Guilt Sucks :-(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 32
Guilt Sucks :-(
You guys!! I'm still clean!! Yippy!! But I can't seem to stop thinking about my stupid accident. I will post another thread about exactly what happened, but to sum it all up, I fell asleep at 6:30 am on my way to work in the fast lane & smashed into a guard rail head on.
All I remember is looking down at the spedometer (going 87-90 MPH), looking up at the guard rail & my last thought was "I'm going to die on my mom's birthday."
Didn't even have a chance to have my life flash before my eyes. I just braced myself. The worst part is, when it was over I remember seeing smoke & panicking because I thought my car was going to explode. I couldn't open my car door so I crawled out the window. It was rainy, very dark & I was covered from head to toe in mud. My mom at the ER was picking worms out of my hair for real!!!
My story was that I had crashed into the rail & richochet backwards & that was that, end of story.
Later on, the sherriff told me that I had rolled the car multiple times, then slid upside down with my windows smashed so it was like a river sludge going in my car, then sliding another 12 feet on the drivers side with my face & hand scraping against the grassy median.....
I must have been unconcious because I DO NOT REMEMBER ROLLING or ANYTHING AT ALL! I was so mad that the ambulance wouldn't listen to me when I told them I didn't lose consciousness or rolled the car.
Then I saw my car. Yup. I must have rolled it. It was DESTROYED. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe I survived. I can't believe I didn't kill somebody else!! They said that my size & my seat belt saved my life. I'm 5"1 & about 88 lbs so I was tucked deep into my seat.
All I ended up having was a huge bump on the head, lacerations on my left check & left hand, left split lip, bruise on my ribs & scrapes behind my ears from my glasses being ripped off.
It just kills me because I keep thinking, it's because of the drugs. I fell asleep because I was dope hungover. I didn't get enough sleep the night before. I can't stop thinking about how confused I was that everything, my purse, bag, my nephews car seat, EVERYTHING in my car was now OUT of my car except me!!
I feel so guilty I think about it constantly. I work in orthopaedics so I get to see patients who break every bone in their bodies because of worthless people like me. But why didn't I get hurt????
So I hurt myself. I went & got a giant tattoo of the interstate sign with wings across my rib cage (the one I hurt in the accident). It really helped me cope, but not enough.
The feelings of guilt is overwhelming. Sometimes when I'm in the cast room I have to go to the bathroom & weep for my patients. I feel guilty that I didn't get hurt. I feel guilty for being dope hungover.
Even the sherriff said that he's never in his career seen anybody get themselves out of a car that mangled, or actually walking around.
:-( I'm a no good jerk. A drug addict desperate F**** FOOL. Sometimes I wish I would have died as a payback. I hate myself :-(
I will share my "whole experience" with you guys *my friends* <3<3<3<3<3 in a different thread. It's quite interesting.
Ughhhhhhhhhh
All I remember is looking down at the spedometer (going 87-90 MPH), looking up at the guard rail & my last thought was "I'm going to die on my mom's birthday."
Didn't even have a chance to have my life flash before my eyes. I just braced myself. The worst part is, when it was over I remember seeing smoke & panicking because I thought my car was going to explode. I couldn't open my car door so I crawled out the window. It was rainy, very dark & I was covered from head to toe in mud. My mom at the ER was picking worms out of my hair for real!!!
My story was that I had crashed into the rail & richochet backwards & that was that, end of story.
Later on, the sherriff told me that I had rolled the car multiple times, then slid upside down with my windows smashed so it was like a river sludge going in my car, then sliding another 12 feet on the drivers side with my face & hand scraping against the grassy median.....
I must have been unconcious because I DO NOT REMEMBER ROLLING or ANYTHING AT ALL! I was so mad that the ambulance wouldn't listen to me when I told them I didn't lose consciousness or rolled the car.
Then I saw my car. Yup. I must have rolled it. It was DESTROYED. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe I survived. I can't believe I didn't kill somebody else!! They said that my size & my seat belt saved my life. I'm 5"1 & about 88 lbs so I was tucked deep into my seat.
All I ended up having was a huge bump on the head, lacerations on my left check & left hand, left split lip, bruise on my ribs & scrapes behind my ears from my glasses being ripped off.
It just kills me because I keep thinking, it's because of the drugs. I fell asleep because I was dope hungover. I didn't get enough sleep the night before. I can't stop thinking about how confused I was that everything, my purse, bag, my nephews car seat, EVERYTHING in my car was now OUT of my car except me!!
I feel so guilty I think about it constantly. I work in orthopaedics so I get to see patients who break every bone in their bodies because of worthless people like me. But why didn't I get hurt????
So I hurt myself. I went & got a giant tattoo of the interstate sign with wings across my rib cage (the one I hurt in the accident). It really helped me cope, but not enough.
The feelings of guilt is overwhelming. Sometimes when I'm in the cast room I have to go to the bathroom & weep for my patients. I feel guilty that I didn't get hurt. I feel guilty for being dope hungover.
Even the sherriff said that he's never in his career seen anybody get themselves out of a car that mangled, or actually walking around.
:-( I'm a no good jerk. A drug addict desperate F**** FOOL. Sometimes I wish I would have died as a payback. I hate myself :-(
I will share my "whole experience" with you guys *my friends* <3<3<3<3<3 in a different thread. It's quite interesting.
Ughhhhhhhhhh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 103
Oh my god!!! That is so crazy I'm so glad you're alive and not badly hurt! I would feel grateful and happy, not guilty! I would feel guilty if I kept doing dope and driving, but you don't have to do that. I'm so glad you're okay, wow holy sh!!! that's crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
You know we make mistakes. Simple as that. Nothing more. Its up to you to forgive yourself. If it helps you any, talk to a sponsor about the issue to help you thru your guilt. Then make a list of gratitude for all that your grateful for. Then concentrate on that instead of the guilt. Work your steps on this accident. It will help you I promise. I am glad too that you werent hurt more than you were or it wasnt someone else involved too. You made mention of a baby seat. That would be the one of the greatest things I have gratitude for that your nephew was not with you this time. There is so very much to be grateful for. Have you talked to a sponsor? Do you need one? What about meetings? Do you go?
Glad and thankful you are alive.
Glad and thankful you are alive.
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