Thank you guys for the responses. I woke up today feeling a little better, but not really.
Rob--I said boyfriend/ex-boyfriend because I don't even know half the time what this is anymore. And you are right about everything you said. It's not healthy at all. We have good days and then we are right back to this. I can't even believe I have stayed clean through the past 7 or so weeks that it's been for me. I guess I'm lucky to not have tried harder drugs.
I also get the impression that he is not near a place where sobriety is his priority. He even acts/talks as though since he has been to rehab a few times already, he KNOWS what will work for him and this "cutting down over a few months with the help of other non-narcotic drugs" is the best plan. Without meetings, without therapy, without anything else changing.
Marcus--it's funny you mention spider bites because a week before the infection got bad he had two lumps on one hand and one on the other--all swelled up. He got in my car when I went to pick him up and pointed them out saying, "Before you notice and think anything bad, I want to show you these." Spider bites. There were no signs of actual bites--the usual two puncture marks. And I think he absolutely reuses needles too much. I've found pieces of sandpaper that look as though they were used to sharpen them, but that was denied too. He has given me all sorts of explanations for things that sound plausible on the face of them but are also standard for opiate addicts--"I bumped my head and that's why I seem so messed up." "My medications affect me differently at different times." "I was in the bathroom so many times for so long because I'm constipated, THANKS for embarrassing me though." "Those pills got WET, I didn't SCRAPE them!" "My pill bottle must have opened up in my pocket and some of them fell out." "I think my friend may have taken some when I was in the bathroom." "I'm sick because the pastrami was bad, not because of my pills!" "The needle was broken! I didn't even use it!" I could go on...
Katie--I think you're right as well. I seem to know these things in my rational mind, but can't follow through with them because of my own issues. My own fears. I worry, what if he finds someone else? What if it's over for good? If it stays this way wouldn't I want to be free of this??
Part of MY issue now is that because of who I am, what I've been through in my life before him AND with him, I have not always reacted in any way that would be considered healthy or productive. The lies and him ditching me to live where he is and the constant stress and broken promises have left me resentful and scared. I've gotten very angry. I say things in the worst way possible. I don't say anything not true, but I am biting and I've been called vicious. Since I have so much I can blame myself for, it's easy for him to blame me and for me to end up thinking it is my fault.
I don't know how I can KNOW sometimes what I need to do, what would be healthy, and what will certainly lead to more misery, and then I can't act on it.
