Struggling...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Struggling...
I'm having a really hard time tonight and I could use some insight. Please. I know I'm codie. I know I need to work on myself. I'm just not in a good spot right now so please go easy on me...I am learning as I go.
I have been dealing with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and his opiate addiction for over a year now. I posted the story somewhere else, so I'll just do a quick recap to give background.
He has chronic pain. He has been on prescription medication since we got together. He also used to be a severe alcoholic--he doesn't drink now. He also used to use heroin--IV. He says he has not done this for a few years. I believe that. Over the last year, he has abused his medications--running out way early, going through w/d a lot of times, getting sick from going back on the opiates too much, too fast. I have found needles and pill residue in pill caps. He has lied to me countless times. He moved in with me in January of this year at a time when things seemed really good. He began running out of the house and not coming back at the end of June, after I found another needle and after several more medication f**k-ups. He moved out completely in the last 2 months, I guess, and has been living with a married couple--the wife he has gotten plenty of pills from in the past as she is also on prescribed medications and has no problem sharing, apparently. He has gotten medications from her while he was still living with me and ran himself short. With him not here, I am not as anxious, of course, but I also have no idea what is going on for real. Not like I ever have I guess.
Situation now...we are still "together" and he says he wants to work things out and fix himself. He has been saying this and not doing it for a while. Near the end of September, he ended up with a horrendous infection in his arm which he claims was not anything to do with anything he did. Of course, I think it was from shooting his meds. He was given a few courses of IV antibiotics and sent home on antibiotic pills. He said no one at the ER suspected he gave himself the infection and he even told them his history of IV drug use. So, of course, I was an a-hole for not believing he didn't do it.
In the past week and a half, he told me that he was cutting down his pain pills with the help of his doctor. He was given a muscle relaxer by his PCP and his pain management doctor has split up his prescription into 10-day increments. He told me he is to try to wean off a little although the prescription is for the same amount. This is HIS plan, he insists, and he was just so happy his doctors are so willing to assist with HIS plan. I asked if he broke his pain contract and he said no, nothing like that, this is what he went in telling his doctors he wanted to do and, he said again, he was just so happy they were on board.
Last weekend, we spent time together and I could tell he was on less opiates. He was emotional--crying a lot, pupils were big, none of the signs were there that are when he is abusing pills. Then I started getting the feeling that he was on more again yesterday. Just his tone in texts--which I know sucks anyway--trying to decipher tone through texts. Then today, I got that feeling even more. It's his attitude, his tone (I did actually speak to him on the phone), the way he constructs sentences even. I told him it seemed like he was already "off the plan" and he got very mad at me, defensive, said I was discouraging, wanting to f**k him up, not supportive, cruel, mean, WRONG, and he even went in for a pill count, so there. I started trying to talk about my feelings, why I might have doubts, etc. to explain that I wasn't at all trying to f**k him up and obviously I want nothing more than for him to get clean. He stopped talking to me shortly after basically saying he had all he could take and I'm selfish and one-sided.
What I am wondering is what this sounds like to someone not in it. Why would his doctor be splitting his prescriptions going from a month at a time to ten days at a time? Why would he be getting called in for a pill count when he hasn't once in 8 months until now?
I don't know...I recognize I have issues. I just need an outside opinion.
I have been dealing with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and his opiate addiction for over a year now. I posted the story somewhere else, so I'll just do a quick recap to give background.
He has chronic pain. He has been on prescription medication since we got together. He also used to be a severe alcoholic--he doesn't drink now. He also used to use heroin--IV. He says he has not done this for a few years. I believe that. Over the last year, he has abused his medications--running out way early, going through w/d a lot of times, getting sick from going back on the opiates too much, too fast. I have found needles and pill residue in pill caps. He has lied to me countless times. He moved in with me in January of this year at a time when things seemed really good. He began running out of the house and not coming back at the end of June, after I found another needle and after several more medication f**k-ups. He moved out completely in the last 2 months, I guess, and has been living with a married couple--the wife he has gotten plenty of pills from in the past as she is also on prescribed medications and has no problem sharing, apparently. He has gotten medications from her while he was still living with me and ran himself short. With him not here, I am not as anxious, of course, but I also have no idea what is going on for real. Not like I ever have I guess.
