I feel like my own worst enemy
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I feel like my own worst enemy
Stress at work. I’ve always been able to handle stressful situations at work, why not Monday night? I was nearly in tears when an unexpected thing came up, throwing me into panic mode as I frantically tried to get reports ready for a Tuesday meeting that I had half an hour to prepare for and I didn’t know what the heck the reports were about. I admit that I’ve been distracted lately. But, they might as well have been in Greek. I was so lost!
Christin doesn’t crumble under pressure... she may pray frantically, even feeling as though the world is collapsing... but she doesn’t crumble. I was crumbling. It was as if all my coping mechanisms had suddenly disappeared.
So, what do I do? What else? I know that it won’t make the reports make any more sense to me (I’d say that it would make them make less sense, but that just wasn’t possible) but at least I wouldn’t feel so frantic about it. Of course, I discovered a little later that I’m not expected to understand those specific reports, they don’t apply to my department (would have been nice if the powers-that-by had included that little detail in the email). Anyway, what’s done is done, water over the dam, under the bridge, or wherever water goes in such situations.
But, if that’s the case, if done is done, why did I take more just a few hours later while shopping. I had been good almost the whole day. There was no stress, no panic, only me wanting to feel pleasantly numb all over again for no good reason at all. So, I sit here hours afterward and I wonder – why the heck am I jumping through hoops to get to meetings? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m giving myself emotional whiplash here. Do I care or don’t I? All day, I did and in a fraction of a moment I didn’t. Tonight I do, but I’m too depressed to think that it really matters. Tomorrow... who knows. I'll post this and it’ll probably just all start over again.
I fight with myself that I need to toss the pills, but that’s not happening and I know it. In fact, I keep denying the fact that they will run out, even though I know that they will. I pretend that I’ll fix me before they’re gone, even though I’m scared to death that I can’t. In reality, all I can do is hope that when the inevitable comes another bottle will drop out of the sky and buy me just a little more time.
Christin doesn’t crumble under pressure... she may pray frantically, even feeling as though the world is collapsing... but she doesn’t crumble. I was crumbling. It was as if all my coping mechanisms had suddenly disappeared.
So, what do I do? What else? I know that it won’t make the reports make any more sense to me (I’d say that it would make them make less sense, but that just wasn’t possible) but at least I wouldn’t feel so frantic about it. Of course, I discovered a little later that I’m not expected to understand those specific reports, they don’t apply to my department (would have been nice if the powers-that-by had included that little detail in the email). Anyway, what’s done is done, water over the dam, under the bridge, or wherever water goes in such situations.
But, if that’s the case, if done is done, why did I take more just a few hours later while shopping. I had been good almost the whole day. There was no stress, no panic, only me wanting to feel pleasantly numb all over again for no good reason at all. So, I sit here hours afterward and I wonder – why the heck am I jumping through hoops to get to meetings? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m giving myself emotional whiplash here. Do I care or don’t I? All day, I did and in a fraction of a moment I didn’t. Tonight I do, but I’m too depressed to think that it really matters. Tomorrow... who knows. I'll post this and it’ll probably just all start over again.
I fight with myself that I need to toss the pills, but that’s not happening and I know it. In fact, I keep denying the fact that they will run out, even though I know that they will. I pretend that I’ll fix me before they’re gone, even though I’m scared to death that I can’t. In reality, all I can do is hope that when the inevitable comes another bottle will drop out of the sky and buy me just a little more time.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pike Road, Alabama
Posts: 13
Oh sweetie, I don't know what to tell you other than "stress" is a horrible thing to an addict. It gives you an excuse to reach for that bottle of pills or in my case in the past that needle. You're right it can buy you just a little bit more time but it's that time that you don't really need because it makes the addiction even stronger. Is it actually the fact that the reports didn't make sense to you or that your concentration was actually focused on one thing, the pills? Who really knows the inner turmoil that an addict goes through but another addict. You don't want to use, you tell yourself that your not going to and then you do for no reason. It's the addiction working on your mind as well as your body. Don't be your own enemy here, be good to yourself. Take one day at time, one moment at a time. Be blessed sweet thing.
