scott

Had my first EMDR session today. WOW! Talk about crazy intense. That was really hard to do. I'm still worked up now two hours after the end of the appointment. They gave me some xanax (0.25-0.5) to take because the treatment is supposed to make your flashbacks and nightmares increase in intensity and frequency for a while. My hands are still shaking right now. For those following along who don't know why I'm doing this I will just say that I was sexually abused as a child for several years before it stopped and I have had flashbacks about this for almost a decade before now finally seeking some treatment. I'm 24 now. I don't feel any better or any worse right now, just really really worked up and feeling pretty violent for a want to get revenge. I thought I would try to cool down naturally taking a shower and sitting in the dark doing some heavy breathing, being by myself but it's not working so far so I'm going to leave now to go get my script from the pharmacy. For others seeking this treatment or thinking about it let me tell you that intense doesn't really even give justice to how it was. They made me sign a waiver that I wouldn't sue them because it is so intense. Will update every so many days on how I feel. Any input from those who have been through this and they're feelings would be appreciated. I feel emotionally exhausted. Later.

readyforhelp

Scott,
You should be so proud of yourself. I understand every word you wrote. It will get better, it will empower you, and you will start to think differently. You sound like you're being thoughtful of ways to handle your reactions to this. Good. It is exhausting and disturbing but well worth the trip, my friend. Good for you!

GailJ

I'm not sure I could handle EMDR my recall came out on it's own. Makes your emotions so all over the place. Anger, sadness, regret, greiving for yourself, want for justice. Want to attack. Cycles upon cycles upon cycles.
Are they giving you any ativan's(lorazepam) or seroqquel to help you cope with these feircely intense emotions.
I feel for you Scott, Mine startes a 3yrs old. Memories burried so deep untill I hit 30 or so . And people say you can't remember being 3. I definetly think people like us are different this way. We still carry that person within us. That is what the inner child is.
Be really kind to yourself the next couple days. Take all the rest you need.
You can PM me if you want I'll be around till the 4th trying to pull my current crap together, then I get to handle working again from 9 till 7 Easter time. I work at at a major worldwide poultry producing plant. We should be at around 20,000 turkeys a day right now. No wonder work is pissed I'm off, they miss me when I'm gone.
Where are you in Texas, I lived in Panama City Fla for a year. Close to the pan handle at all just curious.

scott

I was given a low dose of xanax. The instructions say to take a tablet twice daily however I don't follow this direction and only take them as needed. My last script lasted a month and a half so it's definitely not an every day thing. I'm too scared of getting stuck on something else. I'm off suboxone now too so i've noticed my emotions seem more real. I had 5 flashbacks in the past hour so when the xanax kicks in they should go away. I made some pizza for some comfort food and plan on being a television zombie for the rest of the evening. Homework can wait until tomorrow.

GailJ

Funny, I was just thinking, no matter how the day goes you must eat before you sleep.
I'm making sure to eat as I guzzled my 6pack and puked up three of them.
Sorry for the gross details.
Imagine I was between 12 and 28 only a year ago and posting on here drunk.
Anyway I am glad you are recognizing how important those meds are.
The side effects getting used to them are hard yes. But in the long run well worth it.

Definately (gulp) ask your doc if you can be put on something to help you sleep. Cycling thoughts(gulps food) and sleep deprevation. are a major concern

I like the seroquels cause they don't build up in my system and I can sleep more than 2 hrs a night on them.

2 25mg's knocks me right out and unlees you know what sleep dep does to you, emo and phys I don't think you would understand.

The other thing I like about the seroquels is they are an eight hour then out of your system effect.

Hope this helps, food is yummy then sleeping. talk tomorrow from Ontario time.

scott

I had nightmares last night but they were no different than usual. Just happens where I wake up and throw myself into a sitting position almost like I'm getting ready to run away from my dream, then I almost get a little scared about going back to sleep. Although I was super tired from yesterday so I went back to sleep after about an hour and got up around 6:00a like usual. All through the morning I had ruminating thoughts about images from the EMDR treatment yesterday. It eventually got me pretty worked up and anxious to the point where I started having loose stools pretty frequently. Took 1 xanax and have been feeling much better now. The flashbacks cease completely when I take xanax. Up until now I think I only had maybe 7 or 8 flashbacks today and that is a VERY good day in my book.

I have been told it gets worse for about 2-3 weeks before it starts letting up and getting better. Thanks for everybody's kind words. Thanks Gail!

historyteach

Hey, Scott,
It's wonderful to hear that you're starting the treatment and that you're doing ok.
Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.
And I look forward to hearing more about it.
It's very interesting!
Thanks for sharing.

