historyteach

Jenna's Journal continues....

As you know, if a thread gets too big, it slows the server down, so, we're now on part VI of the B/D Journal. Let the sharing continue!
Here's a link to the last thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2008-a-20.html

The last thing was what recipe did you want, KatieRose?

Shalom!

Live

I wish I liked to cook, I just drooled alot...now, that is MY IDEA of fantasy.........spinach pie, just thinking those words and I salivate like Pavlov's dog!

historyteach

Ahhh, it was really GOOOD!!! LOL!
Notice the past tense there, Live!

Unfortunately, I'm eating like a pig since my mom's death.
I've gained and lost the same 5 pounds at least 6 times in the last month!
I know it's emotional eating; and I've got to get a hold of it.
But, as a colleague pointed out; having a piece of birthday cake is emotional eating too. I just don't eat that birthday cake for a month! LOL!

Going to the doc's today. I keep getting dizzy. The room spins and the whole nine yards. I got home this morning, and Trevor, his g/f and her two kids were here again. The house was a freaking PIG STY! Of course, she took off with the kids; leaving me and him with the mess. And I found a syringe....again...I'm so much more than done with this. And he knows it. I read him the riot act yesterday. And I will call her later and do the same. She has a lot of nerve...He actually tried to tell me if I hadn't have come home early, they would have had it cleaned up, and I wouldn't have seen the mess, so it wouldn't have made any difference....

I reminded him that my coming home has nothing to do with it at all. It's what he's doing to ME and MY HOME! And the total disrespect he is showing me. He heard me, but, for how long...As long as he's using, I want no part of him. And frankly, I just have no room for any of this anymore. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Shalom!

Live

I am so sorry Teach. I know I sure reached that point with stepson.

Criminy....we have been in a dispute with the landlord...the propane tank was leaking and so was the range....he won't do anything about it until we pay the $200 to have it filled and I have no intention of doing that. We used maybe $30. So my range and oven it out of commission. So I can't really cook even when I want to. I am so ready to be on the road.

Took 10 bettas to the privately owned pet store we like....It was my decision and I thought I was settled with it, but a big wave of sadness hit me when I got home. I am still keeping some, including a pair that as soon as we are settled I will breed.

I am sure I would have more energy if I would eat decently.

nandm

Can you call an attorney. I believe that there are laws that force landlords to keep property liveable. A non working stove and a leaking propane tank would be considered problems that affect the liveability of the property IMHO. An attorney might do a contingincy based thing or be able to give you some advice on how to write a letter forcing the man to get the stuff fixed. I don't think he can force you to pay for a fill on the propane prior to fixing a leak. Why fill it while it is leaking.....won't it leak out? DUH! What an idiot.


Teach, I am so sorry you are facing this situation. Children can rip our hearts apart with what they do to themselves. No matter what you do I know it will be a painful decision. I do hope that ultimately you take care of yourself in all this as that is the only person you have any control over. Weight gain sucks......I pulled a pair of jeans out of the drawer yesterday and thought I had a pair of M's. I tried to put them on but barely could put on leg in......I still think they must be hers as I couldn't have worn that size since I was in high school.....lol She wears a size 5 and I wear nearly triple that.......ouch! But I am losing weight now that I am forcing myself to eat better and healthier. Now if I could just get off my b*tt and work out it would help even more. Probably help my mental health as well.

Take care everyone. Jenna, thinking of you and hope to see you back online soon.

KatieRose

Spinach pie please. I have no clue what to fix for supper and that sounds yummy.

historyteach

Ingredients -- fresh spinach, mushrooms, onions, swiss cheese and peperoni, (or whatever ingredients you like).
Either make or purchase fresh pizza dough.

Sautee fresh spinach with chopped garlic
Sautee mushrooms and onions
chop swiss cheese

Cut the dough into two pieces.
Roll out the dough.
Lay on the spinach, peperoni, mushrooms, onions, and cheese.
Fold over the dough and pinch it closed.
Lightly coat it with olive oil, or veggie oil.

Cook at 400 degrees until golden brown, @ 30 minutes
Enjoy!