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Originally Posted by lostbutterfly 
Were you an addict 20 years ago, or did you just party on drugs? I was just wondering if this was a relapse for you, or unchartered territory.
Totally new. Just partied -- never even my own stuff! That's why I don't understand it. Alcohol was a problem. I admit that. Could never really control it. Like I've said before --THAT'S in the genes, I swear! I always thought that I could control the drugs - but maybe that was because they were never mine and the supply was always limited. But, again... we're not talking anything big -- pot, VERY little coke, and inhalants when I was a teen. But, I've always felt drawn to opiates. Don't know why. Used to be tempted by great grandfather's liquid morphine. Go figure! I was like twelve or thirteen at the time. Never did it though. He was in extreme pain -- liver cancer.
Lost... why don't I stop? I'm having a "I think it's because I'm really crazy" day. It all seems so incredibly insane. I see it. I know it. But, I can't seem to stop it. If it's not me being crazy, I'm afraid that it will lead me there.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Christin what you are going through right now is completely normal for an addict. It is the mini-me inside your head that you go back and forth with all day long, reasoning with it. I would be at work, I worked in an office and the bathroom was right across the hall. I would get to work in the morning and 10 minutes later, bathroom break (it was a one person bathroom). I would tell myself that I had to wait until after lunch to do my next line because I was broke and couldn't afford the crap to begin with so in my head I would try to make it last.
Next thing I knew it was lunch time, I blew through the to 80's I had brought to work with me and now I am taking an extended lunch so I can go pick up some more. When I was a teenager I would get high to get "wasted" or whatever you want to call it. But my addiction to oc's in my late teens going into my mid twenties was all about just making me happy enough that I could find joy in my family, in the little things, and get on with my every day life without anyone suspecting something was wrong.
So even during the day at work, I wasn't doing lines to get blitzed, I just kept doing them because of whatever reason I conjured up in my head. It's the darn mini-me that will talk and talk and talk and it will not give up until you say, alright, I'm gonna just take a few more or I'm just gonna do two more lines and that's it until I get out of work.
Only an addict can even begin to understand the mental turmoil that we put ourselves through. It is really like having multiple personalities, all day long you will be so adamant about not using. You don't even realize when you start to rationalize just using once, then you pop a few pills, the next thing you are thinking is what the f^&& happened? I didn't use all day and then out of nowhere I just said screw it?!
I still don't understand all of it, just try, try, try to preoccupy your mind when you start to panic or get stressed, or have a calming method in place for when this happens. Deep breathing, walking, listening to music, typing, running, the list goes on and on, you will find something that works for you. It takes time. Unfortunately but if you are going to do it right you need it to take time so that you can get it right this time. Give yourself room to breathe. Do you have any vacation time from work?
Work was my downfall because I used that as an excuse to not stop using, I couldn't take time off, and I couldn't function at work without my drugs. So I went on and on and on for years until it became so bad that I quit my job and finally stopped using. I had that same anxiety and fear where I could not be in public without drugs heck I couldn't go grocery shopping without using because someone may stop and talk to me. I couldn't handle it sober, didn't know how to. I am learning, just like you will. Keep going to the meetings, almost every addict has their relapses and errors in judgment , the important thing is to know how you messed up, what triggered you to mess up, and learn how you can deal with it next time so you don't do it again.
Next thing I knew it was lunch time, I blew through the to 80's I had brought to work with me and now I am taking an extended lunch so I can go pick up some more. When I was a teenager I would get high to get "wasted" or whatever you want to call it. But my addiction to oc's in my late teens going into my mid twenties was all about just making me happy enough that I could find joy in my family, in the little things, and get on with my every day life without anyone suspecting something was wrong.
So even during the day at work, I wasn't doing lines to get blitzed, I just kept doing them because of whatever reason I conjured up in my head. It's the darn mini-me that will talk and talk and talk and it will not give up until you say, alright, I'm gonna just take a few more or I'm just gonna do two more lines and that's it until I get out of work.
Only an addict can even begin to understand the mental turmoil that we put ourselves through. It is really like having multiple personalities, all day long you will be so adamant about not using. You don't even realize when you start to rationalize just using once, then you pop a few pills, the next thing you are thinking is what the f^&& happened? I didn't use all day and then out of nowhere I just said screw it?!
