shutterbug

headache today...worse yesterday's.

I was on the phone with insurance peeps and making appointments and gathering info about what needs to be done toward me possibly getting VNS approved and also bariatric services.

Tena and i were talking last night about how often it is that people just don't LISTEN!!! It is soooooo aggrivating when trying to get information out of people who want to only give you the info they have handy....which has little to do with your questions at hand!!!

i got bounced around like a volley ball by my insurance people for about an hour. The last lady who came on the line was more competent, but still wouldn't really listen to what i was asking....so her answers weren't of much use to me. After i started getting aggrivated with her...i finally phrased the question in another way (4th trial) that i hoped she could "hear" my request....and answered it in about 20 seconds. *sigh*

I frankly said, "Finally!!! If you would have said that the first time i asked, we would have AT LEAST saved 10 minutes of aggrivation!"

Then she asked if she'd answered all my questions. I was quite frank again saying, "Actually NO! I've talked to 5-7 different people over the past hour and no one has answered the main reason i called!! I'm looking for a doctor in my area who would be a good one to see for bariatric services!"

She started looking, having trouble until she did her search different search terms....while i was waiting, i did explain, "I appologize for my aggrivated attitude. I've been bounced around for about an hour with people not listening to simple questions. You ended up getting me after all of that so i know it's not your fault, i'm sorry, it's just been very aggrivating."

She was sweet and said she understood and has been in the same situation as me many times and that it IS very aggrivating.

*sigh* Why does it seem that some people just DON'T seem to have an actual listening ability? It's like they only hear every 3rd word or something!!

----
Well, i also have to admit that my stress threshold is VERY low right now. The 2.5 hours spent on the phone covering necessary chores....felt like a full day's work at a job i would HATE!

At least i came out of it all with a dentist appointment set for Monday...and my COBRA company admitting they made a mistake by not updating my dental coverage...and that part should be taken care of by week's end.

oh....and the most significant set-back was finding out that to even be considered for coverage of bariatric services by my insurance....i have to not ONLY meet physical requirements (which i was aware), but that i ALSO have to get a psych evaluation for some reason that no one knew why, AND have a solid record of "proof" from a certified medical person that I've attempted weight loss treatment for 6 months within the past year. Uggg!!

So even if i got on the ball tomorrow with a doc and plan....it's likely to be 7-8 months before even getting a determination from my insurance people!! That's rediculous.

I've lost about 25 pounds over this depressive episode, but i still should qualify for however they determine the BMI numbers needed, BUT if i go on a 6 month weight loss plan...and lost another 25 pounds...who knows!! They said that i might could still qualify if i don't end up too much below the BMI numbers, but it sounds difficult and complicated to say the least.

oh well....i guess if that's what i have to do to not spend the next 10 years not even able to look in the mirror at myself without hating myself more....then that's just what i'm going to have to do.

No wonder i can't get much done about my phyiscal environment! With just the things i dealt with today on the phone...and knowing how much other things i have waiting to be dealt with.....it's no wonder i'm mentally exhausted before ever getting the chance to try physical chores. Stress....it's an ugly, ugly demon that gets uglier the more i learn about how it affects my life.

feeling burnt out,
jenna

Live

Thanks to Jenna for the insight about the PTSD.

We were working together on the computer and one of us asked the other...do you ever just feel like throwing the damn thing across the room and from both of us there was a resounding YES!

Hers is just plain messed up and doesn't show the full screen.
the thing that makes me want to throw mine is that the copy and paste no longer works.

So, I will be repeating myself some here, but this is what I wrote in Pennies this morning (copied down with pen and paper)

You know it has only been 15 days since the bad car wreck and 8 days since he left. I think alot of it is that I have been in shock and just urgently putting our fires and trying to take care of everything.

Today is the first bad day I have had.

I got a decent amount done yesterday. But what I worked on was clearing one whole wall in the living room of the rental and putting his things in bags and big plastic storage containers. I felt pleased with what I had gotten done last night.

But, when I got up this morning and that was the first thing I saw, I started crying and have barely been able to stop.