Situation now...we are still "together" and he says he wants to work things out and fix himself. He has been saying this and not doing it for a while. Near the end of September, he ended up with a horrendous infection in his arm which he claims was not anything to do with anything he did. Of course, I think it was from shooting his meds. He was given a few courses of IV antibiotics and sent home on antibiotic pills. He said no one at the ER suspected he gave himself the infection and he even told them his history of IV drug use. So, of course, I was an a-hole for not believing he didn't do it.
In the past week and a half, he told me that he was cutting down his pain pills with the help of his doctor. He was given a muscle relaxer by his PCP and his pain management doctor has split up his prescription into 10-day increments. He told me he is to try to wean off a little although the prescription is for the same amount. This is HIS plan, he insists, and he was just so happy his doctors are so willing to assist with HIS plan. I asked if he broke his pain contract and he said no, nothing like that, this is what he went in telling his doctors he wanted to do and, he said again, he was just so happy they were on board.
Last weekend, we spent time together and I could tell he was on less opiates. He was emotional--crying a lot, pupils were big, none of the signs were there that are when he is abusing pills. Then I started getting the feeling that he was on more again yesterday. Just his tone in texts--which I know sucks anyway--trying to decipher tone through texts. Then today, I got that feeling even more. It's his attitude, his tone (I did actually speak to him on the phone), the way he constructs sentences even. I told him it seemed like he was already "off the plan" and he got very mad at me, defensive, said I was discouraging, wanting to f**k him up, not supportive, cruel, mean, WRONG, and he even went in for a pill count, so there. I started trying to talk about my feelings, why I might have doubts, etc. to explain that I wasn't at all trying to f**k him up and obviously I want nothing more than for him to get clean. He stopped talking to me shortly after basically saying he had all he could take and I'm selfish and one-sided.
What I am wondering is what this sounds like to someone not in it. Why would his doctor be splitting his prescriptions going from a month at a time to ten days at a time? Why would he be getting called in for a pill count when he hasn't once in 8 months until now?
I don't know...I recognize I have issues. I just need an outside opinion.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 217
Damn,
That's rough.
It sounds like he is a complete disaster.
If he wants to get clean from this level, it is going to take everything you both have got.
I lost someone very special to me who couldn't hang while I was there. It was soo simple to her. No pills, right!?
You should give it a run....
Best of luck yo
That's rough.
It sounds like he is a complete disaster.
If he wants to get clean from this level, it is going to take everything you both have got.
I lost someone very special to me who couldn't hang while I was there. It was soo simple to her. No pills, right!?
You should give it a run....
Best of luck yo
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 369
Thanks milroy...
Trust me. I don't consider this simple. I'm still hanging in for the most part despite all the issues. I've also had my own struggles--although my addiction is not nearly as powerful physically. I also am working through codependency issues...and I have serious difficulty not falling back into unhealthy behaviors.
When you say I should give it a run, what did you mean exactly?
Trust me. I don't consider this simple. I'm still hanging in for the most part despite all the issues. I've also had my own struggles--although my addiction is not nearly as powerful physically. I also am working through codependency issues...and I have serious difficulty not falling back into unhealthy behaviors.
When you say I should give it a run, what did you mean exactly?
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
He is your ex and current boyfriend? He lies to you. You believe some of what he says, and disbelieve others. You are skeptical of his relationship with his doctor. He's making resolutions that he is not following through with. You are less anxious when he is not around (just think about that for a second...what does that tell you?) etc. etc. I don't think you really need an outside opinion to know that these are not signs of a healthy loving relationship.
I'd suggest you spend one continuous year of good recovery for yourself and let him take one continuous year of good recovery for himself. Just a one year vacation from each other so that both of you can work on yourselves without each other interfering. Then after you are both experiencing over a year of good continuous recovery and living healthy spiritual lives, sit down and talk about if you guys should get back together or not.
From what you've said, one year of good continuous sobriety is virtually impossible for both of you in this current situation and its the thing you both need the most.
I'd suggest you spend one continuous year of good recovery for yourself and let him take one continuous year of good recovery for himself. Just a one year vacation from each other so that both of you can work on yourselves without each other interfering. Then after you are both experiencing over a year of good continuous recovery and living healthy spiritual lives, sit down and talk about if you guys should get back together or not.
From what you've said, one year of good continuous sobriety is virtually impossible for both of you in this current situation and its the thing you both need the most.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 217
Yea.. That's the ****** truth!
I mean, if you really love him, you might try to help him get sober. I don't think that means abandoning someone, but he needs to know how serious and strong you are.
I've been left. It sucks.
I don't think that will help, but I do know people who have done that and had success.
Just do what you feel, with love and I think it will be ok.