Shalom!

Live

Only the pepperoni surprizes me...but as my sis says "She's like Mikey, she'll eat anything.' I do draw the line at blood sausage or pudding.

I was thinking more like a quiche, but as sis says, let me try something new!

Okay, time for Jenna to check in. I am concerned. I took hubs "secret phone"...the kind you put minutes on in and bought minutes and her phone must be out of service. Or...I know she has been having problems with the phone itself,...it doesn't ring always.

I am mad at him tonight...so one of my patterns is to make coffee, stay up and do a bunch around the house. And, we all know it really needs it right now. He went to bed just in time, one more wrong remark...and well, I get most literate when I am furious.
It didn't start with him, he just added to it. I am most tempted to move a bunch of furniture that goes into storage all together right in front of the door! I better hang around here and cool down! He really shouldn't have made that last snark about the dirty dishes. I try to be quiet when he is asleep and I know he really needs his sleep tonight....but meanness in me thinks about cleaning that up with all its clattering, but I would rather do it in front of him while he is drinking his morning coffee. And, ah yes, the washer has gone out too. I own a pair but they are stored at a his friends...whose own broke down and is using them. I don't like this guy and I would rather haul them somewhere and give them away than let him pay me some piddly price. But then again, oh whatever, I just want to leave this shiphole.

Live

Ah, I sat up and wrote instead, did me good and he came out for his middle of the night ice cream and put the tens unit on my back. This morning I told him he won my heart doing that and he just started joking and flirting with me about "What? You stole it back, why I thought I had it all along, etc" with a fun smile on his face.

Jenna, worried! Sent out a box parcel post today. Will try to phone again tonight.

shutterbug

hi. just a quick check in.
nice to see your green light on Tena
love you all

Tena, i have now also recieved, in addition to the 2 black-embossed curtains, 4 black panels (i can't remember if they are embossed or not, but I'm guessing they are to cover 2 windows?); a gorgously soft satin pillow sham, then another pillow cover with pink matching embroydry and i also rec'd the matching soft pink bed skirt. Thank you so much. The bed is going to look and feel more gorgeous than any i've ever seen.

I am depressed today. i have still been struggling since my last post here. i got my bank acct into the positive, but am afraid that i've nearly gambled away my camera money already. i can't tell u how ashamed i am and furious at my out-of-control-ness right now, but i think i will still have barely enough to buy a camera if i don't mess up any more. I think a large part of this has been a result of running out of my Welbutrin first...and then things seem to get out of control after I ran out of the Lamictal. I did pick up a brochure for gamblers anonymous, which i will call this week to find out when and where the closest meetings are, but frankly, i'm not fond of 12-step programs - even tho i know they work. i will do it just for that reason only...they work. otherwise, i will end up ending everything as a result of my own (uncontrolable) self-destruction.

so yeah, i'm just sick at my stomach at myself.

also, gas line issues at the house have meant that my parents had to call a plumber and they've now cut 2 large holes into the floor to try and re-string a copper gas line that hasn't been up to code since the city changed the laws where they don't allow copper lines any more. plus...they are having to pull out the water heater, put a draining pan of some sort under it and then vent it out the roof...and also vent the wall furnace that none of us even know if it works.

they had to cut the holes in the floor b/c the house has shifted and sunken so much over the years that there is no way anyone can even crawl under it to do anything! So...it's all going to cost at least $600...so mom is having me start paying $100/month rent. Although, I know she will still want me to continue paying that beyond the $600 for the gas problems.

And when the plumbers came over Tuesday to survey the job...mom finally showed and then was talking to the plumbers cute son (my age) about how she knows how bad the house is, "but she just lost her job in the city...and it's better than being homeless or living under a bridge." He said, "yeah, at least here she won't get rained on." She laughed and said, "yeah she will with this house!"

i was sitting just inside and heard the whole conversation. the only part that bothered me was it being the second time she said that my current living situation is "better than being homeless." both times, such comment has made me very depressed. last time, i was able to let her know about it without making her mad or hurting her... and she appologized. So you'd think she wouldn't have said it around me again. Anyway, it was the next day (yesterday) that i lost nearly my entire camera fund.

i'm not blaming her...her words were just a trigger, but still, she could have been more sensative to my feelings.

anyway....she's now put time limits on my computer use at her house so i'd better go.

lov and hugs,
Jenna

p.s. my phone 'should' be working fine. but i don't think i've gotten any calls from you. i'm totally switched right now to being up at night and asleep in the day so i've not been answering many day calls anyway (since i fear they are collectors when i don't know the number).