Shalom!

scott

Well folks, it's been a long couple of days. I went on a small mini-vacation with my mom, dad, and brother to go up to Kansas City and go the Legends complex and visit Cabelas where I got a new duck call and a nice pair of 1600 gram thinsulate duck hunting waders. Duck hunting is my passion that is one of the reasons that keeps me clean and is part of my happy place that they use for EMDR.

Back on track...I have been taking two 0.5mg Xanax tablets a day. I have been having coverage problems with this only lasting about 4-5 hrs per dose. They only gave me 15 tablets at my last appointment and those will be gone before my next appointment this Friday. Does anyone have any experience with coverage issues on their anxiety medication? I'm thinking of asking the doctor to maybe be switched to Xanax XR or Klonipin or maybe I just need an increase on my original xanax script. Either way, I'm having issues. This really sucks to be having 20+ flashbacks per day and not sleeping hardly at all. I wake up in panic attacks at night and even wake up in the morning shaking. My parents are really worried about what this is doing to me physically with the panic attacks, hypertension, shallow breathing sometime, and tightness in my chest. The meds just don't last and when they're not working, I'm an absolute mess. I was told it would get worse before it gets better but wow. I guess I'm just kind of in a daze right now, just watching the world go by praying for some relief from this constant state of anxiousness. Prayers would be appreciated as this is close to the roughest time i've had in a long time. Holding school together while going through this is really wearing on me. Thanks to all who have said your kind words, they carried me through this weekend while i was out and about.

Freedom1990

I have no advice to offer you, Scott, but just wanted you to know I keep you in my prayers. :ghug

readyforhelp

Scott,

When is your next EMDR treatment? Do you do any breath work?

I'm praying for you.

scott

Yeah, I do this relaxation technique where I go sit in my parents basement in my favorite recliner, turn the lights out, put one of those relaxation CD's that makes wave noise like in the bahamas or something in the surround sound system, light my woodwick rum raisin candle (amazing btw) and do some deep breathing. I try to do this for 30-45 mins every day but my schedule sometimes doesn't always allow for this much free time. This is my time that really helps get me through that last 1/3 of the day from like 5-10 or 11.

My problem is these damned flashbacks. It's where everything goes away and like reliving the incident all over again. Sometimes it's happening to me and sometimes it's like watching from a third person POV or like watching on a movie screen. Then, suddenly I have like a muscle jerk reaction, sometimes release an uncontrollable string of curse words almost uncontrollably. I have to catch myself with the whole language thing a lot cause when I think about it it really just hurts. I don't know how to describe it really but that's the best I can do I guess. I really feel for others who have this kind of anxiety disorder cause it sucks so bad. All those soldiers returning that have this is crazy. It's no way to live and I'm beginning to wonder about the effects this stress is having on me physically with my heart and BP. I want to tough it out so bad but it just doesn't seem to be doing much for me so far.

My next appointment is Friday then DIRECTLY after the appointment I go and see my ARNP who manages my meds so she can see the state I'm in after an EMDR session. When I get out of that session I'm just a ball of nerves waiting to explode on somebody or something. I'm beginning to wonder if I should be having someone drive me to and from these appointments.

All this stuff is really personal to me and I really don't like sharing my feelings to others but the only reason I keep updating about this treatment is so that maybe it can help someone who is on the fence.

I've been promised that these symptoms get worse and then get better and eventually recede after about 4-5 treatments though so I can hardly wait.

Thanks for your prayers and support everybody. I love you guys here at SR!:ghug3

readyforhelp

You are definitely contributing to the greater good by posting. A lot of people don't understand it, sometimes not even the ones with the diagnosis. Thank you!

Attyma

Is the rapid eye movement treatment? What is the full name, I'd like to look it up. Hang in there, Attyma

scott

EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing

Click Here:

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

scott

Another session is scheduled for tomorrow. I'm beginning to second guess whether or not this stuff is really good for me. It is not only mentally wearing on me but is physically taxing as well. I got a great compliment this afternoon about how pale I look, that I'm always edgy, and that I look angry all the time. I followed the directions on my xanax prescription to the letter and now I'm out again. I think my ARNP only gives you 15 pills per month. I'm bringing this up at the appointment tomorrow that I'm having coverage issues with my anxiolytic. I think this is due to being on suboxone before and that magnifying the effects of the xanax. Now I'm off the suboxone and the effects of the benzodiazepine is negated.