What happened to my once wonderful husband?
I trusted him with all my depths, I entrusted him with my life...for the rest of my life. I have proved my love to him. I have been celibate because of his medical problem and was willing to remain celibate the rest of my life because of my love for him.

It hit me emotionally all at once.

I still need to be very busy working at things today but I feel like I have been punched in the guts and am just doubled over.

I decided that since his sister is his caretaker, I would forward all my emails where I have been trying very hard to consult with him and resolve things in a civil, practical manner and in agreement.
I also need to let her know some things about his medications.

I had first sent her info about his medications yesterday and since she responded decently, I decided that since she is in charge of taking care of him to send her all the information so that she knew what was going on.

I still will not insult my husband (or have I all ready?)
I have tried to protect his privacy but he has 4 mental illnesses and one very major spinal injury.....two from being a veteran.

He is ill and I know in my heart he is scared to death...the PTSD has taken over...and the head trauma sure doesn't help anything.

She misunderstood something and expects me to send him money (through a money order to her LOL). I am sorry. I cannot do that.
My biggest hurdle is financial.

Last week on the phone my mother spoke so viciously about him I was apalled! and immediately told her I would not listen to insults about my husband. She also attacked me verbally and I didn't respond to that, but the conversation was immediately cut short.

I just walked down the lane to pick up my mail and she had sent me a dvd,
"Finding hope for troubled times" and a decent letter. I cried.
Then I phoned her...and not much to my surprize and not to be ungrateful but it was a dvd she had won and since she didn't have a dvd player...sigh

We did have a decent phone conversation and while my own beliefs are confidential, I asked her to read Ephesians 4:8,9 :

Finally, brethern, whatsoever things are true,
Whatsoever things are just,
Whatsoever things are pure,
Whatsoever things are lovely,
Whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue,
and if there be any praise,
think on these things
9)
Those things, which ye have both learned,
and received, and heard, and seen in me, do:
and the G*d of Peace shall be with you.

I have learned that the only effective way to communicate her is through Christianity. (Can that be considered speaking in tongues? LOL)

But I was able to speak to her about compassion, and how much unneccesary suffering there is amongst people due to the lack of compassion.
That we never know what someone is struggling with or what they have been through that makes them that way.

Shame on me, but it was hard not to laugh when she told me her last ladies group had been about gossip and then begun to talk about someone hogging the food.
But this gave me another chance to talk with her about how we each answer for ourselves and to our own conscience and maybe we should be less concerned about what others are doing, etc.

I swear, I have been trying to raise my mom for almost 20 years! LOL

Okay. I am going to try to get in 15 minutes of moving things and then , you know what, if it still feels so bad, I am going to take a nap.
__________________________________________________ _______________
End of copied post.....any insight belongs equally to Jenna
__________________________________________________ _______________

Of course I prefaced my lessons, sermons, homilies...what are they called in Juddaism, Teach?...with I am certainly not perfect, I am human but I believe...

There is much more to talk about regarding this phone conversation, but not now.

And later I will catch up the rest of my day.

hugs around,
Tena

shutterbug

yes...got up from living room, walked to kitchen to pour a glass of soda...and whole body weakness.

i wish there was a scale or level of fatigue to be able to explain better...same with depression (which i'm thinking about developing for my book). Why? Because, for example, when some people become depressed on a moderate level, it feels horrible and interfers with their lives in a number of ways....but they truely can't understand that their level is only moderate and that people can suffer from double that depth of depression. They can only understand the way they felt....so if there was a specific scale that upon meeting whatever symptom criteria, a doc or psychologist could determine they are experiencing a depression level of 6 or 7 (with 10 being highest). They could understand their situation is significant, but...that it REALLY could be worse!

Also, i think it could help with stigma issues. So many people have only experienced situational or very, very mild depression so they tend to think that THEY can decide not to be depressed anymore....b/c in some situations, i think that's possible...but usually not. If a family member could show a skeptical parent or sibling the scale, their level on that scale...and have it also show specific reasons and symptoms for that rating on the scale.....then i think the "idea" of depression in the general public's minds could become more visual/real rather than so abstract.