???? That's the best advice I have
I mean, if you really love him, you might try to help him get sober. I don't think that means abandoning someone, but he needs to know how serious and strong you are.
I've been left. It sucks.
I don't think that will help, but I do know people who have done that and had success.
Just do what you feel, with love and I think it will be ok.
???? That's the best advice I have
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Situation now...we are still "together" and he says he wants to work things out and fix himself.
Honey, it doesn't matter what he says, wanting to work things out and fix himself , those words sound wonderful, his actions tell a different story.
What he needs most from the people who love him, is to be left alone to figure out his ****.
You asked What I am wondering is what this sounds like to someone not in it.
What is sounds like to me is that he is deep in the throes of addiction, it sounds like he has not committed to quitting, he sounds manipulative, in denial, blaming everything but himself for his issues. Sounds like you have put enough time and energy into worry about him. He is lost and no one can find him but him. Sounds like his bottom is nowhere in sight. Let him fall.
Please, get to Alanon, counseling, turn your attention to yourself.
Take good care, Katie
Honey, it doesn't matter what he says, wanting to work things out and fix himself , those words sound wonderful, his actions tell a different story.
What he needs most from the people who love him, is to be left alone to figure out his ****.
You asked What I am wondering is what this sounds like to someone not in it.
What is sounds like to me is that he is deep in the throes of addiction, it sounds like he has not committed to quitting, he sounds manipulative, in denial, blaming everything but himself for his issues. Sounds like you have put enough time and energy into worry about him. He is lost and no one can find him but him. Sounds like his bottom is nowhere in sight. Let him fall.
Please, get to Alanon, counseling, turn your attention to yourself.
Take good care, Katie
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
How else do you get a horrendous infection in your arm? Was it a bad spider bite? I used IV heroin for years and had abscesses several times and a few that put me in the hospital. It usually came from reusing a needle too many times or just dirty cut on the drug. The infections were so bad only IV antibiotics would touch it and if that was not enough they had to go in there and drain it. Gross I know, but if an iv user tells you their infection was not from using I would definitely call bullsh*t.
KatieKate basically said it all already. Just an opinion from someone who has been where he is you can not believe a word he says and I mean not a word. He might be making attempts to quit, but they sound quite futile. Telling yourself you are going to quit and making actual changes to quit are two entirely different things. Addicts often tell themselves they need to quit to make themselves feel better and help carry on the addiction. I told myself that for years. I lied to my wife's face so many times she basically quit asking me about it because she knew it was going to be a lie. Actions are the only thing that matter at this point.
If I were you I would take a big step back. Unfortunately it does not sound like he is even close to getting real help. Work on yourself and move on with your life. Sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself!
KatieKate basically said it all already. Just an opinion from someone who has been where he is you can not believe a word he says and I mean not a word. He might be making attempts to quit, but they sound quite futile. Telling yourself you are going to quit and making actual changes to quit are two entirely different things. Addicts often tell themselves they need to quit to make themselves feel better and help carry on the addiction. I told myself that for years. I lied to my wife's face so many times she basically quit asking me about it because she knew it was going to be a lie. Actions are the only thing that matter at this point.
If I were you I would take a big step back. Unfortunately it does not sound like he is even close to getting real help. Work on yourself and move on with your life. Sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself!
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Thank you guys for the responses. I woke up today feeling a little better, but not really.
Rob--I said boyfriend/ex-boyfriend because I don't even know half the time what this is anymore. And you are right about everything you said. It's not healthy at all. We have good days and then we are right back to this. I can't even believe I have stayed clean through the past 7 or so weeks that it's been for me. I guess I'm lucky to not have tried harder drugs.
I also get the impression that he is not near a place where sobriety is his priority. He even acts/talks as though since he has been to rehab a few times already, he KNOWS what will work for him and this "cutting down over a few months with the help of other non-narcotic drugs" is the best plan. Without meetings, without therapy, without anything else changing.
Marcus--it's funny you mention spider bites because a week before the infection got bad he had two lumps on one hand and one on the other--all swelled up. He got in my car when I went to pick him up and pointed them out saying, "Before you notice and think anything bad, I want to show you these." Spider bites. There were no signs of actual bites--the usual two puncture marks. And I think he absolutely reuses needles too much. I've found pieces of sandpaper that look as though they were used to sharpen them, but that was denied too. He has given me all sorts of explanations for things that sound plausible on the face of them but are also standard for opiate addicts--"I bumped my head and that's why I seem so messed up." "My medications affect me differently at different times." "I was in the bathroom so many times for so long because I'm constipated, THANKS for embarrassing me though." "Those pills got WET, I didn't SCRAPE them!" "My pill bottle must have opened up in my pocket and some of them fell out." "I think my friend may have taken some when I was in the bathroom." "I'm sick because the pastrami was bad, not because of my pills!" "The needle was broken! I didn't even use it!" I could go on...