And apparently the car-thief has attempted to call me twice yesterday...as all it did was leave a message on my voice mail about my phone not being set up to accept collect calls. And i did recieve a brief 'ammends' letter from him in prison. he says he wants to pay back the money he took from me (which he honestly did try to do before he got put back in jail...but i wasn't able to cash his check b/c i ended up back in the hospital and shortly after the bank closed his account...but from a couple of days...his check to me would have cleared if i'd not been in the hospital and therefore able to have tended to it then).

This is the 3rd time he's written me in the past 9 months. I have not responded, but am thinking of perhaps responding to this one. Blatently stupid?

shutterbug

teach, thanks. i wasn't aware that long threads slow down the system.

Live

Jenna, I have tried to call you frequently....I thought your phone was cut off because I get a message that the wireless customer I am trying to reach is not available at this time.

I very much need to talk to you.

love,
Tena

historyteach

Tena,
Why are you surprised at the peperoni?
It adds a bit of spice, ya know?
And we all need a bit of spice to life, LOL!

Shalom!

Live

I suppose I was thinking along the lines of quiche lorraine or spinach souffle?

I am not an imaginative or creative cook, AT ALL!!!!

Right now...I am not eating anything spicy....but later on......mmmmmmm, sure!

And....my life is a bit too spicy at the moment...mashed potatoes and yogurts right now...real and metaphorically.

I talked to Jenna last night. She has been depressed.....but after talking for HOURS both our spirits were raised. Making plans galore!

We got a good respectable amount of moving done yesterday...and that is some of the best medicine for me.

Onward Ho!

Love youn's!

Tena

shutterbug

just another quick check in.

Tena, i forgot to mention that i have totally unlimited calling on weekends.

today i got 2 trash bags filled up with cut-up carpet and dirt. so i've not gotten 3 large spots of old yucky carpet pulled up. Tena, you sure that you don't want me to paint the wood floor in the living room? it looks so awful. couldn't we just sand the paint off along with the yuck...if we decide to go that route later?

i also got all my tax stuff copied off...and actually SIGNED this time...so i'll drop those off in the mail on my way home. And I went onto the gamblers anonymous website and found there are 3 meetings in my town each week (tuesdays, thursdays and fridays). So i'll prolly attend my first one tuesday.

*sigh*

oh, and i just finished e-mailing resumes out for my 2 required weekly work searches.

i know all this is so little, but i didn't feel like doing ANY of it. My body is definetly revolting -- b/c of being dead out of my Lamictal. It's quite amazing how much that little med helps all the pains in my head and body go away...and also helps my obsessive/compulsive thoughts so much also. Since I ran out...I've been popping OTC pain meds daily (just generic acetaminaphine).

I have a prescription ready for me to pick up at my pharmacy in the city...all that is holding things up is my COBRA kicking in. I'm going to have to call them Monday to find out what the hold-up is. I need my freaking meds! My brain is soooo restless without that little Lamictal pill.

I will be okay tho.

Boy, my sis was acting a bit manic a little bit ago (but i don't think it was mania -- it was just a bit too much 'up' than is normal for her). Now she is conked out on my mom's bed (she came over here to watch a football game -- which i think is quite weird on it's own that she gets soooo into a goofy football game. She use to be like me and not care...and it's not even like it's a school she even went to either. so -- it's just really weird to me).

shutterbug

p.s. I've called and asked my home phone line to be trasferred. So that is suppose to get done on Oct 2. Then I will be able to figure out what i need to do to get my computer/internet hooked up at my house.

i'm starting to feel some withdraw or something (finally) from not having regular internet access.

