I guess I lied because that was my defense mechanism. It just came natural. Towards the end she knew my patterns so well she could see the relapse coming. I would have small changes in my demeanor and she would ask me if I was doing okay and she was worried and I would say I was fine even though I had already arranged to get drugs. Once it was obvious I was using I would say okay you are right. I just can't stop. I am so screwed. I was very hopeless and meant it (I think - haha). Not trying to make jokes.
It was not 7 years of hell by the way. There would be periods of sobriety and things started to get better. We had two more kids during this time so obviously something was going right. I just kept falling back into it. Today I ask myself what were you thinking? Why did you keep going back to it. I guess I just was not good at dealing with life. I was like a big kid. Times would get tough and my initial reaction was to get high. It took a long time to be able to work through that. I know I have a long way to go, but am hopeful today.
Dilaudid (hydromorphone) and extended release hydromorphone. Definitlely a favorite for addicts. Much better IV too - makes sense. I have tried every opiate out there I think. Actually a tad stronger than heroin, but how much you are using makes a big difference too. Well I hope whatever consequences he needs to face he faces and finds recovery.
Do I get angry that she doesn't trust me? Obviously I have no reason to based on my track record. I guess it is more of a sadness. I want her to trust me and it makes me sad for her that she can't but she has every right. I think as long as I keep doing the next right thing it will keep getting better and that is all I can really ask for.