Katie--I think you're right as well. I seem to know these things in my rational mind, but can't follow through with them because of my own issues. My own fears. I worry, what if he finds someone else? What if it's over for good? If it stays this way wouldn't I want to be free of this??
Part of MY issue now is that because of who I am, what I've been through in my life before him AND with him, I have not always reacted in any way that would be considered healthy or productive. The lies and him ditching me to live where he is and the constant stress and broken promises have left me resentful and scared. I've gotten very angry. I say things in the worst way possible. I don't say anything not true, but I am biting and I've been called vicious. Since I have so much I can blame myself for, it's easy for him to blame me and for me to end up thinking it is my fault.
I don't know how I can KNOW sometimes what I need to do, what would be healthy, and what will certainly lead to more misery, and then I can't act on it.
Rob--I said boyfriend/ex-boyfriend because I don't even know half the time what this is anymore. And you are right about everything you said. It's not healthy at all. We have good days and then we are right back to this. I can't even believe I have stayed clean through the past 7 or so weeks that it's been for me. I guess I'm lucky to not have tried harder drugs.
I also get the impression that he is not near a place where sobriety is his priority. He even acts/talks as though since he has been to rehab a few times already, he KNOWS what will work for him and this "cutting down over a few months with the help of other non-narcotic drugs" is the best plan. Without meetings, without therapy, without anything else changing.
Marcus--it's funny you mention spider bites because a week before the infection got bad he had two lumps on one hand and one on the other--all swelled up. He got in my car when I went to pick him up and pointed them out saying, "Before you notice and think anything bad, I want to show you these." Spider bites. There were no signs of actual bites--the usual two puncture marks. And I think he absolutely reuses needles too much. I've found pieces of sandpaper that look as though they were used to sharpen them, but that was denied too. He has given me all sorts of explanations for things that sound plausible on the face of them but are also standard for opiate addicts--"I bumped my head and that's why I seem so messed up." "My medications affect me differently at different times." "I was in the bathroom so many times for so long because I'm constipated, THANKS for embarrassing me though." "Those pills got WET, I didn't SCRAPE them!" "My pill bottle must have opened up in my pocket and some of them fell out." "I think my friend may have taken some when I was in the bathroom." "I'm sick because the pastrami was bad, not because of my pills!" "The needle was broken! I didn't even use it!" I could go on...
Katie--I think you're right as well. I seem to know these things in my rational mind, but can't follow through with them because of my own issues. My own fears. I worry, what if he finds someone else? What if it's over for good? If it stays this way wouldn't I want to be free of this??
Part of MY issue now is that because of who I am, what I've been through in my life before him AND with him, I have not always reacted in any way that would be considered healthy or productive. The lies and him ditching me to live where he is and the constant stress and broken promises have left me resentful and scared. I've gotten very angry. I say things in the worst way possible. I don't say anything not true, but I am biting and I've been called vicious. Since I have so much I can blame myself for, it's easy for him to blame me and for me to end up thinking it is my fault.
I don't know how I can KNOW sometimes what I need to do, what would be healthy, and what will certainly lead to more misery, and then I can't act on it.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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I think the spider bite excuse is the fallback of choice for the IV user when they get an infection which is why I said it. I think that is what I told people at my work when it looked like I had a baseball lodged in my forearm. Funny that he didn't have just one, but 3 and on different hands. Wow what a coincidence?!?! Addicts make me laugh and I am one. We often think we are fooling people with our lies, but anyone that doesn't have their blinders on knows better. I knew at the end I was full of it and nobody believed me, but carried on the lies because I just did not want to admit it. Basically saying you we're right and I am a lying drug addict.
Trust your gut. My wife would drug test me and I would test positive and then tell her the test must have been bad. Really? I would come out of the bathroom after 10 minutes and you could still see the indention from the tie that I had around my arm and be like no that was from lying down on the couch or some other ridiculous excuse.