lov and hugs,
jenna

shutterbug

You know that comedy thing a few years ago of "Here's your sign?" (I think what's-his-name did it...the 'redneck' guy?) Well, I've been thinking about mental illness being similar, except instead of hearing 'here's your sign' ...the doc says 'here's your head' or 'here's your diagnosis' when it comes to being bipolar II.

i'm not sure i'm even making sense to myself here, but....i guess it's like this: If a person's not born with intelligence then they could be the butt of the joke 'Here's your sign.' And in a similar fashion....just like a low intelligence level...a person can try their heart out to become 'a smart person' and although they will definetly learn some things....they'll never be able to change WHO they were born and they'll never be able to become a rocket scientist. Right?

Well, I thought that if i learned about mental illness, codependency, relationships, addiction (and how it all works together)...that I could live a some-what normal life. That I could 'overcome' my bipolar II and be prepared for it when tough episodes did hit. BUT, what I've learned is that no matter how much i educate myself, or how many different meds or therapies i tri....i will ALWAYS still be bipolar. AND that when my illness flares up....that's all there is to it. It's going to make my life a nightmare until it retreats back into it's hiding stop in my head...and there's nothing i can do to stop the nightmare from taking over my life each time.

My illness controls me; i don't control my illness. All i can do is try to possibly minimize the affects of it on my life. And my BP will always hold my life in the palm of it's hand....with me the puppet for the most part.

My only hope is that some scientist can discover exactly WHY shock therapy works so well....and THEN create a way to get the same affects without the actual procedure and memory losses....and in a way that the beneficial affects can be maintained (instead of fleeting as they currently are for BP II's)

There is obviously a giant tie to epilepsy/Parkinson's, bipolar II and even the memory stealing illnesses (which i can't think of the names right now). This is obvious to me b/c it is a seizer that causes the release of the proper chemicals to 'correct' a major depressive episode, temporarily. And the deep-brain stimulation procedure often done for those with (Parkinson's?? - can't think of the correct illness) is the EXACT SAME deep-brain stimulation procedure that is being tried for some major depressives. And there are those memory stealing illnesses...which i've learned that in 50 percent of the cases...the patient is actually dealing with something quite curable with just a few shock treatments (but who are usually mis-diagnosed and therefore lose their memory for the rest of their lives since they never get shock treatments for the very curable illness).

There is a connection...i mean, even most mood stabalizer's were first developed as anti-seisure medications. So what's the connection? What makes a person become ill with epilepsy rather than a mood disorder, or vice-versa? Why is a seizure, the only thing that can currently 'fix' a major depression (albeit, temporarily?)

--- this is just a copy/paste of a post i wrote to Sunflower and wanted to include it here.

Effexor and Lamictal seem to be the best combo for me. Once my insurance gets straightened back out...I'll be back to:

-- Lamictal 200 mg
-- Effexor 300 mg
-- Welbutrin 150 mg or 300 mg (depending)
-- Provigil 200 (as needed, which is most days, to help keep my fatigue/low energy at bay)
-- a 'one a day women's' multi-vitamin
-- and Deplin (a prescription that is suppose to act like 'food' for the anti-depressants to make them work better....i'm not sold on it, i just take it b/c it hasn't had any negative affects and my pdoc wants me on it so...i am)

Unfortunately, I've come to believe that Bipolar II is the hardest mental illness to treat. Bipolar I, is pretty easy to treat with mood stabalizers....but that's IF the person will take their meds and most don't want to or simply refuse. Same with schizophrenia...hard to keep them on their meds.

Us...well, we take our meds and constantly try different meds one after the other in search of something that will work. I don't believe there are currently any meds that truely work for bipolar II. By nature, we swing back up from our depressions eventually....so some docs with mistakenly think they found 'the magic combo' for the individual. But that's nonsense in my book.

For me....meds/therapy/everything else is only an attempt to TRY and minimize the affects of this illness on our lives, but the ONLY thing that has ever truely RELIEVED my illness completely was ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) -- but only relieves the illness temporarily and after my 10th shock treatment i started having memory issues. I'm still thankful for the 23 total I rec'd, i just wished the wonderful affects the shock treatments lasted longer.

