blackandblue

I am aware that my XABF is likely using his DOC again. I accept that me ending our relationship again likely triggered him to want to use again. I am aware that is not my fault or responsibility. But somehow I cannot accept that I did not contribute to it.

After our last contact and me reinstating no contact, I cannot honestly say that I am not tempted to run back to him. But I am not running back to him. He finally said something so cruel when I thought it could not get any worse. But it does get worse every time.

I have analyzed him, myself, our relationship for too long. Contributing his behavior to his personality issues and addiction and his childhood. All the while not considering me in the equation.

When does this stop being about him and start being about me? So I am once again in a no contact phase. This time it is less painful and feels more like what I need. Not just cutting it off because it is the right thing to do but more so because of something deep inside telling me to stay away.

But it comes back to acceptance. I have gone back to him several times just because I cannot accept the truth. The reality that he is an non-recovering active addict. The fact that I am addicted to him. And he like every other addict, does what addicts do. When will acceptance come? I feel I need to get there fast to keep me away from him.

GardenMama

We have our bottom, too, and I guess my thought after reading this is that you are the only one who can decide when you are truly done. Questioning and over-analyzing is so easy for us, we have been doing it non-stop with our addicted loved ones. We are also accustomed to being treated badly. We retreat, recover our strength, and then head right back into battle with something we have no way of mastering, beating, changing. We have to change ourselves. We have to decide we are worth more than all that. If the relationship is meant to heal, and thrive, it will do so because of the hard work of both partners. Work to accept the truth of your own VALUE to yourself.

And if you haven't, read CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Very instructive for the likes of us. I send you peace and acceptance and serenity.

Chloe1981

Wow. Powerful words.

blackandblue

What is acceptance? Acceptance for me will look like this.

Awareness that I have been engaging with an active addict for over three years.
Awareness that I have been part of the problem and have tolerated poor treatment.
Awareness that I have put my life on hold as a result of addiction.

Taking action by embracing recovery fully.
Taking action by living one day at a time.
Taking action by going no contact.

Accepting that even if he were to enter recovery I still need to let go.
Accepting that I am powerless over his addiction and his recovery.
Accepting that this is no longer the life I want to live.

Everything in the acceptance part is still difficult for me.
But nonetheless, I am taking care of me and reaching out to everyone but him.
I pray for the continued faith and strength.
And for you all too.

zoso77

I have a fascination with venomous snakes, in particular cottonmouths. A snake of the South, it is the only semi-aquatic pit viper. And contrary to legend, they're not as aggressive as you'd think. They've got a threat display of rearing their heads back and opening their mouths, and the lining of their mouths is white. Hence, their name. Being bit by one would not be pleasant; potentially fatal, but in this day and age, most of the time successfully treatable.

Whenever you think of your AXBF, picture a cottonmouth with his mouth wide open. That's his way of warning you to stay away.

And if you get too close --- BANG!!!!

Best,
ZoSo

LoveMeNow

Here is a chilling thought that has really helped me....

I believe with all my heart an active addicts soul has been hijacked by the devil. I, also, believe when 2 people are intimate, their souls become one. I do not want my soul to ever be "merged" with the a "tainted" soul. I do not want my soul to ever come that close to evil.

Lily1918

I believe this about the devil. I've seen it in many ways in all addicts and even more scary, in myself with codependency. "all stinkin thinkin comes from him"

Sunshine2

Blackandblue, with regards to you contributing to his relapse, I am sure in basic terms you are right. However, what you have to realise, is that if you didn't break up with him, something else would have happened to trigger a relapse. Life will always hand you lemons in amongst the honey. An addict serious about recovery will stay clean even during the hard times.

I remember I stopped smoking for about 3 months when I got the news that my brother committed suicide. I was in an absolute state and the thought "I need a cigarette" crossed my mind. I also remember the next thought was "a cigarette won't fix this, nothing will" and I didn't start smoking again because I was done with smoking.

Charlie0414

Blackandblue, I know what you are going through, my EX-Fiance... He was an alcoholic, we were at college at the time so drinking every night partying at the bar was a very common thing. We would go out and dance and party have fun. about 13 months into our relationship I noticed he was drinking too much (just like his father) he would go and belittle in front of my/his friends, put me down during sex and wondering why I would kick him out at 4 am. He got so drunk one night that he threatened to kill. After that I couldn't do it anymore. When I left him, he drank for a month straight. He went to class drunk. Then he realized he did this too himself and I wouldn't have left him if he wasn't like that. He cut down on his drinking and is doing so much better for himself. Leaving him was probably the best thing I did for him. Its okay to feel bad I did. But by you leaving him may give him that push he needs to truly quit.

