thought I was ok
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
thought I was ok
Hello everyone,
I have never tried to join an online forum for drug addiction before and am new to this. I am not new however to having a life that has been destroyed many times with drugs over many years.
I don't want to bore everyone with a long story as I know everyone has a long story of how they got where they are. I will briefly share as I cant seem to talk to anyone , including my wife and family about any of this.
I spent the first half of my life using Heroin and various other drugs. I also spent a good part of that time in jail and eventually prison due to crimes I committed to kee the drug habit going. I got released from prison approx. 6 years ago and was clean/sober until about a month ago.
I went from prison and living in shelters to biulding my life back , building a career, and making a really good income. I got ill with a lung infection called pleurisy and went to the ER one night with my wife.
They gave me a shot of dilaudid and that was ll it took for me to be off an running again with a script for vicodin in my hands.
I have been fighting the same addiction for the past month and am a mess. in addition I have had marriage issues, which were present before this relapse but of course now this is amplified. Every time I have fallen everyone around me has always jsut attributed any problems to the drugs. The only problem with that is I have had many problems that are there with or without the drugs.
Drugs seem to only be the surface issue as I have learned over the years. It will drag you down the sewer and destroy your life but jsut because you don't use does not mean that all issues go away.
My marriage has been on the rocks for years now and pretty much on the edge of divorce. We jsut don't get along anymore and are very different in many areas that we cant work through. The drugs have just taken any problems that I have and amplified then x10 as always. I am not sure what the heck I am going to do at this point.
I am still functioning and work as always. I know from experience though with heroin it is a matter of time until all the cards will fall apart no matter how far you have come. You would think that knowing all of this would keep you clean but apparently that is not always the case. I am struggling to get off this crap again and of course it is a nightmare as anyone who ever went through withdrawals knows. I can not even count how many times I have had to go through this and many of those times in prison where you just rot away and feel like you are going to die. The physical part is hard but , in my opinion, the mental part is much worse and lasts much longer.
I thought I knew it all and have discovered , once again, that I know nothing.
well I don't know what else to say at this point. thanks for letting me share on this forum as it is nice to express these feelings somewhere. AS I said I just cant even talk about this to my wife anymore. My wife by the way knows about al of this as I have told her the whole thing but not fo course without lying in the beginning ..
Anyway thanks
jayzee
I have never tried to join an online forum for drug addiction before and am new to this. I am not new however to having a life that has been destroyed many times with drugs over many years.
I don't want to bore everyone with a long story as I know everyone has a long story of how they got where they are. I will briefly share as I cant seem to talk to anyone , including my wife and family about any of this.
I spent the first half of my life using Heroin and various other drugs. I also spent a good part of that time in jail and eventually prison due to crimes I committed to kee the drug habit going. I got released from prison approx. 6 years ago and was clean/sober until about a month ago.
I went from prison and living in shelters to biulding my life back , building a career, and making a really good income. I got ill with a lung infection called pleurisy and went to the ER one night with my wife.
They gave me a shot of dilaudid and that was ll it took for me to be off an running again with a script for vicodin in my hands.
I have been fighting the same addiction for the past month and am a mess. in addition I have had marriage issues, which were present before this relapse but of course now this is amplified. Every time I have fallen everyone around me has always jsut attributed any problems to the drugs. The only problem with that is I have had many problems that are there with or without the drugs.
Drugs seem to only be the surface issue as I have learned over the years. It will drag you down the sewer and destroy your life but jsut because you don't use does not mean that all issues go away.
My marriage has been on the rocks for years now and pretty much on the edge of divorce. We jsut don't get along anymore and are very different in many areas that we cant work through. The drugs have just taken any problems that I have and amplified then x10 as always. I am not sure what the heck I am going to do at this point.
I am still functioning and work as always. I know from experience though with heroin it is a matter of time until all the cards will fall apart no matter how far you have come. You would think that knowing all of this would keep you clean but apparently that is not always the case. I am struggling to get off this crap again and of course it is a nightmare as anyone who ever went through withdrawals knows. I can not even count how many times I have had to go through this and many of those times in prison where you just rot away and feel like you are going to die. The physical part is hard but , in my opinion, the mental part is much worse and lasts much longer.