So....i'm to the point where somehow...i'm trying to make myself come to terms with how miserable much of the rest of my life will be.

---
sorry i couldn't be more optimistic or anything for you in this post, but this is how things are from my self-education and life experiences to this point.

welcome and please feel free to share any and all stories and/or struggles that are on your mind. This is an awsome site of support.

hugs,
Jenna
--------------------

shutterbug

Now 4 a little Jenna News:

1. My 19-year-old little cousin annouced today she is 8 weeks pregnant. She doesn't have a car, solid place to stay and only recently got a job...and no telling how long she'll keep it. She's excited...as i've been afraid of for her for many years now. I understand it, but she'll get herself set up on social services and most likely never do anything with her life.

She also has been selling prescription drugs for a while apparently (yet my sister is convienced she does not take them herself...even tho our cousin told me herself that she's taken them before).

2. i still don't have my internet hooked up at my house yet, but it shouldn't be much longer until i do.

3. my sister isn't happy with me tonight b/c she wanted me to babysit so that she could come up with some excuse to not be home tonight. typically, her ex-husband watches the boys nearly every night (even tho his only 'official' days are Sunday and Mondays), but tonight she didn't think he was going to come back and therefore was needing someone else to use.

I hadn't told her no yet and she'd already called my dad to see if he had plans for tonight, but since she didn't ask him if he'd watch them...i'm assuming he does. PLUS, how often do you think an active-alcoholic isn't going to have plans for a Saturday night?

I wouldn't have minded watching them, but it's long past time for my sister to realize that once her slave (the ex-husband) is out of the picture...she's going to have a lot more responsibilities with her 2 children. So I simply told her i didn't want to babysit tonight.

She didn't say anything, but i could tell she was fuming inside (in a way that only a sister could know she was wanting to bite my head off). Earlier, I had finally opened my mouth to her and said what has been on my mind for a while now....and that being that i think at least 1 of my nephews has ADHD. I said it in the most loving and caring/nice way i possibly could and even expressed my apprehension to her about me even saying anything, but still....she started going off on me.

Her near-exact words were, "what other 2 boys have you spent time around? They are not hard to handle. You're not a doctor! You have no right to diagnosis something you know nothing about!"

Then she went on to tell me her friend's son has ADHD and he sets fire to things. I asked how old the child was...and that child is 2 years older than my nephews. I pointed out that there also are varying degrees in how things like ADHD present themselves. Then i said something about her getting so overly defensive, which she said she wasn't, and then i simply told her that i care about the boys and i only mention it out of caring & love for them. She shut up, but i wish i'd have said:

"What's the big deal? If i'm wrong then, i'll be super glad and you can tell me how wrong i was and we can all be happy, but if i'm not then how can it be a bad thing to know what's really going on?

4. my gas is finally on...and i finally have hot water!!

5. I attended my first 2 gamblers anonymous meetings this week (thurs and friday). it was hard to make myself go to the first one and was hard afterwards too since others stories sound so much worse than mine and therefore i was having trouble relating to them, but i went. Friday, i was so sleepy that i nearly didn't go to that one, but i made myself. i was late, but i got a large round of applause from the 6-7 in the meeting for having returned for a 2nd meeting (they'd been worried i wouldn't be back...especially since the meeting had already started and i hadn't been there).

i felt better after the 2nd meeting.

a VERY interesting thing that one person said was that he was addicted to cocain for about 5 years and some others before that...and was able to get clean from those drugs all on his own, and that gambling is so much harder to stop. Another member who is in AA said the same thing...that the gambling has a much stronger hold than his drinking ever did.

That was kind of a 'wow' moment.
Also, at least 1 other person is bipolar and another is paranoid schizophrinic and another person's son is bipolar.

