Christin, start showing yourself some love girl!!! If you do not think that you are worth the work and effort to get clean and stay clean than it will never happen. For me, I am still working on the liking myself part and thinking I am worthy of anything. However, I know that I mean the world to my kids and my husband and that is what made me get clean in the long run. I know they say you have to do it for yourself, but I think that will all fall into place as you start to heal and patch yourself back up.
Have you seriously thought about including anyone around you in your struggles? I know you said that you can not let anyone know what is going on but what if this is a vital part of you saving yourself? Also, have you seen a psychiatrist or anything like that? I am not saying you need to, I was just wondering because of the whole process in how you got caught up in these pills so fast and out of the blue sort of. Was there something that triggered it or has there been something festering that is bothering you?
Anyway, like many others have said, until you have resolved that you are done with the pills, you will be going back and forth between wanting to get clean and giving in to the drugs. It does not matter how long it takes for you to come to the decision that you are done. We are here to support throughout the whole process if you are using or not, and hopefully some of our blurbs will get through and we can save you from sinking down as far as we have been.