I thought I knew it all and have discovered , once again, that I know nothing.
well I don't know what else to say at this point. thanks for letting me share on this forum as it is nice to express these feelings somewhere. AS I said I just cant even talk about this to my wife anymore. My wife by the way knows about al of this as I have told her the whole thing but not fo course without lying in the beginning ..
Anyway thanks
jayzee
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Welcome to the forums jayzee.
We have all had similar experiences here so feel free to share as much as you want about what youre going through.
When I stopped using I found it really made my job easier to be around supportive people who had stopped using too. NA helped me tremendously with that. You might want to think about giving it another try.
In any case I am glad you found us and had the courage to share.
We have all had similar experiences here so feel free to share as much as you want about what youre going through.
When I stopped using I found it really made my job easier to be around supportive people who had stopped using too. NA helped me tremendously with that. You might want to think about giving it another try.
In any case I am glad you found us and had the courage to share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I wonder if anyone might have some insight into this issue with marriage/ relationship.
So again aside from my drug problem , which is its own demon, I have marriage issues. we dont talk at all and are complete strangers living in the same house. I have no relationship with my son either and really feel alienated .
We just dot have anything in common and don't want to be around each other anymore. This was the same before the recent drug relapse also. It seems very difficult to get a divorce or separate as we have been together for 15+ years.
However, I would think that there has to be a point where you have to wonder how 2 people would stay together with this kind of relationship...
Anyone have any thoughts on this as I am no good with relationships/feelings and all of that kind of stuff. I have never been able to show feelings well or been a soft person. I think it has a lot to do with where I have been and have been forced to be anything but soft for so many years.
Even when I make an effort to be more sensitive , it does not work very well.
So again aside from my drug problem , which is its own demon, I have marriage issues. we dont talk at all and are complete strangers living in the same house. I have no relationship with my son either and really feel alienated .
We just dot have anything in common and don't want to be around each other anymore. This was the same before the recent drug relapse also. It seems very difficult to get a divorce or separate as we have been together for 15+ years.
However, I would think that there has to be a point where you have to wonder how 2 people would stay together with this kind of relationship...
Anyone have any thoughts on this as I am no good with relationships/feelings and all of that kind of stuff. I have never been able to show feelings well or been a soft person. I think it has a lot to do with where I have been and have been forced to be anything but soft for so many years.
Even when I make an effort to be more sensitive , it does not work very well.
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Wow..thanx for sharing! I was actually having a rough time today and your post ...well ...it helped me remeber exactly WHY I don't want to get that first script!!!
What about a support group? You sound like you would fit right in and have alot of experience that others need to hear...The time that you stayed clean did you have recovery support?? It is the only way I survive up here as a recovering dope fiend....i just can't staay clean on my own..I have 14 months heroin free..but I know that I can easily give it all up like I did so many times before....You have come along way..this is just a bump in the road..you know you can get clean again...
I am glad you are here and think you made a great start by seeking out others who understand..we gotta have it!!!
love nroth
What about a support group? You sound like you would fit right in and have alot of experience that others need to hear...The time that you stayed clean did you have recovery support?? It is the only way I survive up here as a recovering dope fiend....i just can't staay clean on my own..I have 14 months heroin free..but I know that I can easily give it all up like I did so many times before....You have come along way..this is just a bump in the road..you know you can get clean again...