Lara

You always write so well Blackandblue.... so perfectly put. I feel exactly the same way!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going no contact for the first time ever in 10 years or so... it is difficult but as they days go by (I think almost on 21 days) I am feeling better and stronger each day. There is so much more time to think about positive things and do positive things... it was frightening how time consuming H had become....

Lara

Oh my what powerful words - never thought of it like that!!!!!!

Kindeyes

When you make the decision to make it so.

Great list on acceptance b&b.......beautiful.

gentle hugs
ke

blackandblue

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words that help reinforce my decision to stay away. Having any sort of contact at all has been what has kept me engaged and coming back for more. I realize that I am going to have to disengage entirely to free myself from the cycle. We have had a lot of physical distance in the last two years but the off and on communication is not allowing me to move on. I do believe no contact is the only way.

LoveMeNow- Only now do I feel like I am reclaiming my identity that I handed over to someone who like you said- is possessed by something dark and evil. While I have been participating in life and doing the things I love, I feel that maybe I am not completely present for any of it while, even though he is not around, he has still dominated my thoughts and feelings.

Zoso- The visualization actually helps. And it made me laugh too cause I was wondering where you were going with telling me about cottonmouth snakes. So in that case, it sounds like I have a fascination with danger as I have gone back several times to try and befriend a venomous snake. And every time I try to get close and make myself vulnerable as you said- BANG!

This also reminded me of a recent dream I had where I was running from a tidal wave and being cornered by a snake and also a turtle appeared. Tidal waves appear often for me in dreams. I made no connection with the turtle and snake appearing in the same dream until I did a little dream research and found this parable. I always thought it was the scorpion and the turtle. But I found this- the snake and the turtle.

Mr. Snake approaches Mr. Turtle on a river bank and asks Mr. Turtle for a ride across the water since he can't swim the river himself. Mr. Turtle politely refuses to oblige, reasoning that if he were to give Mr. Snake a ride across the river, he would surely be bitten. Mr. Snake protests saying that it would be foolish for him to bite the one carrying him, since it would result in him perishing also. Mr. Turtle considers the argument, then agrees to ferry Mr. Snake over the broad river. When they are half-way across the river Mr. Turtle feels a sharp pain and realizes he has been bitten by Mr. Snake. As the venom is beginning to take effect, Mr. Turtle sadly and resolutely asks Mr. Snake why he bit him, since the biting will also result in Mr. Snake's demise. A wry smile came upon Mr. Snake's face. "I bit you because I am a snake Mr. Turtle; that is my nature."

ave

black and blue, thank you for creating this thread and for sharing that dream. I have gotten a lot out of this read, and the dream was cool to hear, because I too had a snake dream about a week ago.

In my dream, the snake had hatched from an egg; it was a cobra, velvety black, and in it's mouth I could see hints of fire (that detail might have been inspired by the dragons in the game of thrones marathon I watched before going to sleep ). It was very beautiful - magnificent, really, but sinister. It is a hard image to capture in words, but in the dream, I knew that the snake would burn me if I touched it. It was up in the "warning" position, hood flared, and it turned and looked at me - deep into me. I couldn't help but want to touch it, but the heat scared me. I reached out a little, but recoiled in fear of what would happen if I did touch it. I do not always remember dreams as vividly as I did this one. I can still see the snake in my mind's eye, clearly, to every detail.
Anyway, upon awakening, I looked up the symbolism of it, even though it was clear what the snake represented. I found it very interesting - how powerful in so many levels!!! I also considered the snake from the garden of eden - specifically as a symbol of temptation and a servant of satan. What a strong message for me!

To dream of cobra means creation, and creative energies. Some situation or relationship has you hypnotized. To dream that you are bitten by a cobra means that you are going through struggles. To dream of black cobra means a man in your life.
Snakes in general can symbolize power or male sexuality in dreams. A cobra is an especially fearsome snake since it is so extremely poisonous
To see a snake in dream also indicates that in your life someone is around you whom you can not trust. its a warning sign.