6. i talked to the guy smoking buddy from the former paper and he told me a very shocking story! Apparently, on friday....our most docile, shy, respectable and sweet reporter got into an argument with our managing editor and slammed him up against the wall and then punched him in the face several times! I'm still a bit in shock that this person could/would EVER be violent or anything, but apparently things haven't been very rosey since i was fired either.

one long-time columnist was 'forced' to resign into early retirement, the girl smoking buddy that was the reason i was fired the day that i was has skipped the past 2 weeks of work straight and doesn't even call in to the boss (and had run out of vacation and sick leave months ago), and a huge publication mistake was made where the paper actually published the annual special pub for an awards event...the DAY BEFORE the actual awards event!! So everyone knew who won before they even showed up for the banquet that cost thousands of dollars to put together.

So apparently, my former tattle-tale, getting me fired, smoking buddy might already be out of a job herself since apparently our boss already started interviewing for her replacement last week. And the reporter turned boxer obviously doesn't work there any more.

OH, and apparently the new photographer hired to replace me isn't so happy either and has already stood up in the middle of the newsroom to yell across the room at 2 of the reporters for not helping her get their photo assignments in a timely manner and then flat-out told them "so now you're not getting a photo for it." And then she told one of them that she was going to have a major fit if the one reporter sent her out to shoot ANOTHER story about dogs (after all, it is a business and political newspaper).

AND, now all the reporters are required to do daily mtgs with the boss at 8:30 a.m. and all the rest in the newsroom have a daily 11 a.m. design meeting (it was only a single, required weekly meeting when i was there).

OH!!! AND the only person more shy and docile in our newsroom than the one who beat up our boss Friday is one who rarely says 2 words and when he does you can barely hear the words since he talks so softly.....Apparently, he recently stood up at his desk and yelled "F***" SO LOUDLY that even our witchy publisher heard it all the way down the hallway and stuck her head out of her office!!! Talk about making your co-workers feel uncomfortable!!! I mean, that happened during biz hours!!! And i was called into the office that last time before my firing b/c i mentioned "when they fire me" to just 3 people still left in the office after regular biz hours b/c, as the publisher put it they couldn't have me saying things like that (about me being fired) b/c things like that "make others feel uncomfortable in their work environment."

ha ha ha!!!!!!

oh....and a potential future reporter flew all the way into town from Florida for a job interview....and was waiting in the lobby when that one long-time reporter was yelling at and punching the editor in the next room!!! So the guy ended up having to be interviewed, not by the editor, but instead by 2 other reporters while the editor was busy with police officers taking statments!!

soo.....yep.....not so pleasant a work environment since i was fired. darn.

historyteach

Jenna,
Sounds like you're well out of that dump!
Sometimes, things really do happen for the best, no?
I mean, I just couldn't work in an environment like that at all! I'd be out on stress because of what's going on there now! LOL!

Hey, I just got elected shop steward! Well, me and the libraian. We are going to share the position. I'm going to go to the meetings; she's going to do the paperwork! I *like* that type of sharing! LOL! I only ran cuz the guy who was steward retired and the guy who was acting as our steward, until the elections were held, was doing nothing at all. We got no information; didn't get the job postings; didn't have a meeting, even though one was asked for by both myself and another member. So, I stood up to the plate, and took a shot at it. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to it.

Shalom!

shutterbug

Eurika!!!! (or however u spell that silly word, lol)

I'VE GOT INTERNET NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It took me about 1/2 an hour of searching for different kinds of phone cords and connectors and trying to figure out why my ethernet thingy wasn't showing any power to it.....and i FINALLY just decided to see what would happen if i just hooked the phone line straight into the computer and WHALA! It just booted right up with nooooo problems!

:day4

Teach, what is a shop steward? I know i should know this already. sorry. Regardless, that's cool about getting to share the duties with another person (although, i've grown to hate meetings since working for papers, so i would have definetly grabbed the paperwork and begged the other person to attend all the meetings, LOL, but then again, i don't mind paperwork).

So what kinds will the meetings be about? Hopefully, they won't be snoozers OR knock-down-drag-outs either. lol

Well, i just wanted to log on for a few since finally getting my own internet access running again for the first time in 2.5 months.

yay.

Tena, no packages came today. Although, i just found a partial bottle of my Lamictal that i didn't realize i still had!!!! YIPPEE!! Headaches BE GONE! :bounce