Thanks everyone for your encouraging words that help reinforce my decision to stay away. Having any sort of contact at all has been what has kept me engaged and coming back for more. I realize that I am going to have to disengage entirely to free myself from the cycle. We have had a lot of physical distance in the last two years but the off and on communication is not allowing me to move on. I do believe no contact is the only way.
LoveMeNow- Only now do I feel like I am reclaiming my identity that I handed over to someone who like you said- is possessed by something dark and evil. While I have been participating in life and doing the things I love, I feel that maybe I am not completely present for any of it while, even though he is not around, he has still dominated my thoughts and feelings.
Zoso- The visualization actually helps. And it made me laugh too cause I was wondering where you were going with telling me about cottonmouth snakes. So in that case, it sounds like I have a fascination with danger as I have gone back several times to try and befriend a venomous snake. And every time I try to get close and make myself vulnerable as you said- BANG!
This also reminded me of a recent dream I had where I was running from a tidal wave and being cornered by a snake and also a turtle appeared. Tidal waves appear often for me in dreams. I made no connection with the turtle and snake appearing in the same dream until I did a little dream research and found this parable. I always thought it was the scorpion and the turtle. But I found this- the snake and the turtle.
Mr. Snake approaches Mr. Turtle on a river bank and asks Mr. Turtle for a ride across the water since he can't swim the river himself. Mr. Turtle politely refuses to oblige, reasoning that if he were to give Mr. Snake a ride across the river, he would surely be bitten. Mr. Snake protests saying that it would be foolish for him to bite the one carrying him, since it would result in him perishing also. Mr. Turtle considers the argument, then agrees to ferry Mr. Snake over the broad river. When they are half-way across the river Mr. Turtle feels a sharp pain and realizes he has been bitten by Mr. Snake. As the venom is beginning to take effect, Mr. Turtle sadly and resolutely asks Mr. Snake why he bit him, since the biting will also result in Mr. Snake's demise. A wry smile came upon Mr. Snake's face. "I bit you because I am a snake Mr. Turtle; that is my nature."