I have been keeping busy so as to not ruminate constantly on negative thoughts. Been doing a lot of spring cleaning and getting ready to do some minor to moderate landscaping (just got back from Home Depot). I feel like emotionally exhausted but am anxious for the ARNP to see how intense these treatments are tomorrow and how they affect me. I will have a "med adjustment appointment" directly after my EMDR session. I guess just wish me luck people. I will try to update tomorrow. Please pray that I will get my meds where they need to be in order for this treatment to be fully effective. Thanks.

readyforhelp

scott,

I am praying for you. You have to plow through this. It WILL heal. It will.

GailJ

Sorry Scott meant to post you day before yesterday, but Easter is a killer as all holiday's for me.

I'm flashbacking like crazy...................................Ha Ha like now. After 15 yrs recall.
Ugggg. Chronic PTSD is such a mind mess. I wanted to support you but I couldn't find the words.

I'm fine will deal over the weekend.

Have you talked to doc about sleep.

NeedingHelp7

Scott now that I come back and read your thread, I think this was done to me at therapy yesterday also. I began shaking and having flashbacks of fears during therapy, and I was shaking. I have no idea what kind of therapy she was doing on me, but this happened to me also. My mind and body were exhausted for the rest of the day and into today.

Even though it was so intense, I do believe it's gonna help. I'm not giving up.

NH7

scott

Thanks for the kind words and prayers guys. It is SO MUCH appreciated. They must have worked because I got a lot out of me....and....got a lot out of therapy (if that makes sense to y'all). I am thinking about and tossing around the idea of confronting the individual that was involved in my childhood sexual abuse. He is a relative of the family and there could be a lot of fallout from it but I think it would be very therapeutic for me and help me in my quest to conquer my PTSD.

GailJ, readyforhelp, and needinghelp7 thank you for your support. I know it's a lot about toughing this out and getting through these therapy sessions. Today's session was much easier I guess because I knew what to expect more and wasn't so surprised. I am out of xanax again. They gave me 15 tabs I think 9 days ago and the directions were to take 1 tablet twice daily (0.5mg) so i followed the directions but now wish I had some more. I was scared to ask for more today although it did come up with my ARNP who manages my medication that IF my anxiety gets well out of hand that I can take something everyday for anxiety but that it will make the therapy progress slower. I chose to make the therapy progress faster by not taking anything (in my head) but I guess I do have the option of just picking up the phone if my anxiety gets out of hand. Lets just hope that doesn't happen this weekend with Easter and I'm sure...increased amount of flashbacks. In which case she did recommend either Klonipin 1mg or Xanax XR 1mg. It's nice to know that support like that is only a phone call away. I'm very fortunate to have such a compassionate ARNP medication manager at my clinic. I'm hoping then that by not taking a benzodiazepine for the anxiety that I've been having that the therapy will be more effective FASTER. instead of more effective slower AND having to be on a possibly addicting medication although that is just me and I encourage others to only do what they are comfortable with. The therapy is there for us to benefit from and you have to be ACTIVE in your care in order to get the most out of it and to get well.

On that note....I think it's supper time and I made a roast yesterday and leftovers are calling me. Discussion is open in this thread so post any questions you might have or just a general discussion on PTSD is welcome. The more we know about our illness the less power it has over us. Thanks for listening.

Oh yeah! forgot to add about Gails question about sleep. I was told by my therapist at the same time she was telling me about taking anxiety medication that nightmares and trouble sleeping are expected from the first appointment until about the third appointment. I forgot to tell my ARNP about my sleeping problems in fear that she would take me off of my Vyvanse which I take for my ADD-inattentive. It has REALLY helped with my depression, social anxiety, school, impulsivity, and just all around wellness that I really didn't want to cut it out of my routine. I can deal with little sleep as I am young (24). I do try to get my 8hrs regardless but most of the time it's 6-7 hrs. My problem is that usually I wake up 3-5 times per night. Last night I woke up 4 times at midnight, 12:30a, 4:15a, and sometime around 4:45 roughly. I was told the vyvanse would help by wearing me out through the day but so far it has not. I do have trazadone though in case things get bad but so far it is fairly tolerable. In fact, I may experiment with a 25mg tab of trazadone tonight just in case because I have been feeling a little fatigued. The last time I took it I was on Invega and the two mixed together caused me to feel pretty drunk 24/7. I was on 100mg of trazadone and 12mg of Invega then which is a lot of tranquilizer for myself as far as I'm concerned. I might try that tonight and update tomorrow. Thanks for your concern and I will pray for you as well as you deal with this Easter time. I wish we could hang out over the weekend and be a support for each other plus I would love for you to come to my church and hear an Easter message.

scott

If you can remember were you watching a screen with a light moving back and forth or in circles etc. Or are you referring to some type of hypnosis therapy? Can I ask if your therapy was effective and what it was for? You of course don't have to say if you don't want to. Thanks.