I still don't understand all of it, just try, try, try to preoccupy your mind when you start to panic or get stressed, or have a calming method in place for when this happens. Deep breathing, walking, listening to music, typing, running, the list goes on and on, you will find something that works for you. It takes time. Unfortunately but if you are going to do it right you need it to take time so that you can get it right this time. Give yourself room to breathe. Do you have any vacation time from work?
Work was my downfall because I used that as an excuse to not stop using, I couldn't take time off, and I couldn't function at work without my drugs. So I went on and on and on for years until it became so bad that I quit my job and finally stopped using. I had that same anxiety and fear where I could not be in public without drugs heck I couldn't go grocery shopping without using because someone may stop and talk to me. I couldn't handle it sober, didn't know how to. I am learning, just like you will. Keep going to the meetings, almost every addict has their relapses and errors in judgment , the important thing is to know how you messed up, what triggered you to mess up, and learn how you can deal with it next time so you don't do it again.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
There is a 'good reason', it's called psychological addiction. And if you keep taking these pills, soon it's going to be physical addiction. And if you sorta vaguely feel like you're in some trouble now, wait until THAT part starts to kick in. The reason you need to get to meetings it to try to make yourself 'care'. You need to be around the stories you're going to hear in those rooms, you need to KNOW where you're headed if you keep this up.
Look, I know myself, very well, how hard it is to make a break from this stuff in the early on. You know, the point in time when you recognize the problem, but nothing really bad has actually happened yet? All of us on here who got taken down hard by this disease remember that time, we remember being where you are right now. And most of us remember being pretty dang sure that we were gonna get a handle on this situation BEFORE the bad sh*t happened ... and then ... we didn't.
And most of us wish we had. Before the lying, the stealing, the losing of friends, homes, and jobs, the phone calls from bill collectors and the tax man, the alienation of our family members, the screwing up of our childrens lives, the jails, the rehabs, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, none of us thought that was where we were headed. We wouldn't have believed it if you told us.
But that IS where this problem leads, Christin my friend. And it is like a train barrelling down a friggin hill, gathering momentum every time you use, sinking it's claws in deeper ... making you 'not care anymore' ... turning you into an unthinking automaton, a slave. The biggest mistake most of us ever made was underestimation of the force we were dealing with. I hope you don't make that same mistake ...
Look, I know myself, very well, how hard it is to make a break from this stuff in the early on. You know, the point in time when you recognize the problem, but nothing really bad has actually happened yet? All of us on here who got taken down hard by this disease remember that time, we remember being where you are right now. And most of us remember being pretty dang sure that we were gonna get a handle on this situation BEFORE the bad sh*t happened ... and then ... we didn't.
And most of us wish we had. Before the lying, the stealing, the losing of friends, homes, and jobs, the phone calls from bill collectors and the tax man, the alienation of our family members, the screwing up of our childrens lives, the jails, the rehabs, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, none of us thought that was where we were headed. We wouldn't have believed it if you told us.
But that IS where this problem leads, Christin my friend. And it is like a train barrelling down a friggin hill, gathering momentum every time you use, sinking it's claws in deeper ... making you 'not care anymore' ... turning you into an unthinking automaton, a slave. The biggest mistake most of us ever made was underestimation of the force we were dealing with. I hope you don't make that same mistake ...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Hey Mads, have I ever told you how EXACTLY your story matches mine (apart from my being older when the stuff all happened)? It really trips me out sometimes, I gotta tell ya 
Sniffin' 80's in the bathroom at work, then the long lunchbreak to get more ... yah, that was me! That is too funny ... or ... maybe not ...
So, I just gotta ask ... did you also have checks in at like 5 different check cashing companies around town at any given time, like I did for awhile there?
Sniffin' 80's in the bathroom at work, then the long lunchbreak to get more ... yah, that was me! That is too funny ... or ... maybe not ...So, I just gotta ask ... did you also have checks in at like 5 different check cashing companies around town at any given time, like I did for awhile there?
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
I thought I was the only person who did pills at work before I met you guys! And the bummer is, I'm better at my job when I'm not quite in touch with reality.