If you see broken eggs, then it represents that you are feeling fragile in your life.
To dream of cracked or open eggs represents action being taken or something that is finally happening. Birth. could mean fear of the future or the expectation of trouble.
Eggs are possibilities, things that can develop and grow if nurtured. Latent abilities and tendencies, good and bad. Also represent hopes

Lily1918

I like the idea of the snake because it is the foundation of what my religion is based on. maybe think of it as a parable if you have a different higher power... but Eve was deceived by the snake in the garden of Eden. He was charming and intelligent and a manipulative liar.

blackandblue

While we are talking about animals and symbols and dreams, this is what I came across shortly after my snake/turtle/tidal wave dream. The turtle representation was the most powerful in terms of its symbol of protection and moving at a slow pace. And its ability to dive deep into the unknown. That's what we all need going into recovery. A little turtle power- ha ha. Anyway, the sub-conscience has its way of trying to wake us up- I believe that is our soul that knows the truth.

Turtle energy is deeply connected with ancient Earth energies and is trying to get your attention. Consider what Turtle energy represents: ancient and long-lived, Turtle represents wisdom of ancient origin. The hard shell of Turtle houses the Earth energies, the powers that are timeless and steady. Turtle is expert in stillness and breathlessness. It goes at its own pace.

Turtle wants you to know that it is ok to slow down, to take time to meditate, to set aside for awhile the work you do in the world. Like Turtle, you go at your own pace. Turtle asks you to be patient. It appears so that you might awaken to your own nature. Slow down and listen to the breath of Turtle. It is gentle and deep. Follow Turtle to its home in Mother Earth.

When Turtle energy comes to you in dreams, it does so to remind you to seek the depths of the creative ocean. You are not meant to remain on the surface, getting battered by waves of worry and grappling endlessly with the drama of survival. You have gifts beneath the hard shell of protection that encases your heart. Release your heart by listening to the ocean that Turtle swims in. Listen and receive…

You have been like Turtle that has been on its back, unable to free yourself from a self-created prison of limiting beliefs and narrow assumptions about unfortunate “circumstances.” And you even feared the tidal waves fast approaching that you believed would dash you on the hard rocks of a world that seems so harsh…and yet the waves come as a way to free you from the stranglehold of thoughts, to awaken you to the depths of the Creative Ocean where you belong…

The Ocean is rising not to destroy, but to remind…

allforcnm

Thanks for sharing 'Turtle Power / Turtle Energy' ... that is really beautiful.

Turtle wants you to know that it is ok to slow down, to take time to meditate, to set aside for awhile the work you do in the world. Like Turtle, you go at your own pace. Turtle asks you to be patient. It appears so that you might awaken to your own nature. Slow down and listen to the breath of Turtle. It is gentle and deep. Follow Turtle to its home in Mother Earth.

When Turtle energy comes to you in dreams, it does so to remind you to seek the depths of the creative ocean. You are not meant to remain on the surface, getting battered by waves of worry and grappling endlessly with the drama of survival. You have gifts beneath the hard shell of protection that encases your heart. Release your heart by listening to the ocean that Turtle swims in. Listen and receive…

You have been like Turtle that has been on its back, unable to free yourself from a self-created prison of limiting beliefs and narrow assumptions about unfortunate “circumstances.” And you even feared the tidal waves fast approaching that you believed would dash you on the hard rocks of a world that seems so harsh…and yet the waves come as a way to free you from the stranglehold of thoughts, to awaken you to the depths of the Creative Ocean where you belong…

The Ocean is rising not to destroy, but to remind…

FlowersJasmine

You made up your mind it's good in fact contacts are devilish . Stay in the no contact phase as long as it is necessary. Addiction is a problem that you can solve it takes time for your mind to switch off from him completely- be patient.

blackandblue

In the limbo period. I am not tempted to run back and I am not ready to move on. Just somewhere in the middle.

blackandblue

I feel like I am finally turning a corner this last month and finding acceptance. I have been hanging out in all of the other phases of grief for years. I have had some recent days of depression and have the need to fill my time with distractions- mostly healthy ones. No contact (which for me was a phasing out of contact until now- no contact) is what has allowed me to come to this place of awareness and acceptance. Mainly through inaction in regards to him and action in regards to me. In light of his recent relapse (he started injecting heroin again) I got confirmation that my intuition is guiding me again. I walked away before his relapse because of the way he was treating me and not because of his using. I did not feel the need to communicate with him or be with him to find closure or a solution. It just dawned on me that literally, there is nothing I can do. Nothing. Except walk away and live my life. I have absolutely no idea what will happen and I will not be around to find out. I just won't spend every minute in worry, panic, and crisis anymore. This is not my battle. He will remain in my prayers. I am scared for him although I trust God will take care of him. It is so painful and challenging to let go. But today, I think I put down the rope and did not pick it back up for once. God watch over him and protect me from ever returning to that dark hell.