Anyway, currently, the only way i have to describe my present level of fatigue is to explain....that it feels a lot like when i was younger and sometimes spent hours playing in a pool and swimming around. When i'd get out of the pool after such a long time...the complete exhaustion became aware. The water was no longer supporting me with little effort....so with the weight of gravity my exhaustion level became apparent.

i don't even know if very many people have experienced that or if i'm describing it in the best way....but it's just a kind of total body exhaustion that is just different from other types of physically exhausting ones-self.

Live

That's funny! We were both posting at the exact same time.
It's voo-doo, Jenna ROFLMAO

Live

Anyway today was like trudging through thigh high water with an undertow.
I would sit down defeated on the sofa. And there I am staring at the areas I am working on...and I would have to give myself a talk...you can carry one thing out, just one thing. Recycle and repeat. But it was definitely half-hearted.

At least with each thing I carried out, I brought something of his back in.
And I got out another big lawn and leaf bag, but this time I cheated...I went to his closet and just grabbed things off the rod several at a time to fill it up.

I really do need to make hay while the sun shines. I can only pack back and forth while it is light. And I HATE this time change crap! In Indiana we stayed on the same time all year. Now it is dark shortly after 5pm. Further in this rant, our bodies are programmed to wake with the light and sleep with the dark. So here I am shortly after 5 dozing off.

And I did the bad thing. Again. Fixed coffee half caf/half decaf....and I am sensitive to caffeine. I always think I will then do some more things around here that can be done at night. But it is self-deceit. I don't. I am tired and I get on here.

Jenna, remember last night I was going to ship my ebay items etc and run all my errands? Today is Veteran's day and the post office is closed. My daughter called and happened to inform me that today is a federal holiday!
She was doing her thing...going over my plans to see if they were viable.
She and sis have alot in common. I finally told her that I had prepaid my rent and utilities and you were going to employ me.
Then she made the greatest Freudian slip, which was pure projection...about she was concerned that something might happen between us, as in you would kick me out. (Guilty projection) The connection to me was obvious and I am sure it never crossed her mind.

As we have talked about, I was raised in a "Star Trek" home. Emotions are not rational, very repressed. (except mom's anger!)
But she actually started talking to me about how her brother had returned her Christmas card marked refused and she had sent letters to her oldest sister right across town and still the sister would not acknowledge her or speak to her. Being weepy anyway, I cried again....and told her how sorry I am and that when things like that happen to me, I just have to figure...boy, that person has a problem. But I have to give credit to mom. Her elder sister did something so abhorable at the time of their mother's death, my mom is being the much bigger person. And it was my mom and dad who alway took care of Granny.
However Lena had the deed to the house and when Granny's things were auctioned, Lena had the sheriff's throw them off the property!!!!! So my mother did not even get to see her mother's things...precious photos, letters, that would have been so special to her. etc.
And mom says well that was in the past. So, while she was telling me about her hurt she couldn't feel it.

I did send Danny a Happy Veteran's Day email and acknowledged that 2 of his injuries that he suffers from daily are from his service.

I was also honest and emailed him about sending everything to his sister.
I feel pretty sure he is hating me for that.
But, you know what...I would rather him hate me and get help and be well than the alternative.

Jenna, when I was talking with my mom she was horrified at the thought that I would drive that truck and pull a camper, so scared and concerned for me.
And it suddenly flashed in my mind about you and lunch money.
She knows perfectly well that my greatest need is gas money. Glad I have learned here not to have expectations, cause actually I know just what to expect.

And at first she was most eager to find out how much I got for Danny's heirlooms. I had to explain that I just couldn't do that morally. That they were family heirlooms passed down since circa 1850...one maybe older.
She started to protest but he....and I said Mother they are his family heirlooms and they belong to him.

Daughter wanted to know if I was going to be there for the Holidays.
In my mind I am thinking geeesh, doesn't anybody get it? I explained that my situation was that I would like to but I hoped she would understand that I needed more to get myself set up. She said she would fly me in if she had the money. And I said, Dayna, not asking for anything but the truth is, in my situation gas money would help me far more. I hope you understand.

So, I guess I have had a pretty full day after all.