I don't get stressed, I don't get tired, I don't get bored, I have all the patience in the world with our infuriating customers who really shouldn't be in charge of a business at all!! My boss doesn't drive me ape-sh*t!
((Christin)) what can I say? I'm as bad as you. I get off these things and as soon as there is a sniff of anything going awry, I run to them again.
I can't believe they sucked me back in so quick. Fck it!
I don't get stressed, I don't get tired, I don't get bored, I have all the patience in the world with our infuriating customers who really shouldn't be in charge of a business at all!! My boss doesn't drive me ape-sh*t!
((Christin)) what can I say? I'm as bad as you. I get off these things and as soon as there is a sniff of anything going awry, I run to them again.
I can't believe they sucked me back in so quick. Fck it!
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Originally Posted by madriley
I still don't understand all of it, just try, try, try to preoccupy your mind
Do you have any vacation time from work?
Do you have any vacation time from work?
The first will have to work because the second is not an option. It's funny though because I was just showering for work (don't need to be there until this afternoon) and I was thinking, "Please, just stop everything. I need to get off." I feel so drained today. But, everything can't be stopped and I must stay on while I get this thing righted.
And... you shouldn't be so nice to me.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
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Christin, I don't think anyone needs to tell you that if you keep chasing this thing, eventually, it won't matter if you can or can't make time to deal with it. If you want real, concrete reasons to stop, I'm sure you'll find them somewhere around the corner.
It might not seem real to you now, and it may not happen for awhile. You could go on like this for years, hiding it and scheming to keep from running out. Eventually, the externals will become less and less manageable. Then, either voluntarily or against all wishes that things were otherwise, you'll have to deal with yourself.
And why shouldn't madriley or anyone else be nice to you? We can relate to what you're saying. We have found our common ground. None of us wish to see you suffer any more than you already have, Christin. We just want to help.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It might not seem real to you now, and it may not happen for awhile. You could go on like this for years, hiding it and scheming to keep from running out. Eventually, the externals will become less and less manageable. Then, either voluntarily or against all wishes that things were otherwise, you'll have to deal with yourself.
And why shouldn't madriley or anyone else be nice to you? We can relate to what you're saying. We have found our common ground. None of us wish to see you suffer any more than you already have, Christin. We just want to help.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Thank you everyone. I've been debating not posting for a while and staying away from SR. I can't help but feel as if I have got to be getting on peoples' nerves. God knows that I'm getting on my own.
Today I was thinking that maybe I'm trying to avoid the inevitable and everything is pointless. Maybe it's actually impossible for an addict to hate their drug unless it screws their life so royally that they no longer want anything to do with it. Then, I wonder which part of Chistin is actually saying this. It's getting harder to differentiate what I'm thinking.
Visited my dad and knew that if I had a minute alone with his script, he was going to be "sharing." I was glad that the opportunity didn't arise. I feel less like a piece of sh*t tonight. Again, we had a great time together (him, my husband, and my son). It brings him so much joy. Then, at one point it was as if his meds were all that was on my mind and the joy ebbed away. For the first time, I wished that I could tell these guys sitting at the table with me what was going on in my head and know that it would be okay. You will just have to accept my word that it never would be.
Anyway, I've told my boss I will be an hour late for work tomorrow (so that I can attend an NA meeting). I have taken nothing today but I don't even feel really happy about that. Maybe, it'll be different in the morning.
Thanks for the encouragement. I kept all your words close to me today.
And Sugah... I don't know why I said that to Madriley. I guess that's just the way that I feel.
Today I was thinking that maybe I'm trying to avoid the inevitable and everything is pointless. Maybe it's actually impossible for an addict to hate their drug unless it screws their life so royally that they no longer want anything to do with it. Then, I wonder which part of Chistin is actually saying this. It's getting harder to differentiate what I'm thinking.
Visited my dad and knew that if I had a minute alone with his script, he was going to be "sharing." I was glad that the opportunity didn't arise. I feel less like a piece of sh*t tonight. Again, we had a great time together (him, my husband, and my son). It brings him so much joy. Then, at one point it was as if his meds were all that was on my mind and the joy ebbed away. For the first time, I wished that I could tell these guys sitting at the table with me what was going on in my head and know that it would be okay. You will just have to accept my word that it never would be.
