emanresu

I don't know why I'm posting on here, but I don't know where else to go. I have literally no one I can talk to right now.

I have been through a lot of ****** up things in my life and I'm only an 18 y/o college freshman. I was a Hurricane Katrina evacuee, lost everything I owned and my family split apart, forcing me to leave my life in Louisiana behind. My mother took me and my older brother away from our home and now I've been living in another state I HATE for about 7 years. My older brother was my best friend, the only one who understood me. He was addicted to heroin as a teen, then soon after was in a car accident and fell into a coma. Now he is mentally and physically hand-capped. He can't speak, walk, change himself, feed himself.. and he has the intelligence of a toddler (he is 24 now). It's SO hard seeing him like this because he was honestly my hero and I know he won't ever progress and will probably end up alone in a nursing home, never to get married, have kids etc.

My family life is so terrible. My mom is an alcoholic, my dad lives alone 12 hours away and my parents absolutely HATE each other. My aunt lives with my mom and I, and I truly believe she's crazy. She can be physically and mentally abusive to me.. she has pushed me down, thrown things at me, kicked a hole in my door, locked me out, threatened me. My dad used to be addicted to crack and he's sober now, but he's struggling, broke, lonely, and getting older. He tried to come visit my brother and me, but was kicked out of the house by my INSANE family on my mom's side.

I'm just now coming to realize that I'm an alcoholic. It sounds impossible for someone this young, but I get really (whiskey) drunk about 5 or 6 nights a week, black out and do it over and over again. The only time I hang out with friends is when I'm drunk because when I drink, my extreme social anxiety and shyness disappear and I feel like I can be myself. When I'm sober, I'm so painfully anxious and shy, even around family sometimes.. This has kept me from ever having a job or a boyfriend. I have only had sex twice, with two different guys, and they were both drunken one night stands. Both occasions, afterwards the guy wouldn't talk to me again. I got used and now I'm really hurt and have terrible, terrible luck with guys. I don't know if I will ever have a relationship, or if I will ever want one.

I have no confidence, I feel really confused about who I am and why I'm so down all the time. I feel SO stuck where I'm at, and hurt by everything around me. I'm really disappointed in myself and feel like a bum because I don't have a job, but I am in school, and have been trying really hard but no one has hired me. Also, I always excelled in school and consider myself very intelligent, but my reclusive personality keeps me from succeeding in anything.

I don't see any hope in my future. The only thing that I look forward to is getting drunk and smoking weed. I really dislike the person I have become and it's impossible to shake this feeling. I think if I kill myself, I will finally stop suffering and worrying. I don't want to go on.