AND I just ate a strawberry/banana yogurt followed by a Healthy Choice meal of lemon pepper fish, rice pilaf, brocoli and cherry apple dessert with oats.

So, sweet dreams to me. Yawn.

Much love,
Tena

shutterbug

I immediately fell asleep after talking to you....but just 2 hours later i'm awake and had to just accept it. that was at 9 p.m. or so....i've bored myself to pieces watching boring t.v. shows....hence why i'm no on here again, but luckily growing sleepy.

Man, i feel like such a worthless idiot right now. Reality flashed across my mind of how all my days are filled with sleeping, sometimes eating, journaling and t.v. - the only thing worse for this picture would be if i became a gamer and spent lots of time playing video games (no offense gamers, sorry), however, i've thought about doing just that several times! And i actually, most likely would have hooked up my playstation and all if i wasn't so damn lazy! How's that for an oximoron!! Being too lazy to play video games all day....or rather to even hook up the damn box!!!

I'm really sorry if i offend anyone with this rant, but i've always pushed myself really hard all my life...and my ex of 4 years helped further develope my judgements on those who do nothing with their lives and let others take care of them while they play video games, watch t.v. (and often drink beer).

Gamers in general brings negative conitations for me....mainly b/c my oldest male cousin, just a couple years younger than me, has been the typical pot smoking, drop-out, lazy, un-motivated, user all his life. I think he 'may' have had 1 or 2 jobs his whole life, and neither for more that a few months, at max. As older teenagers, i couldn't stand all that in him THEN!! All his life was about was Dungeons and Dragons and video games.

And, again, i'm sorry for my judgements in this area and any offense taken, but from what i've come to see in most serious gamers is aggression, more than most others, if not out-right violence. Even the girl who affected my firing on the day i was....a college degree, husband, young daughter, great job....but also a huge gamer....and there was an uncomfortable-ness i always felt when talking to her on smoke breaks. I tried to ignore it, but there is a strong level of aggression under the face she showed. That became more and more evident to me. And my oldest male cousin....i just recently found out...he started molesting our youngest cousin when she was about 5 (his dad went to prison for molesting me when i was about 5, but i told and our little cousin didn't...but i've ALWAYS had trouble even looking at this cousin becaue he looks JUST like his dad), and he has been physically violent with her to the point of lifting her off the ground by her throat and chocking her. And....my ex of 4 years....had a lot of violence that he held in, but that did come out from time to time (dragging me across the room and some instance with the closet that i've blacked out for some reason....but he was even cruel to my 2 cats....locking one up in a window during the summer for so long that she actually crapped in the window....and could have died. His excuse was that she was bothering him and he thought it funny. Well, soon after he was torturing her again by locking her up in the shower and turning the water on...and before i could intervine, my male cat ran in and bit him on the foot!! lol)

Anuyway, back to my original point.....no opinions or judgements that anyone could have about my current sad life....could even come CLOSE to those i have of myself. My therapist doesn't like me to use the phrase "white trash" as he says it's just as deamening as saying the 'N' word about an African American. I see his point, but...i'm talking about myself here and that is truely how i feel about my current life and environment. Disgusting all the way around.

And....thankfully i was able to stop gambling last month quite easily and with few cravings after 3-4 days....BUT it took about 1.5 weeks for me to not be somewhat affected when driving past the biggest one, that's on the highway heading toward my doc appoints in the city each week. But, my point actually is this....

Ever since my firing, it's been very emotionally hard for me to drive past the downtown area in the city where i worked....and it's not avoidable....and it still has a great affect on me. Monday, i realized that it was a phyisical set of buildings that has a muchhhh greater affect on me than any casinos!!! I mean, several of the last times driving to or back from the city....i actually didn't even NOTICE the giant casino with all the flashing lights!!! (I feel awsome about realizing that i've been able to do that!) But, the downtown tall buildings will likely have a negative hold on me for years, if not for the rest of my time here.

Even comercials showing the area in the background make me more depressed...and even televised big basketball games downtown....if i stop on the channel for a moment, it's usually not long before my eyes get drawn to the line of photographers sitting along the edge of the court. That stings pretty good. i mean, even tho i only got to cover a few while at my last paper...i know i would have easily been able to shoot 1-2 or more games this season....and i would have LOVED it!! Sports are very enjoyable to me thru my lens...and these games are about the biggest in town. So those missed opportunities and photos saddens me.