Anyway, I've told my boss I will be an hour late for work tomorrow (so that I can attend an NA meeting). I have taken nothing today but I don't even feel really happy about that. Maybe, it'll be different in the morning.
Thanks for the encouragement. I kept all your words close to me today.
And Sugah... I don't know why I said that to Madriley. I guess that's just the way that I feel.
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Christin, believe me, every time I jump into a thread to try to help someone make an early break, I do so KNOWING that helping this person is not likely to be a quickly 'fruitful' endeavour. Experience tells me that the majority of people are gonna end up having to sink to the depths of a rocky-bottom before they 'get it' ... but my awareness of this likelihood ... it's not going to stop me from TRYING to divert them from this path if I can ...
And like Anvil said, this whole thing ... it is SUCH a vicious-cycle type of phenomenon, and these drugs ... they are just ... BIGGER and more all around badass than we mere mortals are. We *think* we're stronger, or at least that we SHOULD be stronger than opioids ... but we're not ... usually not until we really reach the point where the drugs aren't working anymore, we are feeling hopelessly enslaved, we've begun to honestly sense we've lost everything (or damn near), and we start to honestly fear for our lives.
And if I can get just ONE person to avoid that fate, the road I walked down, I'm willing to sit and talk with them til I'm blue in the face. It's called trying to give back what I've been freely given.
So even don't trip, and don't leave, okay? You aren't even beginning to get on our nerves, trust me
Heck you should go read the thread called 'the journey of lady tenn' sometime (volumes I -XXXIII or however high it got), if you want to see the lengths that we're willing to go around here for people who are just wanting to want to get clean, but can't figure out how to do it. Or you could look up threads threads involving Chiynita, or Whiskerkissed, or ... lots of others.
And like Anvil said, this whole thing ... it is SUCH a vicious-cycle type of phenomenon, and these drugs ... they are just ... BIGGER and more all around badass than we mere mortals are. We *think* we're stronger, or at least that we SHOULD be stronger than opioids ... but we're not ... usually not until we really reach the point where the drugs aren't working anymore, we are feeling hopelessly enslaved, we've begun to honestly sense we've lost everything (or damn near), and we start to honestly fear for our lives.
And if I can get just ONE person to avoid that fate, the road I walked down, I'm willing to sit and talk with them til I'm blue in the face. It's called trying to give back what I've been freely given.
So even don't trip, and don't leave, okay? You aren't even beginning to get on our nerves, trust me
Heck you should go read the thread called 'the journey of lady tenn' sometime (volumes I -XXXIII or however high it got), if you want to see the lengths that we're willing to go around here for people who are just wanting to want to get clean, but can't figure out how to do it. Or you could look up threads threads involving Chiynita, or Whiskerkissed, or ... lots of others.
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Don't go Christin. You are in the right place. And well done for going back to NA. Those people have a lot to teach us about living without chemicals.
Altho I do believe some people are harder to teach than others (I'm not referring to you, lol!)
And if you can't come back for yourself, come back because helping you will help the clean peeps on here stay clean!
Altho I do believe some people are harder to teach than others (I'm not referring to you, lol!)
And if you can't come back for yourself, come back because helping you will help the clean peeps on here stay clean!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey there if I wasn't my own worst enemy I wouldn't need to be here. I need my friends here who embrace and heal my enemy.....let us do the same for you.
I think I will give you permission to put the stick down that you are using to beat yourself up with.
I think I will give you permission to put the stick down that you are using to beat yourself up with.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
It's people like you who help to keep me clean. Everytime I read a post like this my resolve increases, to stay clean. Please keep posting, every word is sinking in to my brain these days and your words as well as the others play over and over in my head, especially when I know I have a doctors appt. the next day or am going to be at a "friends" home. Thank you!
