emanresu

I don't know why I'm posting on here, but I don't know where else to go. I have literally no one I can talk to right now.

I have been through a lot of ****** up things in my life and I'm only an 18 y/o college freshman. I was a Hurricane Katrina evacuee, lost everything I owned and my family split apart, forcing me to leave my life in Louisiana behind. My mother took me and my older brother away from our home and now I've been living in another state I HATE for about 7 years. My older brother was my best friend, the only one who understood me. He was addicted to heroin as a teen, then soon after was in a car accident and fell into a coma. Now he is mentally and physically hand-capped. He can't speak, walk, change himself, feed himself.. and he has the intelligence of a toddler (he is 24 now). It's SO hard seeing him like this because he was honestly my hero and I know he won't ever progress and will probably end up alone in a nursing home, never to get married, have kids etc.

My family life is so terrible. My mom is an alcoholic, my dad lives alone 12 hours away and my parents absolutely HATE each other. My aunt lives with my mom and I, and I truly believe she's crazy. She can be physically and mentally abusive to me.. she has pushed me down, thrown things at me, kicked a hole in my door, locked me out, threatened me. My dad used to be addicted to crack and he's sober now, but he's struggling, broke, lonely, and getting older. He tried to come visit my brother and me, but was kicked out of the house by my INSANE family on my mom's side.

I'm just now coming to realize that I'm an alcoholic. It sounds impossible for someone this young, but I get really (whiskey) drunk about 5 or 6 nights a week, black out and do it over and over again. The only time I hang out with friends is when I'm drunk because when I drink, my extreme social anxiety and shyness disappear and I feel like I can be myself. When I'm sober, I'm so painfully anxious and shy, even around family sometimes.. This has kept me from ever having a job or a boyfriend. I have only had sex twice, with two different guys, and they were both drunken one night stands. Both occasions, afterwards the guy wouldn't talk to me again. I got used and now I'm really hurt and have terrible, terrible luck with guys. I don't know if I will ever have a relationship, or if I will ever want one.

I have no confidence, I feel really confused about who I am and why I'm so down all the time. I feel SO stuck where I'm at, and hurt by everything around me. I'm really disappointed in myself and feel like a bum because I don't have a job, but I am in school, and have been trying really hard but no one has hired me. Also, I always excelled in school and consider myself very intelligent, but my reclusive personality keeps me from succeeding in anything.

I don't see any hope in my future. The only thing that I look forward to is getting drunk and smoking weed. I really dislike the person I have become and it's impossible to shake this feeling. I think if I kill myself, I will finally stop suffering and worrying. I don't want to go on.

Dee74

Hi and welcome emanresu

I think a lot of us have felt the way you do now.
It's really important to remember tho - you won't always feel this way.

The other - really important - thing to remember is you *do* have other choices between drinking and drugging and hurting yourself.

Please check this link out - there's lots of reading and lots of numbers for help, all over the world no matter where you are....people who are trained to help and who can help point you in the right direction.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

and look around here too - there's thousands of us...people who once felt hopeless and overwhelmed and swamped who managed turn their lives around.

Sometimes the start of that process is as easy as simply reaching out and letting other people know there's a problem

D

logo

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just keep on trying and hopefully things will get better. Don't give up now. You might want to take a good look at how much you drink as being a problem to how you feel. You have a long life still ahead of you. It is all about what you make of it. Hang out here at SR and you will get some good advice from a lot of people. Good luck on you journey in life. Love and Respect. Logo

Applecrumble

Hi emanresu,

You sound like a hugely resourceful and caring person. The problems you are facing now can and will all get better.

Stay close with us here at SR and we can support you with staying sober so that you can tackle the rest bit by bit. It really will be ok.

Applecrumble

OxyMaddened

I highlighted what I feel are enough reason to go on...you ARE obviously intelligent, your writing alone shows that. So, despite the deplorable living conditions you're are temporarily stuck with, you do have the capacity to rise above it. One thing is certain: getting drunk will not help you in that quest. All it will do will temporarily numb you to what you find difficult to deal with, but I'm sure you know that.