Heck, even some boring PRESS CONFRENCES make me sad!!! I don't watch the news much unless there really isn't anything else on....but when a t.v. station reports on a big business press conference or similar event....it is another constant reminder of the life and job i had...and how horrid things have turned out from being fired for my mental illness.

I went from the world of dinners and meetings with millionaires and billionairs to counting pennies for dollars to get food at the grocery store...and soon to apply for food stamps and any other government funded programs that might help.

And perhaps this drastic change would be easier to get thru if i had a boyfriend to do things with and cuddle with or turn my attention to when feeling down and in my pity-pot. But i don't have that and really, the hardest part is how long it's been since i have. Which is why i let loose and drunk and flirty with all the gay and straight boys at the halloween party. But, that is all now 11 days past and the brief enjoyments of that night have mostly faded into reality. Don't get me wrong....i still remember it all fondly, but the brief, self-esteem 'high' i got from it is 99% gone now. And with my current appearence and situation...i'm not going to get to experience anything like that anytime soon.

----

different subject....Tena, i don't want you to feel like you are going to be working for me or anything like that. I don't want to feel that way either. We are partners. And actually you are the only one who has been activily working toward our goals! All I've done is buy 1/2 a camera set up for me to be able to work with.

I don't know of any relationships, with friends or romantic, that don't have ups and downs and often get to a point of total frustration and resentment. i don't want that to happen with our friendship, but i do admit i am concerned about the long-term. Not b/c of you, but because of my own past with unsuccessful close relationships of all kinds. Which is also why i don't want us to work or live in any situation where one of us feels we are carrying more of the weight or responsibilties. i want to keep that line as level as possible between us...and i want us to work as sisters to make sure we keep an eye on that and keep things equal.

I am already fearful of how i'm going to repay you for any of your loving gifts and helps. And i know you say you are not worried about it, but i know that i HAVE to be. If i wasn't then that would mean i would be taking advantage of you and you would eventually become resentful of all your enormous efforts with little return. We are both codie's and so i think we also have to keep an eye on that aspect and how it might could cause any issues to arise in the long-run. Basically, i don't want to feel so hugely endebted to you and i don't want you to end up feeling the opposite.

I think if we keep an eye on balance that we can be successful in everything we've planned and more. And we both know that will require lots of communication, which i don't see being any kind of problem for us two! lol

i love you my dear sister and i'd rather look as far down the road as we can, rather than possibly having to look back and try to figure out what might have gone wrong. Prevention is always best. I'm pretty certian you'll agree.

Now, where it comes to your daughter or sister or anyone, you can tell them i will NEVER kick you out or purposely hurt you or anything close! As far as i am concerned, i wouldn't even have any right to kick you out. This is 'our' shack! We are sisters and real sisters in spirit like you and i ....stick by each other and look out for each other. And i wouldn't dream of purposefully acting in any other way.

jenna

p.s. on a different note...my appetite had come back for a few days, but has disappeared again since yesterday or the day before. Mom even asked if i'd eaten all yesterday and i said 'no' and she said she'd made home-made potatoe soup if i wanted to come over. I usually would have jumped on such, but i would have had a hard time eating anything. Today has been no different. I did have a cup of cereal after first waking today (i don't use bowls, they spill to easy lol) and i think i had 1 cookie.

i have been sort of hungry feeling in my stomach for a bit today, but when i try to think of what i could eat...nothing sounds appetizing...not even the bakery peanut butter cookies or the half of a fudge cake i have left from a few days ago. nothing. If my mouth didn't get so dry from chain smoking (up to nearly 2 packs a day recently) then i'd rarely even drink liquids).

I have to somehow learn to have a better acceptance of myself that i am ill right now. that this is not me and not my fault (which i know, just can't tell my emotional head to listen!).

I will try again tomorrow to see about admitance to the day-treatment program which would help some in this area of self-hate and disguest.

shutterbug

oh....i also wanted to repeat something my neuro-psychologist told me last week about sleeping rythems....

