Acceptance
I am aware that my XABF is likely using his DOC again. I accept that me ending our relationship again likely triggered him to want to use again. I am aware that is not my fault or responsibility. But somehow I cannot accept that I did not contribute to it.
After our last contact and me reinstating no contact, I cannot honestly say that I am not tempted to run back to him. But I am not running back to him. He finally said something so cruel when I thought it could not get any worse. But it does get worse every time.
I have analyzed him, myself, our relationship for too long. Contributing his behavior to his personality issues and addiction and his childhood. All the while not considering me in the equation.
When does this stop being about him and start being about me? So I am once again in a no contact phase. This time it is less painful and feels more like what I need. Not just cutting it off because it is the right thing to do but more so because of something deep inside telling me to stay away.
But it comes back to acceptance. I have gone back to him several times just because I cannot accept the truth. The reality that he is an non-recovering active addict. The fact that I am addicted to him. And he like every other addict, does what addicts do. When will acceptance come? I feel I need to get there fast to keep me away from him.