You're story sounds kind of similar to that of Liz Murray, who's life was portrayed in a Movie called, "Homeless to Harvard." She became homeless because her parents were both Heroin/Cocaine addicts and alcoholics; first her Mom died of AIDS when Liz was 15, and her Dad moved to a homeless shelter without her, then died of AIDS when she was about 19.

She was a very intelligent girl, like you seem to be. Education and a desire to break the chain and have a life that didn't include the negativity of drugs and alcohol is what did it for her. Life is very tough for you now, yes, but there is always something to be thankful for. For you, your intelligence and desire to change your circumstances can eventually bring you a new beginning.

Please don't give up. I'm sure you have a lot you can contribute to the world some day. Try to stay focused on school. Perhaps you can go to the school's student services and they can help with an internship job.

georgiagirl5

Hey there, all I can say is wow you have been through so much for 18. And it sounds like you have a lot of hard situations in your life. I will say this--I was 25 (fairly young) when I stopped drinking in AA. I started drinking at 18 and became an alcoholic very quick for some of the same reasons as you--shyness, felt more outgoing, more happy. I got to AA at 25 and I have stayed sober from alcohol for almost ten years. My life got SO much better. I met my husband, got married, things were great.

Unfortunately, this year I fell back into the trap and fell in love with pain pills. They did just what alcohol did for me without the hangover. But their "magic" wears off quite quickly and now I am an addict too. I am tapering off the pain pills for the second time this year so my withdrawal is no too severe.

The suicdal thoughts--I have had them over and over. I know them well and you feel hopeless that things will ever be better so why not just end it. I can tell you from experience things do get better if you just have a little courage to try something different (an AA meeting or something like that). I finally feel like I am coming back to myself after being depressed and suicidal for months. I have family stuff too--divorced parents, brother who won't speak to me (he is a marijuana addict),but I can say I do wish I was with my mom tonight. I am with my husband though for Christmas and for this year since I was so recently suicidal I didn't travel. They live far away.

Anyway, all I am saying is suicide is final. I know you feel hopeless I have been there but it does and can get much much better. I actually think the pain pills turned on me and made me feel worse at some point. But I am glad I didn't kill myself a lot of people would miss me and I am sure many would miss you.

Hang in there, I am praying for you. Merry Christmas.

Lyoness

Emanresu, I am here too to ask you to hang in there and stay alive!

I do understand how life can be a living hell at times. I was severely abused by many people in early childhood, grew up with an alcoholic father and codependent, emotionally unavailable mother, serious and very sick abuse in catholic church. I began drinking at 16 and taking benzos. Moved on to pot after that. Got off all of it but wound up with serious oxy addiction.

I also have had intense bouts of depression, many years suicidal. From 17-19 I used to pray every night to die and not wake up. Every day I woke up. But one day things changed. My biochemistry, who knows? But it stopped. I have had other equally serious bouts of depression and many times felt suicidal. But I have worked my way through them.

It is NOT easy, I won't lie. But it has been worth it. You obviously have great love for your brother and others. Use that love to sustain yourself. I often stayed alive for my kitties. May sound crazy but I knew they needed me and loved me and they were my family. If you can't love yourself that way yet, let the love you have for your brother or four legged friend or whoever keep you going.

You have reached out. You have the ability to make it. Keep making it day by day. I know it is terrible right now BUT IT WILL NOT STAY THAT WAY. I promise. It absolutely can get better. We are all here at Soberrecovery because we believe it can and will get better. If you can't have faith in yourself, please try to have faith in our faith that you can make it. We have faith in you, don't lose faith in yourself.

Look up your local NA/AA online. They have youth groups, too. Just being in a room of caring people who understand what you are going through can be incredibly helpful.

Please hang in there and stay on SR with us. Take care. I know it's not easy but keep reaching out.


Lyoness