Scientists were curious about what would happen if people lived totally without light (but they could use lamps and such when awake) or time clocks. So they took a group of volunteers deep into a cave to live for several weeks or months (not sure how long it was). The result was quite odd actually.

The people fell into a sleep cycle of 36 hours awake and then 36 hours of sleeping.

When telling me this he said, "Who can actually even sleep for 36 hours straight!" I raised my hand, to his surprise. And he questioned if it was without interuption of some periods of wakefulness. I explained that when i was near commatose from my last depression that when i say i slept 23 hours out of each day...that even that 1 hour of wakefullness wasn't all at one time. That it was only from absolutely having to go to the bathroom, but mostly to smoke a cig or a 1/2 before falling right back to sleep. I didn't further explain to him that such extreme sleeping wasn't just for a week or two, but rather last months.

Anyway, that is my biggest fear surrounding this episode (beside not having enough money to keep utilities on, or losing my medical, COBRA coverage). But, at least this time, i know that ECT treatments could bring me out of that pretty quickly and effectively.

end of boring rants for tonight...back to lay down.

jenna

Live

Is it morning yet? I see Teach is up. My back woke me up. That was to be expected.

Jenna, CHILL!

I told Dayna we had been working on business plans for months, but that is not secure enough for her so I told her I was going to be your assistant. And THAT is not enough....doing what, what is your job and I said oh, she said archiving and some other stuff I don't understand but she will teach me. And that's not a lie. We did talk about that.

I was so tired I fell straight asleep and forgot, didn't even think of doing my compassion meditation.

And then I woke up with Metallica with the San Francisco orchestra song "The Unforgiven" on my mind. LOL

And, that is cool with me....I jump over buildings and lift and carry big man things when I am mad.

And I promptly declared it amnesty day for insulting Danny.

Some observations: When I left Indiana, because of my daughter's rage (and pushing me) and throwing me out on the curb with snow piled on the ground after I had shut off all the utilities at my place on the lake and we had agreed to stay together in a bigger house and all pitch in, with me doing far more pitch in that her pot smoking video game playing fiancee (financially). They weren't making it on their own. I left everything at my home on the lake. And she would not even go down there and check up on it and rescue my stuff. Lost about everything except for antiques and some valuables..but not my sofa nor my very good business clothes and many other things.
Karma...I was spoiling her (out of guilt, trying to make up and help her with losing her brother and the mistreatment from her father). She slept in and I took care of Noah. She did the laundry and I did the dishes, the floors, the trash etc. I prepared home dinners every night, set the table nicely and
cleaned up. The effect on Noah was terrible. He was always going to the door looking for me and they couldn't speak my name in front of him for months. And left to themselves, they started fighting so badly and then would call me in the middle of a screaming argument and I would have to yell. STOP IT, STOP IT, you are abusing my grandson. Finally I said don't call me anymore about your fights. Finally she was going to end it and send him back to his mama's. And he started using suicide threats as a manipulation, that if she left him he would kill himself. This infuriated me as especially cruel. And then the damn fool almost accidently successfully hanged himself trying to scare her. She heard a thump and thankfully went to check, because he had all ready gone unconscious. I set him up with a Dr's appointment and paid for his first scrip of antidepressants but he wouldn't take them.
I had loved him like a son, but I had enough.
What she went into a rage about...they were going to spend a social visit with friends in Louisville, to return late morning. They stayed gone for two days. Would not call or return calls. So I decided screw this, spent my time playing with grandson and did no housework. When she got home she went nuts because the kitchen was a mess. Damn if I don't see people cut of their noses to spite their faces all the time!

Side remark: I also told her that you had been my best friend for years and that we talk on the phone almost everyday and for hours and we know each other better than anyone else does.

Live

Part two, insurance against lost post

I am not finished with this rant.