How are you supposed to react in a healthy way when someone is lying all of the time? You should be resentful and scared. That is a natural reaction. Unfortunately my wife went through the same thing. She became a huge codependent. She would rather look the other way at the end then confront me because she knew I would lie or it would turn into a huge fight. I was not allowed to feel the full consequences of my actions. She would threaten to kick me out if I used again, but then never follow through. The cycle kept repeating again and again. I am not blaming her because I was the one doing it, but after someone proves to you they are full of it something has to change or nothing changes. When she finally did start enforcing some boundaries I pushed back even harder at first thinking she would break and I could get away with it again. I mean that is what she always did, but this time it was different. I cringe when I think back to some of the crap I pulled. I really did start to lose touch with reality at the end. I created an alternate reality for myself. I had to in order to keep up with what I was doing.
I wish I had the answer for you. I sure would not want to live with me. It is just too unpredictable. My wife's dad died when she was in 8th grade and she said at least she was able to mourn his death and move on. With me every time I had some sober time and then fell back she felt like she was morning a death over and over again. That is bound to screw anyone up in the head.
Staying with him in this condition does not sound to me like it is healthy for either of you. He has had several opportunities to change so you are in no way abandoning him. I know it sucks. You are going to have to try some new things you might not be used to, but in the end I think you will find some peace. Whatever you do try to focus on yourself. Maybe see a therapist that can help you to process thru your issues and as you say your reactions that are unhealthy and unproductive. Let him do what he is going to do.
Trust your gut. My wife would drug test me and I would test positive and then tell her the test must have been bad. Really? I would come out of the bathroom after 10 minutes and you could still see the indention from the tie that I had around my arm and be like no that was from lying down on the couch or some other ridiculous excuse.
How are you supposed to react in a healthy way when someone is lying all of the time? You should be resentful and scared. That is a natural reaction. Unfortunately my wife went through the same thing. She became a huge codependent. She would rather look the other way at the end then confront me because she knew I would lie or it would turn into a huge fight. I was not allowed to feel the full consequences of my actions. She would threaten to kick me out if I used again, but then never follow through. The cycle kept repeating again and again. I am not blaming her because I was the one doing it, but after someone proves to you they are full of it something has to change or nothing changes. When she finally did start enforcing some boundaries I pushed back even harder at first thinking she would break and I could get away with it again. I mean that is what she always did, but this time it was different. I cringe when I think back to some of the crap I pulled. I really did start to lose touch with reality at the end. I created an alternate reality for myself. I had to in order to keep up with what I was doing.
I wish I had the answer for you. I sure would not want to live with me. It is just too unpredictable. My wife's dad died when she was in 8th grade and she said at least she was able to mourn his death and move on. With me every time I had some sober time and then fell back she felt like she was morning a death over and over again. That is bound to screw anyone up in the head.
Staying with him in this condition does not sound to me like it is healthy for either of you. He has had several opportunities to change so you are in no way abandoning him. I know it sucks. You are going to have to try some new things you might not be used to, but in the end I think you will find some peace. Whatever you do try to focus on yourself. Maybe see a therapist that can help you to process thru your issues and as you say your reactions that are unhealthy and unproductive. Let him do what he is going to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 107
Oh boy mstrust 
I think hes your addiction. I know this is hard , and I feel your pain.. But please dont let him take you down, and stop trying to hold him up. Like another poster said you've got to let him fall. He will eventually fall, but your choice is to watch it, or walk away from it (I personally think BOTH are going to be very very hard)
You've got a addiction yourself as you said, I think you need to look at him as another addiction.
I am sending you a HUGE cyber HUG!! I know what its like not knowing what the right choice is or what the right thing to do is. Blinded by all that fog and uncertanty, If you had a daughter and she was telling you this stuff about her love, what would be your advice to her?
I think hes your addiction. I know this is hard , and I feel your pain.. But please dont let him take you down, and stop trying to hold him up. Like another poster said you've got to let him fall. He will eventually fall, but your choice is to watch it, or walk away from it (I personally think BOTH are going to be very very hard)You've got a addiction yourself as you said, I think you need to look at him as another addiction.
I am sending you a HUGE cyber HUG!! I know what its like not knowing what the right choice is or what the right thing to do is. Blinded by all that fog and uncertanty, If you had a daughter and she was telling you this stuff about her love, what would be your advice to her?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 369
Thank you again.