I am glad you are here and think you made a great start by seeking out others who understand..we gotta have it!!!
love nroth
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
It could be that your marriage difficulties is what triggered you to use, not the pain medication - that was just the opportunity and then you carried on once you got the taste for it again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5
HI guys I am new to this site. I drink too much and want to stop! I have anger issues, and problems dealing with life in general. I guess I use alcohol to "numb" me but it doesnt work. I have a 2 year old son and do not want to be like this forever. I dont want to ruin him because his mother is an alcoholic.
yesterday I tried to check myself into a mental hospital and they turned me away. I feel thats the only way to be free of this is to be forced to stay away from alcohol. I have been drinking every day for months now....and its getting worse. I recently moved out of my ex's house and began to drink more and more. I could go a day or so before, but now its a habit Ive taken up. We have been trying to work it out, but all I want to do is go home so I can drink. I just admitted to him yesterday that I have a problem. The first time I have to anyone. And I guess thats the first step to recovery right? I feel so embaressed by this, so I guessed just putting it out there for anyone would be a good thing to start with. I just want support and am afraid to get it from the ones I know personally.
yesterday I tried to check myself into a mental hospital and they turned me away. I feel thats the only way to be free of this is to be forced to stay away from alcohol. I have been drinking every day for months now....and its getting worse. I recently moved out of my ex's house and began to drink more and more. I could go a day or so before, but now its a habit Ive taken up. We have been trying to work it out, but all I want to do is go home so I can drink. I just admitted to him yesterday that I have a problem. The first time I have to anyone. And I guess thats the first step to recovery right? I feel so embaressed by this, so I guessed just putting it out there for anyone would be a good thing to start with. I just want support and am afraid to get it from the ones I know personally.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Welcome to the forums Jayzee and thanks for sharing!! I am really sorry for everything that you are going through right now. Addiction is not easy no matter what but I know how hard it is to try and deal with it all alone. You made the right choice by joining this site!
Have you sat yourself down and had a good, long talk with yourself? I mean, have you even thought about what it is you want in your life? Do you love your wife at all, is any of that first love still there? If the answer is yes than there is alot of work you need to do fast before it is too late. If you have not already been to counseling both individually and as a couple that is my first recommendation. I also think you and your wife need to sit down and have an all out honest talk about how you are both feeling, what you expect from each other, and if you both want to work this out or walk away. If you love each other and are willing to work at it no matter how hard it gets than I believe you can succeed and be happy. The drug issue is a blanket over all of your personal problems as you said. It's easy to use that as a cover instead of dealing with the real issues. It hurts too much to deal with the real issues. But once you start dealing with those issues you can start fixing them and finding solutions. You will build your life back brick by brick. You've done it before and you will do it again. I hope you can hold onto some of the real you this time and conquer this before it really drags you back down. Keep sharing on this site. I know it seems weird at first but I was amazed at how much it is helping me. I also have no support from my husband and my family has no idea I am an addict so this site is kind of like my "soul searching release" because I can't talk about this stuff with my husband either. Anyway, my prayers are with you and I hope that you come to some conclusions and start to chip away at them. I think you will feel better once you have started healing some of the other aspects of your life. :ghug
Have you sat yourself down and had a good, long talk with yourself? I mean, have you even thought about what it is you want in your life? Do you love your wife at all, is any of that first love still there? If the answer is yes than there is alot of work you need to do fast before it is too late. If you have not already been to counseling both individually and as a couple that is my first recommendation. I also think you and your wife need to sit down and have an all out honest talk about how you are both feeling, what you expect from each other, and if you both want to work this out or walk away. If you love each other and are willing to work at it no matter how hard it gets than I believe you can succeed and be happy. The drug issue is a blanket over all of your personal problems as you said. It's easy to use that as a cover instead of dealing with the real issues. It hurts too much to deal with the real issues. But once you start dealing with those issues you can start fixing them and finding solutions. You will build your life back brick by brick. You've done it before and you will do it again. I hope you can hold onto some of the real you this time and conquer this before it really drags you back down. Keep sharing on this site. I know it seems weird at first but I was amazed at how much it is helping me. I also have no support from my husband and my family has no idea I am an addict so this site is kind of like my "soul searching release" because I can't talk about this stuff with my husband either. Anyway, my prayers are with you and I hope that you come to some conclusions and start to chip away at them. I think you will feel better once you have started healing some of the other aspects of your life. :ghug
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