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
WOW...It's amazing all this love people on this thread are showing.Christin,I don't want to put you down but I know that no matter what all the world says no addict is going to give up on his drug unless he's ready to do that.It may take him/her days,years and some yet never even make it.Addiction is so cunning that we always find perfect excuses to use. How else would you explain the fact that we always find an excuse to use though using would mean loosing our jobs and families.I started posting here when I was young and lost.People here poured all their love and experience but I was not ready to give up on drugs.They told me that drugs would put me in bad situation but nevertheless I test what they said and ended up with the same results.That's pure madness and insanity.Now I'm sick of pills and don't want to move to other stuff so I know I have no choice but to quit.I'm on subutex and I plan to stay on it on low doses till I'm ready to face life.I don't want to mess my life anymore.I'm sick of all the troubles I put myself in.At last I'm living in some kind of peace.You don't have to go to that length to know that drugs are bad and in the minimum can and will destroy your life ,if not kill you.You can choose to stop now while you still have the power of the choice.
Take care.
Love
Jane
Take care.
Love
Jane
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
You guys are really incredible. ALL of you. Believe me when I say that I do "feel the love" and feel so unworthy of all this attention. On the one hand it compells me to come back and then on the other it scares me and makes me want to run away. Obviously, I'm compelled more than frightened at the moment. (But, I have to admit that it's almost with the sense of not being able to help but to watch an oncoming collision... weird, I know, but it's truthful).
Okay... LostButterfly needs your love. I want to give some - but I feel like I'm on empty. Hug her for me.
Okay... LostButterfly needs your love. I want to give some - but I feel like I'm on empty. Hug her for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by bvaljalo
Hey Mads, have I ever told you how EXACTLY your story matches mine (apart from my being older when the stuff all happened)? It really trips me out sometimes, I gotta tell ya Sniffin' 80's in the bathroom at work, then the long lunchbreak to get more ... yah, that was me! That is too funny ... or ... maybe not ...
So, I just gotta ask ... did you also have checks in at like 5 different check cashing companies around town at any given time, like I did for awhile there?
Sniffin' 80's in the bathroom at work, then the long lunchbreak to get more ... yah, that was me! That is too funny ... or ... maybe not ...So, I just gotta ask ... did you also have checks in at like 5 different check cashing companies around town at any given time, like I did for awhile there?
Well, I am happy that we made it to the other side without too much permanent damage to our lives. But still, when I think back, even when I was reading your reply, I had a smile on my face. It's sort of like remembering the best sex you've ever had. I've moved on and found something better for me, but darn if I will ever forget that feeling!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Christin, start showing yourself some love girl!!! If you do not think that you are worth the work and effort to get clean and stay clean than it will never happen. For me, I am still working on the liking myself part and thinking I am worthy of anything. However, I know that I mean the world to my kids and my husband and that is what made me get clean in the long run. I know they say you have to do it for yourself, but I think that will all fall into place as you start to heal and patch yourself back up.
Have you seriously thought about including anyone around you in your struggles? I know you said that you can not let anyone know what is going on but what if this is a vital part of you saving yourself? Also, have you seen a psychiatrist or anything like that? I am not saying you need to, I was just wondering because of the whole process in how you got caught up in these pills so fast and out of the blue sort of. Was there something that triggered it or has there been something festering that is bothering you?
Anyway, like many others have said, until you have resolved that you are done with the pills, you will be going back and forth between wanting to get clean and giving in to the drugs. It does not matter how long it takes for you to come to the decision that you are done. We are here to support throughout the whole process if you are using or not, and hopefully some of our blurbs will get through and we can save you from sinking down as far as we have been.
Have you seriously thought about including anyone around you in your struggles? I know you said that you can not let anyone know what is going on but what if this is a vital part of you saving yourself? Also, have you seen a psychiatrist or anything like that? I am not saying you need to, I was just wondering because of the whole process in how you got caught up in these pills so fast and out of the blue sort of. Was there something that triggered it or has there been something festering that is bothering you?
Anyway, like many others have said, until you have resolved that you are done with the pills, you will be going back and forth between wanting to get clean and giving in to the drugs. It does not matter how long it takes for you to come to the decision that you are done. We are here to support throughout the whole process if you are using or not, and hopefully some of our blurbs will get through and we can save you from sinking down as far as we have been.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
I can't get quotes to work for me (so sorry if confusing):
"However, I know that I mean the world to my kids and my husband and that is what made me get clean in the long run."
