thing, just for yourself, each day.
It is really ok, to love, honor, and respect yourself.
I view the heartache as a life learning lesson. For some unknown reason, the forces that be, felt we needed to experience this, you will rise above this and grow from this very difficult time in your life.
I certainly hope you are keeping very busy.
The key to your happiness is within you, another human can not complete you.
When we look to others for our personal security and inner joy, is when we find ourselves exactly where you are sitting today.
There is such a big wide world to explore and enjoy, get out there and experience it.
Do one nice thing, just for yourself, each day.
It is really ok, to love, honor, and respect yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
You can do it. Anybody can do it. They just have to not cave into short-term relief for long-term pain.
It's no different than an alcoholic quitting drinking. They too have to think of short-term pain for long-term gain.
Immediate gratification, or temporary relief from pain, at the expense of something better long-term will leave us soon enough, and then there's the long-term misery
awaiting us...
You can do it. Anybody can do it. They just have to not cave into short-term relief for long-term pain.
It's no different than an alcoholic quitting drinking. They too have to think of short-term pain for long-term gain.
Immediate gratification, or temporary relief from pain, at the expense of something better long-term will leave us soon enough, and then there's the long-term misery
awaiting us...
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