It does work. I end up feeling bad for being whatever it is I am being--pissed off, accusing, "interrogating", discouraging...you all know.
Yeah...about the IV Dilaudid. I am very aware that once you start shooting, you can't possibly get the same effect from oral use. In my codependency sickness, I have read pages and pages of info on opiates, Dilaudid, IV use, from addicts, from doctors, from people dealing with addicts, etc and so on and on again. Of course, he tells me that he isn't doing any of this to get high. I know he is kidding himself to think that he can do this tapering thing without any kind of anything else. And I am kidding myself if I think this has a chance of getting better any time in the near future.
He isn't honest with his doctors and I'm sure he isn't honest with me ABOUT the doctors. I wouldn't be surprised if he was in some kind of trouble with pain management and that's why they are splitting up his scripts and having him in for counts.
Today he must have felt bad about the way he was treating me last night. As I said, he went off the deep end a bit--angry, defensive--because I dared say it seemed that he was overtaking his meds again--"off the plan". I've spent a lot of time writing to him about my thoughts and feelings, knowing it gets me nowhere at this point. He rarely even addresses anything I say. Today, he said he was going to take some time and do his best to write back to me, to respond to what I've said, and to tell me his feelings. It's 11pm. I've gotten nothing. Am I surprised? No. I just hope this can be a real turning point for me. I've been crying the same tears since forever now and I've seen change for the worse, nothing more.