I think that my family is the reason that I have abstained all these years. I see what fruit that has bore (or hasn't as the case may be). Maybe that's my trigger -- I don't know.
"Have you seriously thought about including anyone around you in your struggles? I know you said that you can not let anyone know what is going on but what if this is a vital part of you saving yourself?"
I wish I could express just how impossible this is. If it's a necessary part of saving me, then I'm doomed.
Also, have you seen a psychiatrist or anything like that? I am not saying you need to, I was just wondering because of the whole process in how you got caught up in these pills so fast and out of the blue sort of.
Years ago a psychiatrist, but I'm sure that it was the drinking that exacerbated emotions at that point. Always empty inside, always searching to fill it. I was "diagnosed" with schizophrenia... however, I only exhibited any symptoms while on meds for it (in hospital) and when I stopped the meds they went away. Oh.... when I stopped the meds the doc got ticked. I explained that I couldn't afford them. He asked how I expected to be able to afford him. Told him, "small payments." Last office visit. He said that there was no reason to come back.
Counseling a couple of times since. But, you know Madriley... they're always looking at their clocks (when they're not trying to get you to blame your parents). Doesn't work for me.
"Anyway, like many others have said, until you have resolved that you are done with the pills, you will be going back and forth between wanting to get clean and giving in to the drugs."
I want a magic wand. I'm afraid that I'm not done even though I want to be. I'm tired of going back and forth. So, if I'm tired of back and forth and I won't stop until I'm done. That means... I won't go there right now.
"We are here to support throughout the whole process if you are using or not,"
I'm going to sit here and cry in the library. Not good! I just came from the doctor, real visit. He's one who I love dearly. Operated on my youngest son and gave me his personal cell phone number to call because he was going out of town, made house calls for my mom when she was living with me (had a non-healing amputation). He left his script pad in with me. I didn't take one. I wanted to rip one off. He trusts me and, really, I have such affection for him. I know that I don't want for the day to come when that affection won't stop me.
Oh... and all the "blurbs" are my lifeline!
"However, I know that I mean the world to my kids and my husband and that is what made me get clean in the long run."
I think that my family is the reason that I have abstained all these years. I see what fruit that has bore (or hasn't as the case may be). Maybe that's my trigger -- I don't know.
"Have you seriously thought about including anyone around you in your struggles? I know you said that you can not let anyone know what is going on but what if this is a vital part of you saving yourself?"
I wish I could express just how impossible this is. If it's a necessary part of saving me, then I'm doomed.
Also, have you seen a psychiatrist or anything like that? I am not saying you need to, I was just wondering because of the whole process in how you got caught up in these pills so fast and out of the blue sort of.
Years ago a psychiatrist, but I'm sure that it was the drinking that exacerbated emotions at that point. Always empty inside, always searching to fill it. I was "diagnosed" with schizophrenia... however, I only exhibited any symptoms while on meds for it (in hospital) and when I stopped the meds they went away. Oh.... when I stopped the meds the doc got ticked. I explained that I couldn't afford them. He asked how I expected to be able to afford him. Told him, "small payments." Last office visit. He said that there was no reason to come back.
Counseling a couple of times since. But, you know Madriley... they're always looking at their clocks (when they're not trying to get you to blame your parents). Doesn't work for me.
"Anyway, like many others have said, until you have resolved that you are done with the pills, you will be going back and forth between wanting to get clean and giving in to the drugs."
I want a magic wand. I'm afraid that I'm not done even though I want to be. I'm tired of going back and forth. So, if I'm tired of back and forth and I won't stop until I'm done. That means... I won't go there right now.
"We are here to support throughout the whole process if you are using or not,"
I'm going to sit here and cry in the library. Not good! I just came from the doctor, real visit. He's one who I love dearly. Operated on my youngest son and gave me his personal cell phone number to call because he was going out of town, made house calls for my mom when she was living with me (had a non-healing amputation). He left his script pad in with me. I didn't take one. I wanted to rip one off. He trusts me and, really, I have such affection for him. I know that I don't want for the day to come when that affection won't stop me.
Oh... and all the "blurbs" are my lifeline!
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