So, and I know you know this story but I am going to repeat it.
I get a great job in Florida. I tell her I want her to focus on college and grandson. Don't regret that, I had all ready tried to juggle being a single parent, college and working and it is too much without some kind of help.
Additionally, I wanted her to be able to raise grandson and with his genetic heart condition, I especially wanted her to be able to be the one to take care of him and protect him. No regrets. I paid for everything. Lots of $$, every month. One day she calls me all shytty, yelling and being very disrespectful about how she hadn't gotten her rent yet. It wasn't even the first yet, it was a week ahead. And makes the dumb mistake of saying "I don't need your money anyway." I told her fine for me. And the rent check never went out, nor any further funds. Cut off your nose again?

Altho' when I was working in Indiana, she had gotten her new job at the judicial system and I took her to the mall and spent almost a couple of thousand buying her professional clothing, briefcase etc. I was an hour away and it was the only time she visited me.

phone BRB

Live

Hilarious.

That was Dayna. Actually we have a very good relationship now and I love it when she calls me. I learned many years ago to end each phone call with "Thanks for calling" in a warm voice, from a businessman. I noticed how good it felt and adopted it.

I MUST give her credit due. I would nominate them for family of the year award. She has a new job as a civilian on a major naval installation. She is working very hard and diligently, as there is a great opportunity for promotions. She comes home each evening and has 3 hours to:
do homework with Noah
she and her husband prepare home made healthy dinners. She is a health nut in some ways, about her dinners and children anyway.
They play family games together and/or and sometimes both, snuggle together and watch kid approved movies. No violence allowed or scary things.
Usually she manages to find movies that teach values and social consciousness.
Then Eli must be bathed and in bed by 8pm.
Noah bathed, his stories read to him and in bed by 8:30pm.
Then she does extra work she brought home to master her job.
On many weekends they work together as a family outside and now that it is cold, they take the kids on educational outings.
They are a cub scout mom and dad.
And are active participants in Noah's t-ball in season, working in the concession stands and other things.
They maintain their own social life when Noah is at his dad's, taking care of their marriage.
They stick together when it comes to discipline with the kids.
I don't think they ever argue in front of the kids, or where the kids can hear them.
And she takes time to talk with and listen to Noah, alot of time.

This is just an area/issue I have never addressed and I am not done. But I am done for now.

Wow, I feel witchy! my attitude, my back, my ulcer is going full blown again.

Live

Back to my ORIGINAL point.

When I left Florida, I had an apartment and gave almost everything away.

When I left Argentina, I gave almost everything away.

And in packing the last few days, I have realized, aside from mementos and a small items, except for the cast iron victorian stove and one end table, (my too many clothes, yuk.) a tall wicker stand and a couple of lamps, some paintings and alot of framed photos, some large. Nearly all of this I am sorting through is his.

Although, community property says it is equally mine....each of us own 100%.

In my head I am fired up to make things happen, but my body is telling me NO. Going to have to take some of that powerful south american med that I made sure to keep for the Montezuma's revenge.
Right now, my very best pal is the bathroom. And secondly the ice pack.

Don't know about being able to keep those errands today.

At least it is still early.

When I get to feeling a little stronger I can work on the bathroom. LOL

Right now I am immobile except to dash down the hall. TMI

Sooooooo LOL

How is everyone today?

Live

Wow, friends, my immune system must be really run down.
I know the bathroom trips are the ulcer (don't ask)
But I really feel sick. Like it will be an accomplishment to even stay upright sitting, first hot, then cold.

Jenna, weird, I put a thanks on your post about exhaustion but hadn't read it, thought I was putting a thanks on a different one I had read and forgot to acknowledge.

And then we use basically the same metaphor!

nandm

Just wanted to say, both of you are in my thoughts. I have been lurking but not posting much.

Live

I hope you are okay!

I am sorry to complain about my back, knowing the situation with yours.
But from Danny, I know the drill. Walk. It hurts. Walk anyway.
I am headed down the lane to get the mail. Hope there is something important in there.

nandm

Yes, I am ok. Just been trying to keep up with school work and trying to get paintings going to get some up and hopefully sold.

Live, I am glad you keep putting one foot in front of the other despite the struggle. I will be relieved when you finally get to Jenna's. I know you will be safe there.

