Christin what you are going through right now is completely normal for an addict. It is the mini-me inside your head that you go back and forth with all day long, reasoning with it. I would be at work, I worked in an office and the bathroom was right across the hall. I would get to work in the morning and 10 minutes later, bathroom break (it was a one person bathroom). I would tell myself that I had to wait until after lunch to do my next line because I was broke and couldn't afford the crap to begin with so in my head I would try to make it last.
Next thing I knew it was lunch time, I blew through the to 80's I had brought to work with me and now I am taking an extended lunch so I can go pick up some more. When I was a teenager I would get high to get "wasted" or whatever you want to call it. But my addiction to oc's in my late teens going into my mid twenties was all about just making me happy enough that I could find joy in my family, in the little things, and get on with my every day life without anyone suspecting something was wrong.
So even during the day at work, I wasn't doing lines to get blitzed, I just kept doing them because of whatever reason I conjured up in my head. It's the darn mini-me that will talk and talk and talk and it will not give up until you say, alright, I'm gonna just take a few more or I'm just gonna do two more lines and that's it until I get out of work.
Only an addict can even begin to understand the mental turmoil that we put ourselves through. It is really like having multiple personalities, all day long you will be so adamant about not using. You don't even realize when you start to rationalize just using once, then you pop a few pills, the next thing you are thinking is what the f^&& happened? I didn't use all day and then out of nowhere I just said screw it?!
I still don't understand all of it, just try, try, try to preoccupy your mind when you start to panic or get stressed, or have a calming method in place for when this happens. Deep breathing, walking, listening to music, typing, running, the list goes on and on, you will find something that works for you. It takes time. Unfortunately but if you are going to do it right you need it to take time so that you can get it right this time. Give yourself room to breathe. Do you have any vacation time from work?
Work was my downfall because I used that as an excuse to not stop using, I couldn't take time off, and I couldn't function at work without my drugs. So I went on and on and on for years until it became so bad that I quit my job and finally stopped using. I had that same anxiety and fear where I could not be in public without drugs heck I couldn't go grocery shopping without using because someone may stop and talk to me. I couldn't handle it sober, didn't know how to. I am learning, just like you will. Keep going to the meetings, almost every addict has their relapses and errors in judgment , the important thing is to know how you messed up, what triggered you to mess up, and learn how you can deal with it next time so you don't do it again.