Again, all of you are right. He is one of my addictions, for sure. I've been working out my codependency issues, I'm in therapy, reading A TON...I've realized things about myself that I can't believe I never realized before--not trying to beat myself up, it's just sometimes things are so clear in hindsight. I find not knowing what's going on with him and the thought of 'over forever' to be unbearable yet when I am in contact with him and I know he's lying or otherwise treating me poorly, that is worse by far. It doesn't help my self-esteem when I find myself behaving in ways that are truly contradictory to who I really am. But yet, as you said, Marcus, OF COURSE I have resentments, anger, sadness, trust issues, etc. and so on and on.
Marcus...may I ask--are you still married? Are you sober now? I also sometimes go through periods where I won't ask any questions because I know I won't get the truth. I've tuned things out to try to have a normal time, but in the end, I end up losing my cool and I just can't deal.
By the way, my other addiction is pot. I know popular opinion can be that it's not a "real" addiction, but it messed me up and took me forever and a million tries to quit. That gives me some insight into how difficult addiction can be, and it also made me feel like a hypocrite for awhile. I never lied to him about my use, and my pot smoking certainly did not cause the kind of trouble opiates have, but I didn't by any means think it healthy of me. Nor did it help me cope with any of what I am and have been dealing with.
Again, all of you are right. He is one of my addictions, for sure. I've been working out my codependency issues, I'm in therapy, reading A TON...I've realized things about myself that I can't believe I never realized before--not trying to beat myself up, it's just sometimes things are so clear in hindsight. I find not knowing what's going on with him and the thought of 'over forever' to be unbearable yet when I am in contact with him and I know he's lying or otherwise treating me poorly, that is worse by far. It doesn't help my self-esteem when I find myself behaving in ways that are truly contradictory to who I really am. But yet, as you said, Marcus, OF COURSE I have resentments, anger, sadness, trust issues, etc. and so on and on.
Marcus...may I ask--are you still married? Are you sober now? I also sometimes go through periods where I won't ask any questions because I know I won't get the truth. I've tuned things out to try to have a normal time, but in the end, I end up losing my cool and I just can't deal.
By the way, my other addiction is pot. I know popular opinion can be that it's not a "real" addiction, but it messed me up and took me forever and a million tries to quit. That gives me some insight into how difficult addiction can be, and it also made me feel like a hypocrite for awhile. I never lied to him about my use, and my pot smoking certainly did not cause the kind of trouble opiates have, but I didn't by any means think it healthy of me. Nor did it help me cope with any of what I am and have been dealing with.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Yes I am still married. I am 9 months sober currently. We have been married 11 years and have 3 children together and my wife is a stay at home mom which I think is why she stuck around for so long. Things are getting better between us, but at 9 months we are still just scratching the surface. She is still a bit shell shocked and waiting for something horrible to happen, but the trust is starting to come back. I am sure if she knew 7 years ago what she would have to go through when I first came clean about my use and went into detox and then rehab she would have ran for the hills. About 6 inpatient detoxes, outpatient and inpatient rehab, a halfway house, and another 15 or so self detoxes I am finally making some real progress.
I have had 3 months sober several times and 5 months twice and 6 months once before the 9 months currently. I have been to hundreds of AA and NA meetings and stalled out working through my 9th step amends twice. Most IV heroin addicts I know that had been at it several years unfortunately have pretty low bottoms. I know you said your boyfriend is shooting oxy which if he is doing a decent amount might as well be heroin.
I still go to meetings and work with a sponsor, but that is not my only support. I see an addictions counselor one on one every week and attend group with him for 3 hours once a week still. I know I am telling you to let go and here I am still married, but I honestly think if my wife threw me out and I got to really feel like what life was like without her or getting to see my kids everyday I might have found my way a bit sooner, but who knows. I might have ODed and died out there too. Today I am grateful. Grateful for all the hell I went through because it forced me to pull out all the stops and jump into my recovery with both feet. No more half measures. Of course I hate that I put so many people through hell especially my Wife. My kids are still young so I still have a chance to be the best dad I can be. I do feel like I am making up for lost time. I wasted a lot of years doing dope that I can never get back, but there is no going back so time to move forward.
I have had 3 months sober several times and 5 months twice and 6 months once before the 9 months currently. I have been to hundreds of AA and NA meetings and stalled out working through my 9th step amends twice. Most IV heroin addicts I know that had been at it several years unfortunately have pretty low bottoms. I know you said your boyfriend is shooting oxy which if he is doing a decent amount might as well be heroin.