Jenna, I am sorry you are still struggling. Your description is so accurate I doubt I could have described the depths of depression that well. You are a very articulate and talented person whether you can see it or not. I know others here see it as well.
You mentioned sexual abuse in your childhood. Have you ever dealt with that in depth? I know from experience it can have such long lasting effects on ones self image and self esteem. I still struggle with it. In fact it is part of my PTSD today. I wish someone would have listened to me and sent him to jail but such is life. There is a really good work book for working through this type of stuff. I can't think of the name of it right now but I will look for it and send it to you if you have any interest in it. Just let me know. It helped me a lot. I have both the book and the workbook. Aha, "The Courage to Heal" that is the name of it.

:ghug2

nandm

Ok, need your insight here. Please be honest. Do you think that this is good enough to try and sell? I think I am at a point of calling it done, although I may touch up some more. I really need your honesty, so don't worry about hurting my feelings. Thanks

historyteach

Tena,
It's called a Devar Torah, or a sermon. Either way is appropriate.

Sorry you're having such a hard time, Jenna..
My prayers are with you.

I got some interesting news today, though...
Remember I got transfered last year to the new school that I LOVED.
I applied for the job, but, didn't get it.

Well, our new VP at the new, new school I'm in is a guy I worked with there. We got along really well, and still do. He likes my work, and when he comes in to observe, he's always full of compliments. He is also helpful, cuz, I'm teaching in an area that I've never taught, so, he's giving me some good ideas.

Anyway, he heard from our old teacher leader the other day. And he just told me tonight what she said.
She wants me back there....
And there *is* an opening!

I lost the other position just by a lil bit; she wanted me then too, but, the other candidate got it. That's life, and I accept it.
But, now, there's another chance to go back and it's a really good school; closer to home too!

Issue; I like this school. But, the schedule is more grueling. The principal is very supportive, but, they are at the other school too. I'm the shop steward here; I won't be there. It's a block schedule there, (easier, 4 periods a day); it will be next year here, so they tell us.

Sooooo.....
I have some deciding to do....
And I"m excited!

My friend, the new VP, said to me, "I shouldn't tell you this...." when he told me. And he said he knew there would be both of the schools pulling at me, LOL!

The thought of another move is making me crazy! But, it would be permanent if I got into the other school. Of course, my job here is finally permanent now too.

I just don't know what to do....

But, for now, I have to do my report cards, due tomorrow morning. So, I'll see you all tomorrow!

Shalom!

historyteach

Judith!
That's *really* good!
Yes, good enough to sell. No bs.

Shalom!

nandm

Computer and I are fighting. It keeps crashing. I uploaded a photo of the not finished one. Here, hopefully, is it complete.


The photo I was working from is in the right hand bottom corner

Live

Judith, It is REMARKABLE!!!! Please don't undervalue your work.
Also I read your essay for writing class, it, too, was remarkable work. So well written and researched! You are amazing..is there anything you can't do?!

Teach, I will probably not be able to remember that, but thank you. I can't think of a single book that I have read by a Rabbi that I did not find outstanding!!! Really, some of my favorite ways of looking at things, very wise! In time I will learn more. There was a synagogue in Argentina and I so wanted to visit, I stood outside it many times, but I was chicken to go in because I did not know the customs.

Your excitement is contagious! That is just the coolest! Keep us informed, please!

Jenna, I think we just accomplished something! I felt very comfortable saying I want to do some other things, can I call you back later and as far as I could tell that was all right with you and you pretty much felt the same?

It took me longer because I fixed a spinach salad with the best most fabulous dressing and had to have seconds! LOL Just a simple one, but so yummy.

I have noticed how similar the metaphors are for enervating depression, just styled after our own experience...Jenna refers to swimming and the pool, I refer to the ocean and the undertow, Jurneyman refers to a sinkhole of quicksand. Cindi is feeling the same.

But I must state I am not in a major depressive episode right now. Quick, throw garlic around my neck!
I have had another eventful full day, but it is time for peace and I am not going to recount it now.
I had a very hard time not going back to bed, but in my situation and timeframe I have to regard that as an impossible option.
I am going to see how cold it is out, I think maybe it is warmer tonight. If so, I will sleep in my home as I sleep so much better there and it is so much better for my back.

Goodnight dear ones,
Tena