I still go to meetings and work with a sponsor, but that is not my only support. I see an addictions counselor one on one every week and attend group with him for 3 hours once a week still. I know I am telling you to let go and here I am still married, but I honestly think if my wife threw me out and I got to really feel like what life was like without her or getting to see my kids everyday I might have found my way a bit sooner, but who knows. I might have ODed and died out there too. Today I am grateful. Grateful for all the hell I went through because it forced me to pull out all the stops and jump into my recovery with both feet. No more half measures. Of course I hate that I put so many people through hell especially my Wife. My kids are still young so I still have a chance to be the best dad I can be. I do feel like I am making up for lost time. I wasted a lot of years doing dope that I can never get back, but there is no going back so time to move forward.
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He is actually on Dilaudid--he is prescribed 6 4mg tabs/day and 1 12mg/Exalgo (extended release hydromorphone) 2x a day. When our relationship started he was on Dilaudid tabs and Fentanyl. In my field, I am in doctors' offices A LOT and if this is brought up at all, I am usually met with shock. No one prescribes Dilaudid unless people are dying of a terminal illness. I suppose, if he keeps going, in some ways he is too.
The boyfriend has done multiple rehab/detox stays. Long term rehab once, I believe. Also, prison. He is out of the house but I'm obviously still around clinging to hope. No one else really knows how bad he is. He is a really convincing, functional addict.
I'm happy to hear that you are both still married and sober. I hope things continue to go well for you. Why did you continue to lie even though your wife obviously knew what was going on? I worry that even if he got clean, I would have that ongoing lack of trust for who knows how long. Does it ever make you angry??
The boyfriend has done multiple rehab/detox stays. Long term rehab once, I believe. Also, prison. He is out of the house but I'm obviously still around clinging to hope. No one else really knows how bad he is. He is a really convincing, functional addict.
I'm happy to hear that you are both still married and sober. I hope things continue to go well for you. Why did you continue to lie even though your wife obviously knew what was going on? I worry that even if he got clean, I would have that ongoing lack of trust for who knows how long. Does it ever make you angry??
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MS trust. I have read all of your posts and everyone else's. My drug of choice was Dilaudid and I used to break them down and use them IV. Your boyfriend is definitely abusing them. Oral dilaudid is not a high like using them IV. They are a serious euphoria that feels crazy good and the worst is the more and more you want to use. He is chasing a high. The withdrawal from the medicaiton stinks but I did it cold turkery and it can be done!
He may have chronic pain but there other medications out there that can control his pain better. If he wants to truly quit then he needs to make sure he is being truthful with his doctor. Hopefully he will do this. Good Luck because it may be a long haul for you if you choose to stay.
He may have chronic pain but there other medications out there that can control his pain better. If he wants to truly quit then he needs to make sure he is being truthful with his doctor. Hopefully he will do this. Good Luck because it may be a long haul for you if you choose to stay.
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I guess I lied because that was my defense mechanism. It just came natural. Towards the end she knew my patterns so well she could see the relapse coming. I would have small changes in my demeanor and she would ask me if I was doing okay and she was worried and I would say I was fine even though I had already arranged to get drugs. Once it was obvious I was using I would say okay you are right. I just can't stop. I am so screwed. I was very hopeless and meant it (I think - haha). Not trying to make jokes.
It was not 7 years of hell by the way. There would be periods of sobriety and things started to get better. We had two more kids during this time so obviously something was going right. I just kept falling back into it. Today I ask myself what were you thinking? Why did you keep going back to it. I guess I just was not good at dealing with life. I was like a big kid. Times would get tough and my initial reaction was to get high. It took a long time to be able to work through that. I know I have a long way to go, but am hopeful today.
Dilaudid (hydromorphone) and extended release hydromorphone. Definitlely a favorite for addicts. Much better IV too - makes sense. I have tried every opiate out there I think. Actually a tad stronger than heroin, but how much you are using makes a big difference too. Well I hope whatever consequences he needs to face he faces and finds recovery.
Do I get angry that she doesn't trust me? Obviously I have no reason to based on my track record. I guess it is more of a sadness. I want her to trust me and it makes me sad for her that she can't but she has every right. I think as long as I keep doing the next right thing it will keep getting better and that is all I can really ask for.
It was not 7 years of hell by the way. There would be periods of sobriety and things started to get better. We had two more kids during this time so obviously something was going right. I just kept falling back into it. Today I ask myself what were you thinking? Why did you keep going back to it. I guess I just was not good at dealing with life. I was like a big kid. Times would get tough and my initial reaction was to get high. It took a long time to be able to work through that. I know I have a long way to go, but am hopeful today.
Dilaudid (hydromorphone) and extended release hydromorphone. Definitlely a favorite for addicts. Much better IV too - makes sense. I have tried every opiate out there I think. Actually a tad stronger than heroin, but how much you are using makes a big difference too. Well I hope whatever consequences he needs to face he faces and finds recovery.
Do I get angry that she doesn't trust me? Obviously I have no reason to based on my track record. I guess it is more of a sadness. I want her to trust me and it makes me sad for her that she can't but she has every right. I think as long as I keep doing the next right thing it will keep getting better and that is all I can really ask for.
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It's hard to come up with something different to say as it seems the feeling is pretty unanimous. I have seen, done and said everything on both "sides" of this thread. I can see the lying baastard that used to be me saying all the right things (because we all really know what is right we just don't do it) and then getting mad when caught stumbling over my own bullshiit. Getting mad is an attempt to make it YOUR problem rather than his. It is no longer his problem for lying it is your problem for not believing him. Even though reading that may seem like really stupid thinking it seemingly works on a sufficiently buffaloed codependent.
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It does work. I end up feeling bad for being whatever it is I am being--pissed off, accusing, "interrogating", discouraging...you all know.
Yeah...about the IV Dilaudid. I am very aware that once you start shooting, you can't possibly get the same effect from oral use. In my codependency sickness, I have read pages and pages of info on opiates, Dilaudid, IV use, from addicts, from doctors, from people dealing with addicts, etc and so on and on again. Of course, he tells me that he isn't doing any of this to get high. I know he is kidding himself to think that he can do this tapering thing without any kind of anything else. And I am kidding myself if I think this has a chance of getting better any time in the near future.
He isn't honest with his doctors and I'm sure he isn't honest with me ABOUT the doctors. I wouldn't be surprised if he was in some kind of trouble with pain management and that's why they are splitting up his scripts and having him in for counts.
Today he must have felt bad about the way he was treating me last night. As I said, he went off the deep end a bit--angry, defensive--because I dared say it seemed that he was overtaking his meds again--"off the plan". I've spent a lot of time writing to him about my thoughts and feelings, knowing it gets me nowhere at this point. He rarely even addresses anything I say. Today, he said he was going to take some time and do his best to write back to me, to respond to what I've said, and to tell me his feelings. It's 11pm. I've gotten nothing. Am I surprised? No. I just hope this can be a real turning point for me. I've been crying the same tears since forever now and I've seen change for the worse, nothing more.
Yeah...about the IV Dilaudid. I am very aware that once you start shooting, you can't possibly get the same effect from oral use. In my codependency sickness, I have read pages and pages of info on opiates, Dilaudid, IV use, from addicts, from doctors, from people dealing with addicts, etc and so on and on again. Of course, he tells me that he isn't doing any of this to get high. I know he is kidding himself to think that he can do this tapering thing without any kind of anything else. And I am kidding myself if I think this has a chance of getting better any time in the near future.
He isn't honest with his doctors and I'm sure he isn't honest with me ABOUT the doctors. I wouldn't be surprised if he was in some kind of trouble with pain management and that's why they are splitting up his scripts and having him in for counts.
Today he must have felt bad about the way he was treating me last night. As I said, he went off the deep end a bit--angry, defensive--because I dared say it seemed that he was overtaking his meds again--"off the plan". I've spent a lot of time writing to him about my thoughts and feelings, knowing it gets me nowhere at this point. He rarely even addresses anything I say. Today, he said he was going to take some time and do his best to write back to me, to respond to what I've said, and to tell me his feelings. It's 11pm. I've gotten nothing. Am I surprised? No. I just hope this can be a real turning point for me. I've been crying the same tears since forever now and I've seen change for the worse, nothing more.
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Yeah...no email. Just excuses about why not--he said I didn't talk to him much yesterday so he didn't think it was important to me (yeah, right) and a claim that he "started" to write one (suuuure...) but then I ruined "the mood" by telling him I was sad about him not following through--according to him, this was MEAN of me, and he said if he finished the email now, it would end up a fight. EXCUSES. He ended up pissed off because I had the gall to tell him that I don't really feel very important to him and I hear his words of I love you, I miss you, I wish things were different, but there is no action. I also told him I was not talking anymore about this and when he feels he can deal with me, US, and my reasonable and understandable feelings, he can let me know. I wasn't trying to be a brat, I mean it. No matter what I say, it's wrong. No matter how I say it. I need to detach.
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